criminal court sentences serial donor to life imprisonment

The Criminal Court sentenced a serial donor to life imprisonment earlier today. The convict, who pleaded guilty to multiple accounts of donations to charity throughout the nation, will be transferred to the detention and correction facility in Male' City, where he will undergo a pre-life imprisonment medical checkup prior to commencing his sentence.

 

Following a lengthy investigation and a lengthier trial, which the authorities call a 'long battle', the sentence paved way to the impending trials of similar nature. Speaking at a press conference after the trial, the Commissioner of Police said that the hammer of justice would not pardon offenders. "Lately there has been an increase in the rate of crime of various nature. Mind you! We will leave no rock upturned in the fight against crime," he said in what would surely be the authority's biggest challenge to crime syndicates over the country. "We will not...I repeat, the Police will not take lightly...even if it's a simple case of returning a lost wallet to its owner!" The commissioner's threat comes as no surprise since the resurgence of criminal activities in the capital and in the outlying islands, have the citizens living in fear.

Just seventy-two hours earlier, a man previously convicted of helping an elderly cross a road, was caught while holding the door open for a couple at a store. Fortunately, the security guard at the store apprehended the man before he could keep the door open any longer. According to one of the eye witnesses on hand, repeat offenders are what scares her the most. "I just saw a convict walking freely and breaking the law again! Is this how tax payers' money is spent by the government?," the mortified woman told the reporters.

the promised hammer of justice and/or thor

The Minister of Home Affairs was unavailable for any comments. However, a senior official within the ministry; on condition of complete anonymity, confided to the reporters that the recent incidents is just the tip of the iceberg. According to the official, the Police recently uncovered a group of volunteers who went about donating blood to orphans. "I don't know why, but the Police is keeping the lid shut on this case," the official  was quoted as saying. When questioned, the Chief of Intelligence of Police said that the case was still under investigation and that the authorities were working to bring all involved to answer in the court of law. "The roots in this case go beyond the scope of a single group and we have enough evidence to suspect that there are very powerful men behind the operation of these 'terror' networks."

The public has been calling for swifter action by the government and has been calling for the resignation of the judges at the Criminal Court and the Supreme Court. "What can we do? We judge on the evidence presented to us," said the Chief Justice of the Criminal Court during a press conference. "We have told the Police and the prosecutors to give us enough evidence to pass the sentence. If not, our hands are tied behind our backs."

However, the Chief Judge's comments must be taken with a pinch of salt. During the infamous case from November last year, the State tried a suspect who was caught on camera thanking a waiter. The video footage caught on the CCTV camera at the restaurant was presented as evidence at the court and the judge claimed the evidence was not enough to prove that the man was guilty 'beyond reasonable doubt' and judged the man not guilty of committing the heinous crime. During the appeal, even more infamous because it was the third time in the history of the Maldives that the Attorney General presented a case, many eyewitnesses gave testimonies regarding the act of terror. Some eyewitnesses gave testimonies behind close doors with their voices altered to prevent any potential backlashes from the suspect or his associates. In one of the most shocking trials in the country to date, the suspect promised in God's name that he committed no such crimes. "I agree I have done many wrong things in my life. Once...I even helped a little boy stand up after he slipped and fell on the road...but, Allah as my witness, I have never ever said 'thank you' to the waiter in question." Had the State used his confession, the suspect could have faced life imprisonment and quite possibly the death sentence for the crime he previously committed. Nonetheless, due to the reluctance of the authorities, the case eventually fell through and the man walked free.

Whilst the public's outcry goes unheard, the deteriorating respect to law and order within the country continues to this day. It is sad that the crime population is not only limited to males. Just few days after the former incident, a female teacher was caught red-handed while helping a student with a lesson. Fortunately, to the relief of the school and the outraged parents, the teacher pleaded guilty and was sentenced to six months of house arrest. A 'small victory', as put forth by one parent, and yet, such victories are enough to ensure the public that the country will soon become peaceful once again and we would face the promising future hand in hand.

Until next time. Adios...

presidential vows: a dialogue

Now that 2012 is almost over and a new year lurks around the corners, people have started to make up new year resolutions they will never fulfill. Not to mention, the presidential elections next year and the revolutionary warfare launched by the opposition. So while politicians have started making their promises and vows to please the masses, I had a little chat with an acquaintance of mine who has a newly vested interested in politics: I present to you Shampire.

Me: Hello again my dear friend.
Shampire: May peace be with you and you are not my friend.
Me: Good to see you're doing well.
Shampire: So why did you drag me into this hideous excuse of a place you call a home?
Me: A man's home is his castle, they say.
Shampire: They are wrong. And you suck.
Me: Moving on. I hear you're interested in politics?
Shampire: You know what they say: if you want to get something done right...
Me: ...you got to do it on your own.
Shampire: No, you fool! You bribe and fool people to make them do your dirty work.
Me: ........
Shampire: Wipe that annoying look off of your face.
Me: But that's so wrong.
Shampire: Have we not met?
Me: I rest my case... So you want to become the President?
Shampire: Of course not, silly boy! I want eternal salvation and everything that comes with it. Presidency is just the means to spread my message.
Me: This message you speak of...how do you plan on getting elected?
Shampire: What kind of a question is that? By killing the incumbent of course!
Me: No no! You have to get elected by a vote.
Shampire: What? That's the infidels' way. Why can't we just have a duel and let the winner have the spoils?
Me: Because, this is the 21st century and because the people decide now.
Shampire: You and your nonsense ways! So what do I do to win this vote you speak of?
Me: You campaign and you make promises and such so that the people will vote for the best candidate.
Shampire: You are saying that I just make up cock and bull stories for people to believe?
Me: Not really. You  have to deliver on your promises and...Oh forget it. Yes that's what you do.
Shampire: That sounds very doable. Better than a duel I say.
Me: Of course! Who else can lie better than you?
Shampire: What was that?
Me: Nothing.
Shampire: So how do I deliver my promises to the people?
Me: Advertise, speeches, put it on the web. Here are the vows I made if I were to become the President.
Shampire: VAAV THAA FAAF???!! That list of trash is your vows?
Me: I wouldn't call it trash... And vaav thaa faaf? Please translate.
Shampire: Ya Allah! Haaza al-rajl jaahil al akbar! It means WTF, and I call it as I see it. Yours is a recipe for disaster and a one-way ticket to Hell!
Me: Excuse me?
Shampire: Just look at this. You even promised to torture men who lay with young girls. Torture!
Me: That's because rapists and pedophiles deserve it. I wish I could torture them till death and bring them back to life.
Shampire: You have indeed lost the righteous path, my son. It is Satan's fault that men are that way.
Me: Are you suggesting that they roam free?
Shampire: I am saying that it is Satan's fault and YOUR infidel Constitution says an innocent man cannot be prosecuted.
Me: Alright. Tell me what you promise the people of Maldives.
Shampire: I will run as the candidate of Adhaalath Party. They seem to have the best sense among you idiots and they will embrace me as their messiah.
Me: You got that right. They are a bunch of hot-headed pansy girls.
Shampire: How dare you compare God's chosen to such low creatures!
Me: You are charming.
Shampire: Eh?
Me: Since we are comparing genders, how do you plan to tackle equal opportunity?
Shampire: First and foremost, I will enforce equal opportunity.
Me: Wow! I am impressed. Never knew you were the type to conform to such things.
Shampire: I know! Since all females regardless of age have to wear veil under my rule, I am going to open the opportunity for all males to wear the veil as well. See? I am beating the infidels at their own game!
Me: Quite clever, I must say. What will your policies be on the education system?
Shampire: I will integrate animal husbandry into the education system. Before you open that filthy mouth of yours, I want to alienate Maldives. I will close the country to money from the infidels and only our Muslim brethren can help us. I will...
Me: Sorry to cut you off but I get the feeling that you're suggesting that we start animal farming. Is that your fiscal policy?
Shampire: Yes I am. We are going to herd sheep and goats and cows. Our children, male of course, will learn the hairy arts and will prosper in the coming generations.
Me: That is indeed a hairy subject but I guess we have to come up with some way to sustain ourselves after we oust every investor in the country. So what about taxes?
Shampire: I am not a believer in taxation. I see no reason why a man must pay to live in his own house.
Me: This is good news!
Shampire: But...
Me: There is always a but..
Shampire: I will impose a coitus tax.
Me; A coitus what?!!
Shampire: A coitus tax, you deaf baboon!
Me: Could you please explain?
Shampire: As you know, or God forbid, you should know, fornication is a deadly sin. Therefore the Almighty has paved us the way for women to have sex without eternal damnation.
Me: And?
Shampire: And by allowing a man to marry four women, he is ultimately saving the four females from the fires of Hell. If you ask me, that kind of kindness should be appreciated. What better way to show one's gratitude than by paying a small token of appreciation for their deliverance.
Me: So all in all, you're making the women pay a tax because they get to use the dong of their husbands? Isn't that rather one-sided?
Shampire: It is not one-sided! Anyway, who is running for presidency? Me or you? I am levying the coitus tax because it is the only way for the women to know the cost of deliverance.
Me: You think this dong tax will make women want to marry?
Shampire: Think of it this way. If they do not marry and fornicate, I can flog and stone them in public. Then again I will make marriage mandatory for all women who have come of age.
Me: Speaking of punishments, how will you run the judiciary? Will you uphold the Sharia?
Shampire: Yes I will! I will uphold the Rule of God to the last breath. I have zero tolerance for wrongdoers. Especially sinners. During my presidency, if someone is found guilty of a sin, they will be punished severely in public. No allowances will be given to sex or age.

with Presidents like these, who needs dictators?

Me: But what if it's a young person. I have the perfect scenario. What if a little girl gets raped?
Shampire: You fool! Little girls do not get raped. And yes, she will be flogged severely until she seeks salvation.
Me: But we are talking about rape! As you'd say, fornication without consent!!
Shampire: Consent nonsense! Do I look like I give a, as you humans say, shit? Yes, the girl will be flogged as a lesson and a warning for the rest of the kind.
Me: Then what about the man?
Shampire: See? This is why we cannot get along very well. You always worry about what to do with the man. I think that you have something against men. Were you hurt by a man in your life? Because I see that you are very personal when it comes to these things. You always find a way to hurt men. Ways to punish them. It is very unfair and uncalled for. Not to mention very sexist!
Me: Oh my. And how is that any different from what you are doing, your Holiness?
Shampire: The point is, as I said earlier, Satan is the one to blame. It is not man's fault that he errs. Satan makes man want to commit atrocious sins and the women are the means.
Me: Let us talk about some other subject. Do you have any developmental plans? How will you strengthen the republic?
Shampire: Lord be praised! That is a lot to answer and I am short on time. I am sure you would understand.
Me: Alright then. Good luck in the coming elections though I am not sure if I want you to win.
Shampire: Of course you would not. You are an extremely laadheenee person.
Me: Now that I can understand. Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: May God have mercy on you and for the umpteenth time: I am not your friend! Shampire has no friends! I am off and do not bother me unless to repent. No. Forget that. Do not bother me at all!
Me: Guess I can never have a conversation without pissing him off. Until next time, Adios...

a little blasphemy

Now that GMR is gone and some of us are hell-bent on going back to the days when we ate goat - played goat - slept goat and drank goat, we seem to have provided the breeding grounds for doing things in the name of religion. It is sad that the 'Islamic' tag makes anything and everything acceptable these days, and very profitable as well. The number of holier than thou know-it-alls is on the rise who look at punishment and fear as the only way to spread Islam while casting a blind-eye to the root of all.

Having said that, the post today is not about the exploits of the deeply devout, but on an incident that came up a few weeks back. Before I dive in, Maldives, and by extension, Maldivians have always regarded sex as a taboo topic. It is considered a very, as female teenagers would say it, eww subject. I remember the day I asked my dad about how to fornicate and he just straight up told me kids should not speak about it. In his defence, it may be because I was just 7 at the time and it was the not the perfect topic for father-son bonding. But still...it's just a snapshot of our culture when it comes to sex: it's our dirty little secret; the perfect setting for pedophiles, molesters, and rapists..

A few weeks back, the whole country was shocked when an 11-year old prematurely gave birth at 7 months. There was public outcry that such a little girl was so naughty as to have sex at such a tender age, let alone, give birth. She deserved what she got, people said. The duly devout went on public forums saying that little girls won't give birth. I have a message for the so called sheikh. Yeah, little girls won't give birth. However, little girls won't want to get pregnant either, and devouring a penis is the last thing on their mind. And the hardcore Islamic 'evangelists' called for her to be flogged for her sin. Screw that! Everyone called for her to be flogged.

What most of the delusional people at this country failed to even think about is how in the Seven Heavens' name does an 11-year old get pregnant? They forgot one very important piece of the equation:

if you didn't get it, it's a penis. a friggin' penis!

Yeah, no one bothered to inquire as to how the little girl ended up with a babe in her belly. Unless she's the reincarnation of Virgin Mary, I am pretty sure it took two to tango in this dance. What's even sadder is that none of the so called advocates and champions of human rights and such had the cojones to mutter a word on the issue. The United Nations, UNICEF, the Human Rights Commission of the Maldives, Advocating the Rights of Children, and many other agencies failed or rather chose to stay silent on the issue. Then again, I don't blame the silence of most of them when considering the debacles of the pious every time someone questions the logic of such things. Faith, after all, is blind.

A small lining in the silver cloud came when DNA evidence surfaced and follow-up investigations show that she was indeed raped and did not get jiggy with a man on her own accord as the majority of the nation first perceived. So all in all, we have an 11-year old who is a victim of a man who was a family friend. Not to mention the allegations that her uncle had molested her as well. But even up to today, very few have openly condemned this incident. And even more more so, fewer have condemned the silence of the relevant authorities and agencies.

In the end, we are left with an 11-year old whose life is over before it has even begun. She is already labelled a slut and a sinner, and thanks to our very able media, the whole of Addu Shitty (pun intended) knows her by now.

So here is a big fuck you to the two sick sons of bitches who raped the little girl, and an even bigger fuck you to all the authorities that stayed silent on this issue. Last but not least, here is a fuck you to the former Minister of Gender, Human Rights, and Family who did nothing noteworthy during this fiasco, but got her bra in a knot when her husband was arrested by the Police for being drunk. I hope you all rot in hell with hot barbed rods up every hole in your body! And please don't get me started on the family. Her own mother stayed silent through the whole ordeal even after the girl told her mother about the abuse. I hope your uterus bleeds out along with your innards and you never give birth again!

exhibit A: barbed rod 2020

Until next time. Adios...

the medicinal tongue

It's something different this time. I heard someone tell this joke in Dhivehi and decided to do my own take on the joke and put it out there for the world to see...