an interview with a shampire

It's been a while since I have posted anything. This time I have with me a very special person. He is a shampire. Yes, a shampire, it is not a typo. Let's get on with the interview so that we find out more about what/who this person/thing is...

image courtesy of tintin and the land of black gold by Herges and some random image from google

Me: Hey there bud...
Shampire: What was that??? "Bud"??!!!
Me: Oookay. Sorry about that your holiness. How are you doing on this lovely day?
Shampire: You haven't answered my questions still... Uhh I am doing very good. And how about you?
Me: I am doing good too. Thanks for asking. So can you tell us a bit about uhhhhh your kind?
Shampire: Ahh yes, yes. I was expecting that question from you. We are a dying breed in this world. Our name comes from the Arabic word Sheikh which means a religious scholar and (whispers) just between you and me, irresistbly attractive to young women, and from the English word Vampire which is a supernatural being that feeds on human blood. You get the jist brother?
Me: Oh my, that's quite a combination. I get the jist. I really do. Specially about the young women part (snicker)
Shampire: What was that? Are you mocking me you lowly human?
Me: A thousand apologies Oh splendid one. So what should I call you? You got any name?
Shampire: A name is nothing but a mere cloth we wear on ourselves. My name is...
Me: OKAAAY then Shampire it is.
Shampire: NO. You cut me off before I could say my name. You infidel. I KILL YOU!
Me: And here I was wondering why your kind is so rare in the world...
Shampire: You talk in riddles human.
Me: Ahh do I? We call that sarcasm.
Shampire: You are a Sarcastic? How many Gods do you believe in? Who's your prophet?
Me: LOL! It is not a religion. Sheesh... (wipe tears from my eyes) Anyway, the word "shampire" is a little disturbing. Don't you think?
Shampire: I don't think so. Why did you say that?
Me: Well, a vampire is an enemy of the human race... they feed on our blood. And I get the feeling when you combine that with Sheikh, it is like using religion to prey on the blood of humans.
Shampire: HOW DARE YOU!!! You will burn in the seventh level of Dante's inferno!!!
Me: What was that? I am confused. You believe in Dante's inferno? And also, you aren't even an Arab.
Shampire: Why yes, yes... I like that poem about Dante's inferno. And how do you know I am not Arabic? I wear the male veil and I speak arabic fluently. Kaifal haal ya akhy? Antha majnoon!! LAAM VAAV LAAM
Me: Uhhh the answer is yess? By the way what is that LAAM VAAV LAAM?
Shampire: Oh, That's the arabic version of LOL. Since we don't have an 'O' we use the letter VAAV.
Me: Hahah I get it. You are a funny man.
Shampire: SILENCE! I am not a man. Well literally speaking I am, but I am on a much higher level.
Me: Sooo how do you become a shampire?
Shampire: My son, the path to become a shampire is a long and tough journey. You have to learn how to betray your friends, molest young children, and there is the ultimate test.
Me: OOOO betrayal and molestation. What's next?
Shampire: You have to go and fight in the path of justice, namely the way we believe, and blow yourself up.
Me: WTF?? You'd die then!!!
Shampire: Yes we would die. That means we dont deserve to become a shampire. If we survive then we become a shampire and we live for all eternity.
Me: So are you saying you didn't die during your suicide bombing?
Shampire: Don't call it such a degrading act! It's a jihad, a sacrifice. And yeah, I didn't die.
Me: I am amazed your divine holiness. How did you survive?
Shampire: I caught a cold that day and couldn't go to deliver the bomb.
Me: (Mouth hanging open) I'm out of words....
Shampire: Close your mouth. That's rude.
Me: But you were going on a suicide mission and you bailed out cos of a cold??
Shampire: Why yes.. What's so surprising about it? I had a runny nose and there was no way I was up to blowing myself up.
Me: ...
Shampire: Plus even if we die, we get 70 virgins. 70! Can you imagine that? It will be like multiple orgies!!! Ahem.. Next question please. I have to go to recruit.. uhh I mean enlighten young blood.
Me: So why do you prefer to kill yourself in the name of religion than being a good Muslim and living a religious life?
Shampire: It's really simple. We go to Hajj and how much is it? 50,000 ruffiya to go there? And then we have to wait until we die and hope we dont commit any sins. But you can go to a what we call a Jihadhees ground like Pakistan for 5000 ruffiya where you are guaranteed heaven and let's not forget the 70 virgins.
Me: That's quite disturbing to say the least. So you believe in marrying under age girls?
Shampire: It is not what I believe my son. It is what's right. We marry them and we teach them the carnal pleasures of sex. Who is better to teach them than someone who has known it all and done it all and...
Me: ...and old enough to be their grandpa...
Shampire: SILENCE! Don't you dare cut me off. I'll put a Jihad on you.
Me: Oh dear... you think my scrawny ass will get you 70 virgins?
Shampire: I feel sorry for you. You are a lost soul and I will do my best to bring you into the light.
Me: No no.. no light. I hate the light. I want to be in the dark!!
Shampire: Think about it my son. You'll get eternal pleasures in heaven and you'll get immortality. Plus do what I say and I'll put in a good word for you with the Mulla and get you a high position.
Me: There is only one way I will do it.
Shampire: (with tears gleaming in his eyes) Glory be to God! What is it my lost son?
Me: You have a young daughter who is about 14 years old?
Shampire: Yes yes I do. She is the apple of my eye. My tenth wife gave birth to her when she was 14 years old herself.
Me: I wanna marry her and show her all the carnal pleasures that you talked about. That'll be my first step to eternal salvation.
Shampire: I KILL YOU!!!

At this point he twisted and turned his walking stick which became an AK47 and I ran for dear life as the bullets flew over my head. Until next time. Adios...