the wizard of maldives: an analogy

The following post is rated 'S' for spoilers.

If there is one thing I like as much as cartoons, it is making analogies out of cartoons. You see, analogies are the perfect way to present an idea and...OK OK. I know you know what an analogy is. Let us get on with the post.

gather one, gather all! it's time to give another classic the maldivian treatment

Unlike Alice in Wonderland, for which I did an analogy sometime earlier (have a look), I remember the Wizard of Oz for haunting me the first time I watched the movie as an innocent boy. I have never been the same innocent naive boy since. The Wizard of Oz opened my eyes to the dark side of life: witchcraft, lions, slippers, and finally, flying monkeys! Not to derail from the subject at hand, but let us reminisce the 'dark side of the rainbow' that had avid readers and wannabes everywhere jump with excitement. What I am trying to say here is that the Wizard of Oz literally is the shit! So...now that I am grown up, mature, and flamboyantly handsome, I want to get to the crux of things and see how I can analyze our God-given pearl of a country through the lens of this timeless classic by Frank Baum.

1. I'll start off with the main protagonist: Dorothy Gale. Miss Gale is not your everyday law-abiding citizen. On the contrary, she is in fact one of the most important people in the universe of Oz. Plucked from her home in Kansas, all Dorothy wants is to get back home. However, she is all that stands between good and evil. Furthermore, she is the brains and muscles of her band of misfits. In short, she has big shoes to fill. More on the said shoes later.

eyes on the shoes! she's not some piece of meat for you to ogle at

Throughout the whole book/movie, Dorothy does everything humanly possible to reach home but keeps falling short and ends up having to help the Wizard every single time. In short, she represents each and everyone of us apart from a lucky few. We all have such high hopes and dreams and whatnot, but the majority of us hardly get there. We get hiccups midway, whether it's getting married and popping out a child, or having to settle finances. Either way, in the end we find ourselves quite far from where we wanted to go.

all i wanted was to be a writer who moonlights as a superhero and i have to settle for writing captions!

2. Tin Man

*sigh* i wish!

Apart from not being everyone's superhero from Marvel (and by everyone I mean those who know superheroes through Hollywood), Tin Man represents the service industry of the Maldives. Sure, Tin Man looks all polished and shiny on the outside, but he's as useful as nipples on a breastplate. Likewise, if you have dealt with any place in the Maldives that serves customers, such as Bank of Maldives, IGMH, Dhiraagu, Post Office, and restaurants, to name a few, you'd rue the day you were born. You would not only get piss-poor service, they'll rape your sanity along the way! At a restaurant they'll charge you an arm and a leg despite the shitty service and unwanted 'souvenirs' in your food. At a queue, there'll be one working counter no matter how many people are in line. Despite where you go, one thing they all have in common is that the staff would go out of their way to ensure you have PTSD by the time you are finished.

my face when i get service at *insert any place you want*

3. I don't really have to explain much for this entry, given the name Cowardly Lion. I remember the first time I saw him on TV and literally shat my shorts. He was that scary. However, five minutes later, even my young and very clueless mind was able to grasp the reality of what was unfurling right before my very small eyes. The King of the jungle, the fucking Maharajah of the freaking animal kingdom, was a sissy!

if this clown is the king of the jungle, i'm the goddamned batman!

So what does this closeted cross-dressing (hint hint) Sultan of the wild represent in our country? His hairy majesty represents the unusual tendency of today's youth. Mainly the males' fashion tastes. Even the most bad ass gangster cum drug lord on the streets wears pink shirts and skinny jeans. I know I'm not the one to talk when it comes to fashion and stuff, but hello! At least wear something that does not make us normal folks question your sexuality. What's even grimmer is that many from the up and coming female generation find this abomination manly. Blech!

 imagine fitting your legs and your family jewels in that cone and try not to cringe

4. Scarecrow

be honest with me here and tell me the warner bros logo at the bottom right of the screen didn't remind you of bugs bunny

Scarecrows have only one God-given purpose in their lives: scare the shit out of pests. And, if the Wizard of Oz has given any indication of it thus far, it's that scaring is the one thing our straw-filled friend cannot do. Likewise, we have a fair number of laws in our nation and even though our Constitution fails to match the lengthy prowess of the Constitution of India, we do have a good amount of laws and regulations to govern the state. Furthermore, the legislature keeps enacting new laws every year to empower relevant authorities to make sure people abide laws of the land. I'll tell you one thing this farce has achieved: These laws and whatnot sure have protected the offenders from having to answer in the court of law. Whether it is due to a technical issue or because of lack of evidence, the laws that are enacted to protect the citizens do everything but!

behave!

5. Nothing says the Wizard of Oz like the flying monkeys. They fly, they're sneaky, and they are monkeys! These pesky apes represent the cancer that plagues our nation: the drug addicts, the murderers, the addicts, the rapists, and the thieves. We can argue that we no longer have the very basic right a human should have: feeling secure in our own house. And thanks to the inability of the authorities and lackluster laws (i.e. entry 4), these pests roam free day and night. All the taxpayers are left to do with is to lock their doors and pray it's someone else that gets shagged. There's a loophole though: you are also someone else's someone else. Did that make sense? Never mind.

it's a bird! it's a plane! it's a...bunchofcrazyparteyscomingtofuckingstabyou!

6. Ruby slippers (as promised)

no, it isn't something to ward off foot worshipers

The ruby slippers, though not technically a character, presents the means for our heroine to go to home. If we look at the current state of the country, our biggest target has been establishing democracy. What better way to represent democracy than by a free and fair election? This is what the ruby slippers is to the Maldivians: the very means to establish rule of law and good governance. Oh, did I not mention that even though the ruby slippers have the magic to take us anywhere, us Maldivians always seem to choose an asshole when it comes to decide who to rule us. This is not something that is happening only now. It has been the same throughout our history. And no, I don't mean the past thirty years. Maldives has been around a whole lot longer than that! In the end, even though we know the people who took a dump on us, even though we know they will do it again, we always re-elect them and place them on the pedestal so that we may cower beneath them while they caress our tresses with their poo.

wait a gosh darn minute! are you telling me we've been going round in circles?

7. If you have been reading this post up to this point, you should know we still have a wizard unaccounted for. It would also behoove you to know that the wizard represents the politicians. We fall for their sleazy tricks. Not to mention, politicians are royal dicks who treat their constituents worse than cum rags unless it's time to vote. I'll paraphrase a quote from an incumbent MP who stated that he bought his seats. That it was a business transaction and as businesses go, he had the right to sell his votes, to shift alliances and to you know...be a royal dick. I just cannot fathom how the hell Maldivians not see all this!

i've read harry potter. wizards use brooms to fly. i call shenanigans! 

8. Wicked Witch of the West

No tale is complete without a formidable villain and the Wicked Witch of the West is as villainous as a villain could be.

can i cop a feel...just a little?

No. She does not personify she-hulk wannabe women who like young girls. She stands for something far worse: xenophobia. We have become so insecure in our faith that we have succumbed to identifying everything based on whether it's blasphemous aka laadheenee or accepted in Islam. Whether it's the death of a fellow human being or whether it's simply wishing a new year, we would rather bicker whether the person would go to hell or heaven instead of praying for peace for the departed soul. Or in the case of sending well wishes on an occasion, holier than thou know-it-alls among us would preach non-stop about how wishing someone during their festivities would mean we accept their religion. And don't even get me started on how we see everything as a crucifix or an idol. I mean, it's not like my faith is a snowflake that would melt once the rays from the sun hits it. Or maybe we feel losing our religion is as easy as losing our virginity. I mean, it's not like I'd slip and enter someone and slip out and slip back in again. Is it that easy?

hmm...not sure if this post is laadheenee or not

Until next time. Adios...

6 hidden truths in cartoons

Before I get on with the post, I have a few words of caution: This post is not for the weak or the faint of heart. Because I am going to shatter every sweet fairy tale that you have conjured up in your worthless minds after watching cartoons. I intend to offend you into oblivion and a bit more, like no one has ever done before. I am going to rip and twist your beloved cartoons metaphorically and literally from your hearts and minds, and turn them into your worst nightmare! But since you are still reading this, why not finish and see for yourself?

the faint heart: if your heart looks anything like this, please stop reading!

Webster defines fable as "a narration intended to enforce a useful truth; especially: one in which animals speak and act like human beings," and that's what cartoons are supposed to be. However, yes, a big however, you have not seen the "useful" truth behind cartoons. But fear not my dear and undear readers, for I am here to finally present to you the uncovered useful truths about the cartoons as it should have been interpreted. You will learn, by the end of the day, the utter bitter truth. If you are shocked, I intend to shock you and it is for your own good!

1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

It is a norm that step-moms are the Satan of all things lovable and huggable in a family. Media further perverse the notion by the many evil depictions of stepmothers and is not limited to just 'seductions' of step children by step-moms in the porn industry. But since porn isn't the topic of the day, I will present to you a stepmother loathed by everyone from their early childhood: Snow White's step-mom.

just look at the contours of her face! such concern for her stepdaughter

The hidden truth: Stepmothers love you the most! Yes she tried and to some extent succeeded in feeding Snow White a poisoned apple. But she didn't do it to kill her. In fact she was doing the exact opposite. By her act of valor, the stepmother was saving Snow White from being violated by the seven dwarfs. I know it's quite surprising but it is the absolute blunt truth with no exaggeration or lies. The stepmother went as far as to magically disguise herself as an old woman so that Snow White wouldn't know who had ultimately saved her. Such modesty and dedication was rare during that age and time. All the step-mom wanted was to merely preserve Snow White's chastity so that no one but the Prince could deflower her!

the look of I-want-to-bone-you on their faces says it all: the title said dwarfs. not snow white and the seven eunuchs

2. Sleeping Beauty


If there is one thing that makes a girl bubbly and weak in her knees, it is the thought of waking up to a prince. As stalkarish and creepy as it sounds, girls love the idea, and cartoons such as Sleeping Beauty, which ironically happens to be the only musical I took part in my whole life, created the ultimate being-woken-up-by-a-kiss-fantasy of every girl. Indeed a stranger with his lips puckered up for a kiss the moment you wake up is nice and romantic, but it IS restraining-order nice! I am not complaining though, because it gives us guys all the more indigenous ways to woo a girl. However, while the message that love prevails beyond sleep, witches and whatnot is mildly hinted by this cartoon, many overlook the truly intended message.

girl wooing 101: lesson 3 - lip locking

The hidden truth: We don't have to brush our teeth before we go to bed! Yes my friends and foes. We all remember our parents nagging us since childhood to brush our teeth when we go to bed. That it prevents tooth decay and how bad it would smell if we don't brush. But we are shown in Sleeping Beauty that it is perfectly normal for one to go to bed without brushing. And that too for a 100 years! And when Prince Philip comes on his horse after ass-kicking beasts and magical creatures, he doesn't think twice about savoring the soft luscious lips of the princess who didn't brush her teeth. In his defence, he may not be aware of the oral state of the princess' mouth, but had it been bad, he would have surely broken the kiss after he got a taste of that sweet lass.

then again, who'd care about dental jargon when he gets to tap that?

3. Beauty and the Beast


It is rumored that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that love conquers all. This cartoon is intended to be the ultimate proof of that. It follows the life of an arrogant prince whose pride gets him into trouble with one hot witch-babe. But he manages to lift his curse by winning the love of the hottest thang in the universe of Beauty and the Beast: Belle. It's more than a cartoon which shows that appearance or body hair doesn't matter at all, and shows how much one would sacrifice for true love and family.

i bet you are thinking how the hell he ended up with such a hottie

The hidden truth: Girls always go for douchebags! Please don't raise your eyebrows at me. You know that very well, you self righteous hypocrites. The Beast was nothing but a dickhead to Belle. He imprisoned her father who only sought shelter. Then imprisoned her in return. Treated her like trash, and surprise surprise! She falls in love with him. At the end of the story, the witch-babe's curse didn't do much good to rid the Beast of his pride and douchebaggery. The Beast showed that he didn't even need the looks to clutch the sexiest girl in the universe from the handsomest hunk of a man in the same universe: Gaston.

come on belle: look at that and tell me how you could ignore all that meat!

4. Smurfs


Life is about the survival of the fittest. Species survive based on natural selection. It's a dog-eat-dog world. If you haven't seen any of the last statements in your life, then you'd better read the last line again. OK? Let's get on with it. Smurfs shows a bunch of blue rascals trying to fight or flight against the evil forces of one brilliant mastermind magician aka Gargamel, evading his ploys and tricks to live to fight another day. So the message of the cartoon is crystal clear. If you want to survive, you have to be craftier than the predator and join hands together for survival. If you just nodded, you are right and wrong. I agree that it was A message but once again, you have been fooled my perusing brothers and sisters.

the smurfs had to contend with this menace...

...while their booty was limited to just this!

The hidden truth: We are put on this world to have sex! Procreation has been a major tenet in all Abrahamic religions, and the same idea is inculcated within us since childhood. Inception much? By now you must have guessed I was going to single out Smurfette. I am not implying that she is a slut, because she is doing it mostly for the survival of her kind and a little bit for pleasure. By some unfortunate luck she just happened to be the only female in the colony surrounded by a hundred azure-donged smurfs. As the saying goes, a gal gotta do what a gal gotta do....

do you really believe that this lot sprouted from the ground like mushrooms?

5. Little Mermaid


Little mermaid, similar to some of the aforementioned cartoons, show perseverance in the face of adversity to conquer love. We always sacrifice what we have such as Riches, Fame, Status, and Toys if we want to go progress to the next step of Meslow's hierarchy of needs. So it was only natural that our beloved Ariel would sacrifice her God-given voice for a pair of legs so that she can win the love of Prince Eric and get jiggy with him.

a woman sacrificing her voice? yes

I know what you're thinking (I am afraid I can't show you her goodies)

So the message is quiet clear on this one, right? That love will prevail above all evil. I am afraid that you cannot be more wrong. Little mermaid doesn't show how to win love. It doesn't even show that you should sacrifice to win over one's heart. It gives you a very sexist message. And I hope that you, my fellow and unfellow readers, would forgive me for what I am about to reveal.

The hidden truth: Guys don't want to hear girls talk! That's darn right. Ariel gave up her voice and she need not say a thing for Prince Eric to fall head over heels in love with her. Ariel didn't have to sing or speak sweet nothing into his ears. Once she dazzled Eric with her moneymakers, everything fell into place naturally.

do you really want Ariel to run her mouth off and ruin the perfect mood?

6. Land Before Time

Ever had to deal with a bully, or for you female types, a bitch? If you answered no, you'll just have to bear with me. That's your punishment for not knowing. The rest of you can relate to how Littlefoot and his companions would have felt through the entire cartoon as they tried to survive the onslaught brought about by this ghastly creature:

they are just kids. bad sharptooth!

So what did our prehistoric friends do? They killed the mofo! In an epic battle second only to the battle of the Second Bull Run, Littlefoot and his dino-friends finally got rid of the autoerocticismically-challenged son of a bitch.

hasta la vista baby

Yes a point of the cartoon was to show if you're a bully karma will find you, and that you'll end up with your family in the end. But (if you haven't guessed already) there is more than meets the eye. And that which did not meet the eye is...

The hidden truth: Bitches! The real bitch in this cartoon isn't Sharptooth. In fact, it is our three-horned non-stop yapper: Cera. From start to finish she maintains her bitchdom supremacy to cosmic levels. However, the rest of the team put up with her because they knew that if they had to survive, they needed her bitchiness to balance the good and the evil within the team. The Land Before Time is teaching you and your kids that they should tolerate bitches!

exhibit a: one bitch to rule them all, one bitch to find them. one bitch to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

That's enough ranting for one post. Until next time. Adios...

alice in wonderland: an analogy

I am sure everyone remembers Alice in wonderland from their childhood for one or more reasons. I remember it cos I watched the entire cartoon before Alice wakes up and realizes the whole thing was a dream! Plus the wierd and the illogical characters just make me want to bash their heads together. Sorry there, I didn't mean to sound so violent. Moving on, this time I am trying to do something quite.. well.. you be the judge of it..

1. Wonderland: First and foremost there is wonderland. A place where anything is possible. Everything defies nature's law. Looking at our little Maldives, it brings to mind the promise of a better Maldives or better known as Aneh Dhivehiraajje in the political language. And it has definitely been another Maldives. But unlike the story, our wonderland is one God forsaken shit hole where we are quitely rotting away as a society..

wonderland huh? you've all been fooled!

2. White Rabbit: How could I ever forget the white rabbit who looked as if he had ants crawling up his legs.. White rabbit is one of the mildest character (in my opinion) in the story. All he wants is to get to the queen in time and stay out of trouble. He represents the average worker; always working hard but never appreciated. Always running from place to place in the hope of pleasing an insatiable boss. Our society has become so work centered that the people do not have the time to spend with their own family. Instead we work our Knuts off to make ends meet.

look at him and tell me how you can not sympathize with the poor guy

3. Dodo: This proud marauding excuse of a bird represents the rich people in our society. You people twist and cut every corner to get richer while the poor get shat on.

just look at the SOB! smiling and all..

4. Mad Hatter: Mad Hatter is one confusing son of a gun! He talks in riddles and always makes a point to show that he is important. Mad Hatter is the personification of the media in our country. The same story is twisted to play with the people's minds. The media claims to be the fourth power of a democracy but has been nothing but a poor facade of immature impersonators thus far.

atleast get a better attire. SUIT UP!

5. Bill the Lizard: Bill is one hard working dude, carrying a ladder with him. He is the go-to guy when you need something done at your house. He is the so called bangaalhee that we see all over the country. We Maldivians are so full of ourselves that we cannot even do the simplest of jobs by ourselves. Shame!

bill bill bill. you work so hard because we are so lazy

6. Caterpillar: This pea sized brain smoking little life form is the exact replica of our parliament. It doesn't remember what it sees and it doesn't know what it's talking about. And least of all, it doesn't even remember the person it has once met. It's multi segmented body and multiple hands show how most, if not all, members of the parliaments are good for nothing crooks who want to fulfill their self interests.

and the bastard has the nerve to look at Alice suspiciously!

7. Cheshire Cat: This smiling felid is one hell of a creature and it is the perfect personification of our judiciary. When Alice asks the tooth-fairy-watched-cat about where to go, the cat says, "If you don't know where you are going, it doesn't matter which path you take." (I am not sure about the exact words, but you get the jist) This is the perfect representation of how we could have a system which allows a pedophile to get away even when the sick bastard agrees to doing the deed! Democratic reform my ass!

I am sorry little child, you did not say 'no' when he was raping you.

8. The Queen of Hearts: She has a thing for head. NO, I mean the kind where she wants to cut it off. Between her and Dexter, I don't know who is the scarier one. The Queen of Hearts represents.... *drum rolls* you love to hate them! it's the one and only IGMH! Yes, just when we thought IGMH could not get any worse, they decided to behead a dead baby! Well done IGMH, well-freaking-done!

if I got a cent for everytime she wanted to cut off someone's head...

9. Flowers: Remember the flowers that Alice runs into at the garden? The ones that sing and seemed mushy lovey dovey and suddenly turns on Alice because she was apparantly a 'weed'? These flowers, my fellow readers, are the next generation of our country. With everyone succumbing to conformity and group think, violence, murder, and stealing have gone off the roofs and they are just running wild on the streets.

look at the spoiled brats!

9. Alice: Aaaaah, Alice. Our innocent little Alice. She has a hard time deciding how much to eat/drink to be the right size. In fact, it's like her size is floating between being a giant and a dwarf. Oh yes! Much like the dollar exchange rate in the country. Enough said.

look at her.. $o innocent.. $o $mall, $o big... and yet.. $o floatable..

That's it for now. Until next time. Adios...