Y U NO LSD?

Note: The following post has been inspired by true and actual events that literally happened.

Congresses, tribunals, and 'black' walks summarize the curry pot of a country I call a home. To top it all of, we had a few cases of some suspected youths suspectedly 'dying' after suspiciously overdosing on what the Police suspects is fake LSD or, as it is more commonly known, acid. Needless to say, being the overzealous human that I am, I jumped into the foray to find out what has befallen the youth of my country. And in my ordeal that took me beyond my wildest dreams of half-eaten zombies and molested unicorns, I stumbled upon a dealer who offered me what I suspect, was LSD. Not to blow my cover, I talked to him as I tried to understand the inner workings of the human mind on LSD. Following is the actual conversation I had with Ghiyash (not his actual name) as I dove deep into this endeavor.

[begin record]

Ghiyash: Yo man! Want some totally real LSD? It's real, I promise.

Me: Gimmie!

Ghiyash: It's real and not fake, you know. Totally not laced with cheap poisonous ingredients.

Me: Awesome!

Ghiyash: Visit my back alley dealing spot for pick-up.

Me: That's good and all that, but most importantly, will it make me high?

Ghiyash: I can't tell that because what am I? A doctor? I am just unwashed, probably diseased drug dealer and I'm totally reliable because even kids trust me enough to buy from me.

Me: But the shit is not fake, right?

Ghiyash: Totally fake. I mean not fake. Can you repeat the question?

Me: Is this shit fake?

Ghiyash: Of course not! Would I do that to a customer? Your well-being is important to me. This is premium deluxe quality gourmet LSD, man!

Me: Excellent. What's the price?

Ghiyash: I don't know...how do you sell LSD? In kilos? Or is it like, 2 LSDs for something rufiyaa or something? Buy one get one free, maybe? Or some shit like that...

Me: Do you mean that I buy 1 LSD for the price of 2 and get 1 LSD free?

Ghiyash: Nice. Yes. I like that! I mean...that's what I meant.

Me: So we have a deal?

Ghiyash: Good good! Let me find a nice dark and dirty back alley to deal in.

Me: Alright. I will bring the dough.

Ghiyash: Nooo. Bring money.

Me: Dough = money in drug lord's language. But...I'm doubtful.. Are you sure that you're selling real LSD?

Ghiyash: Man, this is the BEST BEST quality. Only, like, a little rat poison added for flavor. But that's it. For serious.

Me: Alright.

Ghiyash: Maybe some bleach for good measure... But that. Is. It.

Me: So let me get this straight. Just bleach and rat poison. Nothing more?

Ghiyash: Of course nothing more! Who do you take me for, a fraud? How dare you, sir! I have a good mind to take my business elsewhere!

Me: Many apologies. Please continue.

Ghiyash: It's just rat poison, bleach and arsenic in my LSD which is premium deluxe gourmet!

Me: Wait wait! Arsenic? You must be pulling my leg!

Ghiyash: Oh, didn't I tell you about that? It's added for color, mate!

Me: Aaah.

Ghiyash: You'll enjoy it. 

Me: Just for color. Alright.

Ghiyash: And after taking this, you'll be pulling your own leg.

Me: Awesome! I might buy an extra stash if it is as good as you say. Man, I wish I had a room.

Ghiyash: You don't need a room to take my LSD in.

Me: This is just for good measure in case I have to lay low.

Ghiyash: Not to worry, it's packed in emptied cyanide capsule. It's mostly free of cyanide, of course.

Me: At this rate, I'll have to pay an arm and a leg.

Ghiyash: But you're getting a free LSD when you buy one for the price of two! It's a sweet deal!

Me: It's a deal then. I will drop the money at... [end of record]

Until next time. Adios...

presidential vows: a dialogue

Now that 2012 is almost over and a new year lurks around the corners, people have started to make up new year resolutions they will never fulfill. Not to mention, the presidential elections next year and the revolutionary warfare launched by the opposition. So while politicians have started making their promises and vows to please the masses, I had a little chat with an acquaintance of mine who has a newly vested interested in politics: I present to you Shampire.

Me: Hello again my dear friend.
Shampire: May peace be with you and you are not my friend.
Me: Good to see you're doing well.
Shampire: So why did you drag me into this hideous excuse of a place you call a home?
Me: A man's home is his castle, they say.
Shampire: They are wrong. And you suck.
Me: Moving on. I hear you're interested in politics?
Shampire: You know what they say: if you want to get something done right...
Me: ...you got to do it on your own.
Shampire: No, you fool! You bribe and fool people to make them do your dirty work.
Me: ........
Shampire: Wipe that annoying look off of your face.
Me: But that's so wrong.
Shampire: Have we not met?
Me: I rest my case... So you want to become the President?
Shampire: Of course not, silly boy! I want eternal salvation and everything that comes with it. Presidency is just the means to spread my message.
Me: This message you speak of...how do you plan on getting elected?
Shampire: What kind of a question is that? By killing the incumbent of course!
Me: No no! You have to get elected by a vote.
Shampire: What? That's the infidels' way. Why can't we just have a duel and let the winner have the spoils?
Me: Because, this is the 21st century and because the people decide now.
Shampire: You and your nonsense ways! So what do I do to win this vote you speak of?
Me: You campaign and you make promises and such so that the people will vote for the best candidate.
Shampire: You are saying that I just make up cock and bull stories for people to believe?
Me: Not really. You  have to deliver on your promises and...Oh forget it. Yes that's what you do.
Shampire: That sounds very doable. Better than a duel I say.
Me: Of course! Who else can lie better than you?
Shampire: What was that?
Me: Nothing.
Shampire: So how do I deliver my promises to the people?
Me: Advertise, speeches, put it on the web. Here are the vows I made if I were to become the President.
Shampire: VAAV THAA FAAF???!! That list of trash is your vows?
Me: I wouldn't call it trash... And vaav thaa faaf? Please translate.
Shampire: Ya Allah! Haaza al-rajl jaahil al akbar! It means WTF, and I call it as I see it. Yours is a recipe for disaster and a one-way ticket to Hell!
Me: Excuse me?
Shampire: Just look at this. You even promised to torture men who lay with young girls. Torture!
Me: That's because rapists and pedophiles deserve it. I wish I could torture them till death and bring them back to life.
Shampire: You have indeed lost the righteous path, my son. It is Satan's fault that men are that way.
Me: Are you suggesting that they roam free?
Shampire: I am saying that it is Satan's fault and YOUR infidel Constitution says an innocent man cannot be prosecuted.
Me: Alright. Tell me what you promise the people of Maldives.
Shampire: I will run as the candidate of Adhaalath Party. They seem to have the best sense among you idiots and they will embrace me as their messiah.
Me: You got that right. They are a bunch of hot-headed pansy girls.
Shampire: How dare you compare God's chosen to such low creatures!
Me: You are charming.
Shampire: Eh?
Me: Since we are comparing genders, how do you plan to tackle equal opportunity?
Shampire: First and foremost, I will enforce equal opportunity.
Me: Wow! I am impressed. Never knew you were the type to conform to such things.
Shampire: I know! Since all females regardless of age have to wear veil under my rule, I am going to open the opportunity for all males to wear the veil as well. See? I am beating the infidels at their own game!
Me: Quite clever, I must say. What will your policies be on the education system?
Shampire: I will integrate animal husbandry into the education system. Before you open that filthy mouth of yours, I want to alienate Maldives. I will close the country to money from the infidels and only our Muslim brethren can help us. I will...
Me: Sorry to cut you off but I get the feeling that you're suggesting that we start animal farming. Is that your fiscal policy?
Shampire: Yes I am. We are going to herd sheep and goats and cows. Our children, male of course, will learn the hairy arts and will prosper in the coming generations.
Me: That is indeed a hairy subject but I guess we have to come up with some way to sustain ourselves after we oust every investor in the country. So what about taxes?
Shampire: I am not a believer in taxation. I see no reason why a man must pay to live in his own house.
Me: This is good news!
Shampire: But...
Me: There is always a but..
Shampire: I will impose a coitus tax.
Me; A coitus what?!!
Shampire: A coitus tax, you deaf baboon!
Me: Could you please explain?
Shampire: As you know, or God forbid, you should know, fornication is a deadly sin. Therefore the Almighty has paved us the way for women to have sex without eternal damnation.
Me: And?
Shampire: And by allowing a man to marry four women, he is ultimately saving the four females from the fires of Hell. If you ask me, that kind of kindness should be appreciated. What better way to show one's gratitude than by paying a small token of appreciation for their deliverance.
Me: So all in all, you're making the women pay a tax because they get to use the dong of their husbands? Isn't that rather one-sided?
Shampire: It is not one-sided! Anyway, who is running for presidency? Me or you? I am levying the coitus tax because it is the only way for the women to know the cost of deliverance.
Me: You think this dong tax will make women want to marry?
Shampire: Think of it this way. If they do not marry and fornicate, I can flog and stone them in public. Then again I will make marriage mandatory for all women who have come of age.
Me: Speaking of punishments, how will you run the judiciary? Will you uphold the Sharia?
Shampire: Yes I will! I will uphold the Rule of God to the last breath. I have zero tolerance for wrongdoers. Especially sinners. During my presidency, if someone is found guilty of a sin, they will be punished severely in public. No allowances will be given to sex or age.

with Presidents like these, who needs dictators?

Me: But what if it's a young person. I have the perfect scenario. What if a little girl gets raped?
Shampire: You fool! Little girls do not get raped. And yes, she will be flogged severely until she seeks salvation.
Me: But we are talking about rape! As you'd say, fornication without consent!!
Shampire: Consent nonsense! Do I look like I give a, as you humans say, shit? Yes, the girl will be flogged as a lesson and a warning for the rest of the kind.
Me: Then what about the man?
Shampire: See? This is why we cannot get along very well. You always worry about what to do with the man. I think that you have something against men. Were you hurt by a man in your life? Because I see that you are very personal when it comes to these things. You always find a way to hurt men. Ways to punish them. It is very unfair and uncalled for. Not to mention very sexist!
Me: Oh my. And how is that any different from what you are doing, your Holiness?
Shampire: The point is, as I said earlier, Satan is the one to blame. It is not man's fault that he errs. Satan makes man want to commit atrocious sins and the women are the means.
Me: Let us talk about some other subject. Do you have any developmental plans? How will you strengthen the republic?
Shampire: Lord be praised! That is a lot to answer and I am short on time. I am sure you would understand.
Me: Alright then. Good luck in the coming elections though I am not sure if I want you to win.
Shampire: Of course you would not. You are an extremely laadheenee person.
Me: Now that I can understand. Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: May God have mercy on you and for the umpteenth time: I am not your friend! Shampire has no friends! I am off and do not bother me unless to repent. No. Forget that. Do not bother me at all!
Me: Guess I can never have a conversation without pissing him off. Until next time, Adios...

shampire diaries

Here ye here ye! Men and Women of all shapes and sizes. Please gather around for I have a story to tell ye: Tonight I continue my escapades with our good friend Shamp the shampire. If you don't know him/her/it already, please feel free to read part 1, part 2, and part 3. He's dead you ask? Apparantly he is not so dead after all. Let us see what our not-so-dead friend has to say...

caption deleted for fear of mortal damage to the writer

Me: *stares at Shampire*
Shampire: Staring is rude. Didn't your mother teach you any manners boy?
Me: *continues to stare at Shampire*
Shampire: From where I come from we say 'hello'
Me: Nether realm? Hello.
Shampire: That's better. Wait... what?
Me: Nevermind that. Why or rather, how are you here? Am I dreaming? You were dead. I even wrote a small prayer on your tombstone.
Shampire: So it was you who wrote that worthless piece of shit huh?
Me: Hey, Snowhite called. She's missing one of her dwarfs.
Shampire: What? err... What? You continue to speak in riddles human.
Me: You were angry about the writing on your tombstone and you're always angry. Hence Grumpy.
Shampire: What? Really.. what?
Me: Sheesh man! Grumpy the dwarf from Snowhite and the seven dwarfs.
Shampire: LAAM VAAV LAAM! good one. Sorry it took me a while to get the joke.
Me: Pffft! It's not a joke anymore after I explained the whole thing to you. You really don't get sarcasm at all. Anyways.. tell me, what happened? I was at your funeral. Though between you and me, there was no one else. You don't have any friends?
Shampire: You stupid excuse for a human. What don't you understand about the word 'undead'?
Me: Aaaah. So you DO have the undeadness of a real vampire.
Shampire: Pffft! Vampire my holy butt! Not the vampires you see these days. It's a shame to be even associated with the kind. The humans have stopped fearing us due to the mainstreamness of today's vampires.
Me: Yes your holiness. You get vampires like Dracula and shit back in the day and today we have Edward.. *shudders*
Shampire: SEEN MEEM HAA
Me: Eh?
Shampire: Oh yes. You don't understand Al Lugath Al Arabiyya or language of the Shampires. It means "Shakes My Head" in the common tongue.
Me: Aaaah I see. I'm right there with you. Anyway, so you were raised from the dead?
Shampire: Well, I was deadish. But then I went to the underworld and met Hades and yes, he is true. But you'll never guess what I found out when I died-ish.
Me: Tell me!
Shampire: Remember the whole 72 virgins I was preaching?
Me: How could I forget. I asked to bed your daughter.
Shampire: Yes you did! So apparantly the 72 virgins aren't really the whole story.
Me: You don't say...
Shampire: Yes I do say. Wait.. was that sarcasm?
Me: Yes it was. There is still hope for you.
Shampire: Foolish human! I need no hope. You do!
Me: Ok here we go again. So you met Hades sans the 72 virgins. What happened next?
Shampire: Well, it seems we have been fooled by this whole 72 virgins old wives' tale. One can't just kill a bunch of innocents and expect to bed 72 beautiful hotties.
Me: You don't say...
Shampire: Bill Lawrence called! He wants his idea of repeating the same jokes back.
Me: Ouch! You're learning fast. And how in the hell did you find out about Scrubs?
Shampire: Just like you said: in hell. Part of the eternal damnation was watching re-runs of hipster movies and good shows that went mainstream.
Me: Does that mean you had to watch Tw...
Shampire: STOP! Don't you utter the name!!
Me: That bad huh?
Shampire: I made it only halfway through the opening credits of that which must not be named and pleaded with Hades to send me back for a second chance.
Me: Aaah.. that makes sense now.
Shampire: It does? But you don't believe in those things and it's incomprehensible for humans.
Me: I must admit, having known you for a while, I get a feel for what you say.
Shampire: Alright. So tell me something you miserable human.
Me: Such love... I'm touched.
Shampire: What the hell is wrong with your kind?
Me: My kind? Humans?
Shampire:No! Not humans. Well, technically humans, but I meant your kin. The people from your country!
Me: You should have asked what was right with them. Would've saved a lot of time and ones and zeroes.
Shampire: Ones and zeroes?
Me: Yes. I have to type this whole thing and it's being processed as binaries in machine code in terms of ones and zeroes by our computers.
Shampire: Show off! You could have just said so instead of acting spooky and mysterious.
Me: Hey! I didn't say anything when you had your stick of karma, almost died, died and returned.
Shampire: Save your whining for someone else human.
Me: Alright :-(
Shampire: So about your people. What is happening to them?
Me: Once again, you gotta be specific bro.
Shampire: Don't you bro me you insiginificant being!
Me: LOL! Sorry... I just thought of a possible euphemism if your last sentence was said by an Asian.
Shampire: You are indeed lost my son. And quite racist too!
Me: Apparantly I am.
Shampire: So your people, why is it that a person can sing his or her way to riches and fame, and then suddenly quit singing and become a cleric?
Me: That's quite a mouthful.
Shampire: There's more! Your people even believe them above the real Shampires! It's a shame!
Me: Shame would be one of the adjectives I would use.
Shampire: In all seriousness, how could one be so dumb and naive to believe some holier than thou singer cum religous scholar?
Me: I wonder the same thing your highness.
Shampire: Trust me, I am all for the harsh and extremist views that I vowed to promote... but it took me all my life to acquire Shamphood and take my vows. These lowly peasants are doing it over night.
Me: Come again... shamphood?
Shampire: No. Shamphood. With a capital 'S'.
Me: Ok. Shamphood it is. What's that?
Shampire: It's the rigorous training and rituals all Shampire-recruits have to go through.
Me: Let me ask. What do you call when a Shampire goes to number two?
Shampire: What are you getting at?
Me: Shampoo! Oh wait. Now I won't look at my shampoo bottle the same way again.
Shampire: HA! Let that be a lesson for you. I must be off now.
Me: Wait... Will I see you again?
Shampire: Only fate will tell. I'd like to pull a page out of the movie 'Dear John' and say "see you soon then?"
Me: You saw that movie?
Shampire: I can stand that movie but when it came to the movie that must remain unnamed..
Me: Which movie of the Twilight saga?
Shampire: That does it! Good Bye you bastard son of a wretched gutless monkey!
Me: Hey wait.. come back.. come on.. woeful-and-angry-as-a-motherless-goat much? oh well.. he's left. Such a grumpy yet lively fellow. I don't know when I will see him again, but I am sure he will amaze me with his stories when we meet again. Until next time, Adios...

the shampire chronicles

If you read my blog, I assume you have met the Shampire. Last time we met, things got pretty ugly to say the least. But behold the miracles of modern medicine! Guess who's back?

The SHAMPIRE!

and he is pissed!

Me: Guess what the cat dragged in? You're alive! WOW!
Shampire: Pfffttt! I am not talking to you.
Me: What happened?
Shampire: (stares at me with emo-eye-linered eyes)
Me: Aaahhh. You're angry about how things ended last time we met.
Shampire: Angry is an understatement! You almost got me killed!!
Me: But you didn't die.
Shampire: I could have.
Me: But you didn't.
Shampire: I could have!!!
Me: So you couldn't?
Shampire: Why you little bitch!
Me: Man, you must be pissed.
Shampire: An apology would be nice.
Me: My heartfelt apologies for almost killing you. I never thought it would get that epic.
Shampire: See? That's your problem. you never think. You just do!
Me: Enough with the apologies, so how are you still alive?
Shampire: It's a miracle. You left me for dead after my Stick of Karma blew up.
Me: Oh yeah. It was quite...
Shampire: (Evil eyes)
Me: Please go on with your story.
Shampire: The medics came and rushed me into the ER and the doctors performed surgery on me.
Me: Yeah I must say, you look quite different now. Almost as if you're too young.
Shampire: Thank you! You see, my skin was completely burnt for the most part. So the docs had to remove skin from my... (blushes)
Me: Let me guess. Your butt?
Shampire: My hips. Well.. Near my hips. Lower back.
Me: So your ass?
Shampire: Alright alright. My bottom. They removed the skin from my bottom. Don't worry. It's not as bad as
Me: FACE! BWAHAHAHAHA
Shampire: I am leaving right now! You always end up pissing me off.
Me: My apologies once again. But you look so different now.
Shampire: Yes yes my child. I am quite different now. Remember how I was like back in the day?
Me: Yeah. You were a sadistic sexist who used religion as a tool to fool others.
Shampire: Well.. I guess that sums it up. So anyway, while recovering from my life threatening injury, I realized the error of my ways and decided to change.
Me: How so?
Shampire: First of all, I have given up on believing in underage marriages, about having concubines, and blindly killing the innocent in the name of religion.
Me: I can't believe I am saying this. BUT those are what you are all about. What about the fear that strikes people's hearts when we say the word 'shampire'?
Shampire: I still believe in religion and some of those hardcore rules.
Me: So what are you now?
Shampire: I am still a shampire. But in simplest terms, let's say I am a vegetarian.
Me: What? O_o
Shampire: Listen here my child. I just don't want to brainwash people anymore and hurt innocents. My beliefs and ideologies stay with me. That's what I mean by saying I'm a vegetarian.
Me: So now you're gay?
Shampire: HOW DARE YOU?!!!
Me: I see that almost dying didn't change your nasty temper.
Shampire: It's not like I am a different person now. But
Me: FACE!!!!! LAAM VAAV LAAM!
Shampire: Why, I am going to beat you up with this stick.
Me: Is that a new Stick of Karma?
Shampire: This piece of junk? It's just a normal stick I keep with me.
Me: Alright. The docs, what kind of surgery did they perform?
Shampire: It was plastic surgery ofcourse.
Me: But to replace the damaged skin they had to perform another surgery, huh?
Shampire: Yes. And your point is?
Me: Did they do open-ass surgery on you? MuahAHAHAHahAHHAHAHAhAHAH
Shampire: (Shakes head) Sometimes I wonder why I even talk to you.
Me: Tell me, what's next for you?
Shampire: I want to live a quite life. Cause no trouble. Might even fool around a bit with some women my age.
Me: You player!
Shampire: Well, I must get going now.
Me: Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: You too. You misguided hopeless excuse for a human being!
Me: And that's the last I heard of the Shampire. I never met him or heard from him since then. He's not my friend. Nor my enemy. Because he's the hero that the world deserves. But not the one it needs right now. And so we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight! (Epic SEASONIC THUNDER!!!)

Few days later, after reviewing my draft

Shampire: Seriously? You sunk that low huh? You had to use the ending of the dark knight for my farewell?
Me: I can tell another ass joke before you go.
Shampire: NO!
Me: So every time you breath, you're technically farting. You are passing air from inbetween your ass-covered cheeks!

Thus ends the Shampire trilogy. He passed away few years later (guess he wasn't immortal) and below is the engraving I carved on his tombstone:

Lo, there do I see my Father..
Lo, there do I see my Mother...
And my Sisters and my Brothers..
Lo, there do I see the line
Of my people back to the beginning..
They do bid me to take my place among them..
In the Halls of Valhalla,
Where the Brave may live forever.

I hope his ghost doesn't come to haunt me for quoting a Viking Prayer! Adios...

the shampire strikes back

image courtesy of Google and MS Paint

Me: Welcome to my first sequel. Today I try to probe further into the life of our friend the Shampire. Without further ado, let me welcome his Holiness.
Shampire: His what? Did you just say his Holiness?
Me: Err my apologies.. Didn't mean to disgrace your name.
Shampire: His Holiness is how the Pope is refered to as. Tell me human, do I even remotely look like his Holiness?
Me: Hahaha.. You said his Holiness. You respect him..
Shampire: Why yes I do. We are both representatives from our respective Gods, and I have to give him his proper dues. (whispers) But between you and me, I don't respect him at all.
Me: It's refreshing to know you hold true to your beliefs your Highness.
Shampire: Sure sure. So errr about the last time we met, I am sorry I chased after you with an AK.
Me: Oh yeah, no worries. I totally understand. By the way, how did you turn that ordinary looking stick into a rifle?
Shampire: My dear child.. it isn't just a stick. It's the Stick of Karma!
Me: The stick of what? Karma??
Shampire: Yeah. It is a very special stick. Shall I tell you how it is made?
Me: Does it matter what I say? You will tell me anyway.
Shampire: LAAM VAAM LAAM! You're right. I would have told you regardless.. So, the Stick of Karma is made from wood from the seven continents of the world. The seven pieces of wood are grated into a container which is filled with water from the five oceans of the world. The mixture is left for weeks, sometimes months or even years and once the container dries up, the powder is moulded into a stick and tadaaa. You have the Stick of Karma.
Me: (looking at Shampire with keen interest)
Shampire: What are you looking at boy? Never saw a man with a beard before?
Me: No no.. I am wondering where your nose hair ends and your moustache begins.
Shampire: Why you ungrateful soul! I am going to beat you with this stick!!
Me: A million apologies my Lord.
Shampire: Well, just don't mock me. Shampires have feelings too (puppy eyes)
Me: So, how do you get to turn that stick into a rifle? Do you boil a rifle in the super wood-from-every-continent-and-water-from-every-ocean mixture?
Shampire: No you fool! Are you an idiot?
Me: Aaah ok. Now I am the idiot.
Shampire: There there.. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Me: It's ok.. It's just that..
Shampire: It's settled then. As I was saying, to turn the Stick of Karma into a weapon, you have to get the weapon you want first.
Me: DUH
Shampire: What was that? You retarded or something?
Me: no comments
Shampire: HHMMPPH! I won't tell you the details anymore. It's a sacred ritual.
Me: Okies. Tell me your nobleness, where are the rest of you?
Shampire: BAA RAA BAA
Me: What the hell? Are you singing?
Shampire: No no you mindless bastard! I was saying I will be right back. I am an Arab, remember?
Me: Aaaaah. You claim to be an Arab but you speak in English to me. How come?
Shampire: Cos you don't know Arabic! Ya Allah! Maa Haaza? Huva kaslaan va laisa indhahu ilmun yarah. Hal huva insaan au haivaan ya rahbee?!!
Me: Oops.
Shampire: Tell me, have you considered my offer to become one of us?
Me: Dear Lord, here we go again...
Shampire: I think the problem is with your attitude. With attitude like that, you can't get anything done.
Me: What do you know? I am a flawed human being.
Shampire: Exactly. Join me my son. Together we will make the world a better place.
Me: Based on our previous encounter it's safe to say your daughter is off limits as a reward. So what is in it for me?
Shampire: Why you selfish bastard! You get eternal salvation. Isn't that enough?
Me: Yeah it is I guess. So when do we start?
Shampire: (Tears flowing) First thing tomorrow morning.
Me: Woohoo
Shampire: I will give you a bag. Your mission is to take the bag over to the playground where they have set up a music show. Once you go there, I will press the button and it will blow up all the infidels to smitherins.
Me: Awesome! It's a deal.
Shampire: Those poor imbicels won't know what hit them.
Together: MuahAHAhAHAHahahAHAHAha

We go our separate ways preparing for the next day.
Time is 4:30 in the morning.

Me: Ummm Shamp.. You awake? We have a problem.
Shampire: What the hell? It's freaking 4:30! Why did you wake me up so early?
Me: I have errr a slight cold and can't carry the bag with me to the playground. Do you mind carrying it for me?

With this, he threw the Stick of Karma up into the air which turned into a cluster bomb. I ran on for dear life as I heard the deafening explosion behind me. I looked back one last time at Shampire and saw him praying to heavens in the burning flame.. The last of his kind.. He was funny, sarcastic, and one hell of a guy. Below is the last thing I remember before I blacked out.. Until next time.. Adi...

an interview with a shampire

It's been a while since I have posted anything. This time I have with me a very special person. He is a shampire. Yes, a shampire, it is not a typo. Let's get on with the interview so that we find out more about what/who this person/thing is...

image courtesy of tintin and the land of black gold by Herges and some random image from google

Me: Hey there bud...
Shampire: What was that??? "Bud"??!!!
Me: Oookay. Sorry about that your holiness. How are you doing on this lovely day?
Shampire: You haven't answered my questions still... Uhh I am doing very good. And how about you?
Me: I am doing good too. Thanks for asking. So can you tell us a bit about uhhhhh your kind?
Shampire: Ahh yes, yes. I was expecting that question from you. We are a dying breed in this world. Our name comes from the Arabic word Sheikh which means a religious scholar and (whispers) just between you and me, irresistbly attractive to young women, and from the English word Vampire which is a supernatural being that feeds on human blood. You get the jist brother?
Me: Oh my, that's quite a combination. I get the jist. I really do. Specially about the young women part (snicker)
Shampire: What was that? Are you mocking me you lowly human?
Me: A thousand apologies Oh splendid one. So what should I call you? You got any name?
Shampire: A name is nothing but a mere cloth we wear on ourselves. My name is...
Me: OKAAAY then Shampire it is.
Shampire: NO. You cut me off before I could say my name. You infidel. I KILL YOU!
Me: And here I was wondering why your kind is so rare in the world...
Shampire: You talk in riddles human.
Me: Ahh do I? We call that sarcasm.
Shampire: You are a Sarcastic? How many Gods do you believe in? Who's your prophet?
Me: LOL! It is not a religion. Sheesh... (wipe tears from my eyes) Anyway, the word "shampire" is a little disturbing. Don't you think?
Shampire: I don't think so. Why did you say that?
Me: Well, a vampire is an enemy of the human race... they feed on our blood. And I get the feeling when you combine that with Sheikh, it is like using religion to prey on the blood of humans.
Shampire: HOW DARE YOU!!! You will burn in the seventh level of Dante's inferno!!!
Me: What was that? I am confused. You believe in Dante's inferno? And also, you aren't even an Arab.
Shampire: Why yes, yes... I like that poem about Dante's inferno. And how do you know I am not Arabic? I wear the male veil and I speak arabic fluently. Kaifal haal ya akhy? Antha majnoon!! LAAM VAAV LAAM
Me: Uhhh the answer is yess? By the way what is that LAAM VAAV LAAM?
Shampire: Oh, That's the arabic version of LOL. Since we don't have an 'O' we use the letter VAAV.
Me: Hahah I get it. You are a funny man.
Shampire: SILENCE! I am not a man. Well literally speaking I am, but I am on a much higher level.
Me: Sooo how do you become a shampire?
Shampire: My son, the path to become a shampire is a long and tough journey. You have to learn how to betray your friends, molest young children, and there is the ultimate test.
Me: OOOO betrayal and molestation. What's next?
Shampire: You have to go and fight in the path of justice, namely the way we believe, and blow yourself up.
Me: WTF?? You'd die then!!!
Shampire: Yes we would die. That means we dont deserve to become a shampire. If we survive then we become a shampire and we live for all eternity.
Me: So are you saying you didn't die during your suicide bombing?
Shampire: Don't call it such a degrading act! It's a jihad, a sacrifice. And yeah, I didn't die.
Me: I am amazed your divine holiness. How did you survive?
Shampire: I caught a cold that day and couldn't go to deliver the bomb.
Me: (Mouth hanging open) I'm out of words....
Shampire: Close your mouth. That's rude.
Me: But you were going on a suicide mission and you bailed out cos of a cold??
Shampire: Why yes.. What's so surprising about it? I had a runny nose and there was no way I was up to blowing myself up.
Me: ...
Shampire: Plus even if we die, we get 70 virgins. 70! Can you imagine that? It will be like multiple orgies!!! Ahem.. Next question please. I have to go to recruit.. uhh I mean enlighten young blood.
Me: So why do you prefer to kill yourself in the name of religion than being a good Muslim and living a religious life?
Shampire: It's really simple. We go to Hajj and how much is it? 50,000 ruffiya to go there? And then we have to wait until we die and hope we dont commit any sins. But you can go to a what we call a Jihadhees ground like Pakistan for 5000 ruffiya where you are guaranteed heaven and let's not forget the 70 virgins.
Me: That's quite disturbing to say the least. So you believe in marrying under age girls?
Shampire: It is not what I believe my son. It is what's right. We marry them and we teach them the carnal pleasures of sex. Who is better to teach them than someone who has known it all and done it all and...
Me: ...and old enough to be their grandpa...
Shampire: SILENCE! Don't you dare cut me off. I'll put a Jihad on you.
Me: Oh dear... you think my scrawny ass will get you 70 virgins?
Shampire: I feel sorry for you. You are a lost soul and I will do my best to bring you into the light.
Me: No no.. no light. I hate the light. I want to be in the dark!!
Shampire: Think about it my son. You'll get eternal pleasures in heaven and you'll get immortality. Plus do what I say and I'll put in a good word for you with the Mulla and get you a high position.
Me: There is only one way I will do it.
Shampire: (with tears gleaming in his eyes) Glory be to God! What is it my lost son?
Me: You have a young daughter who is about 14 years old?
Shampire: Yes yes I do. She is the apple of my eye. My tenth wife gave birth to her when she was 14 years old herself.
Me: I wanna marry her and show her all the carnal pleasures that you talked about. That'll be my first step to eternal salvation.
Shampire: I KILL YOU!!!

At this point he twisted and turned his walking stick which became an AK47 and I ran for dear life as the bullets flew over my head. Until next time. Adios...