mistaken identities: the ambergris report

Note: The following post is inspired by actual documented events.


I was at my island for a while, enjoying the white sandy beach with my classmate from college when the news came in: some fishermen found a huge-ass ambergris drifting across our crystal clear blue waters.I was very happy naturally, because my fellow countrymen, who unlike other western non-Islamic countries, are friendly, selfless, and utterly compassionate about their fellow folks, got such a great gift from the greatest treasure the sunny side of life has to offer; the ocean.


More news of ambergris findings throughout the country followed, and for a moment, I was hopeful. Hopeful for my beautiful and harmonious country. There was even talk of ambergris replacing tourism as our 'hen' that lays golden eggs. Though between you and me, that did seem a fair comparison. I mean tourism is as far from an egg as a marshmallow is from a machete. Furthermore, there was speculation that the foreign currency from all the sales would be used to bring down the dollar rate, something the former President Nasheed successfully failed at even up to his eventual disposition.


Moving on, news came once again (pun intended) that all the ambergris turned out to be nothing but animal fat! Alas, my dear reader. People were so content with sharing the revenue equally among themselves. Nobody went to Courts and there were no disputes whatsoever between owners and crew of the boats. Nobody and I mean nobody wanted a bigger share of their possible hard-earned wealth, and in fact, one government official, on the condition of complete anonymity, told me that the ambergris hunters were insisting that their friends get a bigger share! Get a load of that. Where else in the world can you possibly find such homogeneity for the betterment of others? So it's only natural that tears were shed when results came that the metric-butt-load of 'ambergris' was nothing but animal flab.

as Boromir says, 'one does not simply turn to flab'

Needless to say, being the investigative sapiens that I am, I dove deep down into the salty roots of this matter. I hired some top-notch paparazzi (aka Google) to aid me in photography through this bitter and perilous journey to find the person involved in this scandalous of scandals that befell the empathetic people of Maldives, whose zeal is unrivaled on Middle Earth when it comes to being nice to each other. So in an investigative piece of journalism that puts the infamous 'Operation Sunset' to shame, I have discovered the bewildering truth behind the ambergris scandal!


After countless unsuccessful probes, my paparazzi was able to provide me with a picture of the vermin responsible for this utter devastation:

King Triton, the First of his Name, King of Under the Sea and the First Mermaids, Lord of the Five Sea Kingdoms and Protector of the Ambergris

While evading my calls and texts for what seemed like eternity, I met King Triton and he confessed it was all his doing. Heartbroken and heart-stolen, I asked him why he committed such an atrocity towards the kind and peace-loving people of the Maldives. He blamed everything on this:

i admit, the title is mayhaps a bit misleading

It seems, his folks have already spoken against it in many forums, but all the bubbling and blabbing was for naught! And hence, Triton, along with the other mighty wet Gods of the salty seas, decided to stick it in where it hurts and Maldives got punked! "You puny humans duped us with the 'race'", Triton said, "so we decided to give you something that's as useful as nipples on a breastplate. Hah! Have fun with all the useless fat you shitty Maldivians!"


Further investigation revealed that Triton made a whale eat goats, cows, and shit, and made it regurgitate the fat, tricking unsuspecting and innocent fishermen into believing it was genuine ambergris. My people didn't deserve this! They are nice people and as a last attempt to make my people happy, I heroically pleaded with his salty majesty to reconsider, but he paid no heed to my cause. Dejected, defeated, and demented, I began my return journey to the surface. The only comfort I got from my investigative journalism is that my paparazzi managed to take a picture of the suspected troll that's reportedly doing the evil bidding for King Triton, who vehemently denies he knows or has anything to do with the suspect.

maldives police service reports the suspect already has a kushuge record

Until next time. Adios...