Saturday, May 13, 2017

a fond adieu...

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I can write about a person taken from us way too soon. A person who stood up for justice. Tonight I can write about a son. A brother. But most of all, a friend. He was kind. He was intelligent. He was humane. He was unwavering in his cries for our rights. And they killed him.

Tonight I write about the first time I met Yameen. It was during the blogosphere days. I was in college back then and his writings always irked my curiosity. It was how I knew him for the longest time until I met him in person much later. I was meeting with some friends for a coffee and they brought their friends. I always hated when people did that, but I had to play nice. Rilwan was there too. It was the first time I met him in person as well. We discussed how we could make Maldives a better place. We even agreed we could run the country better and had a fun time assigning ministries to all of us. As much as I hated meeting all those strangers at first, I had a fun night. Looking back, I am glad I didn't bail out at the thought of strangers, for they became my friends.

And then the message yesterday more than 20 days ago. Truly, we belong to Allah and unto Him we return!

I don't know how many times I tried to write this post but stopped. How hard it is to put grief into words. How hard it is knowing I would never see him again. There are so many things on my mind I cannot simply write here.

I have always been the first to say condemning an action is not enough. That prayers aren't enough. But tonight, I'm reduced to just venting on here. But no, I am not here to mourn his death. No, sir! That would give too much satisfaction to all the cowards who try to silence his voice. I would rather celebrate his life.

Tonight I want to celebrate his witty sarcastic humor and his never-ending argument with me about British English and American English. We had our disagreements on other issues beyond the best and most complete form of English. But I always respected his principles and his logic. I respected his ability to argue on both sides of issues while remaining impartial. As a friend once told me, his was a beautiful mind. Too bad some can never see past their own dogma.

I would never forget this one incident. We were having dinner at a friend's. While the rest of us sat and rested after a delicious feast, he went to wash the dishes after eating. He was extremely nice like that. I can go on citing various anecdotes about all the things he taught me, but I want to keep those for myself. All I can say is, he changed my views about a few things. I definitely learned from him.

Tonight I want to make a confession. Hey man. I never went to see your face at your funeral. However, I was there when they buried you. I didn't want to see your lifeless body. I hope you'll forgive me for wanting to remember you as the last time we met. It is very selfish of me to remember your face so full of life and smiling. Oh and before I forget, you never called me back about our coffee. You better be ready when we meet again.

So...thank you, my friend. My brother. And fare thee well. It breaks the heart of me to know you're not here. You were one of the very few who stood up for others without a personal agenda. You may have left us, but your voice will live on through us. By silencing you, those cowards have immortalized you. I know nothing can undo the injustice of losing you. And it angers me that you'd wish nothing but a just and fair trial even for the people who ended your life. It humbles me to know you'd still not change your principles after what happened to you. You always valued human life. You were the bravest of us all. When everyone else fled the country in fear for their life, you stayed back. And they killed you for it. This country never deserved you. Right now all I have the strength for is to say I'm a better person for having known you. The world will miss you. I will miss you. I just wish we could have had you for a lot longer than this.

To bastardize J.K. Rowling; we'll remember, if the time should come when we have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy, we will remember what happened to a young man who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of some bullies. We will remember Yameen Rasheed.

Be Thou at Peace.

Until we meet again. Adios...

Monday, May 9, 2016

if harry potter and magic existed in maldives

NOTE: This post is dedicated to everyone who waited for a letter from Hogwarts but never received it because THE STUPID OWL THEY SENT GOT LOST ON THE WAY!

Growing up reading Harry Potter is perhaps the biggest achievement of my life. Okay okay, maybe not the biggest, but it's definitely up there. So, if you're anything like me, you'd have wondered how wonderful it would have been if we lived in a world where fantastic beasts and creatures roamed the world and, last but most importantly: we went to Hogwarts. This morning I gave a lot of thought (the time it takes me to shower) to the subject and I realized  it might not be all that fantastical  to have the magic of the Potterverse in the Maldives.

tu tuuu tu tuuuu tu tuuuuu tuuuuuu tuuuuuu tutututu

1. Number of dark wizards will rise exponentially 

Some argue that the first Maldivians consisted of shipwrecked seafarers, who later ended up making the Maldivian genome. This explains our range of tools when it comes to problem solving: from pretending the problem doesn't exist to doing black magic to kill the other guy.

Let me present 3 real life scenarios and how the person involved solved the problem:
  • Have a problem with your neighbor about who owns the coconut palm, which happens to have his name on it and was owned by his father before him? Answer: Use black magic to kill the dude and claim ownership.
  • Ever wanted to shag your handsome hunk of a colleague who's already married to someone else? Use black magic to seduce the guy into courting you.
  • And most importantly...did your football team ever have a match they really needed to win? USE BLACK FUCKING MAGIC!

good luck porking dhaleyka now!

The point I'm trying to make is that we are sort of dicks to people if we don't get things our way whether we can do magic or not! Makes you reassess whether you really want everyone you know, especially your frenemies, be able to do magic, huh? To be honest, I won't be surprised if Maldives has more dark wizards than the entire population of Slytherins who graduated Hogwarts.

2. From a paradise for tourists to a paradise for stalkers

The modus operandi for most Maldivian men to court prospective females is to harass them. This includes but is not limited to stalking them, stalking their families, calling them on their phones, calling their friends, learning their schedule and popping up everywhere they went, and finally, buying gifts to appeal to their materialistic side. Sad as it may sound, sometimes this works. Now imagine you have a crush on Aisha down the street. You absolutely love everything about her. The way she smiles shyly as she fights to keep her veil in place on a windy day. The way her dark brown eyes are so full of life as she sips her coffee. Her ever so inviting lips as she smiles at her baby sister. The way her bodysuit hugs her curves as she prepares to go to gym. You know, the whole package.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if you had a way of knowing where she was without having to follow her everywhere?

a stalker's dream!

The Maraauder's Map is an excellent tool for every stalker, but what if there was a way you could watch your stalkee without having to follow them around? I'm talking, of course, about polyjuice potion. With polyjuice potion you could just look at your crush's body as bare as the day she was born without any need of actually getting her to date you. Sounds disturbing, doesn't it? It gets worse in two words: Revenge porn! Imagine you're my good friend Ahmed who was caught cheating on his fiance. She could just use some of Ahmed's hair to become Ahmed and make a scandalous video to ruin Ahmed's hard-earned reputation.

dammit, ginny! how many times do i have to tell you that it's cho in that picture?

Here's an even more disturbing caveat to the polyjuice potion brewing business. What if you needed a hair of the person you wanted to turn into and the only hair on his body was his anal pubes?

[I know you Potterheads are thinking I made a goof here. I'm aware that we can use any bit of the person we wanted to turn into when using polyjuice potion. But I really wanted to make you cringe at the thought of drinking the essence of someone's ass hair.]

3. We'll bring more to the supremacist movement

If there's one thing we are good at, it's being pompous assholes. The kindest thing we do for our fellow human is letting them know if the headlight of their cycle is on during the day. That's it! It's because we love to look down on others based on their skin color, family, island, political views, religious views, wealth, and well, anything that we can pull off to show we are superior to them. In fact, I would go as far as to say our xenophobia will make the Malfoys seem like baby unicorns. Factor into this the pure-blood supremacy movement in the Harry Potter world.  Not to mention the way most wizards feel about other magical creatures, and the way they treat their own who are cursed into becoming a werewolf. We all remember the hysteria when the parents of Hogwarts students found out that Lupin was a werewolf. And these are the good guys! So all we need is a dash of our supremacy feuds to fuel this already volatile magical world.

mmm mmmmmmm i can really taste the tears

Let's not forget all the shit the wizards and witches already had to contend with during the Goblin Rebellions of 1612 as a result of the discrimination against our grumpy friends. Add to this all the discrimination we are bringing to this game and I'll go out on a limb and say we'll have nifflers rebelling against us in no time. And they're like at the bottom of the wizard food chain beneath Neville Longbottom's toad Trevor!

4. A know-it-all but not a do-it-all

During our (in)significant life in this world, we all come across at least one person who is a know-it-all. They're pesky at times. They butt in when not invited. Worst of all: they have an answer to everything. Do we know someone like that in Potterverse?

But to be fair to Hermione, she does actually know what the fuck she's talking about. On top of that, she doesn't back down when it comes to practicing what she preached. Still, it doesn't change the fact that she knows everything and makes you feel as useless as nipples on the Batsuit.

Think of how you would feel if everyone around you was like her. That, my kind and unkind readers, is what we offer, albeit with a minute difference; unlike our bushy-haired heroine and the champion of the Muggle feminist movement, we don't know shit! We are all full of hot air and criticize and comment as if we know everything when tragedy strikes, but do nothing to prevent a crisis or to help anyone.

ignorance is truly bliss

5. Say bye bye to the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy

The magical community came up with this law in 1689 in fear of persecution by Muggles, who are notoriously famous for being scared of anything they cannot understand. In this regard, magic meets the criteria right beside math! I bet...all it would take for this 300 plus years old secret to be exposed is a day, give or take a few hours, if we have magical folks in the Maldives.

Why? Because we're second to none at gossiping.

That's correct! We love talking about others. It necessarily doesn't even have to be juicy (the juicier the better though). So yeah, we are big on talking and spreading rumors regardless of consequences. If I am to make a guess, I'll say we'll end up using curses to make sure people who rat us out are stopped or at the least, identifiable.

better get used to this quickly

6. We'll learn about the power of love

For the uninitiated, the above watchful wand wielding warmhearted witty warlock is the Undisputed Flamboyant Wizarding Champion of the World and Defender of Muggles Albus "The Professor" Dumbledore, Headmaster Extraordinaire at Large of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And if there's one thing Professor D. insists, it's that the most powerful of magic is love. While I don't know enough magic to counter his point, it's remarkable that he was able to bring about the very end of the baddest of all wizards: Lord Voldemort.

enough power to achieve immortality and voldy was stupid enough to not see this coming back to bite his dark tush??!!

In short, Dumbledore emotionally blackmailed Snape, champ of every one in the friend-zone, to turn on the aforementioned Dark Lord and help a tween, aka the fruit of the loins of Snape's sweetheart and his nemesis, complete the job. Not to mention that Dumbledore was...fight the feels...FIGHT THE FEELS!!...when Dumbledore was...was...dead...for a whole year while Harry Potter took the battle to the big V. If that's not powerful magic, I don't know what is.

7. You can be a complete dick and still be a hero

How nice would it be if we could be ourselves and still be a hero? One of our favorite characters from Harry Potter did just that! In short, Severus Snape pissed on Uncle Ben. He not only duped the Dark Lord, but did it while making a life living hell for the hero who was destined to slay him. Every single reader hated Snape with a vengeance until the very last minute, even more than Lord Voldy. I'd say only Dolores Umbridge could trump Snape.

...and this is the closest i've gotten to boning her

The question is, how is this helpful to us Maldivians? For starters, we wouldn't think twice about befriending an enemy if it would cause the downfall of another. Just look at the alliances in the political arena. Heck, look at your own family for crying out loud. There'll be all those arguments and whatnot, but out of nowhere, everything is forgotten and they suddenly have more affection for each other than Dobby had for mismatched socks!

To sum up, it seems that living in a magical world would be interesting as hell but at the end of all things, it'll only bring out the best and the worst in us. I guess...on second thought, maybe magic might teach us a thing or two about becoming better people; if only we knew where to look.

until then, have fun hexing each other!


Monday, December 14, 2015

to kill a cocking roach

Last night I returned home after a night of wandering in the concrete jungle that is our capital. Tired and sweaty from climbing all the stairs because we don't have a lift even though we live on the millionth floor of a building. Anyway, no sooner had I gone into my room and closed the door, I thought I heard a faint twitch. But the sound of my labored breathing was louder and I paid no heed. I went over to the closet to wear something more comfortable and there was the twitching again! Only this time, I heard it. The twitching continued and it was louder. I didn't need to turn around to know what it was lurking in my room. However, I did turn and there it was: all my fears in the form of cockroach! It was huge! 2 inches and on the wall beating its wing. Mocking me.

ello governer, where's joe?

Now..if you've known me, you'd know I have a phobia of cockroaches and it's not something I'm ashamed of admitting. Barely thinking, I did what any brave person would do. After all, one is only brave when one is truly afraid. I dashed out of my room! As the door closed behind me, I heard the behemoth of a cockroach, which was the size of a fist, fly onto the adjacent wall. I ran to check the supplies under the sink to check for any weapon I could use against this uninvited guest. If you've watched any horror movie, you'd know what I would find once I opened the sink cabinet: absolutely nothing. We had run out of insecticide! As luck would have it, I found a stain remover and figured it was better than nothing.

I grabbed a broom with my free hand and went to my room which has become a dungeon of doom where nothing but death awaited. Death for the cockroach..I hoped. I carefully opened the door and the cockroach was flying around the room. Flying from one wall onto the other. As if it could sense the impending battle. I tried to walk to the middle of the room to see if I could get a shot at this pesky roach, but the walls were too faraway as the stain remover had a very short range. I'm pretty sure the roach knew I couldn't kill it without getting close and kept on flying shamelessly over my head but never getting close enough for me to get a clear shot. I did what any sane person would do. I ran out of the room again.

#@!*$&% again???!!

I rechecked all the cabinets in the kitchen to see if I could have missed something. Alas. Luck was not with me this night. I slowly walked to my room and opened the door. And the cockroach, this imbecile of an insect, was on the wall. Watching my every move. It was time for Plan B. I woke up my designated roach killer, The roach killer is normally Plan A but I didn't want to wake the killer. So I made all kinds of noises and cat calls until the roach killer finally awakened. I showed the roach which was now sitting on the wall near the headboard of the bed. The roach killer looked at the cockroach and went back to sleep. Exasperated at how the killer could chose to ignore a cockroach the size of a chicken, I looked up to the heavens and the cockroach was there too! I ran out of the room again and I looked into the next room. I saw a faint light. Could it be? Hope?

I peered inside and I saw my brother in law, probably conversing with his better half on his handheld telephone via text messaging. The following conversation took place between us -

Me: Hello.
Bil: Hey bro!
Me: It's me from the other room.
Bil: What's up?
Me: I was wondering if you were free to kill a roach for me
Bil: Where's the roach killer?
Me: I must have called a thousand times.
Bil: OK Bro! Let me help you.

So together, we went back into my room and I told him the only way to kill the enemy, a giant cockroach the size of a small goat, which was dancing in my room: knock it down and drown it in stain remover. Knock and spray! We repeated. Knock and spray! I slowly backed towards the door and watched. Nervous, I watched Bil face the cockroach. Prepared to abandon ship and runaway should things take a turn for the worse.

Bil tried to hit it and missed! The cockroach was fast! He tried again. Missed again. The third time Bil changed tactic and tried to whack the roach like a baseball, because who could miss hitting a flying cockroach the size of a grown man? Alas! Bil was too slow for the cockroach evaded the attack again. But then, something the cockroach did not intend happened.

It flew into the fan and there, on the sharp blades of my KDK ceiling fan, met its doom. The blade cut the cockroach cleanly in half. I ran to the center of the room and there it was.

not so mighty now, eh??

One half of it was near the bed. I thanked Bil and bade him farewell and went to search for the other half of the roach. I walked along the wall and found the remaining half. One of its legs was moving still. How scary to be cut in half and still be alive! I took the broom and bravely swept the cockroach away. And just like that, my room was free again, all thanks to my ceiling fan and my brave Bil.

Please go to Sun Front (majeedhee magu) and buy a fan if you're afraid of cockroaches like me and want to do all you can to defend against cockroaches. I have the larger model. Costs around 900 Rufiyaa. You can thank me by passing this message.

Until next time. Adios...

Sunday, November 22, 2015

mysterious virus plagues the nation of maldives

MALE' CITY, Maldives -- The World Health Organization (WHO) has been on continued alert to monitor spontaneous outbreaks of dangerous diseases in different parts (read: third world countries) of the globe following the latest outbreak of Ebola earlier this year. It seems like WHO's perseverance in monitoring these risks has finally paid off. The organization released a statement late last night as a mysterious disease has been discovered in the Maldives. This grave news was followed by the alarming news as scientists disclosed that this disease has been endemic to Maldives for centuries. Despite the suddenness and mystery that surrounds the discovery, what baffled the medical community the most has been the peculiar effects of this menacing disease: impregnating women!

Authorities have not yet named the disease, but the pathogen responsible for this life altering condition has been identified and labeled as the Human Gravidaphage Virus (HGV). The name Gravidaphage comes from the Latin word 'gravido' meaning impregnate and the Greek word 'phagous' meaning devouring. WHO informed they decided to name the virus as a -phage because the disease ends up 'eating the life away' of the patient.

an electronic microscopic photo shows a group of HGV attacking the ovum of a female patient

Scientists and doctors from renown medical universities and hospitals flocked to the Maldives to study the effects of the virus. Dr. Ahmed, the resident gynecologist cum urologist at the biggest private hospital in the Maldives met with reporters on behalf of the investigating team of experts and explained their findings to this point.

"Our observations indicate it's possible that HGV is a gender-based virus as all HGV positive patients have been females thus far. Also...There hasn't been any reports of transmission between humans yet." Dr. Ahmed also explained that the team will conduct tests to observe how the virus affects a male mouse. "We are already working on finding a vaccine, but at the same time, we are trying to identify the chances and prepare for a cross-gender jump to males. And should that happen, take possible precautions."

HGV has been found to be aggressive even when dormant

"What we have is a very unique pathogen. While we are unable to tell the exact origin of the virus or how it originated in Maldives, our team finds it amazing that the virus keeps on attacking until the ovum or more commonly known as the egg, becomes fertilized." Dr. Ahmed explained. Everyone who contracted the virus has thus far been unable to completely get rid of the virus. "In effect, you can say that a single virus is able to make a woman pregnant but we don't know how many times it could potentially occur as the virus tends to become dormant for periods." Records show that a patient could be found positive for HGV, get pregnant, and give birth, but get pregnant again years later. Numbers show that some patients went through as many as 3 of these dormant-active cycles. He further revealed that the dormant and active period of the virus was completely random.

No one has yet been able to identify how all these women contracted the virus in the first place. It's one aspect of the investigation that the doctors and scientists have differing opinions. Dr. Yoosef, an astronomer, believes that the virus is transmitted through an animal. "This virus has been in this country for long. We cannot tell anything for sure without knowing who was patient zero. However, I believe it is a vector borne virus. There just isn't any other way for the virus to be endemic to the Maldives for centuries. The only possible explanation is that an animal that is only found in the Maldives is a host of the HGV."

Dr. Ahmed, on the other hand, opposes the hypothesis. "I'm not saying that he is wrong. It's possible that he's right too, but he's just an astronomer. What did he do to come to that conclusion? Consult the stars? I think we need the medical experts to handle this."

a close-up of the human gravidaphage virus during the active period (photo credits: Tylon - ZBrushCentral)

While it's obvious that this newly discovered virus will cause clashes in academia, everyone needs to work together as the virus has a tendency to cause false positives. That is, someone could actually just be pregnant and not HGV positive. "The problem is that pregnant women and HGV positive women show the same symptoms." Dr. Ahmed told reporters. "Once we discovered the virus, we almost had a nationwide panic as every pregnant woman in the country could possibly be carrying HGV."

Authorities and everyone concerned are working on a possible procedure to correctly identify HGV positive patients. "We know the theory behind all this," a very convinced Dr. Yoosef told reporters after the news conference. "Hypothetically speaking..if you were a woman and you happen to be pregnant, what could you ask yourself? Who the father is, no? All we need to do is build a device that would enable us to test the validity of your claim. We just need a way to test the DNA of the embryo and compare whether it matches the man who you claim is the father. I'm sure we can build this device within 4 to 5 years if we all work together."

Even Dr. Ahmed agrees to the idea as long as the virus doesn't start affecting males. "I'm afraid I have to agree with Dr. Yoosef as long as the patients aren't males. However, I would consider the fact that with the exception of a few outliers...all HGV positive patients have not been married at the time of contraction of the virus. If we use that as a start, we could start eliminating false positives within weeks with 90% accuracy!"

While Maldives, and the world, faces an uncertain future, the biggest advantage we have over the Human Gravidaphage Virus is that it has been contained in the Maldives all these years. Only time will tell how things turn out.

Until next time. Adios...

Sunday, November 8, 2015

man's life is ruined after ex leaks nudes

Ahmed started his day like any other day. He got out of bed after hitting the snooze button for the third or fourth time. He managed to go through the three s's; shit, shave, and shower, without much of a hassle despite being half awake. But alas, the day was not meant to be normal by any means. By the time Ahmed reached his office, the life of this 21-year old aspiring writer had turned upside down.

Turns out his girlfriend has leaked nude pictures of him after a messy break up. It all started with a frantic call from his aging mother. The first words out of her mouth were words of condemnation and shame. Ahmed couldn't even catch the slur of words his mother threw at him. What he did manage to catch was about the shame he has brought his family and the statement that Ahmed was no longer his mother's child.

Now, this was right before he left for work on his cycle. He bought it on an installment scheme and he still had 11 months left on his payment. By the time Ahmed reached office, he had received more than 50 notifications. You see, not only did his ex leak Ahmed's picture. She took the time to tag him on Facebook and Twitter. She also wrote down his contact details. When he checked Facebook, he saw all kinds of comments from females who saw his picture. They were commenting on his body and his private organs. A few of the comments though, were shaming him. And calling him a show off and a slut for taking nude pictures. Ahmed had also received no less than 25 friend requests in a matter of minutes. They were all from females, no doubt looking for an easy lay.

Ahmed never stopped to second guess going to work amidst the ensuing chaos. He couldn't afford to lose his jobs to make his loan payments. Without thinking, he entered his office. Ahmed came face to face with his boss, Mrs. Aishath, who immediately called him to her office. The last thing Ahmed saw before he entered Aishath's office was his colleagues whispering and giggling.

Once inside, Aishath explained the company policy to Ahmed. She explained that once the case of his nude photos come into light, the company would have no choice but to let him go and forfeit his pension and all. However, Aishath said that Ahmed could get some compensation for services rendered if he resigned on his own. Ahmed tried to plead his case. He tried to explain that he sent the picture while they were dating and that his ex promised to delete the picture after looking at it. Ahmed also tried to state that he hasn't even being found guilty by the authorities. Aishath said there was nothing she could do, but she hesitated as if having second thoughts, and asked Ahmed to meet her at her apartment when her husband wasn't around. Aishath made it clear that it wasn't a promise but that she would do everything to make sure Ahmed kept his job. Of course, provided that Ahmed cooperated with her.

Having reluctantly agreed to meet his boss later that day, Ahmed walked over to his cubicle. Head down. Ahmed sat down and let everything that had happened in the last hour or so sink in. His world has come apart. He will need to work hard to get out of this mess.

Ahmed's thoughts were interrupted by a notification on the computer in front of him. He had an email. It was from one of his female colleagues. He opened the attachment in the email. The subject said "what's your rate?" and the image that opened on the screen would later make him puke.

It was the first ever picture he had sent. Ahmed wished it was the only one he did. But he had loved and trusted his girlfriend blindly and sent her all kinds of scandalous pictures. After a few minutes, Ahmed logged onto Facebook again. The number of friend requests were increasing and he had more messages from strange women than he would care to count. However, one of the messages caught his attention. It was from a girl who just shared a link.

Dreading what he would find, Ahmed clicked it. It took him to one of the infamous Maldivian groups on Facebook that posted nude pictures of guys. In this group, all the girls would call them sluts while secretly trying to get into the guy's pants, and continue to publicly shame their indecency. Sometimes they would even share contact details. Ahmed saw a plethora of his photos plastered across the page. Each picture was accompanied by a variety of filthy comments.

Despite the nature of the comments, Ahmed was a bit happy to see some people took his side and tried to explain Ahmed was a victim. But these comments were few and most of them were crowded out by comments from people saying that Ahmed shouldn't have shared his pictures in the first place and that the purpose of shaming Ahmed was to make sure he wouldn't do it again. The girl who was the admin of this group had written a message to Ahmed as well: "We will remove your pictures once you apologize to us in public for sending nude pictures. What you did was forbidden in Islam and this is your punishment. Apologize to us and we will remove your pictures!"

Ahmed knew he had no choice in this matter and he started to slowly type the apology requested by the group. The non-stop notifications from his phone and his email accompanied the sound of the key strokes on the keyboard. It made a catchy tune but it was a sad one. For Ahmed, it was a song about changing his life and changing the way he dressed. It was a song about moving onto a different island to get away from all the lust-filled eyes of every woman who has seen Ahmed's pictures. And while he was still typing, his boss messaged him, "Come over to my place, I'm waiting for you."

"This happened to me," said no guy ever.
Until next time. Adios...

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

އެޕާރޓްމަންޓެއް ވިއްކާނެއްބާ

ނޯޓް: މިލިޔުމުގައި ސިފަކޮށްދީފައިވާ މަންޒަރުތަކާއި ވާހަކަތަކަކީ ޙަޤީޤި ހާދިސާތަކެއްގެ މައްޗަށް ބިނާކޮށް، ފޮނިތޮށްޓާއި ކާފޫރުތޮޅި އަޅައިގެން، ގެނެސްދީފައިވާ މަންޒަރުތަކާއި ވާހަކަތަކެކެވެ.


ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ..........
އަހަރެން: އައްސަލާމް ޢަލައިކުމް
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: .........
އަހަރެން: ހަލޯ!! ހަލޯ!! އަޑުއިވޭތަ؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: (ރުންކުރު ފާޑަކަށް) އާނ. ކިހިނެތްވީ؟
އަހަރެން: އަޅުގަނޑު މިގުޅާލީ އައިބޭގައި ކުއްޔަށްދޭން އެޕާރޓްމަންޓެއް ޖަހާފަ އޮތީމަ އެތަން ބަލާލަންވެގެން
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: މިރޭ އަށެއް ޖަހާއިރު އޮލިމްޕަސް ކުރިމައްޗަށް އާދޭ
އަހަރެން: އެންމެ ރަގަޅު. ޝުކުރި...
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: (ފޯނު ބާއްވައިފި)



ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާނ. ކީކޭ؟
އަހަރެން: ހަލޯ
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކާކު ތީ؟
އަހަރެން: މިއަދު ހެނދުނު ގުޅީމެއްނު އަޅުގަނޑު. އެޕާރޓްމަންޓް ބަލަންވެގެން. އޮލިމްޕަސް ކައިރިއަށް އައިސް
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: މިހާރު ބޭރުގަ. އަހަރެން އިރުކޮޅަކުން ގުޅާނަން
އަހަރެން: އާނ އޯކޭ

ޖެހިގެން އައި ދުވަހު ހެދުނު


އަހަރެން: ހަލޯ! ރޭގަ ކިހިނެއް ހެދީ؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކީކޭ؟ ތީ ކީއްކުރާމީހެއް؟
އަހަރެން: އެޕާރޓްމަންޓް ކުއްޔަށްހިފަން. ރޭ ގުޅާނަމޭ ބުނީމެއްނު
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެތަން މިހާރަކު ނެތް
އަހަރެން: އެއީ ކީއްވެތޯ؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެހެންމީހަކަށް ކުއްޔަށްދީފިން
އަހަރެން: އައްދޭ! ތީދެން ވަރަށް ހެއްވާގޮތެއް. ދެން ނެތްތަ ކުއްޔަށް ދޭ ތަނެއް؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާން ނެތް. (ފޯނު ބާއްވައިފި)



ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ހަލޯ!
އަހަރެން: Hello. I saw your ad on iBay
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: Hello hello. Yes it's available. I have many places for rent
އަހަރެން: Oh
ގޭގެވެރިފަރާތް: Very cheap price. I give you discount for furniture too
އަހަރެން: That's great! Tell me a good time to go check the place
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: You tell time. I pick you on my cycle
އަހަރެން: Let's go now. I am near Olympus
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: Good. I go now
އަހަރެން: Awesome! Thank you
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: No no no. Thank you very much

އޮލިމްޕަސް ކައިރިން

އަހަރެން: (ސަލާމް ކޮށްލަން އަތްދިއްކޮށްލަމުން) ކޮބާ ކިހިނެތްތޯ؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އޭނ؟؟ ތީކާކު؟
އަހަރެން: އިއްޔެ ގުޅިމެންނުންތޯ އެޕާރޓްމަންޓް ކުއްޔަށްހިފަން
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެހެންތަ؟
އަހަރެން: އާނ. ކޮބާ ނެތްތަތަނެއް މިހާރު؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާނ. ނެތް ހަމަ. ވަރަށް ތާށި ތަންތަން.
އަހަރެން: އެކަމު ދެންމެ އަހަރެން ގުޅީމަ ތިބޭފުޅާ ބުނި އެބަހުއްޓޭ. އެތަން ދައްކަން އެމީހާ ބަލައެއްނު ތިޔައީ އަސްލު
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކަލޭތަ ވާހަކަ ދެއްކީ އިނގިރޭސިބަހުން؟
އަހަރެން: އާނ. ތިބޭފުޅާ އަޅުގަނޑަށް ދޮގުހެދީނު
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަހަރެން ދެނީ ހަމައެކަނި ބޭރުމީހުންނަށް
އަހަރެން: އަހަރެންވެސް ހަމަ އެވަރަށް ކުލި ދައްކަފާނަމޭ
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: (އިރުކޮޅަކު ވިސްނަންހުރެފަ) ކުއްޔަށްދޭ އެޕާރޓްމަންޓަކީ ތިންސަތޭކަ އަކަފޫޓުގެ ތަނެއް.
އަހަރެން: ސިޓިންގ ރޫމެއް ހުރޭތަ؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަސްލު މިއީ ކޮޓަރިއެއް. ކޮޓަރީގެ އެއްކޮޅުގަ ކައްކާ ކެވޭގޮތަށް ހަދާފަ ހުންނާނީ. ބޭނުމިއްޔާ ސޯފާ ބަހައްޓަންވީ
އަހަރެން: ފާހަނަޔޯ؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ފާހާނަ ހުންނާނީ ބޭރުގަ. އެއީ ޖެހިގެން ހުރި އެޕާރޓްމަންޓްގެ މީހުންވެސް ބޭނުންކުރާ ފާހާނާ
އަހަރެން: އެހެންދޯ؟ ކިތައްވަނަ ބުރި؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: 6 ވަނަ ބުރި. ލިފެޓެއްނުހުރޭ
އަހަރެން: ހމމ...ކުައްޔަކީ..
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކުއްޔަކީ މަހަކަށް އެންމެ 5000 ރުފިޔާ. އެޑްވާންސްއަކީ 480000 ރުފިޔާ
އަހަރެން: 480000 ރުފިޔާ!!
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަސްލު ވާގޮތަކީ އެޕާރޓްމަންޓުގެ އަސްލު ކުއްޔަކީ 13000. ދެން އަހަރެން މަހަކު 5000 އަށް ހަދާފަ ބާކީ 8000 ފަސް އަހަރަށް ބަހާފަ މިނަގަނީ އެޑްވާންސަށް.
އަހަރެން: އޯކޭ
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ކަލޭ ފަރުނީޗަރު ބޭނުންތަ؟
އަހަރެން: އޭރުން ކުއްޔަކީ ކޮބާ؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ފުލީ ފާނިޝްކޮށްފަވިއްޔާ 20000 ރުފިޔާ. އެޑްވާންސް ހަމަ ކުރިޔެކޭ އެއްގޮތަށް 480000
އަހަރެން: މައްސަލައެއް ނެތް
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އެތަން ބޭނުމިއްޔާ އަހަރެން އެޑްވާންސް ލާރި ބޭނުންވާނެ މިހަފްތާނގަ. ތަން ލިބޭނީ ތިން މަސް ފަހުން
އަހަރެން: ކީކޭ؟؟!
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އާނ. އެތަން ހުސްވާނީ ތިން މަސް ފަހުން. ދެން ކަލޭ ބޭނުމިއްޔާ ތަން ރެނޮވޭޓް ކުރަންވީ
އަހަރެން: އޭރުން ކުލިން އެހެންނޫނީ އެޑްވާންސް އިން ކަނޑާނަންތަ؟
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: ނޫން. ރެނޮވޭޝަނަށްދާ ފައިސާ ކަލެޔަށް އަނބުރާ ދޭނަން ކުށްޔަށްދޭ މުއްދަތު ހަމަވީމަ.
އަހަރެން: ތިކަމާ ކުޑަކޮށް ވިސްނާލަންޖެހޭނީ
ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އަވަހަށް ވިސްނާ. އެހެންމީހަކުވެސް އެބަހުރި މިތަން ބޭނުންވާ. އޭނާ އެބަ ބުނޭ އެއްފަހަރާ ފަސް ލައްކަވެސް ދީފާނަމޭ. އެކަމު އެއީ ދެން ރާއްޖެތެރޭ ބޮޑު އާއިލާއެއް. މުޅި ގެ ހީވާނީ ގޮޑެއްހެން އެމީހުން އައިސް.
އަހަރެން: އެހެންވީމާ އެގްރީމެންޓްގަ ސޮއިކުރަން ވީމަ ގުޅާ

ދެ ދުވަސް ފަސް


ގޭގެ ވެރިފަރާތް: އޭ. މިހާރު އެބަހުރި އެއްފަހަރާ 9 ލައްކަ ދީފަ އެތަން 10 އަހަރަށް ނަގަން ބޭނުންވާ މީހެއް. ކަލޭ އަދިވެސް އެތަން ބޭނުންތަ؟

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

things i learned going through the education system in the maldives

According to Nelson Mandela, education is the greatest weapon with which to change the world. So now that I have gone through some stages of education, I want to take the time to pause and reflect on how well I have been prepared to become the stallion that mounts the world. For all intent and purposes, I'll be focusing on my time going through the education system in the Maldives.

okay..maybe I'm not a stallion yet

1. Fear of being wrong

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that we go to school to do something I would like to call learn. So there I was. It was the first week of grade 1 and we were going through a lesson. We were doing a mini reading comprehension and the teacher asked the class what the girl in the passage we were reading about wrote in her note book. I already read the lesson the night before so I thought I knew the answer. My hand shot up and I told the teacher what I thought was the correct answer. Apparently it wasn't. The teacher got angry at me and scolded me: "Why are you lying?!!!" I was young but I knew it was a genuine mistake and the fact that she chose to tell me I was lying rather than my answer was wrong bordered on insanity. This wasn't a one time incident but in short, it's fair to say the whole education system is build on right answers vs wrong answers. It wasn't until I started grade 9 physics that I learned from my tuition teacher that right or wrong answers didn't matter as much as using the correct methodology.

2. Discrimination

I was in grade 4. We had a girl in our class who had very dark skin, and because we were all brought up in society to be generous assholes when it came to skin color, we avoided her. I'm not saying we were taught that being dark was bad. We were taught that being fair was beautiful and into our young and innocent minds, it translated as: dark = yucky. The teacher didn't help either. If one of us boys were being too loud in the class, we had to sit down next to her. Needless to say that I spent a good amount of the academic year seated next to her as punishment and I hated the girl for that. Furthermore, discrimination wasn't just limited to skin color. If we had a kid from a rich family or a noble (read: beyfulhu) family, they get special treatment from the teacher and this irresponsible behavior from teachers and the school staff was very much out in the open.

3. Looking after yourself

When I was in grade 5 I had my first foreign teacher and boy was he scary! He was rather unorthodox compared to the teachers I had before. For example, he was the only teacher I met who punished a student and then later took them aside to ask them how they were doing. He had one interesting pet peeve. We went to school in the morning and all the desks and chairs were always dusty as hell. Not to mention the students from the afternoon session rearranged the desks everyday to their teacher's preference. Hence, every morning at 6, four of us had to go to clean the classroom and rearrange the desks. We did that for the whole year. It was an interesting and a completely new experience to clean the classroom because we were used to our classrooms being cleaned and arranged by the time we already came to class.

4. You feel like you're studying for the sake of studying

The biggest complain I had during my secondary education was studying things that I felt were useless in the real world. Especially when studying mathematics. I remember one day, my math teacher was teaching us matrices and I asked what a matrix was used for. What did the teacher say? "You'll learn it later." And this was the answer I got every time I asked any teacher about the purpose of a certain lesson. One time, in a calculus class, we challenged the teacher why using imaginary numbers worked. This time the teacher gave even a better answer than my previous teachers. "Sometimes you'll have to trust me and believe things because I said so." Yup! We weren't taught to think. We were indoctrinated to do things just because we were told to do so. However, I did manage to find out the use of matrices when I took 3D graphics in college. (TL; DR: Computers used matrices to do computations on its graphics cards.) I still can't believe why my math teacher couldn't tell me that.

ahem....I also learned where babies came from :-)

5. Unfair punishment/treatment

If you're reading this I'll assume you've gone to some form of school and have been punished. The thing about getting punished in my experience is that it's never fair. How unfair? This one time I was in class when someone threw an egg on to the ceiling. The egg came from outside and I was busy talking to a friend when it happened. Being the good Samaritans that we were, we went to the school office and reported it. Next thing we know, we had to return to school office after school and the two deputy/assistant principals at the time "Nafa" Naseem and "Gahaa" Saeed made us kneel down on the ground and write what happened. I told a nearby supervisor that we were the people who reported what happened. Then Mr. Naseem, who everyone at school hated for being a glorious stinky piece of shit-filled asshole, told us that he wants to show us who's boss, and that's saying it very eloquently (miadhu beynumee kaleymennah hey aruvaalan). Another incident that I'll never forget is from when I was in grade 1. We had a kid who was considered a little crazy (See? we discriminated even then. Looking back I'm sure the kid was normal cos he grew up to be a fine intelligent man) and one day he was chasing this girl with a broom. Everyone in the class were assigned to groups and I was the group leader to which she belonged. I don't know what I was thinking but I tried to stop the kid and somehow we ended up sandwiching the girl between us and she got hit with the broom. Needless to say she started crying and Lo and behold! A supervisor showed up. He asked the class what happened and everyone pointed at me. I explained what happened down to every detail and the supervisor scolded me and I'm pretty sure he made me stand still at my desk. One silver lining from this whole thing: I learned at a younger age that life wasn't going to be fair to me and I managed to learn to live around the system.

punish me if you must. cos I can take it.

6. Always carry a pen with you if meeting someone important

I just finished grade 10 and I went back to get recommendation from the school principal to get into grade 11. I was in the principal's office to get the report from him and he showed me that there was a portion on the form where I forgot to fill. I asked him to borrow a pen and he said, "No". I was startled and not sure I heard him correctly, I asked him if he wasn't going to lend me a pen. He said he wouldn't and he said it with a smile. I muttered a curse under my breath and went to find a pen from elsewhere. I later met with a classmate and shared what happened at the principal's office. My classmate laughed and told me that he had the same experience and that the principal told him that he should always carry a pen when going to meetings. In the spirit of full disclosure, I didn't fully learn this lesson until I finished college.

7. I only started learning when I began to enjoy studying

Now in grade 11 and till then, English was my weakest subject. I even straight up failed English in my O Level exams. Anyway, I had this wonderful teacher in Grade 11. She made us write what we wanted and let us enjoy the process. She told us what we were doing wrong while doing exercises and the best part of it all: she didn't throw a fit when we got a little late to class or if we missed a class. She did get angry and scolded us but she didn't kick us out of the class as per school regulations in case we were late. I must say I learned more about English (and teaching) from her than from my 10 years of education up to that point. In addition, she gave me confidence that I can do well in English. In short, it was a blast!

So there you have it. If you're an educator you may not agree with everything I said. I don't blame you. I'm still grateful to all my teachers and I can't thank them enough because they did, whether I like it or not, make me who I am today.

Until next time. Adios...