lord of the beards: the fellowship of the return of the king to two towers

Prologue:

It began with the grooming of the Great Beards. Three were given to the Cockroaches; immortal, meanest, and scariest of all beings. Seven, to the Ants, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine beards were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these beards was bound the strength and the will to govern over each race through deception.

But they were all of them deceived, for a new beard was groomed. In the isle of Maldive, in the waters of Maldive Island, the Dark Lord Mullah groomed in secret, a master beard, to control all others. And into this beard he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. And as he groomed, he spoke the words feared by all kinds: "Ash fang durbatulûk, ash fang gimbatul, Ash fang thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul." Never spoken in the language of Maldive Island by mortals, the words mean: "One beard to rule them all, one beard to find them, One beard to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Though much feared and nearly invincible, Middle Earth took the fight to the Dark Lord in one final attempt and kicked the Dark Lord's ass Chuck Norris style! Sadly, the weakness of mankind prevented the champion of Middle Earth, Bod Umanzar (pronounced Bodh Umaanzaar) from destroying the One Beard in the waters of Maldive Island. Instead the noble hero, in his weakness, bent to his manly temptations and wore the beard. Victorious and full of pride, the Beard corrupted him and in the end, led to his destruction. The Beard, meanwhile, vanished.

Years passed. History turned to legend, legend to tales and something that should not have been left without grooming was lost...

Chapter 1:

Our story begins on a dark night in a dark place where a dark man awaits with a dark purpose... Usef Ul Idiot (prnounced Yoosef Al Eediyoth), as he was called by the village folks, was getting ready to poop. The day was normal thus far but unknown to him, there would come a day when the fate of the world would rest on the broad shoulders of this fierce, handsome, and super-cool young man.

After a quick breakfast of bodu biskoadhu (a local delicacy) and black tea, Usef went to see his good friend Leg Acyof Pain (pronounced Leg Achiof Paeen) and together they set off on an adventure into the wild forest of Suckingham: they were outlaws and robbed the corrupt parliamentarians to feed the wildlings. When a poor wildling asked why they risked their necks for some poor wildlings, our fearless and handsome heroes replied, "For what is a man who cannot help his fellow man but the man who brings a smile to others?" And thus, our heroes, cunning and proud outcasts of Suckingham Forest continued their exploitation until one fateful day.

Chapter 2:

Our dazzling heroes came across a little girl who was crying all by herself. Her eyes were red and her clothes were torn and covered in red. Fearing the worst, a very concerned Acyof asked, "What happened little girl?"

The girl replied between sobs, "this.. sparkly looking thing.. it made.. it made me..." the girl's voice trailed off as she broke down crying.

"Mention not what you did my dear girl," Usef bellowed. "For I will ensure that he dies by my sword!"

"STOP!" The girl's scream startled Usef and Acyof. "Are you both stupid? He didn't rape me. He spilled a bottle of ketchup all over my new Justin Bieber veil."

Startled, our heroes looked at the young girl. Acyof looked at Usef in despair. Usef looked back, his face grim, and nodded. They knew what had to be done. It wasn't going to be pretty but they were bound by their vows. The little girl realized the tone of her would-be heroes have changed. She looked from one to the other as they raised their weapons with menace in their eyes.

"Oh Shit!" She thought to herself. "Now I'm going to die."

Swords raised, Usef and Acyof stared at the girl menacingly. Both muttered in unison, "We are sorry little girl. You leave us no choice." The little girl closed her eyes, and waited for  the sword to cut off her head.

And the two heroes burst out laughing! "BWAHAHAHAHA! You wear a Justin Bieber veil? May the Light blind you!" Acyof laughed his head off as Usef fell to the ground in laughter. The little girl, bewildered and confused, said in a hurt voice, "You are mean people."

"I'm sorry little girl. But..." Usef trailed off in laughter as he tried to explain.

"What my accomplice Usef is trying to say is," Acyof attempted to help his friend, "that you're stoopid. Not stupid but stoopid!"

The little girl, tears running down her cheeks turned around and stormed off as Usef and Acyof's laughter followed her and into the distance.

"Hey little girl," Acyof called after her, "Don't forget your glitter purple lipstick!"

Chapter 7:

It was dark and Usef looked around. He could make out the shape of a human in the distance. Sword in hand, Usef approached with caution. "Acyof, is that you?" He called. There was no reply. Usef approached with great caution, not the least bit scared as if challenging the Light to the ultimate strength. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a shadow jumped at him. He did not scream like a little girl, but scream he did! It was a cockroach and not just any but a Beard Bearer.

"May the Light be with you." Usef said as he stepped back and dropped to his right knee in respect. He stared in awe as a being from out of the legends stood before him. "Forgive me my Lord, I did not..."

Usef's apology was cut short by the scream of a young girl. Or so he thought. When he looked up, he saw that Acyof had stabbed the Cockroach Lord from behind.

"For a Cockroach Lord, he screamed like a girl." Acyof remarked as he cleaned his sword. He looked around for Usef because he didn't get a reply.

"Do you know what we have here?" Usef said looking up holding something furry in his hand. "We now have a Beard of Power."

Chapter 17:

Months have passed since our resourceful heroes acquired the Beard of Power. As they continued their exploits in Suckhingham Forest, an unforgiving scene befell them: there were people crying over a dead boy. Concerned, our faithful heroes approached the grim site and said, "May the Light be with you."

"Will it?" A woman sitting near the dead boy, most likely his mother, spat at them. "The Light took him away from us with the incurable Measles."

Startled, Acyof exclaimed, "What the...? Measles? Kind woman, this is the seventh freaking century! They have vaccines." The glum woman looked at our tanned hero with agony and said, "The Beard Rider of this district decreed that the Light has forbidden vaccination."

"WHAT?" Our heroes said in unison. "What's his name? Where is he?" Usef inquired.

"Over there," the woman replied pointing to Two Towers in the distance. "His name is..." the woman's shudder was enough to understand the atrocities committed by this evil Beard Rider. ".. he is.. Lord Farumaan.. Please avenge my dear son's death.."

One Epic Battle Later...

"We sure did show that Beard Rider Farumaan eh?" Acyof remarked.

"We sure did old friend." Usef could not help but admire his brave friend who never gave up in a fight.

"So what's next?" Acyof inquired.

This was what Usef was afraid of. Acyof gets too excited after battles. "I think..." What ever Acyof wanted to say was lost as an old man in a white robe fell from the skies with a loud THUD!

"Holy..." Usef's short and sweet curse was cut even shorter when he realized it was a wizard.

"Fear not for I come in peace!" The old man bellowed.

"And who might you be?" Usef and Ascyof asked very coolly at the same time.

"I am Heebi Jeebees the rightful heir of Bod Umanzar. Do you realize that what you have is the One Beard?"

"Really?"

"Yes, and you both have to go and destroy it." Heebi Jeebees explained.

"But how?" Our heroes were confused but excited.

"Let us form a Fellowship and take the One Beard to the Maldive Island and destroy it in the very waters that it was groomed in.We have to hurry. There is little time left to waste. The Dark Lord Mullah grows in strength and will return if not stopped."

Chapter 29:

The Fellowship arrived at the coast of Maldive Island. The shores were guarded by creatures in robes. Heebi Jeebees explained that they were Shampires, Sheikhs who pledged loyalty to the Dark Lord Mullah and gained immortality. They were the most vile and cunning creatures one could find on Middle Earth.

"Well," Acyof started, "I can kill them with my Middle Finger."

Heebi Jeebees rolled his eye in despair as the two paladins joked, unaware of the grave task at hand. "Be careful. Shampires carry long wooden sticks, the Stick of Karma, which had powers that no human could comprehend." Heebi Jeebees warned.

"Shall we do the honors?"

(One epic climatic battle ensues)

Chapter 71:

"Wow! Did you see me cut that Shampire in half... by waving my staff?" Heebi Jeebees exclaimed merrily.

"Pffft! Showoff.." Acyof wasn't very keen on the idea that a wizard could just kill someone so easily. He had issues with magic.

"Well, here we are. The waters of Maldive at last!" Usef was glad to have finally come to the end of all things. He wanted nothing more than to go back to Suckhingham Forrest and kick-start their lives as outlaws. As Usef walked to the shores of Maldive Island, ready to part with the One Beard, he looked back at the Fellowship: A wizard and his friend. He looked at the One Beard one last time and threw it into the waters of Maldive Island.

Usef, Acyof, and Heebi Jeebees turned back and walked away from the shore. They were a hundred steps away when a loud and terrifying wail filled the air. "MY PLEASURES!" And a short deformed man who looked like death himself ran towards the shore.

"In the name of the Light! What is that thing?" Acyof wondered out loud.

"It or rather he was a human just like you two. He was corrupted by the power of the One Beard. The One Beard destroyed him eventually and turned him into a Follum." Heebi Jeebees explained as they watched the wretched creature jump into the waters of Maldive Island... to its very imminent death.

Heebi Jeebees said subtly, "Farewell, my brave paladins. My work is now finished. Here at last, on the shores of the sea... comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil." With that Heebi Jeebees turned and headed towards the Two Towers where his rightful throne awaited him.

Epilogue:

Lord Mullah and his Army of Shampires have been defeated and the rightful heir of Bod Umanzar, Heebi Jeebees, prepares to ascend the throne of the Two Towers. Acyof and Usef, upon the completion of their quest, returned to their village. The Beards were once again in good hands and the good king Heebi Jeebees ruled Middle Earth with justice and empathy. And thus ends the Sixth Age of Middle Earth and upon the return of the King, the Seventh Age of Middle Earth began. An age that would be remembered for centuries to come for its prosperity and the epicness that the Fellowship of the Beard brought.

~THE END~