if harry potter and magic existed in maldives

NOTE: This post is dedicated to everyone who waited for a letter from Hogwarts but never received it because THE STUPID OWL THEY SENT GOT LOST ON THE WAY!

Growing up reading Harry Potter is perhaps the biggest achievement of my life. Okay okay, maybe not the biggest, but it's definitely up there. So, if you're anything like me, you'd have wondered how wonderful it would have been if we lived in a world where fantastic beasts and creatures roamed the world and, last but most importantly: we went to Hogwarts. This morning I gave a lot of thought (the time it takes me to shower) to the subject and I realized  it might not be all that fantastical  to have the magic of the Potterverse in the Maldives.

tu tuuu tu tuuuu tu tuuuuu tuuuuuu tuuuuuu tutututu

1. Number of dark wizards will rise exponentially 

Some argue that the first Maldivians consisted of shipwrecked seafarers, who later ended up making the Maldivian genome. This explains our range of tools when it comes to problem solving: from pretending the problem doesn't exist to doing black magic to kill the other guy.

Let me present 3 real life scenarios and how the person involved solved the problem:

• Have a problem with your neighbor about who owns the coconut palm, which happens to have his name on it and was owned by his father before him? Answer: Use black magic to kill the dude and claim ownership.
• Ever wanted to shag your handsome hunk of a colleague who's already married to someone else? Use black magic to seduce the guy into courting you.
• And most importantly...did your football team ever have a match they really needed to win? USE BLACK FUCKING MAGIC!

good luck porking dhaleyka now!

The point I'm trying to make is that we are sort of dicks to people if we don't get things our way whether we can do magic or not! Makes you reassess whether you really want everyone you know, especially your frenemies, be able to do magic, huh? To be honest, I won't be surprised if Maldives has more dark wizards than the entire population of Slytherins who graduated Hogwarts.

2. From a paradise for tourists to a paradise for stalkers

The modus operandi for most Maldivian men to court prospective females is to harass them. This includes but is not limited to stalking them, stalking their families, calling them on their phones, calling their friends, learning their schedule and popping up everywhere they went, and finally, buying gifts to appeal to their materialistic side. Sad as it may sound, sometimes this works. Now imagine you have a crush on Aisha down the street. You absolutely love everything about her. The way she smiles shyly as she fights to keep her veil in place on a windy day. The way her dark brown eyes are so full of life as she sips her coffee. Her ever so inviting lips as she smiles at her baby sister. The way her bodysuit hugs her curves as she prepares to go to gym. You know, the whole package.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if you had a way of knowing where she was without having to follow her everywhere?

a stalker's dream!

The Maraauder's Map is an excellent tool for every stalker, but what if there was a way you could watch your stalkee without having to follow them around? I'm talking, of course, about polyjuice potion. With polyjuice potion you could just look at your crush's body as bare as the day she was born without any need of actually getting her to date you. Sounds disturbing, doesn't it? It gets worse in two words: Revenge porn! Imagine you're my good friend Ahmed who was caught cheating on his fiance. She could just use some of Ahmed's hair to become Ahmed and make a scandalous video to ruin Ahmed's hard-earned reputation.

dammit, ginny! how many times do i have to tell you that it's cho in that picture?

Here's an even more disturbing caveat to the polyjuice potion brewing business. What if you needed a hair of the person you wanted to turn into and the only hair on his body was his anal pubes?

[I know you Potterheads are thinking I made a goof here. I'm aware that we can use any bit of the person we wanted to turn into when using polyjuice potion. But I really wanted to make you cringe at the thought of drinking the essence of someone's ass hair.]

3. We'll bring more to the supremacist movement

If there's one thing we are good at, it's being pompous assholes. The kindest thing we do for our fellow human is letting them know if the headlight of their cycle is on during the day. That's it! It's because we love to look down on others based on their skin color, family, island, political views, religious views, wealth, and well, anything that we can pull off to show we are superior to them. In fact, I would go as far as to say our xenophobia will make the Malfoys seem like baby unicorns. Factor into this the pure-blood supremacy movement in the Harry Potter world.  Not to mention the way most wizards feel about other magical creatures, and the way they treat their own who are cursed into becoming a werewolf. We all remember the hysteria when the parents of Hogwarts students found out that Lupin was a werewolf. And these are the good guys! So all we need is a dash of our supremacy feuds to fuel this already volatile magical world.

mmm mmmmmmm i can really taste the tears

Let's not forget all the shit the wizards and witches already had to contend with during the Goblin Rebellions of 1612 as a result of the discrimination against our grumpy friends. Add to this all the discrimination we are bringing to this game and I'll go out on a limb and say we'll have nifflers rebelling against us in no time. And they're like at the bottom of the wizard food chain beneath Neville Longbottom's toad Trevor!

4. A know-it-all but not a do-it-all

During our (in)significant life in this world, we all come across at least one person who is a know-it-all. They're pesky at times. They butt in when not invited. Worst of all: they have an answer to everything. Do we know someone like that in Potterverse?

But to be fair to Hermione, she does actually know what the fuck she's talking about. On top of that, she doesn't back down when it comes to practicing what she preached. Still, it doesn't change the fact that she knows everything and makes you feel as useless as nipples on the Batsuit.

Think of how you would feel if everyone around you was like her. That, my kind and unkind readers, is what we offer, albeit with a minute difference; unlike our bushy-haired heroine and the champion of the Muggle feminist movement, we don't know shit! We are all full of hot air and criticize and comment as if we know everything when tragedy strikes, but do nothing to prevent a crisis or to help anyone.

ignorance is truly bliss

5. Say bye bye to the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy

The magical community came up with this law in 1689 in fear of persecution by Muggles, who are notoriously famous for being scared of anything they cannot understand. In this regard, magic meets the criteria right beside math! I bet...all it would take for this 300 plus years old secret to be exposed is a day, give or take a few hours, if we have magical folks in the Maldives.

Why? Because we're second to none at gossiping.

That's correct! We love talking about others. It necessarily doesn't even have to be juicy (the juicier the better though). So yeah, we are big on talking and spreading rumors regardless of consequences. If I am to make a guess, I'll say we'll end up using curses to make sure people who rat us out are stopped or at the least, identifiable.

better get used to this quickly

6. We'll learn about the power of love

For the uninitiated, the above watchful wand wielding warmhearted witty warlock is the Undisputed Flamboyant Wizarding Champion of the World and Defender of Muggles Albus "The Professor" Dumbledore, Headmaster Extraordinaire at Large of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And if there's one thing Professor D. insists, it's that the most powerful of magic is love. While I don't know enough magic to counter his point, it's remarkable that he was able to bring about the very end of the baddest of all wizards: Lord Voldemort.

enough power to achieve immortality and voldy was stupid enough to not see this coming back to bite his dark tush??!!

In short, Dumbledore emotionally blackmailed Snape, champ of every one in the friend-zone, to turn on the aforementioned Dark Lord and help a tween, aka the fruit of the loins of Snape's sweetheart and his nemesis, complete the job. Not to mention that Dumbledore was...fight the feels...FIGHT THE FEELS!!...when Dumbledore was...was...dead...for a whole year while Harry Potter took the battle to the big V. If that's not powerful magic, I don't know what is.

7. You can be a complete dick and still be a hero

How nice would it be if we could be ourselves and still be a hero? One of our favorite characters from Harry Potter did just that! In short, Severus Snape pissed on Uncle Ben. He not only duped the Dark Lord, but did it while making a life living hell for the hero who was destined to slay him. Every single reader hated Snape with a vengeance until the very last minute, even more than Lord Voldy. I'd say only Dolores Umbridge could trump Snape.

...and this is the closest i've gotten to boning her

The question is, how is this helpful to us Maldivians? For starters, we wouldn't think twice about befriending an enemy if it would cause the downfall of another. Just look at the alliances in the political arena. Heck, look at your own family for crying out loud. There'll be all those arguments and whatnot, but out of nowhere, everything is forgotten and they suddenly have more affection for each other than Dobby had for mismatched socks!

To sum up, it seems that living in a magical world would be interesting as hell but at the end of all things, it'll only bring out the best and the worst in us. I guess...on second thought, maybe magic might teach us a thing or two about becoming better people; if only we knew where to look.

until then, have fun hexing each other!

Adios...

mysterious virus plagues the nation of maldives

MALE' CITY, Maldives -- The World Health Organization (WHO) has been on continued alert to monitor spontaneous outbreaks of dangerous diseases in different parts (read: third world countries) of the globe following the latest outbreak of Ebola earlier this year. It seems like WHO's perseverance in monitoring these risks has finally paid off. The organization released a statement late last night as a mysterious disease has been discovered in the Maldives. This grave news was followed by the alarming news as scientists disclosed that this disease has been endemic to Maldives for centuries. Despite the suddenness and mystery that surrounds the discovery, what baffled the medical community the most has been the peculiar effects of this menacing disease: impregnating women!

Authorities have not yet named the disease, but the pathogen responsible for this life altering condition has been identified and labeled as the Human Gravidaphage Virus (HGV). The name Gravidaphage comes from the Latin word 'gravido' meaning impregnate and the Greek word 'phagous' meaning devouring. WHO informed they decided to name the virus as a -phage because the disease ends up 'eating the life away' of the patient.

an electronic microscopic photo shows a group of HGV attacking the ovum of a female patient

Scientists and doctors from renown medical universities and hospitals flocked to the Maldives to study the effects of the virus. Dr. Ahmed, the resident gynecologist cum urologist at the biggest private hospital in the Maldives met with reporters on behalf of the investigating team of experts and explained their findings to this point.

"Our observations indicate it's possible that HGV is a gender-based virus as all HGV positive patients have been females thus far. Also...There hasn't been any reports of transmission between humans yet." Dr. Ahmed also explained that the team will conduct tests to observe how the virus affects a male mouse. "We are already working on finding a vaccine, but at the same time, we are trying to identify the chances and prepare for a cross-gender jump to males. And should that happen, take possible precautions."

HGV has been found to be aggressive even when dormant

"What we have is a very unique pathogen. While we are unable to tell the exact origin of the virus or how it originated in Maldives, our team finds it amazing that the virus keeps on attacking until the ovum or more commonly known as the egg, becomes fertilized." Dr. Ahmed explained. Everyone who contracted the virus has thus far been unable to completely get rid of the virus. "In effect, you can say that a single virus is able to make a woman pregnant but we don't know how many times it could potentially occur as the virus tends to become dormant for periods." Records show that a patient could be found positive for HGV, get pregnant, and give birth, but get pregnant again years later. Numbers show that some patients went through as many as 3 of these dormant-active cycles. He further revealed that the dormant and active period of the virus was completely random.

No one has yet been able to identify how all these women contracted the virus in the first place. It's one aspect of the investigation that the doctors and scientists have differing opinions. Dr. Yoosef, an astronomer, believes that the virus is transmitted through an animal. "This virus has been in this country for long. We cannot tell anything for sure without knowing who was patient zero. However, I believe it is a vector borne virus. There just isn't any other way for the virus to be endemic to the Maldives for centuries. The only possible explanation is that an animal that is only found in the Maldives is a host of the HGV."

Dr. Ahmed, on the other hand, opposes the hypothesis. "I'm not saying that he is wrong. It's possible that he's right too, but he's just an astronomer. What did he do to come to that conclusion? Consult the stars? I think we need the medical experts to handle this."

a close-up of the human gravidaphage virus during the active period (photo credits: Tylon - ZBrushCentral)

While it's obvious that this newly discovered virus will cause clashes in academia, everyone needs to work together as the virus has a tendency to cause false positives. That is, someone could actually just be pregnant and not HGV positive. "The problem is that pregnant women and HGV positive women show the same symptoms." Dr. Ahmed told reporters. "Once we discovered the virus, we almost had a nationwide panic as every pregnant woman in the country could possibly be carrying HGV."

Authorities and everyone concerned are working on a possible procedure to correctly identify HGV positive patients. "We know the theory behind all this," a very convinced Dr. Yoosef told reporters after the news conference. "Hypothetically speaking..if you were a woman and you happen to be pregnant, what could you ask yourself? Who the father is, no? All we need to do is build a device that would enable us to test the validity of your claim. We just need a way to test the DNA of the embryo and compare whether it matches the man who you claim is the father. I'm sure we can build this device within 4 to 5 years if we all work together."

Even Dr. Ahmed agrees to the idea as long as the virus doesn't start affecting males. "I'm afraid I have to agree with Dr. Yoosef as long as the patients aren't males. However, I would consider the fact that with the exception of a few outliers...all HGV positive patients have not been married at the time of contraction of the virus. If we use that as a start, we could start eliminating false positives within weeks with 90% accuracy!"

While Maldives, and the world, faces an uncertain future, the biggest advantage we have over the Human Gravidaphage Virus is that it has been contained in the Maldives all these years. Only time will tell how things turn out.

Until next time. Adios...

man's life is ruined after ex leaks nudes

Ahmed started his day like any other day. He got out of bed after hitting the snooze button for the third or fourth time. He managed to go through the three s's; shit, shave, and shower, without much of a hassle despite being half awake. But alas, the day was not meant to be normal by any means. By the time Ahmed reached his office, the life of this 21-year old aspiring writer had turned upside down.

Turns out his girlfriend has leaked nude pictures of him after a messy break up. It all started with a frantic call from his aging mother. The first words out of her mouth were words of condemnation and shame. Ahmed couldn't even catch the slur of words his mother threw at him. What he did manage to catch was about the shame he has brought his family and the statement that Ahmed was no longer his mother's child.

Now, this was right before he left for work on his cycle. He bought it on an installment scheme and he still had 11 months left on his payment. By the time Ahmed reached office, he had received more than 50 notifications. You see, not only did his ex leak Ahmed's picture. She took the time to tag him on Facebook and Twitter. She also wrote down his contact details. When he checked Facebook, he saw all kinds of comments from females who saw his picture. They were commenting on his body and his private organs. A few of the comments though, were shaming him. And calling him a show off and a slut for taking nude pictures. Ahmed had also received no less than 25 friend requests in a matter of minutes. They were all from females, no doubt looking for an easy lay.

Ahmed never stopped to second guess going to work amidst the ensuing chaos. He couldn't afford to lose his jobs to make his loan payments. Without thinking, he entered his office. Ahmed came face to face with his boss, Mrs. Aishath, who immediately called him to her office. The last thing Ahmed saw before he entered Aishath's office was his colleagues whispering and giggling.

Once inside, Aishath explained the company policy to Ahmed. She explained that once the case of his nude photos come into light, the company would have no choice but to let him go and forfeit his pension and all. However, Aishath said that Ahmed could get some compensation for services rendered if he resigned on his own. Ahmed tried to plead his case. He tried to explain that he sent the picture while they were dating and that his ex promised to delete the picture after looking at it. Ahmed also tried to state that he hasn't even being found guilty by the authorities. Aishath said there was nothing she could do, but she hesitated as if having second thoughts, and asked Ahmed to meet her at her apartment when her husband wasn't around. Aishath made it clear that it wasn't a promise but that she would do everything to make sure Ahmed kept his job. Of course, provided that Ahmed cooperated with her.

Having reluctantly agreed to meet his boss later that day, Ahmed walked over to his cubicle. Head down. Ahmed sat down and let everything that had happened in the last hour or so sink in. His world has come apart. He will need to work hard to get out of this mess.

Ahmed's thoughts were interrupted by a notification on the computer in front of him. He had an email. It was from one of his female colleagues. He opened the attachment in the email. The subject said "what's your rate?" and the image that opened on the screen would later make him puke.

It was the first ever picture he had sent. Ahmed wished it was the only one he did. But he had loved and trusted his girlfriend blindly and sent her all kinds of scandalous pictures. After a few minutes, Ahmed logged onto Facebook again. The number of friend requests were increasing and he had more messages from strange women than he would care to count. However, one of the messages caught his attention. It was from a girl who just shared a link.

Dreading what he would find, Ahmed clicked it. It took him to one of the infamous Maldivian groups on Facebook that posted nude pictures of guys. In this group, all the girls would call them sluts while secretly trying to get into the guy's pants, and continue to publicly shame their indecency. Sometimes they would even share contact details. Ahmed saw a plethora of his photos plastered across the page. Each picture was accompanied by a variety of filthy comments.

Despite the nature of the comments, Ahmed was a bit happy to see some people took his side and tried to explain Ahmed was a victim. But these comments were few and most of them were crowded out by comments from people saying that Ahmed shouldn't have shared his pictures in the first place and that the purpose of shaming Ahmed was to make sure he wouldn't do it again. The girl who was the admin of this group had written a message to Ahmed as well: "We will remove your pictures once you apologize to us in public for sending nude pictures. What you did was forbidden in Islam and this is your punishment. Apologize to us and we will remove your pictures!"

Ahmed knew he had no choice in this matter and he started to slowly type the apology requested by the group. The non-stop notifications from his phone and his email accompanied the sound of the key strokes on the keyboard. It made a catchy tune but it was a sad one. For Ahmed, it was a song about changing his life and changing the way he dressed. It was a song about moving onto a different island to get away from all the lust-filled eyes of every woman who has seen Ahmed's pictures. And while he was still typing, his boss messaged him, "Come over to my place, I'm waiting for you."

"This happened to me," said no guy ever.
Until next time. Adios...

އެޕާރޓްމަންޓެއް ވިއްކާނެއްބާ

ނޯޓް: މިލިޔުމުގައި ސިފަކޮށްދީފައިވާ މަންޒަރުތަކާއި ވާހަކަތަކަކީ ޙަޤީޤި ހާދިސާތަކެއްގެ މައްޗަށް ބިނާކޮށް، ފޮނިތޮށްޓާއި ކާފޫރުތޮޅި އަޅައިގެން، ގެނެސްދީފައިވާ މަންޒަރުތަކާއި ވާހަކަތަކެކެވެ.

(ފޯނުން)

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ..........

އަހަރެން: އައްސަލާމް ޢަލައިކުމް

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: .........

އަހަރެން: ހަލޯ!! ހަލޯ!! އަޑުއިވޭތަ؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: (ރުންކުރު ފާޑަކަށް) އާނ. ކިހިނެތްވީ؟

އަހަރެން: އަޅުގަނޑު މިގުޅާލީ އައިބޭގައި ކުއްޔަށްދޭން އެޕާރޓްމަންޓެއް ޖަހާފަ އޮތީމަ އެތަން ބަލާލަންވެގެން

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: މިރޭ އަށެއް ޖަހާއިރު އޮލިމްޕަސް ކުރިމައްޗަށް އާދޭ

އަހަރެން: އެންމެ ރަގަޅު. ޝުކުރި...

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: (ފޯނު ބާއްވައިފި)

ރޭގަނޑު

(ފޯނުން)

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާނ. ކީކޭ؟

އަހަރެން: ހަލޯ

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކާކު ތީ؟

އަހަރެން: މިއަދު ހެނދުނު ގުޅީމެއްނު އަޅުގަނޑު. އެޕާރޓްމަންޓް ބަލަންވެގެން. އޮލިމްޕަސް ކައިރިއަށް އައިސް

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: މިހާރު ބޭރުގަ. އަހަރެން އިރުކޮޅަކުން ގުޅާނަން

އަހަރެން: އާނ އޯކޭ

ޖެހިގެން އައި ދުވަހު ހެދުނު

(ފޯނުން)

އަހަރެން: ހަލޯ! ރޭގަ ކިހިނެއް ހެދީ؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކީކޭ؟ ތީ ކީއްކުރާމީހެއް؟

އަހަރެން: އެޕާރޓްމަންޓް ކުއްޔަށްހިފަން. ރޭ ގުޅާނަމޭ ބުނީމެއްނު

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެތަން މިހާރަކު ނެތް

އަހަރެން: އެއީ ކީއްވެތޯ؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެހެންމީހަކަށް ކުއްޔަށްދީފިން

އަހަރެން: އައްދޭ! ތީދެން ވަރަށް ހެއްވާގޮތެއް. ދެން ނެތްތަ ކުއްޔަށް ދޭ ތަނެއް؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާން ނެތް. (ފޯނު ބާއްވައިފި)

އިރުކޮޅެއްފަހުން

(ފޯނުން)

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ހަލޯ!

އަހަރެން: Hello. I saw your ad on iBay

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: Hello hello. Yes it's available. I have many places for rent

އަހަރެން: Oh

ގޭގެވެރިފަރާތް: Very cheap price. I give you discount for furniture too

އަހަރެން: That's great! Tell me a good time to go check the place

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: You tell time. I pick you on my cycle

އަހަރެން: Let's go now. I am near Olympus

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: Good. I go now

އަހަރެން: Awesome! Thank you

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: No no no. Thank you very much

އޮލިމްޕަސް ކައިރިން

އަހަރެން: (ސަލާމް ކޮށްލަން އަތްދިއްކޮށްލަމުން) ކޮބާ ކިހިނެތްތޯ؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އޭނ؟؟ ތީކާކު؟

އަހަރެން: އިއްޔެ ގުޅިމެންނުންތޯ އެޕާރޓްމަންޓް ކުއްޔަށްހިފަން

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެހެންތަ؟

އަހަރެން: އާނ. ކޮބާ ނެތްތަތަނެއް މިހާރު؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާނ. ނެތް ހަމަ. ވަރަށް ތާށި ތަންތަން.

އަހަރެން: އެކަމު ދެންމެ އަހަރެން ގުޅީމަ ތިބޭފުޅާ ބުނި އެބަހުއްޓޭ. އެތަން ދައްކަން އެމީހާ ބަލައެއްނު ތިޔައީ އަސްލު

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކަލޭތަ ވާހަކަ ދެއްކީ އިނގިރޭސިބަހުން؟

އަހަރެން: އާނ. ތިބޭފުޅާ އަޅުގަނޑަށް ދޮގުހެދީނު

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަހަރެން ދެނީ ހަމައެކަނި ބޭރުމީހުންނަށް

އަހަރެން: އަހަރެންވެސް ހަމަ އެވަރަށް ކުލި ދައްކަފާނަމޭ

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: (އިރުކޮޅަކު ވިސްނަންހުރެފަ) ކުއްޔަށްދޭ އެޕާރޓްމަންޓަކީ ތިންސަތޭކަ އަކަފޫޓުގެ ތަނެއް.

އަހަރެން: ސިޓިންގ ރޫމެއް ހުރޭތަ؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަސްލު މިއީ ކޮޓަރިއެއް. ކޮޓަރީގެ އެއްކޮޅުގަ ކައްކާ ކެވޭގޮތަށް ހަދާފަ ހުންނާނީ. ބޭނުމިއްޔާ ސޯފާ ބަހައްޓަންވީ

އަހަރެން: ފާހަނަޔޯ؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ފާހާނަ ހުންނާނީ ބޭރުގަ. އެއީ ޖެހިގެން ހުރި އެޕާރޓްމަންޓްގެ މީހުންވެސް ބޭނުންކުރާ ފާހާނާ

އަހަރެން: އެހެންދޯ؟ ކިތައްވަނަ ބުރި؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: 6 ވަނަ ބުރި. ލިފެޓެއްނުހުރޭ

އަހަރެން: ހމމ...ކުައްޔަކީ..

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކުއްޔަކީ މަހަކަށް އެންމެ 5000 ރުފިޔާ. އެޑްވާންސްއަކީ 480000 ރުފިޔާ

އަހަރެން: 480000 ރުފިޔާ!!

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަސްލު ވާގޮތަކީ އެޕާރޓްމަންޓުގެ އަސްލު ކުއްޔަކީ 13000. ދެން އަހަރެން މަހަކު 5000 އަށް ހަދާފަ ބާކީ 8000 ފަސް އަހަރަށް ބަހާފަ މިނަގަނީ އެޑްވާންސަށް.

އަހަރެން: އޯކޭ

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކަލޭ ފަރުނީޗަރު ބޭނުންތަ؟

އަހަރެން: އޭރުން ކުއްޔަކީ ކޮބާ؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ފުލީ ފާނިޝްކޮށްފަވިއްޔާ 20000 ރުފިޔާ. އެޑްވާންސް ހަމަ ކުރިޔެކޭ އެއްގޮތަށް 480000

އަހަރެން: މައްސަލައެއް ނެތް

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެތަން ބޭނުމިއްޔާ އަހަރެން އެޑްވާންސް ލާރި ބޭނުންވާނެ މިހަފްތާނގަ. ތަން ލިބޭނީ ތިން މަސް ފަހުން

އަހަރެން: ކީކޭ؟؟!

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާނ. އެތަން ހުސްވާނީ ތިން މަސް ފަހުން. ދެން ކަލޭ ބޭނުމިއްޔާ ތަން ރެނޮވޭޓް ކުރަންވީ

އަހަރެން: އޭރުން ކުލިން އެހެންނޫނީ އެޑްވާންސް އިން ކަނޑާނަންތަ؟

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ނޫން. ރެނޮވޭޝަނަށްދާ ފައިސާ ކަލެޔަށް އަނބުރާ ދޭނަން ކުށްޔަށްދޭ މުއްދަތު ހަމަވީމަ.

އަހަރެން: ތިކަމާ ކުޑަކޮށް ވިސްނާލަންޖެހޭނީ

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަވަހަށް ވިސްނާ. އެހެންމީހަކުވެސް އެބަހުރި މިތަން ބޭނުންވާ. އޭނާ އެބަ ބުނޭ އެއްފަހަރާ ފަސް ލައްކަވެސް ދީފާނަމޭ. އެކަމު އެއީ ދެން ރާއްޖެތެރޭ ބޮޑު އާއިލާއެއް. މުޅި ގެ ހީވާނީ ގޮޑެއްހެން އެމީހުން އައިސް.

އަހަރެން: އެހެންވީމާ އެގްރީމެންޓްގަ ސޮއިކުރަން ވީމަ ގުޅާ

ދެ ދުވަސް ފަސް

(ފޯނުން)

ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އޭ. މިހާރު އެބަހުރި އެއްފަހަރާ 9 ލައްކަ ދީފަ އެތަން 10 އަހަރަށް ނަގަން ބޭނުންވާ މީހެއް. ކަލޭ އަދިވެސް އެތަން ބޭނުންތަ؟

things i learned going through the education system in the maldives

According to Nelson Mandela, education is the greatest weapon with which to change the world. So now that I have gone through some stages of education, I want to take the time to pause and reflect on how well I have been prepared to become the stallion that mounts the world. For all intent and purposes, I'll be focusing on my time going through the education system in the Maldives.

okay..maybe I'm not a stallion yet

1. Fear of being wrong

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that we go to school to do something I would like to call learn. So there I was. It was the first week of grade 1 and we were going through a lesson. We were doing a mini reading comprehension and the teacher asked the class what the girl in the passage we were reading about wrote in her note book. I already read the lesson the night before so I thought I knew the answer. My hand shot up and I told the teacher what I thought was the correct answer. Apparently it wasn't. The teacher got angry at me and scolded me: "Why are you lying?!!!" I was young but I knew it was a genuine mistake and the fact that she chose to tell me I was lying rather than my answer was wrong bordered on insanity. This wasn't a one time incident but in short, it's fair to say the whole education system is build on right answers vs wrong answers. It wasn't until I started grade 9 physics that I learned from my tuition teacher that right or wrong answers didn't matter as much as using the correct methodology.

2. Discrimination

I was in grade 4. We had a girl in our class who had very dark skin, and because we were all brought up in society to be generous assholes when it came to skin color, we avoided her. I'm not saying we were taught that being dark was bad. We were taught that being fair was beautiful and into our young and innocent minds, it translated as: dark = yucky. The teacher didn't help either. If one of us boys were being too loud in the class, we had to sit down next to her. Needless to say that I spent a good amount of the academic year seated next to her as punishment and I hated the girl for that. Furthermore, discrimination wasn't just limited to skin color. If we had a kid from a rich family or a noble (read: beyfulhu) family, they get special treatment from the teacher and this irresponsible behavior from teachers and the school staff was very much out in the open.

3. Looking after yourself

When I was in grade 5 I had my first foreign teacher and boy was he scary! He was rather unorthodox compared to the teachers I had before. For example, he was the only teacher I met who punished a student and then later took them aside to ask them how they were doing. He had one interesting pet peeve. We went to school in the morning and all the desks and chairs were always dusty as hell. Not to mention the students from the afternoon session rearranged the desks everyday to their teacher's preference. Hence, every morning at 6, four of us had to go to clean the classroom and rearrange the desks. We did that for the whole year. It was an interesting and a completely new experience to clean the classroom because we were used to our classrooms being cleaned and arranged by the time we already came to class.

4. You feel like you're studying for the sake of studying

The biggest complain I had during my secondary education was studying things that I felt were useless in the real world. Especially when studying mathematics. I remember one day, my math teacher was teaching us matrices and I asked what a matrix was used for. What did the teacher say? "You'll learn it later." And this was the answer I got every time I asked any teacher about the purpose of a certain lesson. One time, in a calculus class, we challenged the teacher why using imaginary numbers worked. This time the teacher gave even a better answer than my previous teachers. "Sometimes you'll have to trust me and believe things because I said so." Yup! We weren't taught to think. We were indoctrinated to do things just because we were told to do so. However, I did manage to find out the use of matrices when I took 3D graphics in college. (TL; DR: Computers used matrices to do computations on its graphics cards.) I still can't believe why my math teacher couldn't tell me that.

ahem....I also learned where babies came from :-)

5. Unfair punishment/treatment

If you're reading this I'll assume you've gone to some form of school and have been punished. The thing about getting punished in my experience is that it's never fair. How unfair? This one time I was in class when someone threw an egg on to the ceiling. The egg came from outside and I was busy talking to a friend when it happened. Being the good Samaritans that we were, we went to the school office and reported it. Next thing we know, we had to return to school office after school and the two deputy/assistant principals at the time "Nafa" Naseem and "Gahaa" Saeed made us kneel down on the ground and write what happened. I told a nearby supervisor that we were the people who reported what happened. Then Mr. Naseem, who everyone at school hated for being a glorious stinky piece of shit-filled asshole, told us that he wants to show us who's boss, and that's saying it very eloquently (miadhu beynumee kaleymennah hey aruvaalan). Another incident that I'll never forget is from when I was in grade 1. We had a kid who was considered a little crazy (See? we discriminated even then. Looking back I'm sure the kid was normal cos he grew up to be a fine intelligent man) and one day he was chasing this girl with a broom. Everyone in the class were assigned to groups and I was the group leader to which she belonged. I don't know what I was thinking but I tried to stop the kid and somehow we ended up sandwiching the girl between us and she got hit with the broom. Needless to say she started crying and Lo and behold! A supervisor showed up. He asked the class what happened and everyone pointed at me. I explained what happened down to every detail and the supervisor scolded me and I'm pretty sure he made me stand still at my desk. One silver lining from this whole thing: I learned at a younger age that life wasn't going to be fair to me and I managed to learn to live around the system.

punish me if you must. cos I can take it.

6. Always carry a pen with you if meeting someone important

I just finished grade 10 and I went back to get recommendation from the school principal to get into grade 11. I was in the principal's office to get the report from him and he showed me that there was a portion on the form where I forgot to fill. I asked him to borrow a pen and he said, "No". I was startled and not sure I heard him correctly, I asked him if he wasn't going to lend me a pen. He said he wouldn't and he said it with a smile. I muttered a curse under my breath and went to find a pen from elsewhere. I later met with a classmate and shared what happened at the principal's office. My classmate laughed and told me that he had the same experience and that the principal told him that he should always carry a pen when going to meetings. In the spirit of full disclosure, I didn't fully learn this lesson until I finished college.

7. I only started learning when I began to enjoy studying

Now in grade 11 and till then, English was my weakest subject. I even straight up failed English in my O Level exams. Anyway, I had this wonderful teacher in Grade 11. She made us write what we wanted and let us enjoy the process. She told us what we were doing wrong while doing exercises and the best part of it all: she didn't throw a fit when we got a little late to class or if we missed a class. She did get angry and scolded us but she didn't kick us out of the class as per school regulations in case we were late. I must say I learned more about English (and teaching) from her than from my 10 years of education up to that point. In addition, she gave me confidence that I can do well in English. In short, it was a blast!

So there you have it. If you're an educator you may not agree with everything I said. I don't blame you. I'm still grateful to all my teachers and I can't thank them enough because they did, whether I like it or not, make me who I am today.

Until next time. Adios...

a letter of apology to mohamed ibthihaal

(Author's note: If you haven't heard about the incident please have a look here)

Dear Mohamed Ibthihaal,

It is with great regret I inform you that we have failed you as a society. We're deeply saddened by the brutal incident and would like to point out the deepest disappointment in our own selves at the time of this heartbreaking murder. Please do not despair or think your death went unnoticed, because the nation collectively condemns, in the harshest of words, your inhumane death.

Ibthihaal. I'm sorry your picture is plastered on every newspaper and every news outlet today so that we can all feel good by feeling bad about our own negligence. Only through such sensationalisation are we able to keep our focus on a single event. Having said that, I'm sorry that we would soon forget you and your death would just be a number in the myriads of manslaughters in this nation.

I'm sorry, Ibthihaal, that we as a society do not concern ourselves with the wellbeing of others. It's not like we knew your mother was abusing you for the past 3 years. I'm sorry, but, as a society, we don't look at children born out of wedlock as part of the community. I'm sorry that we look at such children as a bad omen and would like to keep our own safe from you. As such, we chose to ignore you because you didn't really belong to our close-knit family in the island. I'm sorry that we punish children for the sins of their parents. I'm sorry that we see you for nothing less than the sinful spawn of two adulterers. On that note, I'm also sorry that we could not identify who your father was. I'm sorry we live in a system where only his confession would have confirmed him your father as four grown men didn't see him fornicate with your mother, whose word, by the way, holds no meaning in court.

Ibthihaal, you don't know me but I'm sorry, because even if we cared, we live in a system that does not allow preemptive action. I'm sorry we live in a society that's content with letting child abusers and pedophiles walk free because, one: it's not our child and two: we don't have evidence. We are sorry but please understand that we can't really take the words of a child against an adult, and in some cases, their blood relatives. Sometimes, even their own parents. I'm sorry you didn't grow up to be an adult, because if so, you would be able to have solace in the fact that there are many others like you who grew up bruised, battered, and molested. Because, by then, you would realize, and I am very embarrassed to say this, that you weren't the first child we failed.

I'm sorry that everyone of us will use your image and your story to further our agenda. I'm sorry that even though we will likely find people who were accomplices to your murder through negligence, we will not address the root cause of this issue. I'm sorry that none of the policy makers, the grassroots, or even taxpayers would find the need to address such issues during political debates, unless it has something to do with overthrowing the person in power. However, it is with great pleasure I inform you, that we will find a scapegoat for your death and we will punish all parties involved directly. Then, I'm afraid and I'm really sorry to say this, we will sweep this issue under the rug.

i'm sorry that even though we feel sad, we'll forget everything about you very soon

I'm sorry...I'm sorry you didn't grow up to enjoy life to the fullest. Please be rest assured that you did indeed have a wonderful future ahead of you such as education, sports, friends, and most importantly, a life. I'm sorry we failed in our duties but we hope you understand and forgive us because we had bigger issues at hand. One as young as you wouldn't understand the consequences of music shows, political rivalries, or the importance of promoting xenophobia even at the cost of overlooking the current cancers in our society. I'm sorry we were too busy swimming in our own pile of hypocrisy and I'm sorry the only solace our religious clerics could offer you is the dangers of fornication to a society.

Mohamed Ibthihaal, I sincerely hope that you accept our deepest apologies because your death would be in vain and we would do nothing besides angry/sad posts on social media or pass pictures of you around and, as I noted earlier, feel good by feeling bad about you.

I'm sorry.

Very Respectfully,

The Republic of Maldives

if maldivian institutions were honest

DISCLAIMER: Please excuse my photo editing skills. I used Powerpoint (read: Excel) to make these images. For a better view, just click on the first picture and you can go through the pictures as a slideshow.

The following post is rated 'H' for Honest!

#1

#2

 #3

#4

#5

#6

Can you think of anymore? Let me know in the comments. Until next time. Adios...

the wizard of maldives: an analogy

The following post is rated 'S' for spoilers.

If there is one thing I like as much as cartoons, it is making analogies out of cartoons. You see, analogies are the perfect way to present an idea and...OK OK. I know you know what an analogy is. Let us get on with the post.

gather one, gather all! it's time to give another classic the maldivian treatment

Unlike Alice in Wonderland, for which I did an analogy sometime earlier (have a look), I remember the Wizard of Oz for haunting me the first time I watched the movie as an innocent boy. I have never been the same innocent naive boy since. The Wizard of Oz opened my eyes to the dark side of life: witchcraft, lions, slippers, and finally, flying monkeys! Not to derail from the subject at hand, but let us reminisce the 'dark side of the rainbow' that had avid readers and wannabes everywhere jump with excitement. What I am trying to say here is that the Wizard of Oz literally is the shit! So...now that I am grown up, mature, and flamboyantly handsome, I want to get to the crux of things and see how I can analyze our God-given pearl of a country through the lens of this timeless classic by Frank Baum.

1. I'll start off with the main protagonist: Dorothy Gale. Miss Gale is not your everyday law-abiding citizen. On the contrary, she is in fact one of the most important people in the universe of Oz. Plucked from her home in Kansas, all Dorothy wants is to get back home. However, she is all that stands between good and evil. Furthermore, she is the brains and muscles of her band of misfits. In short, she has big shoes to fill. More on the said shoes later.

eyes on the shoes! she's not some piece of meat for you to ogle at

Throughout the whole book/movie, Dorothy does everything humanly possible to reach home but keeps falling short and ends up having to help the Wizard every single time. In short, she represents each and everyone of us apart from a lucky few. We all have such high hopes and dreams and whatnot, but the majority of us hardly get there. We get hiccups midway, whether it's getting married and popping out a child, or having to settle finances. Either way, in the end we find ourselves quite far from where we wanted to go.

all i wanted was to be a writer who moonlights as a superhero and i have to settle for writing captions!

2. Tin Man

*sigh* i wish!

Apart from not being everyone's superhero from Marvel (and by everyone I mean those who know superheroes through Hollywood), Tin Man represents the service industry of the Maldives. Sure, Tin Man looks all polished and shiny on the outside, but he's as useful as nipples on a breastplate. Likewise, if you have dealt with any place in the Maldives that serves customers, such as Bank of Maldives, IGMH, Dhiraagu, Post Office, and restaurants, to name a few, you'd rue the day you were born. You would not only get piss-poor service, they'll rape your sanity along the way! At a restaurant they'll charge you an arm and a leg despite the shitty service and unwanted 'souvenirs' in your food. At a queue, there'll be one working counter no matter how many people are in line. Despite where you go, one thing they all have in common is that the staff would go out of their way to ensure you have PTSD by the time you are finished.

my face when i get service at *insert any place you want*

3. I don't really have to explain much for this entry, given the name Cowardly Lion. I remember the first time I saw him on TV and literally shat my shorts. He was that scary. However, five minutes later, even my young and very clueless mind was able to grasp the reality of what was unfurling right before my very small eyes. The King of the jungle, the fucking Maharajah of the freaking animal kingdom, was a sissy!

if this clown is the king of the jungle, i'm the goddamned batman!

So what does this closeted cross-dressing (hint hint) Sultan of the wild represent in our country? His hairy majesty represents the unusual tendency of today's youth. Mainly the males' fashion tastes. Even the most bad ass gangster cum drug lord on the streets wears pink shirts and skinny jeans. I know I'm not the one to talk when it comes to fashion and stuff, but hello! At least wear something that does not make us normal folks question your sexuality. What's even grimmer is that many from the up and coming female generation find this abomination manly. Blech!

 imagine fitting your legs and your family jewels in that cone and try not to cringe

4. Scarecrow

be honest with me here and tell me the warner bros logo at the bottom right of the screen didn't remind you of bugs bunny

Scarecrows have only one God-given purpose in their lives: scare the shit out of pests. And, if the Wizard of Oz has given any indication of it thus far, it's that scaring is the one thing our straw-filled friend cannot do. Likewise, we have a fair number of laws in our nation and even though our Constitution fails to match the lengthy prowess of the Constitution of India, we do have a good amount of laws and regulations to govern the state. Furthermore, the legislature keeps enacting new laws every year to empower relevant authorities to make sure people abide laws of the land. I'll tell you one thing this farce has achieved: These laws and whatnot sure have protected the offenders from having to answer in the court of law. Whether it is due to a technical issue or because of lack of evidence, the laws that are enacted to protect the citizens do everything but!

behave!

5. Nothing says the Wizard of Oz like the flying monkeys. They fly, they're sneaky, and they are monkeys! These pesky apes represent the cancer that plagues our nation: the drug addicts, the murderers, the addicts, the rapists, and the thieves. We can argue that we no longer have the very basic right a human should have: feeling secure in our own house. And thanks to the inability of the authorities and lackluster laws (i.e. entry 4), these pests roam free day and night. All the taxpayers are left to do with is to lock their doors and pray it's someone else that gets shagged. There's a loophole though: you are also someone else's someone else. Did that make sense? Never mind.

it's a bird! it's a plane! it's a...bunchofcrazyparteyscomingtofuckingstabyou!

6. Ruby slippers (as promised)

no, it isn't something to ward off foot worshipers

The ruby slippers, though not technically a character, presents the means for our heroine to go to home. If we look at the current state of the country, our biggest target has been establishing democracy. What better way to represent democracy than by a free and fair election? This is what the ruby slippers is to the Maldivians: the very means to establish rule of law and good governance. Oh, did I not mention that even though the ruby slippers have the magic to take us anywhere, us Maldivians always seem to choose an asshole when it comes to decide who to rule us. This is not something that is happening only now. It has been the same throughout our history. And no, I don't mean the past thirty years. Maldives has been around a whole lot longer than that! In the end, even though we know the people who took a dump on us, even though we know they will do it again, we always re-elect them and place them on the pedestal so that we may cower beneath them while they caress our tresses with their poo.

wait a gosh darn minute! are you telling me we've been going round in circles?

7. If you have been reading this post up to this point, you should know we still have a wizard unaccounted for. It would also behoove you to know that the wizard represents the politicians. We fall for their sleazy tricks. Not to mention, politicians are royal dicks who treat their constituents worse than cum rags unless it's time to vote. I'll paraphrase a quote from an incumbent MP who stated that he bought his seats. That it was a business transaction and as businesses go, he had the right to sell his votes, to shift alliances and to you know...be a royal dick. I just cannot fathom how the hell Maldivians not see all this!

i've read harry potter. wizards use brooms to fly. i call shenanigans! 

8. Wicked Witch of the West

No tale is complete without a formidable villain and the Wicked Witch of the West is as villainous as a villain could be.

can i cop a feel...just a little?

No. She does not personify she-hulk wannabe women who like young girls. She stands for something far worse: xenophobia. We have become so insecure in our faith that we have succumbed to identifying everything based on whether it's blasphemous aka laadheenee or accepted in Islam. Whether it's the death of a fellow human being or whether it's simply wishing a new year, we would rather bicker whether the person would go to hell or heaven instead of praying for peace for the departed soul. Or in the case of sending well wishes on an occasion, holier than thou know-it-alls among us would preach non-stop about how wishing someone during their festivities would mean we accept their religion. And don't even get me started on how we see everything as a crucifix or an idol. I mean, it's not like my faith is a snowflake that would melt once the rays from the sun hits it. Or maybe we feel losing our religion is as easy as losing our virginity. I mean, it's not like I'd slip and enter someone and slip out and slip back in again. Is it that easy?

hmm...not sure if this post is laadheenee or not

Until next time. Adios...

a little blasphemy

Now that GMR is gone and some of us are hell-bent on going back to the days when we ate goat - played goat - slept goat and drank goat, we seem to have provided the breeding grounds for doing things in the name of religion. It is sad that the 'Islamic' tag makes anything and everything acceptable these days, and very profitable as well. The number of holier than thou know-it-alls is on the rise who look at punishment and fear as the only way to spread Islam while casting a blind-eye to the root of all.

Having said that, the post today is not about the exploits of the deeply devout, but on an incident that came up a few weeks back. Before I dive in, Maldives, and by extension, Maldivians have always regarded sex as a taboo topic. It is considered a very, as female teenagers would say it, eww subject. I remember the day I asked my dad about how to fornicate and he just straight up told me kids should not speak about it. In his defence, it may be because I was just 7 at the time and it was the not the perfect topic for father-son bonding. But still...it's just a snapshot of our culture when it comes to sex: it's our dirty little secret; the perfect setting for pedophiles, molesters, and rapists..

A few weeks back, the whole country was shocked when an 11-year old prematurely gave birth at 7 months. There was public outcry that such a little girl was so naughty as to have sex at such a tender age, let alone, give birth. She deserved what she got, people said. The duly devout went on public forums saying that little girls won't give birth. I have a message for the so called sheikh. Yeah, little girls won't give birth. However, little girls won't want to get pregnant either, and devouring a penis is the last thing on their mind. And the hardcore Islamic 'evangelists' called for her to be flogged for her sin. Screw that! Everyone called for her to be flogged.

What most of the delusional people at this country failed to even think about is how in the Seven Heavens' name does an 11-year old get pregnant? They forgot one very important piece of the equation:

if you didn't get it, it's a penis. a friggin' penis!

Yeah, no one bothered to inquire as to how the little girl ended up with a babe in her belly. Unless she's the reincarnation of Virgin Mary, I am pretty sure it took two to tango in this dance. What's even sadder is that none of the so called advocates and champions of human rights and such had the cojones to mutter a word on the issue. The United Nations, UNICEF, the Human Rights Commission of the Maldives, Advocating the Rights of Children, and many other agencies failed or rather chose to stay silent on the issue. Then again, I don't blame the silence of most of them when considering the debacles of the pious every time someone questions the logic of such things. Faith, after all, is blind.

A small lining in the silver cloud came when DNA evidence surfaced and follow-up investigations show that she was indeed raped and did not get jiggy with a man on her own accord as the majority of the nation first perceived. So all in all, we have an 11-year old who is a victim of a man who was a family friend. Not to mention the allegations that her uncle had molested her as well. But even up to today, very few have openly condemned this incident. And even more more so, fewer have condemned the silence of the relevant authorities and agencies.

In the end, we are left with an 11-year old whose life is over before it has even begun. She is already labelled a slut and a sinner, and thanks to our very able media, the whole of Addu Shitty (pun intended) knows her by now.

So here is a big fuck you to the two sick sons of bitches who raped the little girl, and an even bigger fuck you to all the authorities that stayed silent on this issue. Last but not least, here is a fuck you to the former Minister of Gender, Human Rights, and Family who did nothing noteworthy during this fiasco, but got her bra in a knot when her husband was arrested by the Police for being drunk. I hope you all rot in hell with hot barbed rods up every hole in your body! And please don't get me started on the family. Her own mother stayed silent through the whole ordeal even after the girl told her mother about the abuse. I hope your uterus bleeds out along with your innards and you never give birth again!

exhibit A: barbed rod 2020

Until next time. Adios...

against discrimination

image courtesy of http://www.fivewaysshiatsu.co.uk/

It's been a while since I have posted anything and wanted to come back with a BANG this time... (pause for apllause) Thank you... So it seems things have been quite crazy in the crowdiest, most dangerous, craziest, shitiest, most.. err okay, enough with the supelatives.. (pause for mild laughter) capital of the world aka Male'.

The latest news on my mind is the issue of the Israelis in our beloved country. Sure, we have no place for the star of David on our national colors and neither do we want to ally with the scum of the Earth that are jews... (pause for cheer) but, I must say, seriously people? You got nothing better to do than get out of your houses and protest in the streets just because some Jews are in the country? (let the news sink in)

Go ahead, hate me for what I am about to say.. curse me.. well, not literally.. I'm too young to die yet.. need to do certain things before I pass away (knock on wood)

Sorry, I got carried away there. Getting back on track, the Israelis are here! Their doctors are operating on our people because we lack the most essential of health care. Not to mention they do have their own agendas as well; such as gathering intelligence on our country, promoting their values, and gaining symapthy for their cause. I'm probably confusing you right now, aren't I? (audience nods in agreement)

HORSE SHIT!! I'm not advocating them being in the Maldives any more than I advocate our government officials running the country, but hey.. it is out of my control. (quick smile at the audience)

The presence of the Israeli (these people are a cause for trouble. I'm having a hard time with the spelling itself. Imagine how the people would be!) doctors did not bother be much just because they are Jews. Two things bothered me;

1. There are Islamic countries who have good doctors (to be fair, any country has better health care systems than us) but I do not see their teams of doctors coming into the country to help our folks. All I see are people who come to give sermons and promote the religion. Dude, we need REAL aid to this country from you people. The Israeli team does have their own agendas for coming to this country, but even so, they have the stone-clad balls to come here, a 100% Muslim country, and do their thing in the name of medicine. Why cannot the Muslim countries provide the same health even with their own agendas. It is not much with all the oil they are drilling from the earth each day.

2. The haste with which we (*sniff* I have to include myself as well) judge others are simply.. what is a good word to decribe.. (keep the audience guessing).. aaah yes, preposterous! We do not have the right to judge anyone else. Who am I, or you, to decide how someone else is? (for the sake of argument, I can judge you all for who you are in this post)

There, that is my beef with all the protesters from the weekend. Stop stereotyping! Have you forgotten the new born baby who was thrown away at Hulhumale? Did the Israelis make the mother do that? What about all the freaking deaths caused by stabbing? Are the Israelis responsible for that? HELL NO! It is the good for nothing Maldivians who did all that! Furthermore, they cannot be convicted because of lack of evidence. AAAAARRRRGHH!! If I stab someone in front of everyone, what more evidence do you need? Well, in my case, you will not need because I am expendible (wait for a sympathetic 'awwww' from the audience)

The acts from the weekend does nothing but diminish our place in the world. Do not get me wrong, I am not happpy with the idea of establishing diplomatic ties with Israel. The reason for that is far beyond my scope of reach, but why don't the Islamic organizations and teams in the Maldives establish better ties with the Islamic countries. The same goes to the government and the President. This is a cause for major concern (temporary interruption: *salute* Major Concern) We need to make sure that the aid from the Islamic countries are not limited to providing an hour long speech about religion but rather that it provides more physical aid.

This part of the post is for our good-for-nothing opposition politicians. The only reason you created a fuss about the whole thing is to oppose the government. If you are all so keen to protect the religion as you claim, you would have done a better job with all the bills and everything that goes in your circus.. oops I meant to say the parliament. (pause for laughter) So, you are not any better than the Israelis who are here. Atleast they have the chocolate-covered-titanium balls (girls love it and guys cannot crush it) to show up with their hidden agendas.

Anyway, I think I have rambled enough for tonight. I would like to leave you with two things. First, we can marry a Jewish woman. If they are such a bad people, would our religion allow it? Secondly, look at the hand on the top of this article. The fingers are of different colors and are of different length. Does the red pinky make the hand any less of a hand? Does the yellow thumb hinder its grip? (wait for the audience to disagree) Exactly! We have to judge the hand for what it can do regardless of what it looks like or the length of its fingers. Likewise, regardless of whether a person is a Muslim, Jew, Christian, Hindu, or any of the other hundred or so religions in the world, what matters is whether the person is a good human. The rest of the judgement is up to God. And FYI, the pinky is yellow and the thumb is red. I was testing your attentiveness. Adios... (standing ovation)