family disowns firstborn for freethinking

RADAVAN CITY, Maldives -- In what is otherwise a peaceful neighborhood in the capital of the Maldives, a local household has been shattered to its very core in a baffling turn of events after Ahmed (not his real name), the firstborn of his family, was disowned for, what some are calling, freethinking. Entering the fourth day since the staggering revelation, journalists are still unclear as to the exact nature of the catalytic event. Reporters in the capital have identified questioning authority of parents as the root cause of this incident. Neighbors wait anxiously with fear that other firstborns who live along the cramped streets of Radavan City might join freethinking as well, resulting in multiple disownments.

The authorities have thus far been reluctant to disclose the details as they do not want to publicly acknowledge the action and give legitimacy to disownment. Despite the secrecy, reporters were able to get a hold of the mother. Khadheeja (not her real name), a distraught woman of forty-three (not her real age), told reporters that her first born refused to eat vegetables at dinner.

a baby refuses to eat (file photo)

A police officer, on condition of complete anonymity, told reporters that they were able to formulate a much complicated timeline of the event. It seems Ahmed sat down to eat at 8:25 pm and the vegetables in question were placed on the dinner table at exactly 8:29 pm local time, upon which Ahmed refused. Ahmed refused to eat the vegetables upon continuous insistence by his mom and dad, telling them that the food was, in his own words, 'ewwwww'.

i can think of a few things that are ewwwer than that

"We know he is grownup and all, but he should not question us. We are his parents for God's sake!" Ahmed's father, Ali (not his real name), told reporters. "We have been very accepting of his ways. We let him grow his hair and get piercings on his ears and body." His father shared with the reporters.

"Why...we even accommodate his rowdy friends. And they drink under our own roof and smoke God knows what!" Ahmed's mother chimed in. "This one time he came home after 2 am, barely able to stand. His clothes were covered in blood and he had a knife in his hand. We...we didn't ask any questions. And now he questions our authority? Just like that?? What more could he ask for???!!"

"And did we tell you we provide for him since he doesn't even have a job? We are paying for his motorbike and his coffees and trips. We provide for our own child. We give him all the money he needs. We are damn good parents. He's left wanting for nothing and he does this to his poor parents!" The upset couple shared their story with the reporters. "And the worst bit is that he asked us why vegetables were good for him. He kept asking us why he should eat it. As if our words weren't good enough for him! He brought great shame to this house. How can we face our neighbors and friends and family after he questioned us like this?"

you have the luxury of not knowing what i know, you piece of shit!

Whatever the fallout from this event, it is clear that more disownments would follow as more people start thinking freely. Authorities are preparing for a nationwide crackdown should the phenomenon get out of hand. Till then, all we can do is brace and hope that Ahmed and his family return to their merry ways and acknowledge Ahmed as their son.

Until next time. Adios...

criminal court sentences serial donor to life imprisonment

The Criminal Court sentenced a serial donor to life imprisonment earlier today. The convict, who pleaded guilty to multiple accounts of donations to charity throughout the nation, will be transferred to the detention and correction facility in Male' City, where he will undergo a pre-life imprisonment medical checkup prior to commencing his sentence.

 

Following a lengthy investigation and a lengthier trial, which the authorities call a 'long battle', the sentence paved way to the impending trials of similar nature. Speaking at a press conference after the trial, the Commissioner of Police said that the hammer of justice would not pardon offenders. "Lately there has been an increase in the rate of crime of various nature. Mind you! We will leave no rock upturned in the fight against crime," he said in what would surely be the authority's biggest challenge to crime syndicates over the country. "We will not...I repeat, the Police will not take lightly...even if it's a simple case of returning a lost wallet to its owner!" The commissioner's threat comes as no surprise since the resurgence of criminal activities in the capital and in the outlying islands, have the citizens living in fear.

Just seventy-two hours earlier, a man previously convicted of helping an elderly cross a road, was caught while holding the door open for a couple at a store. Fortunately, the security guard at the store apprehended the man before he could keep the door open any longer. According to one of the eye witnesses on hand, repeat offenders are what scares her the most. "I just saw a convict walking freely and breaking the law again! Is this how tax payers' money is spent by the government?," the mortified woman told the reporters.

the promised hammer of justice and/or thor

The Minister of Home Affairs was unavailable for any comments. However, a senior official within the ministry; on condition of complete anonymity, confided to the reporters that the recent incidents is just the tip of the iceberg. According to the official, the Police recently uncovered a group of volunteers who went about donating blood to orphans. "I don't know why, but the Police is keeping the lid shut on this case," the official  was quoted as saying. When questioned, the Chief of Intelligence of Police said that the case was still under investigation and that the authorities were working to bring all involved to answer in the court of law. "The roots in this case go beyond the scope of a single group and we have enough evidence to suspect that there are very powerful men behind the operation of these 'terror' networks."

The public has been calling for swifter action by the government and has been calling for the resignation of the judges at the Criminal Court and the Supreme Court. "What can we do? We judge on the evidence presented to us," said the Chief Justice of the Criminal Court during a press conference. "We have told the Police and the prosecutors to give us enough evidence to pass the sentence. If not, our hands are tied behind our backs."

However, the Chief Judge's comments must be taken with a pinch of salt. During the infamous case from November last year, the State tried a suspect who was caught on camera thanking a waiter. The video footage caught on the CCTV camera at the restaurant was presented as evidence at the court and the judge claimed the evidence was not enough to prove that the man was guilty 'beyond reasonable doubt' and judged the man not guilty of committing the heinous crime. During the appeal, even more infamous because it was the third time in the history of the Maldives that the Attorney General presented a case, many eyewitnesses gave testimonies regarding the act of terror. Some eyewitnesses gave testimonies behind close doors with their voices altered to prevent any potential backlashes from the suspect or his associates. In one of the most shocking trials in the country to date, the suspect promised in God's name that he committed no such crimes. "I agree I have done many wrong things in my life. Once...I even helped a little boy stand up after he slipped and fell on the road...but, Allah as my witness, I have never ever said 'thank you' to the waiter in question." Had the State used his confession, the suspect could have faced life imprisonment and quite possibly the death sentence for the crime he previously committed. Nonetheless, due to the reluctance of the authorities, the case eventually fell through and the man walked free.

Whilst the public's outcry goes unheard, the deteriorating respect to law and order within the country continues to this day. It is sad that the crime population is not only limited to males. Just few days after the former incident, a female teacher was caught red-handed while helping a student with a lesson. Fortunately, to the relief of the school and the outraged parents, the teacher pleaded guilty and was sentenced to six months of house arrest. A 'small victory', as put forth by one parent, and yet, such victories are enough to ensure the public that the country will soon become peaceful once again and we would face the promising future hand in hand.

Until next time. Adios...

mistaken identities: the ambergris report

Note: The following post is inspired by actual documented events.


I was at my island for a while, enjoying the white sandy beach with my classmate from college when the news came in: some fishermen found a huge-ass ambergris drifting across our crystal clear blue waters.I was very happy naturally, because my fellow countrymen, who unlike other western non-Islamic countries, are friendly, selfless, and utterly compassionate about their fellow folks, got such a great gift from the greatest treasure the sunny side of life has to offer; the ocean.


More news of ambergris findings throughout the country followed, and for a moment, I was hopeful. Hopeful for my beautiful and harmonious country. There was even talk of ambergris replacing tourism as our 'hen' that lays golden eggs. Though between you and me, that did seem a fair comparison. I mean tourism is as far from an egg as a marshmallow is from a machete. Furthermore, there was speculation that the foreign currency from all the sales would be used to bring down the dollar rate, something the former President Nasheed successfully failed at even up to his eventual disposition.


Moving on, news came once again (pun intended) that all the ambergris turned out to be nothing but animal fat! Alas, my dear reader. People were so content with sharing the revenue equally among themselves. Nobody went to Courts and there were no disputes whatsoever between owners and crew of the boats. Nobody and I mean nobody wanted a bigger share of their possible hard-earned wealth, and in fact, one government official, on the condition of complete anonymity, told me that the ambergris hunters were insisting that their friends get a bigger share! Get a load of that. Where else in the world can you possibly find such homogeneity for the betterment of others? So it's only natural that tears were shed when results came that the metric-butt-load of 'ambergris' was nothing but animal flab.

as Boromir says, 'one does not simply turn to flab'

Needless to say, being the investigative sapiens that I am, I dove deep down into the salty roots of this matter. I hired some top-notch paparazzi (aka Google) to aid me in photography through this bitter and perilous journey to find the person involved in this scandalous of scandals that befell the empathetic people of Maldives, whose zeal is unrivaled on Middle Earth when it comes to being nice to each other. So in an investigative piece of journalism that puts the infamous 'Operation Sunset' to shame, I have discovered the bewildering truth behind the ambergris scandal!


After countless unsuccessful probes, my paparazzi was able to provide me with a picture of the vermin responsible for this utter devastation:

King Triton, the First of his Name, King of Under the Sea and the First Mermaids, Lord of the Five Sea Kingdoms and Protector of the Ambergris

While evading my calls and texts for what seemed like eternity, I met King Triton and he confessed it was all his doing. Heartbroken and heart-stolen, I asked him why he committed such an atrocity towards the kind and peace-loving people of the Maldives. He blamed everything on this:

i admit, the title is mayhaps a bit misleading

It seems, his folks have already spoken against it in many forums, but all the bubbling and blabbing was for naught! And hence, Triton, along with the other mighty wet Gods of the salty seas, decided to stick it in where it hurts and Maldives got punked! "You puny humans duped us with the 'race'", Triton said, "so we decided to give you something that's as useful as nipples on a breastplate. Hah! Have fun with all the useless fat you shitty Maldivians!"


Further investigation revealed that Triton made a whale eat goats, cows, and shit, and made it regurgitate the fat, tricking unsuspecting and innocent fishermen into believing it was genuine ambergris. My people didn't deserve this! They are nice people and as a last attempt to make my people happy, I heroically pleaded with his salty majesty to reconsider, but he paid no heed to my cause. Dejected, defeated, and demented, I began my return journey to the surface. The only comfort I got from my investigative journalism is that my paparazzi managed to take a picture of the suspected troll that's reportedly doing the evil bidding for King Triton, who vehemently denies he knows or has anything to do with the suspect.

maldives police service reports the suspect already has a kushuge record

Until next time. Adios...