tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27535973189084063562024-03-13T23:58:55.229-07:00food for thoughtwhen you are too busy to careuseful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-18048347313343349142020-08-17T22:58:00.003-07:002020-08-18T09:09:38.749-07:00public outcry after new internet service provider unveils internet package<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
MALE' SHITTY — The otherwise calm and serene capital of the Maldives was rocked by public outcry after the country's newest internet service provider Vedont Ripyo Uofph, a joint venture company between Dhiraagu and Swedish telecom giants Telenor, announced their prices. Journalists, armchair analysts, and social media influencer-cum-experts are on the fence after the initial excitement as Vedont Ripyo Uofph sought to revolutionize the cyber-communication industry in the country.</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3zOjuEesfs0/Xzs0KtBAhXI/AAAAAAAABVo/gDcgZ9TFfVYjuFgLLsNXEyuQd5Hek2c5wCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/maldives-internet.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="268" data-original-width="640" height="168" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3zOjuEesfs0/Xzs0KtBAhXI/AAAAAAAABVo/gDcgZ9TFfVYjuFgLLsNXEyuQd5Hek2c5wCLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h168/maldives-internet.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: center;" trbidi="on"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="text-align: left;">Vedont Ripyo Uofph's </span><span style="text-align: left;">project was announced last year with the aim of providing world class internet service to Maldivians at an affordable price. (photo: </span><a href="https://maldivesfinest.com/maldives-internet-speed" style="text-align: left;">https://maldivesfinest.com/maldives-internet-speed</a>)</span></i></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Speaking at the press conference, Vedont Ripyo Uofph's CEO, who is also the Chairman of the Board of Directors of Dhiraagu, has 19-percent stake in Ooredoo's shares, is a renown businessman and real estate developer in the Maldives, and is also related to the President, the First Lady, former President, cousins with the current and former Speakers of the Parliament, and lastly, husband of Youth Minister's sister and uncle to the former first children Dhunya and Yumna Qayoom, stated that Vedont Ripyo Uofph aimed to answer the complaints by the tolerant citizens of the Maldives who have been waiting ever so patiently for affordable internet in today's developing world.</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Vedont Ripyo Uofph currently offers a 1G fiber broadband internet package for MVR 6000, which comes with a free router and truly unlimited internet. In comparison, Dhiraagu and Ooredoo both offer their 1G fiber broadband packages for MVR 6990 with a 3 TB data allowance and additional router/installation fees. "It is almost as if there is no difference between the two companies," Vedont Ripyo Uofph's spokesperson told local newspapers. "With us, you can see something is different...at least in the numbers."</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Public outrage began when a world-famous local Instagram influencer tweeted the cost of the same package by Telenor, the parent company of Vedont Ripyo Uofph: USD 68.95 (MVR 1063). When confronted with this information on twitter and on the verge of getting canceled, the CEO of Vedont Ripyo Uofph responded that the reason for the high markup for the same package in the Maldives was to make up for economies of scale.</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">"You see, in Sweden, we offer our service to a population of over 10 million people and last year the revenue was at 1.24 billion dollars." CEO of Vedont Ripyo Uofph stated. "We, as a business, have our duty to our partners and share holders to deliver similar profit margins from our project in the Maldives as well. Also, if you look at the prices, we are still offering 1000 rufiyaa less than Dhiraagu and Ooredoo."</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">When asked how they came up with the MVR 6000 price tag, Vedont Ripyo Uofph's marketing department explained that they calculated the cost of flying to Sweden, food and accommodation, and subscribing to the same package in Sweden. "Once you add all that up, we are practically, giving our internet service for free," Vedont Ripyo Uofph's CEO tweeted after the press conference. "In fact, I wouldn't be lying if I were to say that we are basically paying you to become our customers!" Insider reports also claim, there have been pleas from both Dhiraagu and Ooredoo to not lower the price of the packages as it would see the their profits pummel within months.</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">"What customers need to better understand is trickle down economics," an economist who works with the local telecommunication lobbyist group Maldives Association for Communication Technology Industry (MACTI) posted on Facebook yesterday evening. "When our telecom companies do well with their sweat and blood, the money they bring into the economy will eventually go to the local business owners and eventually our beloved citizens." The said economist also claimed that the telecommunication industry was built with very hard work by a couple of very ordinary individuals and that they have thus far received little credit from the public.</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Regardless of what happens, it is imperative that we as citizens of this peaceful and tolerant country have faith in Vedont Ripyo Uofph as we have had in Dhiraagu and Ooredoo all these years to get similar internet services at Google speed at very affordable prices with minimal interruptions and above reproach customer service.</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Until next time. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-43461926513006228822019-02-07T08:08:00.002-08:002019-02-07T08:08:56.808-08:00jazeerasutra: sex manual for the islander in you<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The theme these days is <i>jazeeraa raajje. </i>Whether it is the dress we wear or the food we eat. Jazeeraa is the next big thing in the Maldives. And what better way to celebrate our jazeeraaness then by using it to enjoy the carnal pleasures leading up to and including coitus.<br />
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So here are some sex moves and sex related stuff you ought to know as we travel on our journey of disillusionment.<br />
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1. The coconut palm<br />
Nothing says jazeeraa more than coconut palms. It is our bread and butter so as to speak. So...it’s only fair that we honor our national tree by celebrating it in our bedroom as well. To perform the coconut palm, have your male partner wear a mundu without any underwear. Cos men don’t wear underwear in jazeeraa raajje. Anyway, have your man wear a mundu sans his ball-supporter and have him slowly sit on your face. The idea behind this move is to appreciate the view of your lover’s family jewels in all its glory as it descends upon your eager face and finally caress your facial orifices.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y6UOL7xp9I4/XBpirNlig3I/AAAAAAAABOM/EksJ7KrlTDspFEaH1-jYgxdncTqMA3xrgCLcBGAs/s1600/596E41F7-B485-4D36-A910-D05B4EBAC81D.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="552" data-original-width="736" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y6UOL7xp9I4/XBpirNlig3I/AAAAAAAABOM/EksJ7KrlTDspFEaH1-jYgxdncTqMA3xrgCLcBGAs/s320/596E41F7-B485-4D36-A910-D05B4EBAC81D.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i>the pheromone rush as your man’s musky aroma fills your nostrils is exhilarating</i></div>
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2. Dehusking a coconut<br />
If coconut palm is the bread and butter of Maldives, then coconut is our jam. You Male’ians might not know this, but coconuts don’t come all round and clean. No sir! It comes covered in this thick ass hard shell you need to remove before you can get to the inner hard shell you normally see in your city shops. Meanwhile, my fellow islanders will be familiar with the rigorous dehusking process before we ship them off to Male’ or use them. If you’ve ever seen or even been around while dehusking, you’d notice how the juices from the husk slowly runs down the stake. So imagine the coconut is the woman and the stake is the penis...well..that pretty much sums up this highly popular sex move at futtaru.<br />
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3. Mani mundu<br />
White people use what they call a cum rag when pleasuring oneself. It could be anything. From a sock to a soiled pair of boxers or just some old-fashioned Kleenex. The purpose of the said rag is to stop your baby juice from spraying all over your room leaving behind evidence of your auto eroticism for your mom to find. Anyway, us jazeeraa people don’t need the white man’s equipment for such desires. We use the sarong we wear in jazeeraa. So next time you have a raging hardon, just hide in the nearest mangrove, grab your jazeeraa stick, cover the head with a mundu, and go to town on that bad boy.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b0RWnrv4vzk/XFwt1_yqQ4I/AAAAAAAABPM/fUWnrF7LJhstdJlV1msz40Z9tq_srtYFwCLcBGAs/s1600/C5CC207A-E250-43C6-8A6D-8C631C1F3B3C.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="500" height="153" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b0RWnrv4vzk/XFwt1_yqQ4I/AAAAAAAABPM/fUWnrF7LJhstdJlV1msz40Z9tq_srtYFwCLcBGAs/s320/C5CC207A-E250-43C6-8A6D-8C631C1F3B3C.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i>here’s to happy endings</i></div>
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4. Mundu thong<br />
Long before lingerie and outfits for sexy times were invented, our forefathers managed with what was available on hand (no pun intended): mundu. By this time it’s fair to say mundu is the Swiss Army knife of jazeeraa sex stuff. So what did our horny shipwrecked forefathers do when they wanted to get jiggy with some jazeeraa booty? Why, they merely rolled up the sarong tight and tucked the end into the back, making a very attractive but manly undergarment that oozed testesterone and manliness.<br />
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5. The dirty rihaakuru<br />
While the origin of this sex move is up for debate, scholars agree that we might have borrowed it from ancient Mexicans who washed up after their Italian ship sank near the Gaadhoo Channel. The idea is very simple. It came from how a local delicacy called rihaakuru stuck to your fingers after you touched it. The sex move by the same name is when you baste yourself in your partner’s ejaculate. The move became so well known that the captain of the Italian ship MV Borri coined the term and published it in her infamous travel diary.<br />
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6. Pole and line fishing<br />
Spoiler alert: it has nothing to do with pole or line or fish or even sex for that matter. Nonetheless, it would be unfair to end a post without paying homage to our tuna. But whereas pole and line fishing is a sustainable method for tuna, the jazeeraa side of things takes a dark turn. In jazeeraa terms, this move is used to describe the seducing of crowds by grown men. Often times the seducer is a rich powerful man. The only reason jazeerasutra laureates use this term is cos tuna is often caught on a naked hook and the likeness of it to how jazeeraa men lure crowds into believing anything thrown at them, often times on own volition, is too similar. These men, or fishermen as used in this metaphor, will be able to justify anything to the masses, whether it’s convincing a nation that a grown man courting a minor is ok under some circumstances or letting child molesters and sexual predators walk free for the greater good is justifiable.<br />
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I’ll finish my post at this point and let you come up with other creative ideas. And before I get any hate for writing about sex moves only for the pleasure of males, all I have to say is that this is jazeeraa sex moves. Not female sex moves.<br />
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Until next time. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-26574146849380997312017-05-13T09:35:00.001-07:002017-05-13T10:16:32.991-07:00a fond adieu...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I can write about a person taken from us way too soon. A person who stood up for justice. Tonight I can write about a son. A brother. But most of all, a friend. He was kind. He was intelligent. He was humane. He was unwavering in his cries for our rights. And they killed him.<br />
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Tonight I write about the first time I met Yameen. It was during the blogosphere days. I was in college back then and his writings always irked my curiosity. It was how I knew him for the longest time until I met him in person much later. I was meeting with some friends for a coffee and they brought their friends. I always hated when people did that, but I had to play nice. Rilwan was there too. It was the first time I met him in person as well. We discussed how we could make Maldives a better place. We even agreed we could run the country better and had a fun time assigning ministries to all of us. As much as I hated meeting all those strangers at first, I had a fun night. Looking back, I am glad I didn't bail out at the thought of strangers, for they became my friends.<br />
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And then the message <strike>yesterday</strike> more than 20 days ago. Truly, we belong to Allah and unto Him we return!<br />
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I don't know how many times I tried to write this post but stopped. How hard it is to put grief into words. How hard it is knowing I would never see him again. There are so many things on my mind I cannot simply write here.<br />
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I have always been the first to say condemning an action is not enough. That prayers aren't enough. But tonight, I'm reduced to just venting on here. But no, I am not here to mourn his death. No, sir! That would give too much satisfaction to all the cowards who try to silence his voice. I would rather celebrate his life.<br />
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Tonight I want to celebrate his witty sarcastic humor and his never-ending argument with me about British English and American English. We had our disagreements on other issues beyond the best and most complete form of English. But I always respected his principles and his logic. I respected his ability to argue on both sides of issues while remaining impartial. As a friend once told me, his was a beautiful mind. Too bad some can never see past their own dogma.<br />
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I would never forget this one incident. We were having dinner at a friend's. While the rest of us sat and rested after a delicious feast, he went to wash the dishes after eating. He was extremely nice like that. I can go on citing various anecdotes about all the things he taught me, but I want to keep those for myself. All I can say is, he changed my views about a few things. I definitely learned from him.<br />
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Tonight I want to make a confession. Hey man. I never went to see your face at your funeral. However, I was there when they buried you. I didn't want to see your lifeless body. I hope you'll forgive me for wanting to remember you as the last time we met. It is very selfish of me to remember your face so full of life and smiling. Oh and before I forget, you never called me back about our coffee. You better be ready when we meet again.<br />
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So...thank you, my friend. My brother. And fare thee well. It breaks the heart of me to know you're not here. You were one of the very few who stood up for others without a personal agenda. You may have left us, but your voice will live on through us. By silencing you, those cowards have immortalized you. I know nothing can undo the injustice of losing you. And it angers me that you'd wish nothing but a just and fair trial even for the people who ended your life. It humbles me to know you'd still not change your principles after what happened to you. You always valued human life. You were the bravest of us all. When everyone else fled the country in fear for their life, you stayed back. And they killed you for it. This country never deserved you. Right now all I have the strength for is to say I'm a better person for having known you. The world will miss you. I will miss you. I just wish we could have had you for a lot longer than this.<br />
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To bastardize J.K. Rowling; we'll remember, if the time should come when we have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy, we will remember what happened to a young man who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of some bullies. We will remember Yameen Rasheed.<br />
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Be Thou at Peace.<br />
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Until we meet again. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-85057820613761011312016-05-09T21:40:00.001-07:002016-05-10T21:34:00.426-07:00if harry potter and magic existed in maldives<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>NOTE:</b> This post is dedicated to everyone who waited for a letter from Hogwarts but never received it because THE STUPID OWL THEY SENT GOT LOST ON THE WAY!<br />
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<span style="text-align: left;">Growing up reading Harry Potter is perhaps the biggest achievement of my life. Okay okay, maybe not </span><i style="text-align: left;">the </i><span style="text-align: left;">biggest, but it's definitely up there. So, if you're anything like me, you'd have wondered how wonderful it would have been if we lived in a world where fantastic beasts and creatures roamed the world and, last but most importantly: we went to Hogwarts. This morning I gave a lot of thought (the time it takes me to shower) to the subject and I realized it might not be all that fantastical to have the magic of the Potterverse in the Maldives.</span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JjQ88UcauH0/VvI6f9PQB9I/AAAAAAAAAno/bO-GlnSjXIg0FIodCeuimJu9n7yNKIb-gCKgB/s1600/harry_potter_logo_by_jonathan3333.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="138" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JjQ88UcauH0/VvI6f9PQB9I/AAAAAAAAAno/bO-GlnSjXIg0FIodCeuimJu9n7yNKIb-gCKgB/s320/harry_potter_logo_by_jonathan3333.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">tu tuuu tu tuuuu tu tuuuuu tuuuuuu tuuuuuu tutututu</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></i></div>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">1. Number of dark wizards will rise exponentially </span></b><br />
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Some argue that the first Maldivians consisted of shipwrecked seafarers, who later ended up making the Maldivian genome. This explains our range of tools when it comes to problem solving: from pretending the problem doesn't exist to doing black magic to kill the other guy.<br />
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Let me present 3 real life scenarios and how the person involved solved the problem:<br />
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<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Have a problem with your neighbor about who owns the coconut palm, which happens to have his name on it and was owned by his father before him? Answer: Use black magic to kill the dude and claim ownership.</li>
<li>Ever wanted to shag your handsome hunk of a colleague who's already married to someone else? Use black magic to seduce the guy into courting you.</li>
<li>And most importantly...did your football team ever have a match they really needed to win? USE BLACK FUCKING MAGIC!</li>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TZtZqOL9Z3g/Vy75m5CJpsI/AAAAAAAAAoc/2uNXdnt9Yxk4sk_nM7iTtueLg22N3YiqQCKgB/s1600/tumblr_mxen73p4Yy1su7sauo1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="129" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TZtZqOL9Z3g/Vy75m5CJpsI/AAAAAAAAAoc/2uNXdnt9Yxk4sk_nM7iTtueLg22N3YiqQCKgB/s320/tumblr_mxen73p4Yy1su7sauo1_500.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">good luck porking dhaleyka now!</span></i></div>
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The point I'm trying to make is that we are sort of dicks to people if we don't get things our way whether we can do magic or not! Makes you reassess whether you really want everyone you know, especially your frenemies, be able to do magic, huh? To be honest, I won't be surprised if Maldives has more dark wizards than the entire population of Slytherins who graduated Hogwarts.<br />
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2. From a paradise for tourists to a paradise for stalkers</h2>
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The modus operandi for most Maldivian men to court prospective females is to harass them. This includes but is not limited to stalking them, stalking their families, calling them on their phones, calling their friends, learning their schedule and popping up everywhere they went, and finally, buying gifts to appeal to their materialistic side. Sad as it may sound, sometimes this works. Now imagine you have a crush on Aisha down the street. You absolutely love everything about her. The way she smiles shyly as she fights to keep her veil in place on a windy day. The way her dark brown eyes are so full of life as she sips her coffee. Her ever so inviting lips as she smiles at her baby sister. The way her bodysuit hugs her curves as she prepares to go to gym. You know, the whole package.<br />
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Wouldn't it be so much easier if you had a way of knowing where she was without having to follow her everywhere?<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-78bGbj8ESa4/Vy7u5BQLw5I/AAAAAAAAAoE/lemMpdTrpskKbwgo5_sejxLHF3Qr7nUdACLcB/s1600/2820131721146.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-78bGbj8ESa4/Vy7u5BQLw5I/AAAAAAAAAoE/lemMpdTrpskKbwgo5_sejxLHF3Qr7nUdACLcB/s320/2820131721146.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>a stalker's dream!</i></span></div>
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The Maraauder's Map is an excellent tool for every stalker, but what if there was a way you could watch your stalkee without having to follow them around? I'm talking, of course, about polyjuice potion. With polyjuice potion you could just look at your crush's body as bare as the day she was born without any need of actually getting her to date you. Sounds disturbing, doesn't it? It gets worse in two words: Revenge porn! Imagine you're my good friend Ahmed who was caught cheating on his fiance. She could just use some of Ahmed's hair to become Ahmed and make a scandalous video to ruin Ahmed's hard-earned reputation.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yBkabdGFFhc/VzAud78h6fI/AAAAAAAAApI/vkyhLk7dcvYuzFvCVTQ7oIzRSvQEqPgvQCLcB/s1600/harry_potter_naked.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yBkabdGFFhc/VzAud78h6fI/AAAAAAAAApI/vkyhLk7dcvYuzFvCVTQ7oIzRSvQEqPgvQCLcB/s320/harry_potter_naked.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>dammit, ginny! how many times do i have to tell you that it's cho in that picture?</i></span></div>
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Here's an even more disturbing caveat to the polyjuice potion brewing business. What if you needed a hair of the person you wanted to turn into and the only hair on his body was his anal pubes?<br />
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[I know you Potterheads are thinking I made a goof here. I'm aware that we can use any bit of the person we wanted to turn into when using polyjuice potion. But I really wanted to make you cringe at the thought of drinking the essence of someone's ass hair.]<br />
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3. We'll bring more to the supremacist movement</h2>
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If there's one thing we are good at, it's being pompous assholes. The kindest thing we do for our fellow human is letting them know if the headlight of their cycle is on during the day. That's it! It's because we love to look down on others based on their skin color, family, island, political views, religious views, wealth, and well, anything that we can pull off to show we are superior to them. In fact, I would go as far as to say our xenophobia will make the Malfoys seem like baby unicorns. Factor into this the pure-blood supremacy movement in the Harry Potter world. Not to mention the way most wizards feel about other magical creatures, and the way they treat their own who are cursed into becoming a werewolf. We all remember the hysteria when the parents of Hogwarts students found out that Lupin was a werewolf. And these are the good guys! So all we need is a dash of our supremacy feuds to fuel this already volatile magical world.<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">mmm mmmmmmm i can really taste the tears</span></i><br />
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Let's not forget all the shit the wizards and witches already had to contend with during the Goblin Rebellions of 1612 as a result of the discrimination against our grumpy friends. Add to this all the discrimination we are bringing to this game and I'll go out on a limb and say we'll have nifflers rebelling against us in no time. And they're like at the bottom of the wizard food chain beneath Neville Longbottom's toad Trevor!<br />
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4. A know-it-all but not a do-it-all</h2>
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During our (in)significant life in this world, we all come across at least one person who is a know-it-all. They're pesky at times. They butt in when not invited. Worst of all: they have an answer to everything. Do we know someone like that in Potterverse?<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l7N60BVdB98/VzBNCQPsbII/AAAAAAAAApo/g2gISu-3-8g6cQyi3rJOO1ZrvDSzIqYJgCLcB/s1600/Hermione_-_hand_raise.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="129" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l7N60BVdB98/VzBNCQPsbII/AAAAAAAAApo/g2gISu-3-8g6cQyi3rJOO1ZrvDSzIqYJgCLcB/s320/Hermione_-_hand_raise.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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But to be fair to Hermione, she does actually know what the fuck she's talking about. On top of that, she doesn't back down when it comes to practicing what she preached. Still, it doesn't change the fact that she knows everything and makes you feel as useless as nipples on the Batsuit.<br />
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Think of how you would feel if everyone around you was like her. That, my kind and unkind readers, is what we offer, albeit with a minute difference; unlike our bushy-haired heroine and the champion of the Muggle feminist movement, we don't know shit! We are all full of hot air and criticize and comment as if we know everything when tragedy strikes, but do nothing to prevent a crisis or to help anyone.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JLqbUchKCwU/VzBTzzxmHcI/AAAAAAAAAqE/XEn2o2EhJs4PRBjRlX5OwVknKC93WBAIQCLcB/s1600/ron-weasley-harry-potter-love-1438006836.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JLqbUchKCwU/VzBTzzxmHcI/AAAAAAAAAqE/XEn2o2EhJs4PRBjRlX5OwVknKC93WBAIQCLcB/s320/ron-weasley-harry-potter-love-1438006836.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>ignorance is truly bliss</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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5. Say bye bye to the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy</h2>
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The magical community came up with this law in 1689 in fear of persecution by Muggles, who are notoriously famous for being scared of anything they cannot understand. In this regard, magic meets the criteria right beside math! I bet...all it would take for this 300 plus years old secret to be exposed is a day, give or take a few hours, if we have magical folks in the Maldives.<br />
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Why? Because we're second to none at gossiping.<br />
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That's correct! We love talking about others. It necessarily doesn't even have to be juicy (the juicier the better though). So yeah, we are big on talking and spreading rumors regardless of consequences. If I am to make a guess, I'll say we'll end up using curses to make sure people who rat us out are stopped or at the least, identifiable.<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">better get used to this quickly</span></i></div>
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6. We'll learn about the power of love</h2>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ppNzHu5C8aE/VzBcms2NXpI/AAAAAAAAAqo/NWG6QUdzs3YE2kmWbkkNIABcZbGUUjphQCLcB/s1600/Dumbledore_stupefy.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ppNzHu5C8aE/VzBcms2NXpI/AAAAAAAAAqo/NWG6QUdzs3YE2kmWbkkNIABcZbGUUjphQCLcB/s320/Dumbledore_stupefy.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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For the uninitiated, the above watchful wand wielding warmhearted witty warlock is the Undisputed Flamboyant Wizarding Champion of the World and Defender of Muggles Albus "The Professor" Dumbledore, Headmaster Extraordinaire at Large of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And if there's one thing Professor D. insists, it's that the most powerful of magic is love. While I don't know enough magic to counter his point, it's remarkable that he was able to bring about the very end of the baddest of all wizards: Lord Voldemort.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TrgvRLEnbD8/VzBfG2I08RI/AAAAAAAAAq0/DqAdpVu7h_wRfrAKNmlIaXvZYh-xgeLYgCLcB/s1600/Snape-Last-Words.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TrgvRLEnbD8/VzBfG2I08RI/AAAAAAAAAq0/DqAdpVu7h_wRfrAKNmlIaXvZYh-xgeLYgCLcB/s320/Snape-Last-Words.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">enough power to achieve immortality and voldy was stupid enough to not see this coming back to bite his dark tush??!!</span></i></div>
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In short, Dumbledore emotionally blackmailed Snape, champ of every one in the friend-zone, to turn on the aforementioned Dark Lord and help a tween, aka the fruit of the loins of Snape's sweetheart and his nemesis, complete the job. Not to mention that Dumbledore was...fight the feels...FIGHT THE FEELS!!...when Dumbledore was...was...dead...for a whole year while Harry Potter took the battle to the big V. If that's not powerful magic, I don't know what is.<br />
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7. You can be a complete dick and still be a hero</h2>
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How nice would it be if we could be ourselves and still be a hero? One of our favorite characters from Harry Potter did just that! In short, Severus Snape pissed on Uncle Ben. He not only duped the Dark Lord, but did it while making a life living hell for the hero who was destined to slay him. Every single reader hated Snape with a vengeance until the very last minute, even more than Lord Voldy. I'd say only Dolores Umbridge could trump Snape.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--bpqf94-8vc/VzFh1q2G4HI/AAAAAAAAArQ/AArqsUjwFSAdUA29ZUnnROIEgwvEnIu4QCLcB/s1600/snape-death-mothers-eyes.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="135" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--bpqf94-8vc/VzFh1q2G4HI/AAAAAAAAArQ/AArqsUjwFSAdUA29ZUnnROIEgwvEnIu4QCLcB/s320/snape-death-mothers-eyes.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">...and this is the closest i've gotten to boning her</span></i></div>
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The question is, how is this helpful to us Maldivians? For starters, we wouldn't think twice about befriending an enemy if it would cause the downfall of another. Just look at the alliances in the political arena. Heck, look at your own family for crying out loud. There'll be all those arguments and whatnot, but out of nowhere, everything is forgotten and they suddenly have more affection for each other than Dobby had for mismatched socks!<br />
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To sum up, it seems that living in a magical world would be interesting as hell but at the end of all things, it'll only bring out the best and the worst in us. I guess...on second thought, maybe magic might teach us a thing or two about becoming better people; if only we knew where to look.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iwAV7MNcqrY/VzBg1lQzn4I/AAAAAAAAArA/NO77NTDVR584S7TcBhq9v9gWXtmJDjbwQCLcB/s1600/draco-malfoy-ferret-gif-gregory-goyle-Favim.com-3310796.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iwAV7MNcqrY/VzBg1lQzn4I/AAAAAAAAArA/NO77NTDVR584S7TcBhq9v9gWXtmJDjbwQCLcB/s320/draco-malfoy-ferret-gif-gregory-goyle-Favim.com-3310796.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>until then, have fun hexing each other!</i></span></div>
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Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-20228326638945648332015-12-14T23:09:00.000-08:002016-03-06T23:40:21.791-08:00to kill a cocking roach<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Last night I returned home after a night of wandering in the concrete jungle that is our capital. Tired and sweaty from climbing all the stairs because we don't have a lift even though we live on the millionth floor of a building. Anyway, no sooner had I gone into my room and closed the door, I thought I heard a faint twitch. But the sound of my labored breathing was louder and I paid no heed. I went over to the closet to wear something more comfortable and there was the twitching again! Only this time, I heard it. The twitching continued and it was louder. I didn't need to turn around to know what it was lurking in my room. However, I did turn and there it was: all my fears in the form of cockroach! It was huge! 2 inches and on the wall beating its wing. Mocking me.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AQVNYCRCGB0/Vm-yZaZhW0I/AAAAAAAAAl0/3c8uqVYP5nQ/s1600/CU-cockroach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="134" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AQVNYCRCGB0/Vm-yZaZhW0I/AAAAAAAAAl0/3c8uqVYP5nQ/s320/CU-cockroach.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">ello governer, where's joe?</span></i></span></div>
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Now..if you've known me, you'd know I have a phobia of cockroaches and it's not something I'm ashamed of admitting. Barely thinking, I did what any brave person would do. After all, one is only brave when one is truly afraid. I dashed out of my room! As the door closed behind me, I heard the behemoth of a cockroach, which was the size of a fist, fly onto the adjacent wall. I ran to check the supplies under the sink to check for any weapon I could use against this uninvited guest. If you've watched any horror movie, you'd know what I would find once I opened the sink cabinet: absolutely nothing. We had run out of insecticide! As luck would have it, I found a stain remover and figured it was better than nothing.</div>
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I grabbed a broom with my free hand and went to my room which has become a dungeon of doom where nothing but death awaited. Death for the cockroach..I hoped. I carefully opened the door and the cockroach was flying around the room. Flying from one wall onto the other. As if it could sense the impending battle. I tried to walk to the middle of the room to see if I could get a shot at this pesky roach, but the walls were too faraway as the stain remover had a very short range. I'm pretty sure the roach knew I couldn't kill it without getting close and kept on flying shamelessly over my head but never getting close enough for me to get a clear shot. I did what any sane person would do. I ran out of the room again.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MV9zWoUaUMI/Vm-1ZAWc_KI/AAAAAAAAAmA/_sS-nlGtPHM/s1600/cockroach_by_hokunin-d6foi8v.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MV9zWoUaUMI/Vm-1ZAWc_KI/AAAAAAAAAmA/_sS-nlGtPHM/s320/cockroach_by_hokunin-d6foi8v.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">#@!*$&% again???!!</span></i></div>
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I rechecked all the cabinets in the kitchen to see if I could have missed something. Alas. Luck was not with me this night. I slowly walked to my room and opened the door. And the cockroach, this imbecile of an insect, was on the wall. Watching my every move. It was time for Plan B. I woke up my designated roach killer, The roach killer is normally Plan A but I didn't want to wake the killer. So I made all kinds of noises and cat calls until the roach killer finally awakened. I showed the roach which was now sitting on the wall near the headboard of the bed. The roach killer looked at the cockroach and went back to sleep. Exasperated at how the killer could chose to ignore a cockroach the size of a chicken, I looked up to the heavens and the cockroach was there too! I ran out of the room again and I looked into the next room. I saw a faint light. Could it be? Hope?</div>
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I peered inside and I saw my brother in law, probably conversing with his better half on his handheld telephone via text messaging. The following conversation took place between us -</div>
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Me: Hello.</div>
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Bil: Hey bro!</div>
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Me: It's me from the other room.</div>
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Bil: What's up?</div>
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Me: I was wondering if you were free to kill a roach for me</div>
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Bil: Where's the roach killer?</div>
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Me: I must have called a thousand times.</div>
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Bil: OK Bro! Let me help you.</div>
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So together, we went back into my room and I told him the only way to kill the enemy, a giant cockroach the size of a small goat, which was dancing in my room: knock it down and drown it in stain remover. Knock and spray! We repeated. Knock and spray! I slowly backed towards the door and watched. Nervous, I watched Bil face the cockroach. Prepared to abandon ship and runaway should things take a turn for the worse.</div>
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Bil tried to hit it and missed! The cockroach was fast! He tried again. Missed again. The third time Bil changed tactic and tried to whack the roach like a baseball, because who could miss hitting a flying cockroach the size of a grown man? Alas! Bil was too slow for the cockroach evaded the attack again. But then, something the cockroach did not intend happened.</div>
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It flew into the fan and there, on the sharp blades of my KDK ceiling fan, met its doom. The blade cut the cockroach cleanly in half. I ran to the center of the room and there it was.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CbwFLzRw8_A/Vm-3w4iLSYI/AAAAAAAAAmQ/OJf23HFJZHM/s1600/Ants_feeding_on_cockroach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CbwFLzRw8_A/Vm-3w4iLSYI/AAAAAAAAAmQ/OJf23HFJZHM/s320/Ants_feeding_on_cockroach.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">not so mighty now, eh??</span></i></div>
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One half of it was near the bed. I thanked Bil and bade him farewell and went to search for the other half of the roach. I walked along the wall and found the remaining half. One of its legs was moving still. How scary to be cut in half and still be alive! I took the broom and bravely swept the cockroach away. And just like that, my room was free again, all thanks to my ceiling fan and my brave Bil.</div>
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Please go to Sun Front (majeedhee magu) and buy a fan if you're afraid of cockroaches like me and want to do all you can to defend against cockroaches. I have the larger model. Costs around 900 Rufiyaa. You can thank me by passing this message.</div>
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Until next time. Adios...</div>
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useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-69035348275182940752015-11-22T00:53:00.001-08:002015-11-22T00:53:42.947-08:00mysterious virus plagues the nation of maldives<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
MALE' CITY, Maldives -- The World Health Organization (WHO) has been on continued alert to monitor spontaneous outbreaks of dangerous diseases in different parts (read: third world countries) of the globe following the latest outbreak of Ebola earlier this year. It seems like WHO's perseverance in monitoring these risks has finally paid off. The organization released a statement late last night as a mysterious disease has been discovered in the Maldives. This grave news was followed by the alarming news as scientists disclosed that this disease has been endemic to Maldives for centuries. Despite the suddenness and mystery that surrounds the discovery, what baffled the medical community the most has been the peculiar effects of this menacing disease: impregnating women!<br />
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Authorities have not yet named the disease, but the pathogen responsible for this life altering condition has been identified and labeled as the Human Gravidaphage Virus (HGV). The name Gravidaphage comes from the Latin word 'gravido' meaning impregnate and the Greek word 'phagous' meaning devouring. WHO informed they decided to name the virus as a -phage because the disease ends up 'eating the life away' of the patient.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fTMd4XJvlRc/Vk1kpiHQsTI/AAAAAAAAAlA/VJ6FFHGdEXk/s1600/sperm_1790713c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fTMd4XJvlRc/Vk1kpiHQsTI/AAAAAAAAAlA/VJ6FFHGdEXk/s320/sperm_1790713c.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>an electronic microscopic photo shows a group of HGV attacking the ovum of a female patient</i></span></div>
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Scientists and doctors from renown medical universities and hospitals flocked to the Maldives to study the effects of the virus. Dr. Ahmed, the resident gynecologist cum urologist at the biggest private hospital in the Maldives met with reporters on behalf of the investigating team of experts and explained their findings to this point.<br />
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"Our observations indicate it's possible that HGV is a gender-based virus as all HGV positive patients have been females thus far. Also...There hasn't been any reports of transmission between humans yet." Dr. Ahmed also explained that the team will conduct tests to observe how the virus affects a male mouse. "We are already working on finding a vaccine, but at the same time, we are trying to identify the chances and prepare for a cross-gender jump to males. And should that happen, take possible precautions."<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--PmBDbdB-uI/Vk9IJ-z_T_I/AAAAAAAAAlg/NnfYe4mFY2Y/s1600/sperm_race-1024x768.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--PmBDbdB-uI/Vk9IJ-z_T_I/AAAAAAAAAlg/NnfYe4mFY2Y/s320/sperm_race-1024x768.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i style="font-size: small;">HGV has been found to be aggressive even when dormant</i></div>
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"What we have is a very unique pathogen. While we are unable to tell the exact origin of the virus or how it originated in Maldives, our team finds it amazing that the virus keeps on attacking until the ovum or more commonly known as the egg, becomes fertilized." Dr. Ahmed explained. Everyone who contracted the virus has thus far been unable to completely get rid of the virus. "In effect, you can say that a single virus is able to make a woman pregnant but we don't know how many times it could potentially occur as the virus tends to become dormant for periods." Records show that a patient could be found positive for HGV, get pregnant, and give birth, but get pregnant again years later. Numbers show that some patients went through as many as 3 of these dormant-active cycles. He further revealed that the dormant and active period of the virus was completely random.<br />
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No one has yet been able to identify how all these women contracted the virus in the first place. It's one aspect of the investigation that the doctors and scientists have differing opinions. Dr. Yoosef, an astronomer, believes that the virus is transmitted through an animal. "This virus has been in this country for long. We cannot tell anything for sure without knowing who was patient zero. However, I believe it is a vector borne virus. There just isn't any other way for the virus to be endemic to the Maldives for centuries. The only possible explanation is that an animal that is only found in the Maldives is a host of the HGV."<br />
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Dr. Ahmed, on the other hand, opposes the hypothesis. "I'm not saying that he is wrong. It's possible that he's right too, but he's just an astronomer. What did he do to come to that conclusion? Consult the stars? I think we need the medical experts to handle this."<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DX_EelrMelI/Vk1kqU7U4kI/AAAAAAAAAlU/YW3IutzfY84/s1600/Sperm%2Bcopy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="186" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DX_EelrMelI/Vk1kqU7U4kI/AAAAAAAAAlU/YW3IutzfY84/s320/Sperm%2Bcopy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">a close-up of the human g<span style="text-align: left;">ravidaphage virus during the active period (photo credits: Tylon - ZBrushCentral)</span></span></i></div>
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While it's obvious that this newly discovered virus will cause clashes in academia, everyone needs to work together as the virus has a tendency to cause false positives. That is, someone could actually just be pregnant and not HGV positive. "The problem is that pregnant women and HGV positive women show the same symptoms." Dr. Ahmed told reporters. "Once we discovered the virus, we almost had a nationwide panic as every pregnant woman in the country could possibly be carrying HGV."<br />
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Authorities and everyone concerned are working on a possible procedure to correctly identify HGV positive patients. "We know the theory behind all this," a very convinced Dr. Yoosef told reporters after the news conference. "Hypothetically speaking..if you were a woman and you happen to be pregnant, what could you ask yourself? Who the father is, no? All we need to do is build a device that would enable us to test the validity of your claim. We just need a way to test the DNA of the embryo and compare whether it matches the man who you claim is the father. I'm sure we can build this device within 4 to 5 years if we all work together."<br />
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Even Dr. Ahmed agrees to the idea as long as the virus doesn't start affecting males. "I'm afraid I have to agree with Dr. Yoosef as long as the patients aren't males. However, I would consider the fact that with the exception of a few outliers...all HGV positive patients have not been married at the time of contraction of the virus. If we use that as a start, we could start eliminating false positives within weeks with 90% accuracy!"<br />
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While Maldives, and the world, faces an uncertain future, the biggest advantage we have over the Human Gravidaphage Virus is that it has been contained in the Maldives all these years. Only time will tell how things turn out.<br />
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Until next time. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-22752053769313524922015-11-08T01:51:00.003-08:002015-11-08T02:34:48.482-08:00man's life is ruined after ex leaks nudes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Ahmed started his day like any other day. He got out of bed after hitting the snooze button for the third or fourth time. He managed to go through the three s's; shit, shave, and shower, without much of a hassle despite being half awake. But alas, the day was not meant to be normal by any means. By the time Ahmed reached his office, the life of this 21-year old aspiring writer had turned upside down.<br />
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Turns out his girlfriend has leaked nude pictures of him after a messy break up. It all started with a frantic call from his aging mother. The first words out of her mouth were words of condemnation and shame. Ahmed couldn't even catch the slur of words his mother threw at him. What he did manage to catch was about the shame he has brought his family and the statement that Ahmed was no longer his mother's child.<br />
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Now, this was right before he left for work on his cycle. He bought it on an installment scheme and he still had 11 months left on his payment. By the time Ahmed reached office, he had received more than 50 notifications. You see, not only did his ex leak Ahmed's picture. She took the time to tag him on Facebook and Twitter. She also wrote down his contact details. When he checked Facebook, he saw all kinds of comments from females who saw his picture. They were commenting on his body and his private organs. A few of the comments though, were shaming him. And calling him a show off and a slut for taking nude pictures. Ahmed had also received no less than 25 friend requests in a matter of minutes. They were all from females, no doubt looking for an easy lay.<br />
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Ahmed never stopped to second guess going to work amidst the ensuing chaos. He couldn't afford to lose his jobs to make his loan payments. Without thinking, he entered his office. Ahmed came face to face with his boss, Mrs. Aishath, who immediately called him to her office. The last thing Ahmed saw before he entered Aishath's office was his colleagues whispering and giggling.<br />
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Once inside, Aishath explained the company policy to Ahmed. She explained that once the case of his nude photos come into light, the company would have no choice but to let him go and forfeit his pension and all. However, Aishath said that Ahmed could get some compensation for services rendered if he resigned on his own. Ahmed tried to plead his case. He tried to explain that he sent the picture while they were dating and that his ex promised to delete the picture after looking at it. Ahmed also tried to state that he hasn't even being found guilty by the authorities. Aishath said there was nothing she could do, but she hesitated as if having second thoughts, and asked Ahmed to meet her at her apartment when her husband wasn't around. Aishath made it clear that it wasn't a promise but that she would do everything to make sure Ahmed kept his job. Of course, provided that Ahmed cooperated with her.<br />
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Having reluctantly agreed to meet his boss later that day, Ahmed walked over to his cubicle. Head down. Ahmed sat down and let everything that had happened in the last hour or so sink in. His world has come apart. He will need to work hard to get out of this mess.<br />
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Ahmed's thoughts were interrupted by a notification on the computer in front of him. He had an email. It was from one of his female colleagues. He opened the attachment in the email. The subject said "what's your rate?" and the image that opened on the screen would later make him puke.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6kX0nRACg9I/VhDBYoWLKGI/AAAAAAAAAkw/xWf9IOq9JO0/s1600/Paul-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6kX0nRACg9I/VhDBYoWLKGI/AAAAAAAAAkw/xWf9IOq9JO0/s320/Paul-1.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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It was the first ever picture he had sent. Ahmed wished it was the only one he did. But he had loved and trusted his girlfriend blindly and sent her all kinds of scandalous pictures. After a few minutes, Ahmed logged onto Facebook again. The number of friend requests were increasing and he had more messages from strange women than he would care to count. However, one of the messages caught his attention. It was from a girl who just shared a link.<br />
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Dreading what he would find, Ahmed clicked it. It took him to one of the infamous Maldivian groups on Facebook that posted nude pictures of guys. In this group, all the girls would call them sluts while secretly trying to get into the guy's pants, and continue to publicly shame their indecency. Sometimes they would even share contact details. Ahmed saw a plethora of his photos plastered across the page. Each picture was accompanied by a variety of filthy comments.<br />
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Despite the nature of the comments, Ahmed was a bit happy to see some people took his side and tried to explain Ahmed was a victim. But these comments were few and most of them were crowded out by comments from people saying that Ahmed shouldn't have shared his pictures in the first place and that the purpose of shaming Ahmed was to make sure he wouldn't do it again. The girl who was the admin of this group had written a message to Ahmed as well: "We will remove your pictures once you apologize to us in public for sending nude pictures. What you did was forbidden in Islam and this is your punishment. Apologize to us and we will remove your pictures!"<br />
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Ahmed knew he had no choice in this matter and he started to slowly type the apology requested by the group. The non-stop notifications from his phone and his email accompanied the sound of the key strokes on the keyboard. It made a catchy tune but it was a sad one. For Ahmed, it was a song about changing his life and changing the way he dressed. It was a song about moving onto a different island to get away from all the lust-filled eyes of every woman who has seen Ahmed's pictures. And while he was still typing, his boss messaged him, "Come over to my place, I'm waiting for you."<br />
<br />
"This happened to me," said no guy ever.<br />
Until next time. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-86355971078498678202015-09-29T22:51:00.000-07:002015-09-29T22:51:23.397-07:00އެޕާރޓްމަންޓެއް ވިއްކާނެއްބާ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: large;">ނޯޓް: މިލިޔުމުގައި ސިފަކޮށްދީފައިވާ މަންޒަރުތަކާއި ވާހަކަތަކަކީ ޙަޤީޤި ހާދިސާތަކެއްގެ މައްޗަށް ބިނާކޮށް، ފޮނިތޮށްޓާއި ކާފޫރުތޮޅި އަޅައިގެން، ގެނެސްދީފައިވާ މަންޒަރުތަކާއި ވާހަކަތަކެކެވެ.</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u7YiFNbsl6s/VfanMAg26GI/AAAAAAAAAkQ/_LdwYKiCN0k/s1600/42811313.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u7YiFNbsl6s/VfanMAg26GI/AAAAAAAAAkQ/_LdwYKiCN0k/s320/42811313.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<u>(ފޯނުން)</u></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ..........</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އައްސަލާމް ޢަލައިކުމް</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: .........</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: ހަލޯ!! ހަލޯ!! އަޑުއިވޭތަ؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: (ރުންކުރު ފާޑަކަށް) އާނ. ކިހިނެތްވީ؟</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އަޅުގަނޑު މިގުޅާލީ އައިބޭގައި ކުއްޔަށްދޭން އެޕާރޓްމަންޓެއް ޖަހާފަ އޮތީމަ އެތަން ބަލާލަންވެގެން</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: މިރޭ އަށެއް ޖަހާއިރު އޮލިމްޕަސް ކުރިމައްޗަށް އާދޭ</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އެންމެ ރަގަޅު. ޝުކުރި...</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: (ފޯނު ބާއްވައިފި)</div>
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<u>ރޭގަނޑު</u></div>
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<u>(ފޯނުން)</u></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާނ. ކީކޭ؟</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: ހަލޯ</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކާކު ތީ؟</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: މިއަދު ހެނދުނު ގުޅީމެއްނު އަޅުގަނޑު. އެޕާރޓްމަންޓް ބަލަންވެގެން. އޮލިމްޕަސް ކައިރިއަށް އައިސް</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: މިހާރު ބޭރުގަ. އަހަރެން އިރުކޮޅަކުން ގުޅާނަން</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އާނ އޯކޭ</span></div>
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<u>ޖެހިގެން އައި ދުވަހު ހެދުނު</u></div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: ހަލޯ! ރޭގަ ކިހިނެއް ހެދީ؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކީކޭ؟ ތީ ކީއްކުރާމީހެއް؟</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އެޕާރޓްމަންޓް ކުއްޔަށްހިފަން. ރޭ ގުޅާނަމޭ ބުނީމެއްނު</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެތަން މިހާރަކު ނެތް</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އެއީ ކީއްވެތޯ؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެހެންމީހަކަށް ކުއްޔަށްދީފިން</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އައްދޭ! ތީދެން ވަރަށް ހެއްވާގޮތެއް. ދެން ނެތްތަ ކުއްޔަށް ދޭ ތަނެއް؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާން ނެތް. (ފޯނު ބާއްވައިފި)</div>
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<u>އިރުކޮޅެއްފަހުން</u></div>
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<u>(ފޯނުން)</u></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ހަލޯ!</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;"><span style="font-size: medium;">އަހަރެން: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hello. I saw your ad on iBay</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hello hello. Yes it's available. I have many places for rent</span></div>
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<span style="color: cyan;"><span style="font-size: medium;">އަހަރެން: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">ގޭގެވެރިފަރާތް: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Very cheap price. I give you discount for furniture too</span></div>
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<span style="color: cyan;"><span style="font-size: medium;">އަހަރެން: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's great! Tell me a good time to go check the place</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You tell time. I pick you on my cycle</span></div>
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<span style="color: cyan;"><span style="font-size: medium;">އަހަރެން: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let's go now. I am near Olympus</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Good. I go now</span></div>
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<span style="color: cyan;"><span style="font-size: medium;">އަހަރެން: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Awesome! Thank you</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No no no. Thank you very much</span></div>
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<u>އޮލިމްޕަސް ކައިރިން</u></div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: (ސަލާމް ކޮށްލަން އަތްދިއްކޮށްލަމުން) ކޮބާ ކިހިނެތްތޯ؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އޭނ؟؟ ތީކާކު؟</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އިއްޔެ ގުޅިމެންނުންތޯ އެޕާރޓްމަންޓް ކުއްޔަށްހިފަން</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެހެންތަ؟</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އާނ. ކޮބާ ނެތްތަތަނެއް މިހާރު؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާނ. ނެތް ހަމަ. ވަރަށް ތާށި ތަންތަން.</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އެކަމު ދެންމެ އަހަރެން ގުޅީމަ ތިބޭފުޅާ ބުނި އެބަހުއްޓޭ. އެތަން ދައްކަން އެމީހާ ބަލައެއްނު ތިޔައީ އަސްލު</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކަލޭތަ ވާހަކަ ދެއްކީ އިނގިރޭސިބަހުން؟</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އާނ. ތިބޭފުޅާ އަޅުގަނޑަށް ދޮގުހެދީނު</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަހަރެން ދެނީ ހަމައެކަނި ބޭރުމީހުންނަށް</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އަހަރެންވެސް ހަމަ އެވަރަށް ކުލި ދައްކަފާނަމޭ</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: (އިރުކޮޅަކު ވިސްނަންހުރެފަ) ކުއްޔަށްދޭ އެޕާރޓްމަންޓަކީ ތިންސަތޭކަ އަކަފޫޓުގެ ތަނެއް.</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: ސިޓިންގ ރޫމެއް ހުރޭތަ؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަސްލު މިއީ ކޮޓަރިއެއް. ކޮޓަރީގެ އެއްކޮޅުގަ ކައްކާ ކެވޭގޮތަށް ހަދާފަ ހުންނާނީ. ބޭނުމިއްޔާ ސޯފާ ބަހައްޓަންވީ</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: ފާހަނަޔޯ؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ފާހާނަ ހުންނާނީ ބޭރުގަ. އެއީ ޖެހިގެން ހުރި އެޕާރޓްމަންޓްގެ މީހުންވެސް ބޭނުންކުރާ ފާހާނާ</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އެހެންދޯ؟ ކިތައްވަނަ ބުރި؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: 6 ވަނަ ބުރި. ލިފެޓެއްނުހުރޭ</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: ހމމ...ކުައްޔަކީ..</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކުއްޔަކީ މަހަކަށް އެންމެ 5000 ރުފިޔާ. އެޑްވާންސްއަކީ 480000 ރުފިޔާ</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: 480000 ރުފިޔާ!!</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަސްލު ވާގޮތަކީ އެޕާރޓްމަންޓުގެ އަސްލު ކުއްޔަކީ 13000. ދެން އަހަރެން މަހަކު 5000 އަށް ހަދާފަ ބާކީ 8000 ފަސް އަހަރަށް ބަހާފަ މިނަގަނީ އެޑްވާންސަށް.</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އޯކޭ</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކަލޭ ފަރުނީޗަރު ބޭނުންތަ؟</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އޭރުން ކުއްޔަކީ ކޮބާ؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ފުލީ ފާނިޝްކޮށްފަވިއްޔާ 20000 ރުފިޔާ. އެޑްވާންސް ހަމަ ކުރިޔެކޭ އެއްގޮތަށް 480000</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: މައްސަލައެއް ނެތް</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެތަން ބޭނުމިއްޔާ އަހަރެން އެޑްވާންސް ލާރި ބޭނުންވާނެ މިހަފްތާނގަ. ތަން ލިބޭނީ ތިން މަސް ފަހުން</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: ކީކޭ؟؟!</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާނ. އެތަން ހުސްވާނީ ތިން މަސް ފަހުން. ދެން ކަލޭ ބޭނުމިއްޔާ ތަން ރެނޮވޭޓް ކުރަންވީ</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އޭރުން ކުލިން އެހެންނޫނީ އެޑްވާންސް އިން ކަނޑާނަންތަ؟</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ނޫން. ރެނޮވޭޝަނަށްދާ ފައިސާ ކަލެޔަށް އަނބުރާ ދޭނަން ކުށްޔަށްދޭ މުއްދަތު ހަމަވީމަ.</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: ތިކަމާ ކުޑަކޮށް ވިސްނާލަންޖެހޭނީ</span></div>
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަވަހަށް ވިސްނާ. އެހެންމީހަކުވެސް އެބަހުރި މިތަން ބޭނުންވާ. އޭނާ އެބަ ބުނޭ އެއްފަހަރާ ފަސް ލައްކަވެސް ދީފާނަމޭ. އެކަމު އެއީ ދެން ރާއްޖެތެރޭ ބޮޑު އާއިލާއެއް. މުޅި ގެ ހީވާނީ ގޮޑެއްހެން އެމީހުން އައިސް.</div>
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<span style="color: cyan;">އަހަރެން: އެހެންވީމާ އެގްރީމެންޓްގަ ސޮއިކުރަން ވީމަ ގުޅާ</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<u>ދެ ދުވަސް ފަސް</u></div>
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<br /></div>
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<u>(ފޯނުން)</u><br />
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ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އޭ. މިހާރު އެބަހުރި އެއްފަހަރާ 9 ލައްކަ ދީފަ އެތަން 10 އަހަރަށް ނަގަން ބޭނުންވާ މީހެއް. ކަލޭ އަދިވެސް އެތަން ބޭނުންތަ؟</div>
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useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-34767111583168032192015-06-30T00:18:00.001-07:002015-06-30T00:18:34.439-07:00things i learned going through the education system in the maldives<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
According to Nelson Mandela, education is the greatest weapon with which to change the world. So now that I have gone through some stages of education, I want to take the time to pause and reflect on how well I have been prepared to become the stallion that mounts the world. For all intent and purposes, I'll be focusing on my time going through the education system in the Maldives.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tI7LMLhHMAs/VW_yv7aLaVI/AAAAAAAAAi4/aFMIvQX5my4/s1600/122319-cute-cats-and-kittens.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tI7LMLhHMAs/VW_yv7aLaVI/AAAAAAAAAi4/aFMIvQX5my4/s320/122319-cute-cats-and-kittens.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>okay..maybe I'm not a stallion yet</i></span></div>
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1. Fear of being wrong<br />
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It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that we go to school to do something I would like to call learn. So there I was. It was the first week of grade 1 and we were going through a lesson. We were doing a mini reading comprehension and the teacher asked the class what the girl in the passage we were reading about wrote in her note book. I already read the lesson the night before so I thought I knew the answer. My hand shot up and I told the teacher what I thought was the correct answer. Apparently it wasn't. The teacher got angry at me and scolded me: "Why are you lying?!!!" I was young but I knew it was a genuine mistake and the fact that she chose to tell me I was lying rather than my answer was wrong bordered on insanity. This wasn't a one time incident but in short, it's fair to say the whole education system is build on right answers vs wrong answers. It wasn't until I started grade 9 physics that I learned from my tuition teacher that right or wrong answers didn't matter as much as using the correct methodology.<br />
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2. Discrimination<br />
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I was in grade 4. We had a girl in our class who had very dark skin, and because we were all brought up in society to be generous assholes when it came to skin color, we avoided her. I'm not saying we were taught that being dark was bad. We were taught that being fair was beautiful and into our young and innocent minds, it translated as: dark = yucky. The teacher didn't help either. If one of us boys were being too loud in the class, we had to sit down next to her. Needless to say that I spent a good amount of the academic year seated next to her as punishment and I hated the girl for that. Furthermore, discrimination wasn't just limited to skin color. If we had a kid from a rich family or a noble (read: <i>beyfulhu</i>) family, they get special treatment from the teacher and this irresponsible behavior from teachers and the school staff was very much out in the open.<br />
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3. Looking after yourself<br />
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When I was in grade 5 I had my first foreign teacher and boy was he scary! He was rather unorthodox compared to the teachers I had before. For example, he was the only teacher I met who punished a student and then later took them aside to ask them how they were doing. He had one interesting pet peeve. We went to school in the morning and all the desks and chairs were always dusty as hell. Not to mention the students from the afternoon session rearranged the desks everyday to their teacher's preference. Hence, every morning at 6, four of us had to go to clean the classroom and rearrange the desks. We did that for the whole year. It was an interesting and a completely new experience to clean the classroom because we were used to our classrooms being cleaned and arranged by the time we already came to class.<br />
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4. You feel like you're studying for the sake of studying<br />
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The biggest complain I had during my secondary education was studying things that I felt were useless in the real world. Especially when studying mathematics. I remember one day, my math teacher was teaching us matrices and I asked what a matrix was used for. What did the teacher say? "You'll learn it later." And this was the answer I got every time I asked any teacher about the purpose of a certain lesson. One time, in a calculus class, we challenged the teacher why using imaginary numbers worked. This time the teacher gave even a better answer than my previous teachers. "Sometimes you'll have to trust me and believe things because I said so." Yup! We weren't taught to think. We were indoctrinated to do things just because we were told to do so. However, I did manage to find out the use of matrices when I took 3D graphics in college. (TL; DR: Computers used matrices to do computations on its graphics cards.) I still can't believe why my math teacher couldn't tell me that.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>ahem....I also learned where babies came from :-)</i></span></div>
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5. Unfair punishment/treatment<br />
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If you're reading this I'll assume you've gone to some form of school and have been punished. The thing about getting punished in my experience is that it's never fair. How unfair? This one time I was in class when someone threw an egg on to the ceiling. The egg came from outside and I was busy talking to a friend when it happened. Being the good Samaritans that we were, we went to the school office and reported it. Next thing we know, we had to return to school office after school and the two deputy/assistant principals at the time "Nafa" Naseem and "Gahaa" Saeed made us kneel down on the ground and write what happened. I told a nearby supervisor that we were the people who reported what happened. Then Mr. Naseem, who everyone at school hated for being a glorious stinky piece of shit-filled asshole, told us that he wants to show us who's boss, and that's saying it very eloquently (<i>miadhu beynumee kaleymennah hey aruvaalan</i>). Another incident that I'll never forget is from when I was in grade 1. We had a kid who was considered a little crazy (See? we discriminated even then. Looking back I'm sure the kid was normal cos he grew up to be a fine intelligent man) and one day he was chasing this girl with a broom. Everyone in the class were assigned to groups and I was the group leader to which she belonged. I don't know what I was thinking but I tried to stop the kid and somehow we ended up sandwiching the girl between us and she got hit with the broom. Needless to say she started crying and Lo and behold! A supervisor showed up. He asked the class what happened and everyone pointed at me. I explained what happened down to every detail and the supervisor scolded me and I'm pretty sure he made me stand still at my desk. One silver lining from this whole thing: I learned at a younger age that life wasn't going to be fair to me and I managed to learn to live around the system.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>punish me if you must. cos I can take it.</i></span></div>
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6. Always carry a pen with you if meeting someone important<br />
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I just finished grade 10 and I went back to get recommendation from the school principal to get into grade 11. I was in the principal's office to get the report from him and he showed me that there was a portion on the form where I forgot to fill. I asked him to borrow a pen and he said, "No". I was startled and not sure I heard him correctly, I asked him if he wasn't going to lend me a pen. He said he wouldn't and he said it with a smile. I muttered a curse under my breath and went to find a pen from elsewhere. I later met with a classmate and shared what happened at the principal's office. My classmate laughed and told me that he had the same experience and that the principal told him that he should always carry a pen when going to meetings. In the spirit of full disclosure, I didn't fully learn this lesson until I finished college.<br />
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7. I only started learning when I began to enjoy studying<br />
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Now in grade 11 and till then, English was my weakest subject. I even straight up failed English in my O Level exams. Anyway, I had this wonderful teacher in Grade 11. She made us write what we wanted and let us enjoy the process. She told us what we were doing wrong while doing exercises and the best part of it all: she didn't throw a fit when we got a little late to class or if we missed a class. She did get angry and scolded us but she didn't kick us out of the class as per school regulations in case we were late. I must say I learned more about English (and teaching) from her than from my 10 years of education up to that point. In addition, she gave me confidence that I can do well in English. In short, it was a blast!<br />
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So there you have it. If you're an educator you may not agree with everything I said. I don't blame you. I'm still grateful to all my teachers and I can't thank them enough because they did, whether I like it or not, make me who I am today.<br />
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Until next time. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-27383346110208447472015-01-28T21:38:00.002-08:002015-05-31T21:14:30.716-07:00a letter of apology to mohamed ibthihaal<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
(Author's note: If you haven't heard about the incident please have a look <a href="http://minivannews.com/crime-2/body-of-abused-child-found-in-vaavu-rakeendhoo-92425" target="_blank">here</a>)<br />
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Dear Mohamed Ibthihaal,<br />
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It is with great regret I inform you that we have failed you as a society. We're deeply saddened by the brutal incident and would like to point out the deepest disappointment in our own selves at the time of this heartbreaking murder. Please do not despair or think your death went unnoticed, because the nation collectively condemns, in the harshest of words, your inhumane death.<br />
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Ibthihaal. I'm sorry your picture is plastered on every newspaper and every news outlet today so that we can all feel good by feeling bad about our own negligence. Only through such sensationalisation are we able to keep our focus on a single event. Having said that, I'm sorry that we would soon forget you and your death would just be a number in the myriads of manslaughters in this nation.<br />
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I'm sorry, Ibthihaal, that we as a society do not concern ourselves with the wellbeing of others. It's not like we knew your mother was abusing you for the past 3 years. I'm sorry, but, as a society, we don't look at children born out of wedlock as part of the community. I'm sorry that we look at such children as a bad omen and would like to keep our own safe from you. As such, we chose to ignore you because you didn't really belong to our close-knit family in the island. I'm sorry that we punish children for the sins of their parents. I'm sorry that we see you for nothing less than the sinful spawn of two adulterers. On that note, I'm also sorry that we could not identify who your father was. I'm sorry we live in a system where only his confession would have confirmed him your father as four grown men didn't see him fornicate with your mother, whose word, by the way, holds no meaning in court.<br />
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Ibthihaal, you don't know me but I'm sorry, because even if we cared, we live in a system that does not allow preemptive action. I'm sorry we live in a society that's content with letting child abusers and pedophiles walk free because, one: it's not our child and two: we don't have evidence. We are sorry but please understand that we can't really take the words of a child against an adult, and in some cases, their blood relatives. Sometimes, even their own parents. I'm sorry you didn't grow up to be an adult, because if so, you would be able to have solace in the fact that there are many others like you who grew up bruised, battered, and molested. Because, by then, you would realize, and I am very embarrassed to say this, that you weren't the first child we failed.<br />
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I'm sorry that everyone of us will use your image and your story to further our agenda. I'm sorry that even though we will likely find people who were accomplices to your murder through negligence, we will not address the root cause of this issue. I'm sorry that none of the policy makers, the grassroots, or even taxpayers would find the need to address such issues during political debates, unless it has something to do with overthrowing the person in power. However, it is with great pleasure I inform you, that we will find a scapegoat for your death and we will punish all parties involved directly. Then, I'm afraid and I'm really sorry to say this, we will sweep this issue under the rug.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cjTzxrIFlFE/VMnCZFo_DxI/AAAAAAAAAgA/4dgOATLlrwg/s1600/finger%2Bsalute.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="205" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cjTzxrIFlFE/VMnCZFo_DxI/AAAAAAAAAgA/4dgOATLlrwg/s1600/finger%2Bsalute.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">i'm sorry that even though we feel sad, we'll forget everything about you very soon</span></i></div>
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I'm sorry...I'm sorry you didn't grow up to enjoy life to the fullest. Please be rest assured that you did indeed have a wonderful future ahead of you such as education, sports, friends, and most importantly, a life. I'm sorry we failed in our duties but we hope you understand and forgive us because we had bigger issues at hand. One as young as you wouldn't understand the consequences of music shows, political rivalries, or the importance of promoting xenophobia even at the cost of overlooking the current cancers in our society. I'm sorry we were too busy swimming in our own pile of hypocrisy and I'm sorry the only solace our religious clerics could offer you is the dangers of fornication to a society.<br />
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Mohamed Ibthihaal, I sincerely hope that you accept our deepest apologies because your death would be in vain and we would do nothing besides angry/sad posts on social media or pass pictures of you around and, as I noted earlier, feel good by feeling bad about you.<br />
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I'm sorry.<br />
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Very Respectfully,<br />
<br />
The Republic of Maldives</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-52353186380290252592014-09-09T23:42:00.000-07:002014-09-10T00:39:57.254-07:00if maldivian institutions were honest<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
DISCLAIMER: Please excuse my photo editing skills. I used Powerpoint (read: Excel) to make these images. For a better view, just click on the first picture and you can go through the pictures as a slideshow.<br />
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The following post is rated 'H' for Honest!<br />
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#1<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U1tOQeo3dnk/VA_vviIYEDI/AAAAAAAAAfs/h64xkGpXhbM/s1600/Dhiraagu%2BP.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U1tOQeo3dnk/VA_vviIYEDI/AAAAAAAAAfs/h64xkGpXhbM/s1600/Dhiraagu%2BP.png" height="152" width="320" /></a></div>
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#2<br />
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#3<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X15XYrYYN2k/VA_vY9rW0FI/AAAAAAAAAfM/sL-9Rz2fR_k/s1600/MIRA%2BP.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X15XYrYYN2k/VA_vY9rW0FI/AAAAAAAAAfM/sL-9Rz2fR_k/s1600/MIRA%2BP.png" height="172" width="320" /></a></div>
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#4<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ntfQ5Dm4FlE/VA_vr9YJiLI/AAAAAAAAAfk/Cz_zOosNJuU/s1600/Reefside%2BP.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ntfQ5Dm4FlE/VA_vr9YJiLI/AAAAAAAAAfk/Cz_zOosNJuU/s1600/Reefside%2BP.png" height="120" width="320" /></a></div>
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#5<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NV6065W3-RA/VA_voznfUzI/AAAAAAAAAfc/nUfL1JerHuo/s1600/haveeru%2BP.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NV6065W3-RA/VA_voznfUzI/AAAAAAAAAfc/nUfL1JerHuo/s1600/haveeru%2BP.png" height="76" width="320" /></a></div>
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#6<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--HdmaLDlL2I/VA_u_F09cWI/AAAAAAAAAe8/T0nDqvxbn3Q/s1600/BML%2B%2BP.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--HdmaLDlL2I/VA_u_F09cWI/AAAAAAAAAe8/T0nDqvxbn3Q/s1600/BML%2B%2BP.png" height="146" width="320" /></a></div>
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Can you think of anymore? Let me know in the comments. Until next time. Adios...</div>
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useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-90445523917325934162014-08-27T21:29:00.000-07:002014-08-27T21:29:29.764-07:00family disowns firstborn for freethinking<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
RADAVAN CITY, Maldives -- In what is otherwise a peaceful neighborhood in the capital of the Maldives, a local household has been shattered to its very core in a baffling turn of events after Ahmed (not his real name), the firstborn of his family, was disowned for, what some are calling, freethinking. Entering the fourth day since the staggering revelation, journalists are still unclear as to the exact nature of the catalytic event. Reporters in the capital have identified questioning authority of parents as the root cause of this incident. Neighbors wait anxiously with fear that other firstborns who live along the cramped streets of Radavan City might join freethinking as well, resulting in multiple disownments.<br />
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The authorities have thus far been reluctant to disclose the details as they do not want to publicly acknowledge the action and give legitimacy to disownment. Despite the secrecy, reporters were able to get a hold of the mother. Khadheeja (not her real name), a distraught woman of forty-three (not her real age), told reporters that her first born refused to eat vegetables at dinner.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z5moqKX_9G4/U_2B5s8zcOI/AAAAAAAAAeQ/txce6zNCYVU/s1600/angry-baby-mdn.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z5moqKX_9G4/U_2B5s8zcOI/AAAAAAAAAeQ/txce6zNCYVU/s1600/angry-baby-mdn.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>a baby refuses to eat (file photo)</i></span></div>
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A police officer, on condition of complete anonymity, told reporters that they were able to formulate a much complicated timeline of the event. It seems Ahmed sat down to eat at 8:25 pm and the vegetables in question were placed on the dinner table at exactly 8:29 pm local time, upon which Ahmed refused. Ahmed refused to eat the vegetables upon continuous insistence by his mom and dad, telling them that the food was, in his own words, 'ewwwww'.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8BckUNrKstM/U_2_PJ796eI/AAAAAAAAAes/32saWLjYxnM/s1600/stewart-thinking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8BckUNrKstM/U_2_PJ796eI/AAAAAAAAAes/32saWLjYxnM/s1600/stewart-thinking.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">i can think of a few things that are ewwwer than that</span></i></div>
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"We know he is grownup and all, but he should not question us. We are his parents for God's sake!" Ahmed's father, Ali (not his real name), told reporters. "We have been very accepting of his ways. We let him grow his hair and get piercings on his ears and body." His father shared with the reporters.<br />
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"Why...we even accommodate his rowdy friends. And they drink under our own roof and smoke God knows what!" Ahmed's mother chimed in. "This one time he came home after 2 am, barely able to stand. His clothes were covered in blood and he had a knife in his hand. We...we didn't ask any questions. And now he questions our authority? Just like that?? What more could he ask for???!!"<br />
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"And did we tell you we provide for him since he doesn't even have a job? We are paying for his motorbike and his coffees and trips. We provide for our own child. We give him all the money he needs. We are damn good parents. He's left wanting for nothing and he does this to his poor parents!" The upset couple shared their story with the reporters. "And the worst bit is that he asked us why vegetables were good for him. He kept asking us why he should eat it. As if our words weren't good enough for him! He brought great shame to this house. How can we face our neighbors and friends and family after he questioned us like this?"<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jVfJuvohQ1w/U_28yAJO9eI/AAAAAAAAAeg/W_1BpZjwk_o/s1600/Colonel-Nathan-R-Jessup1.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jVfJuvohQ1w/U_28yAJO9eI/AAAAAAAAAeg/W_1BpZjwk_o/s1600/Colonel-Nathan-R-Jessup1.png" height="161" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>you have the luxury of not knowing what i know, you piece of shit!</i></span></div>
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Whatever the fallout from this event, it is clear that more disownments would follow as more people start thinking freely. Authorities are preparing for a nationwide crackdown should the phenomenon get out of hand. Till then, all we can do is brace and hope that Ahmed and his family return to their merry ways and acknowledge Ahmed as their son.<br />
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Until next time. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-86804796417035663942014-01-08T23:08:00.001-08:002014-01-08T23:08:56.916-08:00the wizard of maldives: an analogy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The following post is rated 'S' for spoilers.<br />
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If there is one thing I like as much as cartoons, it is making analogies out of cartoons. You see, analogies are the perfect way to present an idea and...OK OK. I know you know what an analogy is. Let us get on with the post.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GxI3MSrUDHM/UsPJ-p1i9SI/AAAAAAAAAZU/d9gzOKEMX6o/s1600/cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GxI3MSrUDHM/UsPJ-p1i9SI/AAAAAAAAAZU/d9gzOKEMX6o/s320/cover.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>gather one, gather all! it's time to give another classic the maldivian treatment</i></span></div>
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Unlike Alice in Wonderland, for which I did an analogy sometime earlier (<a href="http://useful0idiot.blogspot.com/2011/04/alice-in-wonderland-analogy.html" target="_blank">have a look</a>), I remember the Wizard of Oz for haunting me the first time I watched the movie as an innocent boy. I have never been the same innocent naive boy since. The Wizard of Oz opened my eyes to the dark side of life: witchcraft, lions, slippers, and finally, flying monkeys! Not to derail from the subject at hand, but let us reminisce the 'dark side of the rainbow' that had avid readers and wannabes everywhere jump with excitement. What I am trying to say here is that the Wizard of Oz literally is the shit! So...now that I am grown up, mature, and flamboyantly handsome, I want to get to the crux of things and see how I can analyze our God-given pearl of a country through the lens of this timeless classic by Frank Baum.<br />
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1. I'll start off with the main protagonist: Dorothy Gale. Miss Gale is not your everyday law-abiding citizen. On the contrary, she is in fact one of the most important people in the universe of Oz. Plucked from her home in Kansas, all Dorothy wants is to get back home. However, she is all that stands between good and evil. Furthermore, she is the brains and muscles of her band of misfits. In short, she has big shoes to fill. More on the said shoes later.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--lmgm85TiE8/UsPttQ8rRPI/AAAAAAAAAZk/WG4Xgr4ORJM/s1600/Dorothy+sexy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--lmgm85TiE8/UsPttQ8rRPI/AAAAAAAAAZk/WG4Xgr4ORJM/s320/Dorothy+sexy.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>eyes on the shoes! she's not some piece of meat for you to ogle at</i></span></div>
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Throughout the whole book/movie, Dorothy does everything humanly possible to reach home but keeps falling short and ends up having to help the Wizard every single time. In short, she represents each and everyone of us apart from a lucky few. We all have such high hopes and dreams and whatnot, but the majority of us hardly get there. We get hiccups midway, whether it's getting married and popping out a child, or having to settle finances. Either way, in the end we find ourselves quite far from where we wanted to go.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DJJQDybiwfk/UsPyornp3hI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/g_VxfWfM7TI/s1600/Dorothy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DJJQDybiwfk/UsPyornp3hI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/g_VxfWfM7TI/s320/Dorothy.jpg" height="179" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">all i wanted was to be a writer who moonlights as a superhero and i have to settle for writing captions!</span></i></div>
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2. Tin Man<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w4bpKj7jcDo/UsP4IoEG36I/AAAAAAAAAaE/8iYXZzPZoig/s1600/Iron_Man_movie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w4bpKj7jcDo/UsP4IoEG36I/AAAAAAAAAaE/8iYXZzPZoig/s320/Iron_Man_movie.jpg" height="320" width="217" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">*sigh* i wish!</span></i></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">Apart from not being everyone's superhero from Marvel (and by everyone I mean those who know superheroes through Hollywood), Tin Man represents the service industry of the Maldives. Sure, Tin Man looks all polished and shiny on the outside, but he's as useful as nipples on a breastplate. Likewise, if you have dealt with any place in the Maldives that serves customers, such as Bank of Maldives, IGMH, Dhiraagu, Post Office, and restaurants, to name a few, you'd rue the day you were born. You would not only get piss-poor service, they'll rape your sanity along the way! At a restaurant they'll charge you an arm and a leg despite the shitty service and unwanted 'souvenirs' in your food. At a queue, there'll be one working counter no matter how many people are in line. Despite where you go, one thing they all have in common is that the staff would go out of their way to ensure you have PTSD by the time you are finished.</span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--zPaUSk7nXc/UsP6rHxghRI/AAAAAAAAAaQ/Ihg4tCDGGxE/s1600/Tinman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--zPaUSk7nXc/UsP6rHxghRI/AAAAAAAAAaQ/Ihg4tCDGGxE/s320/Tinman.jpg" height="262" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>my face when i get service at *insert any place you want*</i></span></div>
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3. I don't really have to explain much for this entry, given the name Cowardly Lion. I remember the first time I saw him on TV and literally shat my shorts. He was that scary. However, five minutes later, even my young and very clueless mind was able to grasp the reality of what was unfurling right before my very small eyes. The King of the jungle, the fucking Maharajah of the freaking animal kingdom, was a sissy!<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uE0QfAVwXbU/UsP7oGwT2JI/AAAAAAAAAak/XsOmnuJtfBU/s1600/Lion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uE0QfAVwXbU/UsP7oGwT2JI/AAAAAAAAAak/XsOmnuJtfBU/s1600/Lion.jpg" height="238" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>if this clown is the king of the jungle, i'm the goddamned batman!</i></span></div>
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So what does this closeted cross-dressing (hint hint) Sultan of the wild represent in our country? His hairy majesty represents the unusual tendency of today's youth. Mainly the males' fashion tastes. Even the most bad ass gangster cum drug lord on the streets wears pink shirts and skinny jeans. I know I'm not the one to talk when it comes to fashion and stuff, but hello! At least wear something that does not make us normal folks question your sexuality. What's even grimmer is that many from the up and coming female generation find this abomination manly. Blech!<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2e54wz09wzA/UsxH_aatjGI/AAAAAAAAAbw/E1Qag8uxbtw/s1600/cone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2e54wz09wzA/UsxH_aatjGI/AAAAAAAAAbw/E1Qag8uxbtw/s1600/cone.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"> imagine fitting your legs and your family jewels in that cone and try not to cringe</span></i></div>
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4. Scarecrow<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sMJ6y09i4XY/UsP7pWB2bZI/AAAAAAAAAa4/ZOBNwft1pHo/s1600/Scarecrow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sMJ6y09i4XY/UsP7pWB2bZI/AAAAAAAAAa4/ZOBNwft1pHo/s1600/Scarecrow.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>be honest with me here and tell me the warner bros logo at the bottom right of the screen didn't remind you of bugs bunny</i></span></div>
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Scarecrows have only one God-given purpose in their lives: scare the shit out of pests. And, if the Wizard of Oz has given any indication of it thus far, it's that scaring is the one thing our straw-filled friend cannot do. Likewise, we have a fair number of laws in our nation and even though our Constitution fails to match the lengthy prowess of the Constitution of India, we do have a good amount of laws and regulations to govern the state. Furthermore, the legislature keeps enacting new laws every year to empower relevant authorities to make sure people abide laws of the land. I'll tell you one thing this farce has achieved: These laws and whatnot sure have protected the offenders from having to answer in the court of law. Whether it is due to a technical issue or because of lack of evidence, the laws that are enacted to protect the citizens do everything but!<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y4g48w3fCg8/UsxIjutzW3I/AAAAAAAAAb4/logoJX56jME/s1600/Colbert.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y4g48w3fCg8/UsxIjutzW3I/AAAAAAAAAb4/logoJX56jME/s1600/Colbert.png" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>behave!</i></span></div>
<br />
5. Nothing says the Wizard of Oz like the flying monkeys. They fly, they're sneaky, and they are monkeys! These pesky apes represent the cancer that plagues our nation: the drug addicts, the murderers, the addicts, the rapists, and the thieves. We can argue that we no longer have the very basic right a human should have: feeling secure in our own house. And thanks to the inability of the authorities and lackluster laws (i.e. entry 4), these pests roam free day and night. All the taxpayers are left to do with is to lock their doors and pray it's someone else that gets shagged. There's a loophole though: you are also someone else's someone else. Did that make sense? Never mind.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XrPmdY61hQk/UsP7tYW3-fI/AAAAAAAAAbY/be6xpChGfvI/s1600/monkey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XrPmdY61hQk/UsP7tYW3-fI/AAAAAAAAAbY/be6xpChGfvI/s1600/monkey.jpg" height="277" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>it's a bird! it's a plane! it's a...bunchofcrazyparteyscomingtofuckingstabyou!</i></span></div>
<br />
6. Ruby slippers (as promised)<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9Mx_x3059I8/UsP7pVpysBI/AAAAAAAAAa0/U0-9KCI0mt4/s1600/Ruby+slippers+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9Mx_x3059I8/UsP7pVpysBI/AAAAAAAAAa0/U0-9KCI0mt4/s1600/Ruby+slippers+2.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>no, it isn't something to ward off foot worshipers</i></span></div>
<br />
The ruby slippers, though not technically a character, presents the means for our heroine to go to home. If we look at the current state of the country, our biggest target has been establishing democracy. What better way to represent democracy than by a free and fair election? This is what the ruby slippers is to the Maldivians: the very means to establish rule of law and good governance. Oh, did I not mention that even though the ruby slippers have the magic to take us anywhere, us Maldivians always seem to choose an asshole when it comes to decide who to rule us. This is not something that is happening only now. It has been the same throughout our history. And no, I don't mean the past thirty years. Maldives has been around a whole lot longer than that! In the end, even though we know the people who took a dump on us, even though we know they will do it again, we always re-elect them and place them on the pedestal so that we may cower beneath them while they caress our tresses with their poo.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kCGD5B7oUmc/UsP7oSSO15I/AAAAAAAAAag/B55Ekx8-7zo/s1600/Ruby+slippers+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kCGD5B7oUmc/UsP7oSSO15I/AAAAAAAAAag/B55Ekx8-7zo/s1600/Ruby+slippers+1.jpg" height="173" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>wait a gosh darn minute! are you telling me we've been going round in circles?</i></span></div>
<br />
7. If you have been reading this post up to this point, you should know we still have a wizard unaccounted for. It would also behoove you to know that the wizard represents the politicians. We fall for their sleazy tricks. Not to mention, politicians are royal dicks who treat their constituents worse than cum rags unless it's time to vote. I'll paraphrase a quote from an incumbent MP who stated that he bought his seats. That it was a business transaction and as businesses go, he had the right to sell his votes, to shift alliances and to you know...be a royal dick. I just cannot fathom how the hell Maldivians not see all this!<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m-HzJ4BBmk8/UsP7uZHAJMI/AAAAAAAAAbk/k556c3Jm7B8/s1600/Wizard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m-HzJ4BBmk8/UsP7uZHAJMI/AAAAAAAAAbk/k556c3Jm7B8/s1600/Wizard.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>i've read harry potter. wizards use brooms to fly. i call shenanigans! </i></span></div>
<br />
8. Wicked Witch of the West<br />
<br />
No tale is complete without a formidable villain and the Wicked Witch of the West is as villainous as a villain could be.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>can i cop a feel...just a little?</i></span></div>
<br />
No. She does not personify she-hulk wannabe women who like young girls. She stands for something far worse: xenophobia. We have become so insecure in our faith that we have succumbed to identifying everything based on whether it's blasphemous aka <i>laadheenee</i> or accepted in Islam. Whether it's the death of a fellow human being or whether it's simply wishing a new year, we would rather bicker whether the person would go to hell or heaven instead of praying for peace for the departed soul. Or in the case of sending well wishes on an occasion, holier than thou know-it-alls among us would preach non-stop about how wishing someone during their festivities would mean we accept their religion. And don't even get me started on how we see everything as a crucifix or an idol. I mean, it's not like my faith is a snowflake that would melt once the rays from the sun hits it. Or maybe we feel losing our religion is as easy as losing our virginity. I mean, it's not like I'd slip and enter someone and slip out and slip back in again. Is it that easy?<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>hmm...not sure if this post is laadheenee or not</i></span></div>
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Until next time. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-41392115876577181422013-10-08T20:48:00.002-07:002016-12-30T09:19:58.732-08:00the coconut: the desolation of an unexpected journey to there and back<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Prologue:</span></i></b><br />
<div>
<br />
It began long ago in a land far away to the east, the like of which you will not find in the world today. There was the city of Male, its markets known far and wide, full of the bounties of vine and vale, peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-Earth: Mordis, stronghold of Namaari, King of the Sea and mightiest of the Kraken-Lords. Namaari ruled with utter surety, never doubting his house would endure, for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson.<br />
<br />
Ah, Usef...Male'! (pronounced <i>Yoosef</i>) From deep within the ocean itself, the beauty of this island city was legend. Its wealth lay in the ocean in precious gems hewn from rock and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone.
The skill of the Krakens was unequaled, fashioning objects of great beauty out of corals, fish bones, rock, and sand. Ever they delved deep, down into the dark and that is where they found it, the Heart of the Ocean...the Tuna. Namaari named it the King's Jewel, he took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him, even the great Human King Bod Umanzar (pronounced <i>Bodh Umaanzar</i>). But the years of peace and plenty was not to last. Slowly the days turned sour and the watchful nights closed in. Namaari's love of tuna grown too fierce and sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives, bad things will follow...<br />
<br />
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter 1:</span></i></b><br />
<br />
It was a day like any other in the lands of Mordis. The sky was azure blue, the ocean dark blue, the sun an orangish-blue, you get the picture. The gulls sang their jubilant songs as the waves washed ashore broken corals, dead leaves and branches, and a coconut covered with seaweed; an ancient sign of things to come. The fisher folk of this small village set about with their daily musings paying no heed to what the waves washed upon the shores. The folks of Mordis were simple and did not care about the goings-on in Middle Earth or about ancient signs. They were a proud bunch of people and prefer their quiet lives. Little did they know, that the forthcoming days would be different. In fact it would be very different, for a man from foreign lands was going to join them tonight for supper. No one knows who or where this stranger came from. Dressed in a white cloak, carrying a bag and unarmed save for his walking staff, the alien stood at the piers as the folks returned with their catch. Traces of white were seen on an otherwise shiny and well-groomed beard. The cloaked figure had a small frame to him and though the hood of the cloak prevented the curious villagers from having a good look, it did not prevent them from seeing the wrinkles of age on the man's face. There was an eerie feeling about him, aided even more by the darkening world as the sun set. Nonetheless, the man had an aura that demanded attention and respect.<br />
<br />
"May we help you, old man?", asked one person. Everyone held their breath, and for mere seconds, time froze a little as they wished beyond their wildest dreams that the stranger would understand the local tongue.<br />
<br />
"I ask for nothing but bread and mead, and a bosom should you have a pair or two to spare," the man's voice was soft and withdrawn, as mysterious as his appearance.<br />
<br />
"Aye, you don't even have to ask. You must be new here, Mordis folks are well-known for their hospitality. We'll be happy to provide you with guest rights," the relief was evident in the village smith's voice. He continued, "...but what is this bosom you speak of?"<br />
<br />
This caught the old man off guard for a moment but was quick to regain his composure. "Never mind lads, your guest rites are good enough for a tired traveler in a foreign land."<br />
<br />
"Old man, you will have the finest bread we eat and the sweetest wine we drink for as long as you wish to stay with us...," another villager chimed in. There were nods of agreement over the crowd that gathered. Some of the women and the children had now joined to see the commotion.<br />
<br />
"That is very kind of you, villagers. You have already given me more than a stranger could ask for," and the old man took off his hood, "But please, call me Acyof (pronounced <i>Achiof</i>). And Lo! I beg of you, why are your females not covering their bodies waist up?"<br />
<br />
Even in the midst of the exchange and the sincere concern in his eyes, the crowd got a good look at this strange human. Not only did he ask for unknown gifts from simple fisher folk, he began questioning the appearance of the village females. A normal sane person would have recoiled in horror at this intrusion by a complete stranger, but Alas, not the folks of Mordis, who were neither normal nor sane. They were the children of the sea. They were of salt and tuna.<br />
<br />
As the crowd murmured amongst themselves, unable to reason why the women bared their chests, an elderly man walked up to them. Dressed in an old black cloak, white shoulder length hair and a grey beard that was in disarray. Acyof could safely guess this old man was the village Elder as the crowd parted part to let the old man through. The newcomer walked slowly with the aid of a walking staff, each step threatening to give his knees away under the weight.<br />
<br />
"Good morrow, Acyof. I am the village Elder, Heebi Jeebis," Heebi Jeebis smiled at Acyof and extended his hand.<br />
<br />
"My heartfelt thanks to you, Elder Heebi Jeebis," Acyof took the Elder's bony hand and shook it. Acyof noted that as old as Heebi Jeebis was, he had a strong grip.<br />
<br />
"I open my house for you and it would bring great honor on House Jeebis to provide you with all your needs."<br />
<br />
With that, Heebi Jeebis turned around and walked away from the shore and onward to the busy streets. Acyof followed close behind to his new home.<br />
<br />
The coconut, meanwhile, was nowhere to be seen.<br />
<br />
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter 5:</span></i></b><br />
<br />
Acyof woke up in the middle of the night. It took him a while to realize he has been asleep for some time. The bedside lantern had gone out sometime after he slept and since the moon had set, it was pitch black. Acyof was staring into the darkness wondering why he woke up suddenly when he heard a soft tapping outside. Someone was there. The tapping was steady. Same interval between each tap. Not getting loud either. Cautious, with nothing but his trustworthy walking staff in hand, Acyof slowly walked out of the back door. And there he saw it!<br />
<br />
A shadow was lurking in the corner, facing the wall. Its arms were moving back and forth. Thinking it must be a bandit after his money, Acyof wasted no time. He swung the staff at the mysterious figure, all his strength behind the blow. THUD!!! The figure collapsed onto the ground. Startled.<br />
<br />
"SPEAK YOUR NAME, BRUTE, BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO A SEAXAN!"<br />
<br />
What happened next shocked Acyof. The mystery man started crying loudly. Throughout his life as a traveler, he had never seen a grown man breakdown in front of him and start crying this way.<br />
<br />
"Oh come on! It was a jape. I do not know magic," Acyof tried to reassure the wailing man before him.<br />
<br />
"I'm very sorry Ser, Acyof," the man said in between sobs. "I was just performing my nightly ritual and..."<br />
<br />
Acyof's eyes widened as the realization hit him. "You what, you filthy creature? I should beat you up for this! I don't care what your reason is," Acyof raised his staff threateningly.<br />
<br />
"No no. This is not what it seems," the man was on his knees now. "I was going to the toilet and I could not undo the knot on my robe," I was fiddling with it when you knocked me to the ground, Ser. Please don't turn me into no Seaxan. I beg of you!" And with that, the man broke again into hysterical sobs.<br />
<br />
"Fear not my strange friend. I would not hurt a single hair of your body."<br />
<br />
The scared man got to his feet and shaking the sand off his elbow looked at Acyof and gave a toothy grin, "I am Usel Ess Idiot (pronounced <i>Yoosel As Eediyoth</i>) the..."<br />
<br />
"...let me guess, the village fool?" Acyof interrupted.<br />
<br />
"Yes! You are so smart, Ser."<br />
<br />
"Please, call me Acyof. Nice to meet you Usel," Acyof exclaimed and shook the hand of his newly found fool of a friend.<br />
<br />
The unlikely friends laughed out loud while they reenacted the scene of their meeting when the first rooster doodled its cock.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Chapter 17:</i></b></span><br />
<br />
Acyof returned home that night after hanging out with his friend Usel. The scene that greeted him would have taken the heart of him, "My friends, your faces take the heart of me. You must tell me what is wrong."<br />
<br />
Heebi Jeebis took Acyof aside and whispered in his year, "My daughter, my little Dhaleyka, has been taken as a sacrifice to the sea monster," tears were falling from Heebi Jeebis' eyes as he told of what happened. "On each full moon we have to pick one virgin from the village and send her as a sacrifice to the sea monster. We leave her at the Great Temple in Male. This way, the sea monster spares the people of Mordis until the next full moon."<br />
<br />
"No need to worry, my good friend Heebi Jeebis!" Acyof took the Elder's hand in his. "I will save your daughter. I vow on my flamboyant beard that I will."<br />
<br />
"Why would you do such a thing for a complete stranger?" Heebi Jeebis could not believe his ears.<br />
<br />
At this, Acyof smiled, his eyes full of life and whispered, "For what is a man who cannot help his fellow man but the man who brings a smile to others?"<br />
<br />
Heebi Jeebis' face lit up. "May your children be wise and rule the worlds!"<br />
<br />
"Please make sure my words about helping our fellow men reach my children. Let these words be my legacy." Acyof had a distant look in his eyes. Acyof has already began to suspect in his heart that this quest would cost him his life.<br />
<br />
"But Acyof, it was only figurative speech. You have no children."<br />
<br />
"I know, but you will see them soon enough, my Lord," Acyof said with a wink, "I must hasten for there is little time till the full moon rises."<br />
<br />
Heebi Jeebis looked on as Acyof turned and left the house, with his walking staff in hand. The black cloak danced in the wind. Echoing the moods of all around him. "Farewell, my friend. May the Gods be with you," Heebi Jeebis prayed as he looked up to the heavens.<br />
<br />
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter 39:</span></i></b><br />
<br />
(After a long journey through the mountains and under the sea with Usel...)<br />
<br />
Acyof ran into the mausoleum and saw Dhaleyka lying on the sacrificial stone, naked as the day she was born, crying softly. Acyof walked slowly towards the sacrificial mound. Monster or no monster, Acyof knew that no woman deserved such a fate. Everything was in slow motion now. Acyof could hear his heart skip a few beats as he finally reached the stairs to the stone table. Acyof knew what he would see before he even took the steps. Acyof took off his cloak and took in the full form of the beautiful Dhaleyka before him as he got close and raised his cloak to cover her. Outside, the waves were crashing on the break water, joyous and full of glee under the shimmering moonlight.<br />
<br />
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter 70:</span></i></b><br />
<br />
Acyof stepped back after he covered Dhaleyka. "Fear not my lady. My good friend Usel will take you to safety."<br />
<br />
With that Acyof sat on the table as he saw Dhaleyka meet with Usel at the door of the mausoleum. Without as much as a backward glance, they were gone. A few minutes after they left, Acyof heard footsteps. It was not as loud as he expected. When the would be monster appeared, Acyof cried out in disbelief. It was King Namaari!<br />
<br />
"What in the Light's name is this?!" Acyof exclaimed. "Your majesty, have you been raping and killing the virgins by using the guise of a sea monster?"<br />
<br />
"What the deuce? Why is a man here? Guards! GUARDS!!" King Namaari was beyond bewilderment.<br />
<br />
"Your Kingsguard won't save you tonight my Lord," Acyof said grabbing his walking staff as the Kingsguard surrounded him, swords in hand.<br />
<br />
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter 94:</span></i></b><br />
<br />
(After a hard-fought and long climactic battle...)<br />
<br />
"Have mercy....," King Namaari cried. He was sweating profusely as the realization hit him that all his guards have been slain by the awesome and handsome hero.<br />
<br />
"Fear me not my King, for I will not kill you."<br />
<br />
"But why..? Why spare me, stranger? Kill me and at least save my face in front of my people. Let me die an honorable death" The mighty Namaari, the Lord of the Oceans, the holder of the Tuna, was on his hands and knees.<br />
<br />
"Embrace the Light, my King. That's all I ask of you. And spread the Light to the people. And base everything you do on the Light, for now and forever!" Acyof walked close to the King and knelt down. "My King, tell the people that I fought with the monster valiantly and killed it despite taking a great many wounds. Tell the people my body was lost into the sea. The people need you as their King."<br />
<br />
Tears were rolling down King Namaari's royal cheeks as he nodded.<br />
<br />
"My Royal Lord, please tell Heebi Jeebis to travel to the lands of his father, Bod Umanzar and to study magic, for a day might come Middle Earth would depend on him. He knows his destiny and he cannot escape it. Maybe that was why I chanced to be in Mordis to begin with. My Liege, ask Dhaleyka to take care of my child and as my last request, ask Usel to find me."<br />
<br />
King Namaari looked gravely as he weighed the requests. "If only it was under other conditions, in another time, on another night, I would have made you the Hand of the King, Acyof. Fear not, I shall not let the people of Mordis fall. I will lead our people to the Light."<br />
<br />
"Our people. Our people my Lord...And I would have followed you, my brother...my captain...my king." Acyof got up and walked away, his black cloak flapping in the wind. And he walked into the darkness beyond the mausoleum.<br />
<br />
"What...what shall I tell the people the monster was?" The king said to himself.<br />
<br />
"Rannamaari, my Lord....so that no one would suspect you...," Acyof's last words echoed as he disappeared into the night, never to be seen or heard of again.<br />
<br />
Far away from Mordis, by the banks of a river, a coconut washes ashore, covered with barnacles and moss.<br />
<br />
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Epilogue:</span></i></b><br />
<br />
Centuries have passed since the fateful night at Male and Mordis embraced the Light.<br />
<br />
In the Royal Palace, within the confines of a filthy dungeon, the great great great grand daughter of Dhaleyka, plans to murder her second husband and ascend to the Throne of Mordis.<br />
<br />
Out in the jungles of the forests of Bhārat, Usel Ess Idiot the Sixth looks for his great great great grandfather's best friend's heir along with his friend Thakur, whose family, unbeknownst to either of them, would one day play a pivotal role in saving Mordis from the Eagles of the Ocean.<br />
<br />
Somewhere in a secret place, far beyond the peering eyes of all living things, nineteen hooded figures huddle around a fire. A twentieth figure joins them. Dressed in an old grey cloak, white shoulder length hair and a grey beard that was in disarray. The hooded figures part to let the old man through. The newcomer walks slowly with the aid of a walking staff, each step threatening to give his knees away under the weight. "It is good to see you all here once again, friends. Let us start shall we?" Heebi Jeebis the Grey whispers.<br />
<br />
And far beyond the forests and the mountains of Middle Earth, far beneath the deepest depths of the oceans, a dark power awakens...<br />
<br />
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">THE END</span></b></div>
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</div>
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useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-52488816370535931132013-09-23T17:47:00.000-07:002013-09-23T17:49:59.278-07:00Maldives changes her national flag in a desperate attempt to salvage the nation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2aLMT-apvN0/UkDgklDWSpI/AAAAAAAAAWQ/Rsi8T0NpkEY/s1600/Flag.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="266" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2aLMT-apvN0/UkDgklDWSpI/AAAAAAAAAWQ/Rsi8T0NpkEY/s400/Flag.png" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>This image sums up everything one has to say</i></div>
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useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-82882815608310471732013-06-03T22:16:00.002-07:002013-06-03T22:16:49.285-07:00criminal court sentences serial donor to life imprisonment<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The Criminal Court sentenced a serial donor to life imprisonment earlier today. The convict, who pleaded guilty to multiple accounts of donations to charity throughout the nation, will be transferred to the detention and correction facility in Male' City, where he will undergo a pre-life imprisonment medical checkup prior to commencing his sentence.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b1PiDRuma9c/UaxoVGfNxHI/AAAAAAAAAUs/hg6C3CfMtbY/s1600/0_133577231333_news.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b1PiDRuma9c/UaxoVGfNxHI/AAAAAAAAAUs/hg6C3CfMtbY/s320/0_133577231333_news.jpg" width="320" /></a><i style="font-size: small;"> </i></div>
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Following a lengthy investigation and a lengthier trial, which the authorities call a 'long battle', the sentence paved way to the impending trials of similar nature. Speaking at a press conference after the trial, the Commissioner of Police said that the hammer of justice would not pardon offenders. "Lately there has been an increase in the rate of crime of various nature. Mind you! We will leave no rock upturned in the fight against crime," he said in what would surely be the authority's biggest challenge to crime syndicates over the country. "We will not...I repeat, the Police will not take lightly...even if it's a simple case of returning a lost wallet to its owner!" The commissioner's threat comes as no surprise since the resurgence of criminal activities in the capital and in the outlying islands, have the citizens living in fear.<br />
<br />
Just seventy-two hours earlier, a man previously convicted of helping an elderly cross a road, was caught while holding the door open for a couple at a store. Fortunately, the security guard at the store apprehended the man before he could keep the door open any longer. According to one of the eye witnesses on hand, repeat offenders are what scares her the most. "I just saw a convict walking freely and breaking the law again! Is this how tax payers' money is spent by the government?," the mortified woman told the reporters.<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gA0NA15w-8E/Uaxp1Yo4cWI/AAAAAAAAAU8/6imRh0nZvxM/s1600/hammer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gA0NA15w-8E/Uaxp1Yo4cWI/AAAAAAAAAU8/6imRh0nZvxM/s320/hammer.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">the promised hammer of justice and/or thor</span></i></div>
<br />
The Minister of Home Affairs was unavailable for any comments. However, a senior official within the ministry; on condition of complete anonymity, confided to the reporters that the recent incidents is just the tip of the iceberg. According to the official, the Police recently uncovered a group of volunteers who went about donating blood to orphans. "I don't know why, but the Police is keeping the lid shut on this case," the official was quoted as saying. When questioned, the Chief of Intelligence of Police said that the case was still under investigation and that the authorities were working to bring all involved to answer in the court of law. "The roots in this case go beyond the scope of a single group and we have enough evidence to suspect that there are very powerful men behind the operation of these 'terror' networks."<br />
<br />
The public has been calling for swifter action by the government and has been calling for the resignation of the judges at the Criminal Court and the Supreme Court. "What can we do? We judge on the evidence presented to us," said the Chief Justice of the Criminal Court during a press conference. "We have told the Police and the prosecutors to give us enough evidence to pass the sentence. If not, our hands are tied behind our backs."<br />
<br />
However, the Chief Judge's comments must be taken with a pinch of salt. During the infamous case from November last year, the State tried a suspect who was caught on camera thanking a waiter. The video footage caught on the CCTV camera at the restaurant was presented as evidence at the court and the judge claimed the evidence was not enough to prove that the man was guilty 'beyond reasonable doubt' and judged the man not guilty of committing the heinous crime. During the appeal, even more infamous because it was the third time in the history of the Maldives that the Attorney General presented a case, many eyewitnesses gave testimonies regarding the act of terror. Some eyewitnesses gave testimonies behind close doors with their voices altered to prevent any potential backlashes from the suspect or his associates. In one of the most shocking trials in the country to date, the suspect promised in God's name that he committed no such crimes. "I agree I have done many wrong things in my life. Once...I even helped a little boy stand up after he slipped and fell on the road...but, Allah as my witness, I have never ever said 'thank you' to the waiter in question." Had the State used his confession, the suspect could have faced life imprisonment and quite possibly the death sentence for the crime he previously committed. Nonetheless, due to the reluctance of the authorities, the case eventually fell through and the man walked free.<br />
<br />
Whilst the public's outcry goes unheard, the deteriorating respect to law and order within the country continues to this day. It is sad that the crime population is not only limited to males. Just few days after the former incident, a female teacher was caught red-handed while helping a student with a lesson. Fortunately, to the relief of the school and the outraged parents, the teacher pleaded guilty and was sentenced to six months of house arrest. A 'small victory', as put forth by one parent, and yet, such victories are enough to ensure the public that the country will soon become peaceful once again and we would face the promising future hand in hand.<br />
<br />
Until next time. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-33733687974623667102013-02-10T20:24:00.000-08:002013-02-10T20:24:21.074-08:00Y U NO LSD?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div>
Note: The following post has been inspired by true and actual events that literally happened.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Congresses, tribunals, and 'black' walks summarize the curry pot of a country I call a home. To top it all of, we had a few cases of some suspected youths suspectedly 'dying' after suspiciously overdosing on what the Police suspects is fake LSD or, as it is more commonly known, acid. Needless to say, being the overzealous human that I am, I jumped into the foray to find out what has befallen the youth of my country. And in my ordeal that took me beyond my wildest dreams of half-eaten zombies and molested unicorns, I stumbled upon a dealer who offered me what I suspect, was LSD. Not to blow my cover, I talked to him as I tried to understand the inner workings of the human mind on LSD. Following is the actual conversation I had with Ghiyash (not his actual name) as I dove deep into this endeavor.<br />
<div>
<br />
<div>
[begin record]</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Yo man! Want some totally real LSD? It's real, I promise.</div>
<div>
Me: Gimmie!</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: It's real and not fake, you know. Totally not laced with cheap poisonous ingredients.</div>
<div>
Me: Awesome!</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Visit my back alley dealing spot for pick-up.</div>
<div>
Me: That's good and all that, but most importantly, will it make me high?</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: I can't tell that because what am I? A doctor? I am just unwashed, probably diseased drug dealer and I'm totally reliable because even kids trust me enough to buy from me.</div>
<div>
Me: But the shit is not fake, right?</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Totally fake. I mean not fake. Can you repeat the question?</div>
<div>
Me: Is this shit fake?</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Of course not! Would I do that to a customer? Your well-being is important to me. This is premium deluxe quality gourmet LSD, man!</div>
<div>
Me: Excellent. What's the price?</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: I don't know...how do you sell LSD? In kilos? Or is it like, 2 LSDs for something rufiyaa or something? Buy one get one free, maybe? Or some shit like that...</div>
<div>
Me: Do you mean that I buy 1 LSD for the price of 2 and get 1 LSD free?</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Nice. Yes. I like that! I mean...that's what I meant.</div>
<div>
Me: So we have a deal?</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Good good! Let me find a nice dark and dirty back alley to deal in.</div>
<div>
Me: Alright. I will bring the dough.</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Nooo. Bring money.</div>
<div>
Me: Dough = money in drug lord's language. But...I'm doubtful.. Are you sure that you're selling real LSD?</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Man, this is the BEST BEST quality. Only, like, a little rat poison added for flavor. But that's it. For serious.</div>
<div>
Me: Alright.</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Maybe some bleach for good measure... But that. Is. It.</div>
<div>
Me: So let me get this straight. Just bleach and rat poison. Nothing more?</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Of course nothing more! Who do you take me for, a fraud? How dare you, sir! I have a good mind to take my business elsewhere!</div>
<div>
Me: Many apologies. Please continue.</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: It's just rat poison, bleach and arsenic in my LSD which is premium deluxe gourmet!</div>
<div>
Me: Wait wait! Arsenic? You must be pulling my leg!</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Oh, didn't I tell you about that? It's added for color, mate!</div>
<div>
Me: Aaah.</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: You'll enjoy it. </div>
<div>
Me: Just for color. Alright.</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: And after taking this, you'll be pulling your own leg.</div>
<div>
Me: Awesome! I might buy an extra stash if it is as good as you say. Man, I wish I had a room.</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: You don't need a room to take my LSD in.</div>
<div>
Me: This is just for good measure in case I have to lay low.</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: Not to worry, it's packed in emptied cyanide capsule. It's mostly free of cyanide, of course.</div>
<div>
Me: At this rate, I'll have to pay an arm and a leg.</div>
<div>
Ghiyash: But you're getting a free LSD when you buy one for the price of two! It's a sweet deal!</div>
<div>
Me: It's a deal then. I will drop the money at... [end of record]</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
Until next time. Adios...</div>
</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-22175410995335274962012-12-19T01:33:00.001-08:002013-01-20T03:14:53.211-08:00presidential vows: a dialogue<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Now that 2012 is almost over and a new year lurks around the corners, people have started to make up new year resolutions they will never fulfill. Not to mention, the presidential elections next year and the revolutionary warfare launched by the opposition. So while politicians have started making their promises and vows to please the masses, I had a little chat with an acquaintance of mine who has a newly vested interested in politics: I present to you <a href="http://useful0idiot.blogspot.com/2009/12/interview-with-shampire.html" target="_blank">Shampire</a>.<br />
<br />
Me: Hello again my dear friend.<br />
Shampire: May peace be with you and you are not my friend.<br />
Me: Good to see you're doing well.<br />
Shampire: So why did you drag me into this hideous excuse of a place you call a home?<br />
Me: A man's home is his castle, they say.<br />
Shampire: They are wrong. And you suck.<br />
Me: Moving on. I hear you're interested in politics?<br />
Shampire: You know what they say: if you want to get something done right...<br />
Me: ...you got to do it on your own.<br />
Shampire: No, you fool! You bribe and fool people to make them do your dirty work.<br />
Me: ........<br />
Shampire: Wipe that annoying look off of your face.<br />
Me: But that's so wrong.<br />
Shampire: Have we not met?<br />
Me: I rest my case... So you want to become the President?<br />
Shampire: Of course not, silly boy! I want eternal salvation and everything that comes with it. Presidency is just the means to spread my message.<br />
Me: This message you speak of...how do you plan on getting elected?<br />
Shampire: What kind of a question is that? By killing the incumbent of course!<br />
Me: No no! You have to get elected by a vote.<br />
Shampire: What? That's the infidels' way. Why can't we just have a duel and let the winner have the spoils?<br />
Me: Because, this is the 21st century and because the people decide now.<br />
Shampire: You and your nonsense ways! So what do I do to win this vote you speak of?<br />
Me: You campaign and you make promises and such so that the people will vote for the best candidate.<br />
Shampire: You are saying that I just make up cock and bull stories for people to believe?<br />
Me: Not really. You have to deliver on your promises and...Oh forget it. Yes that's what you do.<br />
Shampire: That sounds very doable. Better than a duel I say.<br />
Me: Of course! Who else can lie better than you?<br />
Shampire: What was that?<br />
Me: Nothing.<br />
Shampire: So how do I deliver my promises to the people?<br />
Me: Advertise, speeches, put it on the web. Here are the vows I made if<a href="http://useful0idiot.blogspot.com/2010/06/if-i-was-president.html" target="_blank"> I were to become the President</a>.<br />
Shampire: VAAV THAA FAAF???!! That list of trash is your vows?<br />
Me: I wouldn't call it trash... And vaav thaa faaf? Please translate.<br />
Shampire: Ya Allah! Haaza al-rajl jaahil al akbar! It means WTF, and I call it as I see it. Yours is a recipe for disaster and a one-way ticket to Hell!<br />
Me: Excuse me?<br />
Shampire: Just look at this. You even promised to torture men who lay with young girls. Torture!<br />
Me: That's because rapists and pedophiles deserve it. I wish I could torture them till death and bring them back to life.<br />
Shampire: You have indeed lost the righteous path, my son. It is Satan's fault that men are that way.<br />
Me: Are you suggesting that they roam free?<br />
Shampire: I am saying that it is Satan's fault and YOUR infidel Constitution says an innocent man cannot be prosecuted.<br />
Me: Alright. Tell me what you promise the people of Maldives.<br />
Shampire: I will run as the candidate of Adhaalath Party. They seem to have the best sense among you idiots and they will embrace me as their messiah.<br />
Me: You got that right. They are a bunch of hot-headed pansy girls.<br />
Shampire: How dare you compare God's chosen to such low creatures!<br />
Me: You are charming.<br />
Shampire: Eh?<br />
Me: Since we are comparing genders, how do you plan to tackle equal opportunity?<br />
Shampire: First and foremost, I will enforce equal opportunity.<br />
Me: Wow! I am impressed. Never knew you were the type to conform to such things.<br />
Shampire: I know! Since all females regardless of age have to wear veil under my rule, I am going to open the opportunity for all males to wear the veil as well. See? I am beating the infidels at their own game!<br />
Me: Quite clever, I must say. What will your policies be on the education system?<br />
Shampire: I will integrate animal husbandry into the education system. Before you open that filthy mouth of yours, I want to alienate Maldives. I will close the country to money from the infidels and only our Muslim brethren can help us. I will...<br />
Me: Sorry to cut you off but I get the feeling that you're suggesting that we start animal farming. Is that your fiscal policy?<br />
Shampire: Yes I am. We are going to herd sheep and goats and cows. Our children, male of course, will learn the hairy arts and will prosper in the coming generations.<br />
Me: That is indeed a hairy subject but I guess we have to come up with some way to sustain ourselves after we oust every investor in the country. So what about taxes?<br />
Shampire: I am not a believer in taxation. I see no reason why a man must pay to live in his own house.<br />
Me: This is good news!<br />
Shampire: But...<br />
Me: There is always a but..<br />
Shampire: I will impose a coitus tax.<br />
Me; A coitus what?!!<br />
Shampire: A coitus tax, you deaf baboon!<br />
Me: Could you please explain?<br />
Shampire: As you know, or God forbid, you should know, fornication is a deadly sin. Therefore the Almighty has paved us the way for women to have sex without eternal damnation.<br />
Me: And?<br />
Shampire: And by allowing a man to marry four women, he is ultimately saving the four females from the fires of Hell. If you ask me, that kind of kindness should be appreciated. What better way to show one's gratitude than by paying a small token of appreciation for their deliverance.<br />
Me: So all in all, you're making the women pay a tax because they get to use the dong of their husbands? Isn't that rather one-sided?<br />
Shampire: It is not one-sided! Anyway, who is running for presidency? Me or you? I am levying the coitus tax because it is the only way for the women to know the cost of deliverance.<br />
Me: You think this dong tax will make women want to marry?<br />
Shampire: Think of it this way. If they do not marry and fornicate, I can flog and stone them in public. Then again I will make marriage mandatory for all women who have come of age.<br />
Me: Speaking of punishments, how will you run the judiciary? Will you uphold the Sharia?<br />
Shampire: Yes I will! I will uphold the Rule of God to the last breath. I have zero tolerance for wrongdoers. Especially sinners. During my presidency, if someone is found guilty of a sin, they will be punished severely in public. No allowances will be given to sex or age.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Je-pLTrhEXI/UNGFK6dljdI/AAAAAAAAATs/4nZuojxo_tA/s1600/satan+welcome+to+my+moutain+color.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Je-pLTrhEXI/UNGFK6dljdI/AAAAAAAAATs/4nZuojxo_tA/s320/satan+welcome+to+my+moutain+color.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>with Presidents like these, who needs dictators?</i></div>
<br />
Me: But what if it's a young person. I have the perfect scenario. What if a little girl gets raped?<br />
Shampire: You fool! Little girls do not get raped. And yes, she will be flogged severely until she seeks salvation.<br />
Me: But we are talking about rape! As you'd say, fornication without consent!!<br />
Shampire: Consent nonsense! Do I look like I give a, as you humans say, shit? Yes, the girl will be flogged as a lesson and a warning for the rest of the kind.<br />
Me: Then what about the man?<br />
Shampire: See? This is why we cannot get along very well. You always worry about what to do with the man. I think that you have something against men. Were you hurt by a man in your life? Because I see that you are very personal when it comes to these things. You always find a way to hurt men. Ways to punish them. It is very unfair and uncalled for. Not to mention very sexist!<br />
Me: Oh my. And how is that any different from what you are doing, your Holiness?<br />
Shampire: The point is, as I said earlier, Satan is the one to blame. It is not man's fault that he errs. Satan makes man want to commit atrocious sins and the women are the means.<br />
Me: Let us talk about some other subject. Do you have any developmental plans? How will you strengthen the republic?<br />
Shampire: Lord be praised! That is a lot to answer and I am short on time. I am sure you would understand.<br />
Me: Alright then. Good luck in the coming elections though I am not sure if I want you to win.<br />
Shampire: Of course you would not. You are an extremely laadheenee person.<br />
Me: Now that I can understand. Fare thee well, my friend.<br />
Shampire: May God have mercy on you and for the umpteenth time: I am not your friend! Shampire has no friends! I am off and do not bother me unless to repent. No. Forget that. Do not bother me at all!<br />
Me: Guess I can never have a conversation without pissing him off. Until next time, Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-15212932651843780852012-12-11T02:28:00.001-08:002012-12-12T01:05:47.474-08:00a little blasphemy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Now that GMR is gone and some of us are hell-bent on going back to the days when we ate goat - played goat - slept goat and drank goat, we seem to have provided the breeding grounds for doing things in the name of religion. It is sad that the 'Islamic' tag makes anything and everything acceptable these days, and very profitable as well. The number of holier than thou know-it-alls is on the rise who look at punishment and fear as the only way to spread Islam while casting a blind-eye to the root of all.<br />
<br />
Having said that, the post today is not about the exploits of the deeply devout, but on an incident that came up a few weeks back. Before I dive in, Maldives, and by extension, Maldivians have always regarded sex as a taboo topic. It is considered a very, as female teenagers would say it, eww subject. I remember the day I asked my dad about how to fornicate and he just straight up told me kids should not speak about it. In his defence, it may be because I was just 7 at the time and it was the not the perfect topic for father-son bonding. But still...it's just a snapshot of our culture when it comes to sex: it's our dirty little secret; the perfect setting for pedophiles, molesters, and rapists..<br />
<br />
A few weeks back, the whole country was shocked when an <a href="http://www.haveeru.com.mv/news/45374" target="_blank">11-year old prematurely gave birth</a> at 7 months. There was public outcry that such a little girl was so naughty as to have sex at such a tender age, let alone, give birth. She deserved what she got, people said. The duly devout went on public forums saying that<a href="http://dhiislam.com/archives/68281" target="_blank"> little girls won't give birth</a>. I have a message for the so called sheikh. Yeah, little girls won't give birth. However, little girls won't want to get pregnant either, and devouring a penis is the last thing on their mind. And the hardcore Islamic 'evangelists' called for her to be flogged for her sin. Screw that! Everyone called for her to be flogged.<br />
<br />
What most of the delusional people at this country failed to even think about is how in the Seven Heavens' name does an 11-year old get pregnant? They forgot one very important piece of the equation:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qK8wxXy7YmQ/UMb3JBcjJvI/AAAAAAAAATI/9JTJHuyYYEA/s1600/1284698338_a51bbb359d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="248" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qK8wxXy7YmQ/UMb3JBcjJvI/AAAAAAAAATI/9JTJHuyYYEA/s320/1284698338_a51bbb359d.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>if you didn't get it, it's a penis. a friggin' penis!</i></div>
<br />
Yeah, no one bothered to inquire as to how the little girl ended up with a babe in her belly. Unless she's the reincarnation of Virgin Mary, I am pretty sure it took two to tango in this dance. What's even sadder is that none of the so called advocates and champions of human rights and such had the cojones to mutter a word on the issue. The United Nations, UNICEF, the Human Rights Commission of the Maldives, Advocating the Rights of Children, and many other agencies failed or rather chose to stay silent on the issue. Then again, I don't blame the silence of most of them when considering the debacles of the pious every time someone questions the logic of such things. Faith, after all, is blind.<br />
<br />
A small lining in the silver cloud came when <a href="http://minivannews.com/society/dna-testing-reveals-child-sex-offender-48213" target="_blank">DNA evidence surfaced and follow-up investigations show that she was indeed raped</a> and did not get jiggy with a man on her own accord as the majority of the nation first perceived. So all in all, we have an 11-year old who is a victim of a man who was a family friend. Not to mention the allegations that her uncle had molested her as well. But even up to today, very few have openly condemned this incident. And even more more so, fewer have condemned the silence of the relevant authorities and agencies.<br />
<br />
In the end, we are left with an 11-year old whose life is over before it has even begun. She is already labelled a slut and a sinner, and thanks to our very able media, the whole of Addu Shitty (pun intended) knows her by now.<br />
<br />
So here is a big fuck you to the two sick sons of bitches who raped the little girl, and an even bigger fuck you to all the authorities that stayed silent on this issue. Last but not least, here is a fuck you to the former Minister of Gender, Human Rights, and Family who did nothing noteworthy during this fiasco, but got her bra in a knot when her husband was arrested by the Police for being drunk. I hope you all rot in hell with hot barbed rods up every hole in your body! And please don't get me started on the family. Her own mother stayed silent through the whole ordeal even after the girl told her mother about the abuse. I hope your uterus bleeds out along with your innards and you never give birth again!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--S7t3pQyP2g/UMcOGeRFcdI/AAAAAAAAATY/KdwPXK8cY8s/s1600/TortureTool.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--S7t3pQyP2g/UMcOGeRFcdI/AAAAAAAAATY/KdwPXK8cY8s/s320/TortureTool.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>exhibit A: barbed rod 2020</i></div>
<br />
Until next time. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-64778015087277280202012-12-02T00:15:00.000-08:002012-12-02T02:15:41.637-08:00a fond adieu...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WHy4PMbKUVo/ULrolz9gRGI/AAAAAAAAASw/vi0vGBKMsbY/s1600/wormwood7.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WHy4PMbKUVo/ULrolz9gRGI/AAAAAAAAASw/vi0vGBKMsbY/s1600/wormwood7.gif" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I don't normally write posts for others. I don't even dedicate posts to others. Why? Because it is my blog. However, today's post is dedicated to a very special lady. She has been with me throughout the majority of my existence. She is the one woman who made me cry before I saw her. The one woman who has, thus far, spanked me. And the only person, I know, who used chili as a motivator. And this is the story of how I met her...<br />
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I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was 4 years old and free as a bird can be. My mom entered the room. Beaming at me as if she had gotten me a gift. Just like any other kid, my gift-senses started tingling and I ran to my mom to hear the good news, or more importantly, to get the booty she got for me. However, she had other plans. No booty was to be had by me. On the contrary, the seemingly 'good' news she had for me was that (as it's in our culture when we start going to kindergarten) she got me into a class, rather a house, that taught Quran. My reaction? I started crying. Crying as if the world has ended. I felt the horizon close in on me. I can proudly say I didn't throw much tantrums as a kid, but on that day, a tantrum I threw. And it was one hell of a kind! I threw things at my mom. I sat on the floor and stomped my feet. I cried big fat tears. Not the crocodile tears, but frickin huge Oh-God-what-did-I-ever-do-to-deserve-this tears! My mom, as calm as a praying mantis on acid, just laid down on the floor beside me and stayed silent through the ordeal.<br />
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Of course, I lost the war and ended up going to the house. And God, did she scare me! It felt like a jail to me. I take it back. A jail would be better. She kept a stick on one side and one mean looking chili on the other side. I am not talking about a plain chili. No. It was the Mother of all chilies. It was the unholy offspring of Satan, himself. It was huge, red, and mean! Anyway, she never used it on anyone, but it was scary as hell. But the stick, she did use. And use it on me she did. I didn't study the lesson for that day and she spanked me. I think I got about 10 hits. It did not hurt but the humiliation was unrelenting. It did, however, teach me to study my lesson. And she held the record as the only female to have hit me for more than 18 years until my classmate from college punched me for calling her a lesbian.<br />
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Soon, I got used to the whole thing and I grew up to be her favorite student. I made great friends and going to the class soon became my favorite part of the day! Even long after I 'graduated' from the class, I visit from time to time to see her and she would get all mushy touchy dovey with me. I will never forget the way her face lit up every time I went to visit her. She would always greet with my a motherly smile and pat my back as if I were her own. She would hold my hand and never let go as she barraged me with questions. About studies, about job, and about life. I remember our last meeting. It was the ninth of November 2012, some 20 odd years after our first encounter. She had been so sick lately that she could barely recognize me. Once I told her I was her favorite student, she smiled at me. She showed me in and we went and I sat down beside her. Once again, I faced the inquirous blitzkrieg (by now I have learned to answer those questions short and sweet). She asked about my job and told me what little stories she remembered from when I was a student. The best part was that whenever one of her children, grandchildren, or even someone else came, she would introduce me and say that I was her student. She showed me off as a trophy. When it was turn to bid her goodbye, she held my hand, looked me in the eyes and her eyes full of tears and yet smiling, she says, 'Do come again.' And it struck me; she never said a proper goodbye. There were no farewells with her, no goodbyes. Just a promise, a plea to see her again.<br />
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And then the phone call last night. She had passed away. Truly, we belong to Allah and unto Him we return!<br />
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I write this post, not to mourn her passing away, but to celebrate her life. So here is to a lady, who has dedicated her life to educate others. A lady who gave back to the world more than the world cared to give her. I hope that, one day, I can become even half the person you are. To bastardize George Bernard Shaw's quote, life was no 'brief candle' to you, and you burned the splendid torch that is your life, as bright as you could, before you handed it on to future generations. Here is to a great mentor and a great educator. AND A FUCKING AWESOME HUMAN BEING!!! I will never forget what you taught me and I will always treasure your words and your wisdom. It was a pleasure being your student and an even more pleasure knowing you as a person, away from your stick and chili. I am a better person for having known you. The world will miss you. I will miss you. Your memories and your words will live forever in my heart and I shall remember you in this world and the next.<br />
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The following words are from the West Point Alma Mater and it is the least I could do to honor you...<br />
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And when our work is done,<br />
Our course on Earth is run,<br />
May it be said, 'Well Done;<br />
Be Thou At Peace.'<br />
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Until we meet again. Adios...</div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-92146179963201684972012-09-24T21:02:00.000-07:002012-09-25T09:42:44.675-07:00something useful<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Word on <i>Majeedhee Magu</i> is that I have been blogging for quite sometime, and when I look back, I see that my posts have always had a hint of cynicism. So I asked myself while crossing the equator on a plane that had no snakes: why not write something useful for a change? Hence, here I am; with my not so trusted laptop on my desk and typing up from the pages of time, some lessons in life that I hold near and dear to my heart.</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gYgbKaCrcuI/UFsQzr7UYFI/AAAAAAAAASc/h1ArkB0_Qx4/s1600/miyagi-fly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gYgbKaCrcuI/UFsQzr7UYFI/AAAAAAAAASc/h1ArkB0_Qx4/s320/miyagi-fly.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>calm as a monk on morphine - mr. miyagi is the grand sensei of all lessons</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Never throw away the cup you used for alms</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We all go through that phase where we have to watch what adults watch...except porn. It was during one of these musings at a Dhivehi 'movie' when the lead actor's mom, girlfriend, and his best friend dupes him. And the best part is...</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">wait-for-it...</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">the best friend</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> shags our dark knight's girlfriend. So not to be outdone, our heart-broken hero tells his two-timing lass that he still kept the cup he used for alms as a kid. Call me stupid but I have taken these words to heart even as a kid as clueless as a blind man on a dark night. I told myself that no matter what heights I reach, both figurative and literal, I would never forget where I came from.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Prayers will never make you late</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I grew up I was very much closer to my mom as compared to my dad and hence, she bossed me around quite often when it came to simple things. Then again, men were created to being bossed around by women through out their lives. Going back to the subject at hand, I was preparing to go to school and as luck would have it, I had to poop. I am not talking about the 'oh I think I might have to poop but I am not sure' poop. No. This was the 'if I don't poop in the next fraction of a second, I would poop my bowels out on the floor' poop. So after I did that which must not be named, I had a few minutes left to go to school and I still had not prayed. I told my mom that there wasn't enough time to pray and make it to school in time and she said, "You'll never get late because of a prayer." I proceeded to pray and I made it to school on time. Since then, I have tried to never skip a prayer because I might get late to a place.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. Don't wish to be someone else</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would like to start off with a quote from one of my favorite authors, George R. R. Martin. "Never forget what you are, for surely the world will
not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself
in it, and it will never be used to hurt you." No. I did not go into any battles aside from the occasional skirmish against the demonic behemoths known as cockroaches. Anyways, wishing to be someone else...When I was going through college, I had to study history and it was a subject I hated with a passion. I failed the first few tests and there was no silver lining whatsoever on the dark cloud that was history. My roommate on the other hand was having a blast with history. He breezed through every exam as if it was a marshmallow. I was wishing I was him throughout the whole ordeal. Enter sophomore year and physics. I am not the sharpest, but physics, for me, is actually fun. I soared over the physics exams as free as a Nazgul when most of my classmates struggled with it. Then on one fine day someone told me that he wished he could do physics as easily as me. And I learned about being true to myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. Trust your children</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I said children because I learned this lesson from a mom-son perspective. Unlike the aforementioned point about my innocence and being clueless, this happened during the not-so innocent times of my life. I was thirteen and one of my neighbors started a rumor that I tore all my test papers after I got back the results. Needless to say, I was more surprised than offended. But I had to watch out for any possible backlash from my parents. Come that night. My mom called me aside and asked me if what was said about me was true. I said I never did that. That was all I said and my mom believed me. I was surprised. Actually surprised is an understatement. I was shocked. It was my word against the word of a grown up man! She later told me that she trusts her kids first and others second when it comes to such issues and told me to remember it always. Now that I am somewhat grown up, I use it when it comes to dealing with my minions. Trust, it seems, builds more bridges than steel or gold.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Your weakness may one day become your strength</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I grew up, there was one thing I hated with as much passion as earth shattering multiple orgasms: writing. Specially in English. I did it with good reason too. I couldn't write if my life depended on it. Writing an essay was the most gruesome of tasks that could befall me. But today I can say I can write a coherent document without much trouble, and have become somewhat... okay okay...I have become a ruthless grammar Nazi. You might wonder where I am going with all this blabber about not being able to write and all. When I studied, English and Dhivehi were my weakest subjects.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />So there you have it. Some lessons I have learned in my life. My only hope is that it's something useful. Until next time. Adios.</span></div>
useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-80493191870704875402012-07-18T22:19:00.000-07:002012-07-18T22:22:06.713-07:00mistaken identities: the ambergris report<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Note: The following post is inspired by actual documented events.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was at my island for a while, enjoying the white sandy beach with my classmate from college when the news came in: some fishermen found a huge-ass ambergris drifting across our crystal clear blue waters.I was very happy naturally, because my fellow countrymen, who unlike other western non-Islamic countries, are friendly, selfless, and utterly compassionate about their fellow folks, got such a great gift from the greatest treasure the sunny side of life has to offer; the ocean.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More news of ambergris findings throughout the country followed, and for a moment, I was hopeful. Hopeful for my beautiful and harmonious country. There was even talk of ambergris replacing tourism as our 'hen' that lays golden eggs. Though between you and me, that did seem a fair comparison. I mean tourism is as far from an egg as a marshmallow is from a machete. Furthermore, there was speculation that the foreign currency from all the sales would be used to bring down the dollar rate, something the former President Nasheed successfully failed at even up to his eventual disposition.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Moving on, news came once again (pun intended) that all the ambergris turned out to be nothing but animal fat! Alas, my dear reader. People were so content with sharing the revenue equally among themselves. Nobody went to Courts and there were no disputes whatsoever between owners and crew of the boats. Nobody and I mean nobody wanted a bigger share of their possible hard-earned wealth, and in fact, one government official, on the condition of complete anonymity, told me that the ambergris hunters were insisting that their friends get a bigger share! Get a load of that. Where else in the world can you possibly find such homogeneity for the betterment of others? So it's only natural that tears were shed when results came that the metric-butt-load of 'ambergris' was nothing but animal flab.</span><br />
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<i style="font-size: 13px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">as Boromir says, 'one does not simply turn to flab'</span></i>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Needless to say, being the investigative sapiens that I am, I dove deep down into the salty roots of this matter. I hired some top-notch paparazzi (aka Google) to aid me in photography through this bitter and perilous journey to find the person involved in this scandalous of scandals that befell the empathetic people of Maldives, whose zeal is unrivaled on Middle Earth when it comes to being nice to each other. So in an investigative piece of journalism that puts the infamous 'Operation Sunset' to shame, I have discovered the bewildering truth behind the ambergris scandal!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After countless unsuccessful probes, my paparazzi was able to provide me with a picture of the vermin responsible for this utter devastation:</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-k3bmVyLDQX0/UAeKzvTkjiI/AAAAAAAAASM/b0rMX5YL0EE/s1600/triton.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="309" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-k3bmVyLDQX0/UAeKzvTkjiI/AAAAAAAAASM/b0rMX5YL0EE/s320/triton.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">King Triton, the First of his Name, King of Under the Sea and the First Mermaids, Lord of the Five Sea Kingdoms and Protector of the </span></i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>Ambergris</i></span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While evading my calls and texts for what seemed like eternity, I met King Triton and he confessed it was all his doing. Heartbroken and heart-stolen, I asked him why he committed such an atrocity towards the kind and peace-loving people of the Maldives. He blamed everything on this:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>i admit, the title is mayhaps a bit misleading</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It seems, his folks have already spoken against it in many <a href="http://bakhabaru.blogspot.com/2009/09/wataniya-mas-race-under-fire-from-ocean.html">forums</a>, but all the bubbling and blabbing was for naught! And hence, Triton, along with the other mighty wet Gods of the salty seas, decided to stick it in where it hurts and Maldives got punked! "You puny humans duped us with the 'race'", Triton said, "so we decided to give you something that's as useful as nipples on a breastplate. Hah! Have fun with all the useless fat you shitty Maldivians!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Further investigation revealed that Triton made a whale eat goats, cows, and shit, and made it regurgitate the fat, tricking unsuspecting and innocent fishermen into believing it was genuine ambergris. My people didn't deserve this! They are nice people and as a last attempt to make my people happy, I heroically pleaded with his salty majesty to reconsider, but he paid no heed to my cause. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dejected, defeated, and demented, I began my return journey to the surface. The only comfort I got from my investigative journalism is that my paparazzi managed to take a picture of the suspected troll that's reportedly doing the evil bidding for King Triton, who vehemently denies he knows or has anything to do with the suspect.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>maldives police service reports the suspect already has a kushuge record</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until next time. Adios...</span></div>
</div>useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-35537660244962586102012-03-04T00:04:00.008-08:002012-03-07T01:23:47.077-08:006 hidden truths in cartoons<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">Before I get on with the post, I have a few words of caution: This post is not for the weak or the faint of heart. Because I am going to shatter every sweet fairy tale that you have conjured up in your worthless minds after watching cartoons. I intend to offend you into oblivion and a bit more, like no one has ever done before. I am going to rip and twist your beloved cartoons metaphorically and literally from your hearts and minds, and turn them into your worst nightmare! But since you are still reading this, why not finish and see for yourself?</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://th170.photobucket.com/albums/u248/blankiscute/th_emo-heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://th170.photobucket.com/albums/u248/blankiscute/th_emo-heart.jpg" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><i>the faint heart: if your heart looks anything like this, please stop reading!</i></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><i><br />
</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Webster defines <i>fable </i>as "a narration intended to enforce a useful truth; especially: one in which animals speak and act like human beings," and that's what cartoons are supposed to be. However, yes, a big however, you have not seen the "useful" truth behind cartoons. But fear not my dear and undear readers, for I am here to finally present to you the uncovered useful truths about the cartoons as it should have been interpreted. You will learn, by the end of the day, the utter bitter truth. If you are shocked, I intend to shock you and it is for your own good!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is a norm that step-moms are the Satan of all things lovable and huggable in a family. Media further perverse the notion by the many evil depictions of stepmothers and is not limited to just 'seductions' of step children by step-moms in the porn industry. But since porn isn't the topic of the day, I will present to you a stepmother loathed by everyone from their early childhood: Snow White's step-mom.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.papermag.com/blogs/evil-queen_l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://www.papermag.com/blogs/evil-queen_l.jpg" width="150" /></span></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">just look at the contours of her face! such concern for her stepdaughter</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The hidden truth: Stepmothers love you the most! Yes she tried and to some extent succeeded in feeding Snow White a poisoned apple. But she didn't do it to kill her. In fact she was doing the exact opposite. By her act of valor, the stepmother was saving Snow White from being violated by the seven dwarfs. I know it's quite surprising but it is the absolute blunt truth with no exaggeration or lies. The stepmother went as far as to magically disguise herself as an old woman so that Snow White wouldn't know who had ultimately saved her. Such modesty and dedication was rare during that age and time. All the step-mom wanted was to merely preserve Snow White's chastity so that no one but the Prince could deflower her!</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/dvd/Disney/Images/SnowWhite1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="249" src="http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/dvd/Disney/Images/SnowWhite1.gif" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">the look of I-want-to-bone-you on their faces says it all: the title said dwarfs. not snow white and the seven eunuchs</span></i></div><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Sleeping Beauty</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If there is one thing that makes a girl bubbly and weak in her knees, it is the thought of waking up to a prince. As stalkarish and creepy as it sounds, girls love the idea, and cartoons such as Sleeping Beauty, which ironically happens to be the only musical I took part in my whole life, created the ultimate being-woken-up-by-a-kiss-fantasy of every girl. Indeed a stranger with his lips puckered up for a kiss the moment you wake up is nice and romantic, but it IS restraining-order nice! I am not complaining though, because it gives us guys all the more indigenous ways to woo a girl. However, while the message that love prevails beyond sleep, witches and whatnot is mildly hinted by this cartoon, many overlook the truly intended message.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Sleeping-Beauty-Syndrome.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Sleeping-Beauty-Syndrome.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">girl wooing 101: lesson 3 - lip locking</span></i></div><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The hidden truth: We don't have to brush our teeth before we go to bed! Yes my friends and foes. We all remember our parents nagging us since childhood to brush our teeth when we go to bed. That it prevents tooth decay and how bad it would smell if we don't brush. But we are shown in Sleeping Beauty that it is perfectly normal for one to go to bed without brushing. And that too for a 100 years! And when Prince Philip comes on his horse after ass-kicking beasts and magical creatures, he doesn't think twice about savoring the soft luscious lips of the princess who didn't brush her teeth. In his defence, he may not be aware of the oral state of the princess' mouth, but had it been bad, he would have surely broken the kiss after he got a taste of that sweet lass.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hQYUc8GCq2U/T1OoYi3jmeI/AAAAAAAAAR0/W_sGu_xxXdY/s1600/SB.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="217" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hQYUc8GCq2U/T1OoYi3jmeI/AAAAAAAAAR0/W_sGu_xxXdY/s320/SB.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">then again, who'd care about dental jargon when he gets to tap that?</span></i></div><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. Beauty and the Beast</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is rumored that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that love conquers all. This cartoon is intended to be the ultimate proof of that. It follows the life of an arrogant prince whose pride gets him into trouble with one hot witch-babe. But he manages to lift his curse by winning the love of the hottest thang in the universe of Beauty and the Beast: Belle. It's more than a cartoon which shows that appearance or body hair doesn't matter at all, and shows how much one would sacrifice for true love and family.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.disneysonglyrics.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Beauty_and_the_Beast.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://www.disneysonglyrics.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Beauty_and_the_Beast.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">i bet you are thinking how the hell he ended up with such a hottie</span></i></div><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The hidden truth: Girls always go for douchebags! Please don't raise your eyebrows at me. You know that very well, you self righteous hypocrites. The Beast was nothing but a dickhead to Belle. He imprisoned her father who only sought shelter. Then imprisoned her in return. Treated her like trash, and surprise surprise! She falls in love with him. At the end of the story, the witch-babe's curse didn't do much good to rid the Beast of his pride and douchebaggery. The Beast showed that he didn't even need the looks to clutch the sexiest girl in the universe from the handsomest hunk of a man in the same universe: Gaston.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://files.coveringthemouse.com/images/g01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://files.coveringthemouse.com/images/g01.jpg" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">come on belle: look at that and tell me how you could ignore all that meat!</span></i></div><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. Smurfs</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Life is about the survival of the fittest. Species survive based on natural selection. It's a dog-eat-dog world. If you haven't seen any of the last statements in your life, then you'd better read the last line again. OK? Let's get on with it. Smurfs shows a bunch of blue rascals trying to fight or flight against the evil forces of one brilliant mastermind magician aka Gargamel, evading his ploys and tricks to live to fight another day. So the message of the cartoon is crystal clear. If you want to survive, you have to be craftier than the predator and join hands together for survival. If you just nodded, you are right and wrong. I agree that it was A message but once again, you have been fooled my perusing brothers and sisters.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/d/da/Gargamel_and_Azrael_from_the_Smurfs.jpg/250px-Gargamel_and_Azrael_from_the_Smurfs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/d/da/Gargamel_and_Azrael_from_the_Smurfs.jpg/250px-Gargamel_and_Azrael_from_the_Smurfs.jpg" width="165" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">the smurfs had to contend with this menace...</span></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://blog.mummybrain.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/image_1301529063_img_smurfette_home.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="151" src="http://blog.mummybrain.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/image_1301529063_img_smurfette_home.gif" width="200" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">...while their booty was limited to just this!</span></i></div><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The hidden truth: We are put on this world to have sex! Procreation has been a major tenet in all Abrahamic religions, and the same idea is inculcated within us since childhood. Inception much? By now you must have guessed I was going to single out Smurfette. I am not implying that she is a slut, because she is doing it mostly for the survival of her kind and a little bit for pleasure. By some unfortunate luck she just happened to be the only female in the colony surrounded by a hundred azure-donged smurfs. As the saying goes, a gal gotta do what a gal gotta do....</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cegamers.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Smurfs-IMPS-2008-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="110" src="http://cegamers.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Smurfs-IMPS-2008-3.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">do you really believe that this lot sprouted from the ground like mushrooms?</span></i></div><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Little Mermaid</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Little mermaid, similar to some of the aforementioned cartoons, show perseverance in the face of adversity to conquer love. We always sacrifice what we have such as Riches, Fame, Status, and Toys if we want to go progress to the next step of Meslow's hierarchy of needs. So it was only natural that our beloved Ariel would sacrifice her God-given voice for a pair of legs so that she can win the love of Prince Eric and get jiggy with him.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_2X8pssIanLU/TNtVabf8gOI/AAAAAAAAAGU/5pdcZ5zm4ac/s200/ariel+losing+her+voice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_2X8pssIanLU/TNtVabf8gOI/AAAAAAAAAGU/5pdcZ5zm4ac/s200/ariel+losing+her+voice.jpg" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">a woman sacrificing her voice? yes</span></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i15.tinypic.com/4bdxbie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://i15.tinypic.com/4bdxbie.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know what you're thinking (I am afraid I can't show you her goodies)</span></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So the message is quiet clear on this one, right? That love will prevail above all evil. I am afraid that you cannot be more wrong. Little mermaid doesn't show how to win love. It doesn't even show that you should sacrifice to win over one's heart. It gives you a very sexist message. And I hope that you, my fellow and unfellow readers, would forgive me for what I am about to reveal.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The hidden truth: Guys don't want to hear girls talk! That's darn right. Ariel gave up her voice and she need not say a thing for Prince Eric to fall head over heels in love with her. Ariel didn't have to sing or speak sweet nothing into his ears. Once she dazzled Eric with her moneymakers, everything fell into place naturally.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jGwUP4tCjp0/TwQGY2wF_CI/AAAAAAAAAvo/9dVpdtjsI10/s1600/Arial_Eric.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="201" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jGwUP4tCjp0/TwQGY2wF_CI/AAAAAAAAAvo/9dVpdtjsI10/s320/Arial_Eric.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">do you really want Ariel to run her mouth off and ruin the perfect mood?</span></i><br />
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<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. Land Before Time</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ever had to deal with a bully, or for you female types, a bitch? If you answered no, you'll just have to bear with me. That's your punishment for not knowing. The rest of you can relate to how Littlefoot and his companions would have felt through the entire cartoon as they tried to survive the onslaught brought about by this ghastly creature:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.wikia.com/landbeforetime/images/4/4f/Sharptooth!!!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="144" src="http://images.wikia.com/landbeforetime/images/4/4f/Sharptooth!!!.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">they are just kids. bad sharptooth!</span></i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So what did our prehistoric friends do? They killed the mofo! In an epic battle second only to the battle of the Second Bull Run, Littlefoot and his dino-friends finally got rid of the autoerocticismically-challenged son of a bitch.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://thumbs.anyclip.com/tvnLljwap/tmb_3260_480.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://thumbs.anyclip.com/tvnLljwap/tmb_3260_480.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">hasta la vista baby</span></i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes a point of the cartoon was to show if you're a bully karma will find you, and that you'll end up with your family in the end. But (if you haven't guessed already) there is more than meets the eye. And that which did not meet the eye is...</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The hidden truth: Bitches! The real bitch in this cartoon isn't Sharptooth. In fact, it is our three-horned non-stop yapper: Cera. From start to finish she maintains her bitchdom supremacy to cosmic levels. However, the rest of the team put up with her because they knew that if they had to survive, they needed her bitchiness to balance the good and the evil within the team. The Land Before Time is teaching you and your kids that they should tolerate bitches!</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.wikia.com/landbeforetime/images/a/ac/Image;_Sequel_Cera.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://images.wikia.com/landbeforetime/images/a/ac/Image;_Sequel_Cera.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>exhibit a: one bitch to rule them all, one bitch to find them. one bitch to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's enough ranting for one post. Until next time. Adios...</span></div></div></div></div></div>useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-7642184889018387912012-02-23T06:25:00.000-08:002012-02-23T06:25:49.910-08:00#mvsoup<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D8lvks7XDSQ/T0ZLPB6ccFI/AAAAAAAAARs/JcUn7HAiHv4/s1600/Mvsoup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D8lvks7XDSQ/T0ZLPB6ccFI/AAAAAAAAARs/JcUn7HAiHv4/s320/Mvsoup.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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</div>useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2753597318908406356.post-71208823342575826412012-02-16T01:23:00.000-08:002012-02-16T01:23:54.020-08:00food for thought turns three<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Yeah yeah it's been a while since I posted anything. Let us skip the whole shebang, shall we?</span><br />
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<div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Now that we have the formalities out of the way, I would like to point out that it has been 3 years since my </span><a href="http://useful0idiot.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-first-post.html" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">first post</a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">. Food for thought turns three today!</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.nakedauthors.com/uploaded_images/calvinHobbes-724156.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.nakedauthors.com/uploaded_images/calvinHobbes-724156.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>happy birthday to you,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>happy birthday to you,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>happy birthday dear food for thought,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">happy birthday to you</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">.</span></span></i></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Guess it has been sometime huh? A lot has happened in the last three years; for better or for worse. Regimes have ended over the world, new people have been born to replace the dead and yet, life goes on. So here I am to thank thee, my fellow readers, and especially those who comment (some with a lot of nagging ^_^ from me).</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I never intended to blog per se, but I took up blogging upon insistence by my good childhood friend and </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">the hero of some my </span><a href="http://useful0idiot.blogspot.com/2011/09/lord-of-beards-fellowship-of-return-of.html" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">posts</a>. <span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">He is th</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">e unimaginable, the unthinkable, the </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">ever-shining,</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> the evergreen, the never-ending-source-of-awesomeness! Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the dark knight that rises in his pants... Iya!</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Okay. That's enough applause for him.</span></div></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Coming back to topic at hand, the birthday of my blog, I gotta ask: Why are we here on Earth? What is the meaning of life? Do aliens exist? Is time travel possible? Well, I have no freaking clue! Though I still maintain my claim that cockroaches are aliens. Other than that, I am as clueless as a deaf bat on a sunny day.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I guess it would behoove me to write a few things about the ongoing coup/liberation/revolution in our all natural paradise. Here are a few things I want to say, and in Chinese: Yu Dum Fuk!</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Aaaah. That felt good. I leave you with a small token of my appreciation to everyone for sticking with me like a fly stuck to the wind-shield of a speeding car, and to all those that have come, and gone, and comeback again like a raging boomerang. You know who you are. Until next time. Adios...</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5OUdkIobyNg/TzvLNL8zpPI/AAAAAAAAARg/yMtu40p9wXA/s1600/comicbday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="110" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5OUdkIobyNg/TzvLNL8zpPI/AAAAAAAAARg/yMtu40p9wXA/s320/comicbday.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div></div>useful.idiothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10675302218632690326noreply@blogger.com6