presidential vows: a dialogue

Now that 2012 is almost over and a new year lurks around the corners, people have started to make up new year resolutions they will never fulfill. Not to mention, the presidential elections next year and the revolutionary warfare launched by the opposition. So while politicians have started making their promises and vows to please the masses, I had a little chat with an acquaintance of mine who has a newly vested interested in politics: I present to you Shampire.

Me: Hello again my dear friend.
Shampire: May peace be with you and you are not my friend.
Me: Good to see you're doing well.
Shampire: So why did you drag me into this hideous excuse of a place you call a home?
Me: A man's home is his castle, they say.
Shampire: They are wrong. And you suck.
Me: Moving on. I hear you're interested in politics?
Shampire: You know what they say: if you want to get something done right...
Me: ...you got to do it on your own.
Shampire: No, you fool! You bribe and fool people to make them do your dirty work.
Me: ........
Shampire: Wipe that annoying look off of your face.
Me: But that's so wrong.
Shampire: Have we not met?
Me: I rest my case... So you want to become the President?
Shampire: Of course not, silly boy! I want eternal salvation and everything that comes with it. Presidency is just the means to spread my message.
Me: This message you speak of...how do you plan on getting elected?
Shampire: What kind of a question is that? By killing the incumbent of course!
Me: No no! You have to get elected by a vote.
Shampire: What? That's the infidels' way. Why can't we just have a duel and let the winner have the spoils?
Me: Because, this is the 21st century and because the people decide now.
Shampire: You and your nonsense ways! So what do I do to win this vote you speak of?
Me: You campaign and you make promises and such so that the people will vote for the best candidate.
Shampire: You are saying that I just make up cock and bull stories for people to believe?
Me: Not really. You  have to deliver on your promises and...Oh forget it. Yes that's what you do.
Shampire: That sounds very doable. Better than a duel I say.
Me: Of course! Who else can lie better than you?
Shampire: What was that?
Me: Nothing.
Shampire: So how do I deliver my promises to the people?
Me: Advertise, speeches, put it on the web. Here are the vows I made if I were to become the President.
Shampire: VAAV THAA FAAF???!! That list of trash is your vows?
Me: I wouldn't call it trash... And vaav thaa faaf? Please translate.
Shampire: Ya Allah! Haaza al-rajl jaahil al akbar! It means WTF, and I call it as I see it. Yours is a recipe for disaster and a one-way ticket to Hell!
Me: Excuse me?
Shampire: Just look at this. You even promised to torture men who lay with young girls. Torture!
Me: That's because rapists and pedophiles deserve it. I wish I could torture them till death and bring them back to life.
Shampire: You have indeed lost the righteous path, my son. It is Satan's fault that men are that way.
Me: Are you suggesting that they roam free?
Shampire: I am saying that it is Satan's fault and YOUR infidel Constitution says an innocent man cannot be prosecuted.
Me: Alright. Tell me what you promise the people of Maldives.
Shampire: I will run as the candidate of Adhaalath Party. They seem to have the best sense among you idiots and they will embrace me as their messiah.
Me: You got that right. They are a bunch of hot-headed pansy girls.
Shampire: How dare you compare God's chosen to such low creatures!
Me: You are charming.
Shampire: Eh?
Me: Since we are comparing genders, how do you plan to tackle equal opportunity?
Shampire: First and foremost, I will enforce equal opportunity.
Me: Wow! I am impressed. Never knew you were the type to conform to such things.
Shampire: I know! Since all females regardless of age have to wear veil under my rule, I am going to open the opportunity for all males to wear the veil as well. See? I am beating the infidels at their own game!
Me: Quite clever, I must say. What will your policies be on the education system?
Shampire: I will integrate animal husbandry into the education system. Before you open that filthy mouth of yours, I want to alienate Maldives. I will close the country to money from the infidels and only our Muslim brethren can help us. I will...
Me: Sorry to cut you off but I get the feeling that you're suggesting that we start animal farming. Is that your fiscal policy?
Shampire: Yes I am. We are going to herd sheep and goats and cows. Our children, male of course, will learn the hairy arts and will prosper in the coming generations.
Me: That is indeed a hairy subject but I guess we have to come up with some way to sustain ourselves after we oust every investor in the country. So what about taxes?
Shampire: I am not a believer in taxation. I see no reason why a man must pay to live in his own house.
Me: This is good news!
Shampire: But...
Me: There is always a but..
Shampire: I will impose a coitus tax.
Me; A coitus what?!!
Shampire: A coitus tax, you deaf baboon!
Me: Could you please explain?
Shampire: As you know, or God forbid, you should know, fornication is a deadly sin. Therefore the Almighty has paved us the way for women to have sex without eternal damnation.
Me: And?
Shampire: And by allowing a man to marry four women, he is ultimately saving the four females from the fires of Hell. If you ask me, that kind of kindness should be appreciated. What better way to show one's gratitude than by paying a small token of appreciation for their deliverance.
Me: So all in all, you're making the women pay a tax because they get to use the dong of their husbands? Isn't that rather one-sided?
Shampire: It is not one-sided! Anyway, who is running for presidency? Me or you? I am levying the coitus tax because it is the only way for the women to know the cost of deliverance.
Me: You think this dong tax will make women want to marry?
Shampire: Think of it this way. If they do not marry and fornicate, I can flog and stone them in public. Then again I will make marriage mandatory for all women who have come of age.
Me: Speaking of punishments, how will you run the judiciary? Will you uphold the Sharia?
Shampire: Yes I will! I will uphold the Rule of God to the last breath. I have zero tolerance for wrongdoers. Especially sinners. During my presidency, if someone is found guilty of a sin, they will be punished severely in public. No allowances will be given to sex or age.

with Presidents like these, who needs dictators?

Me: But what if it's a young person. I have the perfect scenario. What if a little girl gets raped?
Shampire: You fool! Little girls do not get raped. And yes, she will be flogged severely until she seeks salvation.
Me: But we are talking about rape! As you'd say, fornication without consent!!
Shampire: Consent nonsense! Do I look like I give a, as you humans say, shit? Yes, the girl will be flogged as a lesson and a warning for the rest of the kind.
Me: Then what about the man?
Shampire: See? This is why we cannot get along very well. You always worry about what to do with the man. I think that you have something against men. Were you hurt by a man in your life? Because I see that you are very personal when it comes to these things. You always find a way to hurt men. Ways to punish them. It is very unfair and uncalled for. Not to mention very sexist!
Me: Oh my. And how is that any different from what you are doing, your Holiness?
Shampire: The point is, as I said earlier, Satan is the one to blame. It is not man's fault that he errs. Satan makes man want to commit atrocious sins and the women are the means.
Me: Let us talk about some other subject. Do you have any developmental plans? How will you strengthen the republic?
Shampire: Lord be praised! That is a lot to answer and I am short on time. I am sure you would understand.
Me: Alright then. Good luck in the coming elections though I am not sure if I want you to win.
Shampire: Of course you would not. You are an extremely laadheenee person.
Me: Now that I can understand. Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: May God have mercy on you and for the umpteenth time: I am not your friend! Shampire has no friends! I am off and do not bother me unless to repent. No. Forget that. Do not bother me at all!
Me: Guess I can never have a conversation without pissing him off. Until next time, Adios...

a little blasphemy

Now that GMR is gone and some of us are hell-bent on going back to the days when we ate goat - played goat - slept goat and drank goat, we seem to have provided the breeding grounds for doing things in the name of religion. It is sad that the 'Islamic' tag makes anything and everything acceptable these days, and very profitable as well. The number of holier than thou know-it-alls is on the rise who look at punishment and fear as the only way to spread Islam while casting a blind-eye to the root of all.

Having said that, the post today is not about the exploits of the deeply devout, but on an incident that came up a few weeks back. Before I dive in, Maldives, and by extension, Maldivians have always regarded sex as a taboo topic. It is considered a very, as female teenagers would say it, eww subject. I remember the day I asked my dad about how to fornicate and he just straight up told me kids should not speak about it. In his defence, it may be because I was just 7 at the time and it was the not the perfect topic for father-son bonding. But still...it's just a snapshot of our culture when it comes to sex: it's our dirty little secret; the perfect setting for pedophiles, molesters, and rapists..

A few weeks back, the whole country was shocked when an 11-year old prematurely gave birth at 7 months. There was public outcry that such a little girl was so naughty as to have sex at such a tender age, let alone, give birth. She deserved what she got, people said. The duly devout went on public forums saying that little girls won't give birth. I have a message for the so called sheikh. Yeah, little girls won't give birth. However, little girls won't want to get pregnant either, and devouring a penis is the last thing on their mind. And the hardcore Islamic 'evangelists' called for her to be flogged for her sin. Screw that! Everyone called for her to be flogged.

What most of the delusional people at this country failed to even think about is how in the Seven Heavens' name does an 11-year old get pregnant? They forgot one very important piece of the equation:

if you didn't get it, it's a penis. a friggin' penis!

Yeah, no one bothered to inquire as to how the little girl ended up with a babe in her belly. Unless she's the reincarnation of Virgin Mary, I am pretty sure it took two to tango in this dance. What's even sadder is that none of the so called advocates and champions of human rights and such had the cojones to mutter a word on the issue. The United Nations, UNICEF, the Human Rights Commission of the Maldives, Advocating the Rights of Children, and many other agencies failed or rather chose to stay silent on the issue. Then again, I don't blame the silence of most of them when considering the debacles of the pious every time someone questions the logic of such things. Faith, after all, is blind.

A small lining in the silver cloud came when DNA evidence surfaced and follow-up investigations show that she was indeed raped and did not get jiggy with a man on her own accord as the majority of the nation first perceived. So all in all, we have an 11-year old who is a victim of a man who was a family friend. Not to mention the allegations that her uncle had molested her as well. But even up to today, very few have openly condemned this incident. And even more more so, fewer have condemned the silence of the relevant authorities and agencies.

In the end, we are left with an 11-year old whose life is over before it has even begun. She is already labelled a slut and a sinner, and thanks to our very able media, the whole of Addu Shitty (pun intended) knows her by now.

So here is a big fuck you to the two sick sons of bitches who raped the little girl, and an even bigger fuck you to all the authorities that stayed silent on this issue. Last but not least, here is a fuck you to the former Minister of Gender, Human Rights, and Family who did nothing noteworthy during this fiasco, but got her bra in a knot when her husband was arrested by the Police for being drunk. I hope you all rot in hell with hot barbed rods up every hole in your body! And please don't get me started on the family. Her own mother stayed silent through the whole ordeal even after the girl told her mother about the abuse. I hope your uterus bleeds out along with your innards and you never give birth again!

exhibit A: barbed rod 2020

Until next time. Adios...

a fond adieu...

I don't normally write posts for others. I don't even dedicate posts to others. Why? Because it is my blog. However, today's post is dedicated to a very special lady. She has been with me throughout the majority of my existence. She is the one woman who made me cry before I saw her. The one woman who has, thus far, spanked me. And the only person, I know, who used chili as a motivator. And this is the story of how I met her...

I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was 4 years old and free as a bird can be. My mom entered the room. Beaming at me as if she had gotten me a gift. Just like any other kid, my gift-senses started tingling and I ran to my mom to hear the good news, or more importantly, to get the booty she got for me. However, she had other plans. No booty was to be had by me. On the contrary, the seemingly 'good' news she had for me was that (as it's in our culture when we start going to kindergarten) she got me into a class, rather a house, that taught Quran. My reaction? I started crying. Crying as if the world has ended. I felt the horizon close in on me. I can proudly say I didn't throw much tantrums as a kid, but on that day, a tantrum I threw. And it was one hell of a kind! I threw things at my mom. I sat on the floor and stomped my feet. I cried big fat tears. Not the crocodile tears, but frickin huge Oh-God-what-did-I-ever-do-to-deserve-this tears! My mom, as calm as a praying mantis on acid, just laid down on the floor beside me and stayed silent through the ordeal.

Of course, I lost the war and ended up going to the house. And God, did she scare me! It felt like a jail to me. I take it back. A jail would be better. She kept a stick on one side and one mean looking chili on the other side. I am not talking about a plain chili. No. It was the Mother of all chilies. It was the unholy offspring of Satan, himself. It was huge, red, and mean! Anyway, she never used it on anyone, but it was scary as hell. But the stick, she did use. And use it on me she did. I didn't study the lesson for that day and she spanked me. I think I got about 10 hits. It did not hurt but the humiliation was unrelenting. It did, however, teach me to study my lesson. And she held the record as the only female to have hit me for more than 18 years until my classmate from college punched me for calling her a lesbian.

Soon, I got used to the whole thing and I grew up to be her favorite student. I made great friends and going to the class soon became my favorite part of the day! Even long after I 'graduated' from the class, I visit from time to time to see her and she would get all mushy touchy dovey with me. I will never forget the way her face lit up every time I went to visit her. She would always greet with my a motherly smile and pat my back as if I were her own. She would hold my hand and never let go as she barraged me with questions. About studies, about job, and about life. I remember our last meeting. It was the ninth of November 2012, some 20 odd years after our first encounter. She had been so sick lately that she could barely recognize me. Once I told her I was her favorite student, she smiled at me. She showed me in and we went and I sat down beside her. Once again, I faced the inquirous blitzkrieg (by now I have learned to answer those questions short and sweet). She asked about my job and told me what little stories she remembered from when I was a student. The best part was that whenever one of her children, grandchildren, or even someone else came, she would introduce me and say that I was her student. She showed me off as a trophy. When it was turn to bid her goodbye, she held my hand, looked me in the eyes and her eyes full of tears and yet smiling, she says, 'Do come again.' And it struck me; she never said a proper goodbye. There were no farewells with her, no goodbyes. Just a promise, a plea to see her again.

And then the phone call last night. She had passed away. Truly, we belong to Allah and unto Him we return!

I write this post, not to mourn her passing away, but to celebrate her life. So here is to a lady, who has dedicated her life to educate others. A lady who gave back to the world more than the world cared to give her. I hope that, one day, I can become even half the person you are. To bastardize George Bernard Shaw's quote, life was no 'brief candle' to you, and you burned the splendid torch that is your life, as bright as you could, before you handed it on to future generations.  Here is to a great mentor and a great educator. AND A FUCKING AWESOME HUMAN BEING!!!  I will never forget what you taught me and I will always treasure your words and your wisdom. It was a pleasure being your student and an even more pleasure knowing you as a person, away from your stick and chili. I am a better person for having known you. The world will miss you. I will miss you. Your memories and your words will live forever in my heart and I shall remember you in this world and the next.

The following words are from the West Point Alma Mater and it is the least I could do to honor you...

And when our work is done,
Our course on Earth is run,
May it be said, 'Well Done;
Be Thou At Peace.'

Until we meet again. Adios...

something useful

Word on Majeedhee Magu is that I have been blogging for quite sometime, and when I look back, I see that my posts have always had a hint of cynicism. So I asked myself while crossing the equator on a plane that had no snakes: why not write something useful for a change? Hence, here I am; with my not so trusted laptop on my desk and typing up from the pages of time, some lessons in life that I hold near and dear to my heart.

calm as a monk on morphine - mr. miyagi is the grand sensei of all lessons

1. Never throw away the cup you used for alms

We all go through that phase where we have to watch what adults watch...except porn. It was during one of these musings at a Dhivehi 'movie' when the lead actor's mom, girlfriend, and his best friend dupes him. And the best part is...wait-for-it...the best friend shags our dark knight's  girlfriend. So not to be outdone, our heart-broken hero tells his two-timing lass that he still kept the cup he used for alms as a kid. Call me stupid but I have taken these words to heart even as a kid as clueless as a blind man on a dark night. I told myself that no matter what heights I reach, both figurative and literal, I would never forget where I came from.

2. Prayers will never make you late

When I grew up I was very much closer to my mom as compared to my dad and hence, she bossed me around quite often when it came to simple things. Then again, men were created to being bossed around by women through out their lives. Going back to the subject at hand, I was preparing to go to school and as luck would have it, I had to poop. I am not talking about the 'oh I think I might have to poop but I am not sure' poop. No. This was the 'if I don't poop in the next fraction of a second, I would poop my bowels out on the floor' poop. So after I did that which must not be named, I had a few minutes left to go to school and I still had not prayed. I told my mom that there wasn't enough time to pray and make it to school in time and she said, "You'll never get late because of a prayer." I proceeded to pray and I made it to school on time. Since then, I have tried to never skip a prayer because I might get late to a place.

3. Don't wish to be someone else

I would like to start off with a quote from one of my favorite authors, George R. R. Martin. "Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you." No. I did not go into any battles aside from the occasional skirmish against the demonic behemoths known as cockroaches. Anyways, wishing to be someone else...When I was going through college, I had to study history and it was a subject I hated with a passion. I failed the first few tests and there was no silver lining whatsoever on the dark cloud that was history. My roommate on the other hand was having a blast with history. He breezed through every exam as if it was a marshmallow. I was wishing I was him throughout the whole ordeal. Enter sophomore year and physics. I am not the sharpest, but physics, for me, is actually fun. I soared over the physics exams as free as a Nazgul when most of my classmates struggled with it. Then on one fine day someone told me that he wished he could do physics as easily as me. And I learned about being true to myself.

4. Trust your children

I said children because I learned this lesson from a mom-son perspective. Unlike the aforementioned point about my innocence and being clueless, this happened during the not-so innocent times of my life. I was thirteen and one of my neighbors started a rumor that I tore all my test papers after I got back the results. Needless to say, I was more surprised than offended. But I had to watch out for any possible backlash from my parents. Come that night. My mom called me aside and asked me if what was said about me was true. I said I never did that. That was all I said and my mom believed me. I was surprised. Actually surprised is an understatement. I was shocked. It was my word against the word of a grown up man! She later told me that she trusts her kids first and others second when it comes to such issues and told me to remember it always. Now that I am somewhat grown up, I use it when it comes to dealing with my minions. Trust, it seems, builds more bridges than steel or gold.

5. Your weakness may one day become your strength

When I grew up, there was one thing I hated with as much passion as earth shattering multiple orgasms: writing. Specially in English. I did it with good reason too. I couldn't write if my life depended on it. Writing an essay was the most gruesome of tasks that could befall me. But today I can say I can write a coherent document without much trouble, and have become somewhat... okay okay...I have become a ruthless grammar Nazi. You might wonder where I am going with all this blabber about not being able to write and all. When I studied, English and Dhivehi were my weakest subjects.

So there you have it. Some lessons I have learned in my life. My only hope is that it's something useful. Until next time. Adios.

mistaken identities: the ambergris report

Note: The following post is inspired by actual documented events.


I was at my island for a while, enjoying the white sandy beach with my classmate from college when the news came in: some fishermen found a huge-ass ambergris drifting across our crystal clear blue waters.I was very happy naturally, because my fellow countrymen, who unlike other western non-Islamic countries, are friendly, selfless, and utterly compassionate about their fellow folks, got such a great gift from the greatest treasure the sunny side of life has to offer; the ocean.


More news of ambergris findings throughout the country followed, and for a moment, I was hopeful. Hopeful for my beautiful and harmonious country. There was even talk of ambergris replacing tourism as our 'hen' that lays golden eggs. Though between you and me, that did seem a fair comparison. I mean tourism is as far from an egg as a marshmallow is from a machete. Furthermore, there was speculation that the foreign currency from all the sales would be used to bring down the dollar rate, something the former President Nasheed successfully failed at even up to his eventual disposition.


Moving on, news came once again (pun intended) that all the ambergris turned out to be nothing but animal fat! Alas, my dear reader. People were so content with sharing the revenue equally among themselves. Nobody went to Courts and there were no disputes whatsoever between owners and crew of the boats. Nobody and I mean nobody wanted a bigger share of their possible hard-earned wealth, and in fact, one government official, on the condition of complete anonymity, told me that the ambergris hunters were insisting that their friends get a bigger share! Get a load of that. Where else in the world can you possibly find such homogeneity for the betterment of others? So it's only natural that tears were shed when results came that the metric-butt-load of 'ambergris' was nothing but animal flab.

as Boromir says, 'one does not simply turn to flab'

Needless to say, being the investigative sapiens that I am, I dove deep down into the salty roots of this matter. I hired some top-notch paparazzi (aka Google) to aid me in photography through this bitter and perilous journey to find the person involved in this scandalous of scandals that befell the empathetic people of Maldives, whose zeal is unrivaled on Middle Earth when it comes to being nice to each other. So in an investigative piece of journalism that puts the infamous 'Operation Sunset' to shame, I have discovered the bewildering truth behind the ambergris scandal!


After countless unsuccessful probes, my paparazzi was able to provide me with a picture of the vermin responsible for this utter devastation:

King Triton, the First of his Name, King of Under the Sea and the First Mermaids, Lord of the Five Sea Kingdoms and Protector of the Ambergris

While evading my calls and texts for what seemed like eternity, I met King Triton and he confessed it was all his doing. Heartbroken and heart-stolen, I asked him why he committed such an atrocity towards the kind and peace-loving people of the Maldives. He blamed everything on this:

i admit, the title is mayhaps a bit misleading

It seems, his folks have already spoken against it in many forums, but all the bubbling and blabbing was for naught! And hence, Triton, along with the other mighty wet Gods of the salty seas, decided to stick it in where it hurts and Maldives got punked! "You puny humans duped us with the 'race'", Triton said, "so we decided to give you something that's as useful as nipples on a breastplate. Hah! Have fun with all the useless fat you shitty Maldivians!"


Further investigation revealed that Triton made a whale eat goats, cows, and shit, and made it regurgitate the fat, tricking unsuspecting and innocent fishermen into believing it was genuine ambergris. My people didn't deserve this! They are nice people and as a last attempt to make my people happy, I heroically pleaded with his salty majesty to reconsider, but he paid no heed to my cause. Dejected, defeated, and demented, I began my return journey to the surface. The only comfort I got from my investigative journalism is that my paparazzi managed to take a picture of the suspected troll that's reportedly doing the evil bidding for King Triton, who vehemently denies he knows or has anything to do with the suspect.

maldives police service reports the suspect already has a kushuge record

Until next time. Adios...

6 hidden truths in cartoons

Before I get on with the post, I have a few words of caution: This post is not for the weak or the faint of heart. Because I am going to shatter every sweet fairy tale that you have conjured up in your worthless minds after watching cartoons. I intend to offend you into oblivion and a bit more, like no one has ever done before. I am going to rip and twist your beloved cartoons metaphorically and literally from your hearts and minds, and turn them into your worst nightmare! But since you are still reading this, why not finish and see for yourself?

the faint heart: if your heart looks anything like this, please stop reading!

Webster defines fable as "a narration intended to enforce a useful truth; especially: one in which animals speak and act like human beings," and that's what cartoons are supposed to be. However, yes, a big however, you have not seen the "useful" truth behind cartoons. But fear not my dear and undear readers, for I am here to finally present to you the uncovered useful truths about the cartoons as it should have been interpreted. You will learn, by the end of the day, the utter bitter truth. If you are shocked, I intend to shock you and it is for your own good!

1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

It is a norm that step-moms are the Satan of all things lovable and huggable in a family. Media further perverse the notion by the many evil depictions of stepmothers and is not limited to just 'seductions' of step children by step-moms in the porn industry. But since porn isn't the topic of the day, I will present to you a stepmother loathed by everyone from their early childhood: Snow White's step-mom.

just look at the contours of her face! such concern for her stepdaughter

The hidden truth: Stepmothers love you the most! Yes she tried and to some extent succeeded in feeding Snow White a poisoned apple. But she didn't do it to kill her. In fact she was doing the exact opposite. By her act of valor, the stepmother was saving Snow White from being violated by the seven dwarfs. I know it's quite surprising but it is the absolute blunt truth with no exaggeration or lies. The stepmother went as far as to magically disguise herself as an old woman so that Snow White wouldn't know who had ultimately saved her. Such modesty and dedication was rare during that age and time. All the step-mom wanted was to merely preserve Snow White's chastity so that no one but the Prince could deflower her!

the look of I-want-to-bone-you on their faces says it all: the title said dwarfs. not snow white and the seven eunuchs

2. Sleeping Beauty


If there is one thing that makes a girl bubbly and weak in her knees, it is the thought of waking up to a prince. As stalkarish and creepy as it sounds, girls love the idea, and cartoons such as Sleeping Beauty, which ironically happens to be the only musical I took part in my whole life, created the ultimate being-woken-up-by-a-kiss-fantasy of every girl. Indeed a stranger with his lips puckered up for a kiss the moment you wake up is nice and romantic, but it IS restraining-order nice! I am not complaining though, because it gives us guys all the more indigenous ways to woo a girl. However, while the message that love prevails beyond sleep, witches and whatnot is mildly hinted by this cartoon, many overlook the truly intended message.

girl wooing 101: lesson 3 - lip locking

The hidden truth: We don't have to brush our teeth before we go to bed! Yes my friends and foes. We all remember our parents nagging us since childhood to brush our teeth when we go to bed. That it prevents tooth decay and how bad it would smell if we don't brush. But we are shown in Sleeping Beauty that it is perfectly normal for one to go to bed without brushing. And that too for a 100 years! And when Prince Philip comes on his horse after ass-kicking beasts and magical creatures, he doesn't think twice about savoring the soft luscious lips of the princess who didn't brush her teeth. In his defence, he may not be aware of the oral state of the princess' mouth, but had it been bad, he would have surely broken the kiss after he got a taste of that sweet lass.

then again, who'd care about dental jargon when he gets to tap that?

3. Beauty and the Beast


It is rumored that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that love conquers all. This cartoon is intended to be the ultimate proof of that. It follows the life of an arrogant prince whose pride gets him into trouble with one hot witch-babe. But he manages to lift his curse by winning the love of the hottest thang in the universe of Beauty and the Beast: Belle. It's more than a cartoon which shows that appearance or body hair doesn't matter at all, and shows how much one would sacrifice for true love and family.

i bet you are thinking how the hell he ended up with such a hottie

The hidden truth: Girls always go for douchebags! Please don't raise your eyebrows at me. You know that very well, you self righteous hypocrites. The Beast was nothing but a dickhead to Belle. He imprisoned her father who only sought shelter. Then imprisoned her in return. Treated her like trash, and surprise surprise! She falls in love with him. At the end of the story, the witch-babe's curse didn't do much good to rid the Beast of his pride and douchebaggery. The Beast showed that he didn't even need the looks to clutch the sexiest girl in the universe from the handsomest hunk of a man in the same universe: Gaston.

come on belle: look at that and tell me how you could ignore all that meat!

4. Smurfs


Life is about the survival of the fittest. Species survive based on natural selection. It's a dog-eat-dog world. If you haven't seen any of the last statements in your life, then you'd better read the last line again. OK? Let's get on with it. Smurfs shows a bunch of blue rascals trying to fight or flight against the evil forces of one brilliant mastermind magician aka Gargamel, evading his ploys and tricks to live to fight another day. So the message of the cartoon is crystal clear. If you want to survive, you have to be craftier than the predator and join hands together for survival. If you just nodded, you are right and wrong. I agree that it was A message but once again, you have been fooled my perusing brothers and sisters.

the smurfs had to contend with this menace...

...while their booty was limited to just this!

The hidden truth: We are put on this world to have sex! Procreation has been a major tenet in all Abrahamic religions, and the same idea is inculcated within us since childhood. Inception much? By now you must have guessed I was going to single out Smurfette. I am not implying that she is a slut, because she is doing it mostly for the survival of her kind and a little bit for pleasure. By some unfortunate luck she just happened to be the only female in the colony surrounded by a hundred azure-donged smurfs. As the saying goes, a gal gotta do what a gal gotta do....

do you really believe that this lot sprouted from the ground like mushrooms?

5. Little Mermaid


Little mermaid, similar to some of the aforementioned cartoons, show perseverance in the face of adversity to conquer love. We always sacrifice what we have such as Riches, Fame, Status, and Toys if we want to go progress to the next step of Meslow's hierarchy of needs. So it was only natural that our beloved Ariel would sacrifice her God-given voice for a pair of legs so that she can win the love of Prince Eric and get jiggy with him.

a woman sacrificing her voice? yes

I know what you're thinking (I am afraid I can't show you her goodies)

So the message is quiet clear on this one, right? That love will prevail above all evil. I am afraid that you cannot be more wrong. Little mermaid doesn't show how to win love. It doesn't even show that you should sacrifice to win over one's heart. It gives you a very sexist message. And I hope that you, my fellow and unfellow readers, would forgive me for what I am about to reveal.

The hidden truth: Guys don't want to hear girls talk! That's darn right. Ariel gave up her voice and she need not say a thing for Prince Eric to fall head over heels in love with her. Ariel didn't have to sing or speak sweet nothing into his ears. Once she dazzled Eric with her moneymakers, everything fell into place naturally.

do you really want Ariel to run her mouth off and ruin the perfect mood?

6. Land Before Time

Ever had to deal with a bully, or for you female types, a bitch? If you answered no, you'll just have to bear with me. That's your punishment for not knowing. The rest of you can relate to how Littlefoot and his companions would have felt through the entire cartoon as they tried to survive the onslaught brought about by this ghastly creature:

they are just kids. bad sharptooth!

So what did our prehistoric friends do? They killed the mofo! In an epic battle second only to the battle of the Second Bull Run, Littlefoot and his dino-friends finally got rid of the autoerocticismically-challenged son of a bitch.

hasta la vista baby

Yes a point of the cartoon was to show if you're a bully karma will find you, and that you'll end up with your family in the end. But (if you haven't guessed already) there is more than meets the eye. And that which did not meet the eye is...

The hidden truth: Bitches! The real bitch in this cartoon isn't Sharptooth. In fact, it is our three-horned non-stop yapper: Cera. From start to finish she maintains her bitchdom supremacy to cosmic levels. However, the rest of the team put up with her because they knew that if they had to survive, they needed her bitchiness to balance the good and the evil within the team. The Land Before Time is teaching you and your kids that they should tolerate bitches!

exhibit a: one bitch to rule them all, one bitch to find them. one bitch to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

That's enough ranting for one post. Until next time. Adios...

#mvsoup

food for thought turns three

Yeah yeah it's been a while since I posted anything. Let us skip the whole shebang, shall we?

Now that we have the formalities out of the way, I would like to point out that it has been 3 years since my first post. Food for thought turns three today!

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday dear food for thought,

happy birthday to you.

Guess it has been sometime huh? A lot has happened in the last three years; for better or for worse. Regimes have ended over the world, new people have been born to replace the dead and yet, life goes on. So here I am to thank thee, my fellow readers, and especially those who comment (some with a lot of nagging ^_^ from me).

I never intended to blog per se, but I took up blogging upon insistence by my good childhood friend and the hero of some my posts. He is the unimaginable, the unthinkable, the ever-shining, the evergreen, the never-ending-source-of-awesomeness! Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the dark knight that rises in his pants... Iya!

Okay. That's enough applause for him.

Coming back to topic at hand, the birthday of my blog, I gotta ask: Why are we here on Earth? What is the meaning of life? Do aliens exist? Is time travel possible? Well, I have no freaking clue! Though I still maintain my claim that cockroaches are aliens. Other than that, I am as clueless as a deaf bat on a sunny day.

I guess it would behoove me to write a few things about the ongoing coup/liberation/revolution in our all natural paradise. Here are a few things I want to say, and in Chinese: Yu Dum Fuk!

Aaaah. That felt good. I leave you with a small token of my appreciation to everyone for sticking with me like a fly stuck to the wind-shield of a speeding car, and to all those that have come, and gone, and comeback again like a raging boomerang. You know who you are. Until next time. Adios...