Sunday, December 19, 2010

against discrimination


It's been a while since I have posted anything and wanted to come back with a BANG this time... (pause for apllause) Thank you... So it seems things have been quite crazy in the crowdiest, most dangerous, craziest, shitiest, most.. err okay, enough with the supelatives.. (pause for mild laughter) capital of the world aka Male'.

The latest news on my mind is the issue of the Israelis in our beloved country. Sure, we have no place for the star of David on our national colors and neither do we want to ally with the scum of the Earth that are jews... (pause for cheer) but, I must say, seriously people? You got nothing better to do than get out of your houses and protest in the streets just because some Jews are in the country? (let the news sink in)

Go ahead, hate me for what I am about to say.. curse me.. well, not literally.. I'm too young to die yet.. need to do certain things before I pass away (knock on wood)

Sorry, I got carried away there. Getting back on track, the Israelis are here! Their doctors are operating on our people because we lack the most essential of health care. Not to mention they do have their own agendas as well; such as gathering intelligence on our country, promoting their values, and gaining symapthy for their cause. I'm probably confusing you right now, aren't I? (audience nods in agreement)

HORSE SHIT!! I'm not advocating them being in the Maldives any more than I advocate our government officials running the country, but hey.. it is out of my control. (quick smile at the audience)

The presence of the Israeli (these people are a cause for trouble. I'm having a hard time with the spelling itself. Imagine how the people would be!) doctors did not bother be much just because they are Jews. Two things bothered me;

1. There are Islamic countries who have good doctors (to be fair, any country has better health care systems than us) but I do not see their teams of doctors coming into the country to help our folks. All I see are people who come to give sermons and promote the religion. Dude, we need REAL aid to this country from you people. The Israeli team does have their own agendas for coming to this country, but even so, they have the stone-clad balls to come here, a 100% Muslim country, and do their thing in the name of medicine. Why cannot the Muslim countries provide the same health even with their own agendas. It is not much with all the oil they are drilling from the earth each day.

2. The haste with which we (*sniff* I have to include myself as well) judge others are simply.. what is a good word to decribe.. (keep the audience guessing).. aaah yes, preposterous! We do not have the right to judge anyone else. Who am I, or you, to decide how someone else is? (for the sake of argument, I can judge you all for who you are in this post)

There, that is my beef with all the protesters from the weekend. Stop stereotyping! Have you forgotten the new born baby who was thrown away at Hulhumale? Did the Israelis make the mother do that? What about all the freaking deaths caused by stabbing? Are the Israelis responsible for that? HELL NO! It is the good for nothing Maldivians who did all that! Furthermore, they cannot be convicted because of lack of evidence. AAAAARRRRGHH!! If I stab someone in front of everyone, what more evidence do you need? Well, in my case, you will not need because I am expendible (wait for a sympathetic 'awwww' from the audience)

The acts from the weekend does nothing but diminish our place in the world. Do not get me wrong, I am not happpy with the idea of establishing diplomatic ties with Israel. The reason for that is far beyond my scope of reach, but why don't the Islamic organizations and teams in the Maldives establish better ties with the Islamic countries. The same goes to the government and the President. This is a cause for major concern (temporary interruption: *salute* Major Concern) We need to make sure that the aid from the Islamic countries are not limited to providing an hour long speech about religion but rather that it provides more physical aid.

This part of the post is for our good-for-nothing opposition politicians. The only reason you created a fuss about the whole thing is to oppose the government. If you are all so keen to protect the religion as you claim, you would have done a better job with all the bills and everything that goes in your circus.. oops I meant to say the parliament. (pause for laughter) So, you are not any better than the Israelis who are here. Atleast they have the chocolate-covered-titanium balls (girls love it and guys cannot crush it) to show up with their hidden agendas.

Anyway, I think I have rambled enough for tonight. I would like to leave you with two things. First, we can marry a Jewish woman. If they are such a bad people, would our religion allow it? Secondly, look at the hand on the top of this article. The fingers are of different colors and are of different length. Does the red pinky make the hand any less of a hand? Does the yellow thumb hinder its grip? (wait for the audience to disagree) Exactly! We have to judge the hand for what it can do regardless of what it looks like or the length of its fingers. Likewise, regardless of whether a person is a Muslim, Jew, Christian, Hindu, or any of the other hundred or so religions in the world, what matters is whether the person is a good human. The rest of the judgement is up to God. And FYI, the pinky is yellow and the thumb is red. I was testing your attentiveness. Adios... (standing ovation)

Monday, October 18, 2010

the princess and the dragon



Long time ago, in a faraway land, there lived a princess. She was the second child of the proud king and queen of the kingdom of Gaisha. They lost their first child, a handsome boy, long time ago and thus, the new baby seemed like their first child again. They named her Kahlan and she was very beautiful. On the day she was born, the whole kingdom was merry with joy and laughter. All the people got off from work early to decorate the entire kingdom in preparation for the birth of their future queen. Old and young alike were dancing and singing on the streets. Flags were raised everywhere and fireworks filled the night sky. The atmosphere was alive, full of happiness… enough to bring back the dead!

Suddenly, the sky went dark. All the fireworks that were going ‘BOOM’ in the sky went quiet. As the people looked around wondering what was going on, a tall man wearing a cloak as dark as night itself walked into the room. But wait, he was not touching the ground! It was as if he was walking on air. He looked around as he made his way, walking in midair, towards the throne where the king and queen sat clutching their daughter tightly. The stranger’s face was blank. It showed no emotion. Once he reached the king he said, “Oh my King.” His voice was loud. Like his face, it had no emotion. “It’s nice to see you so happy with your daughter,” he continued. “My dear King, I want your daughter. I want to raise her so that she will become my queen.” The king got very angry hearing this and yelled, “GUARDS! Arrest this man!”

All the guards in the castle came running towards the man with their swords and lances ready to kill the man who was threatening to take away their princess. But alas, the man just waved his finger and all the guards stopped moving. They were frozen in place as if being held by invisible chains. “HAHAHA,” the man laughed… his first sign of emotion. It was haunting and evil. “I am a wizard and no one can stop me my dear and foolish king.” He looked around as he said this and the people cowered under his cold and evil stare. “Give me what I want and I will not harm anyone… or else!!” His voice boomed through the whole castle. At these words, the queen broke down crying. She could not even imagine the pain of losing her baby princess. “You cannot have her… you evil man..,” she exclaimed through her sobs. The evil wizard roared with laughter and came towards the queen. “Get out of my way dear queen,” he warned. With a wave of his fingers he made the baby fly into his hand. “NOOOOO…,” the queen cried out with so much pain and sorrow but the wizard paid no attention and turned around to leave the castle. People were crying now, not knowing what would happen to them.

All of a sudden, the whole sky went bright. People covered their eyes at the light that filled the darkness that the wizard brought. When they opened their eyes, they saw a dragon flying in the sky. It was the most beautiful thing anyone ever saw. Its body was blue, pink, and green. The dragon was flapping its wings to stay and it reflected the light in all the directions bringing out a frenzy of colors. “MY NAME IS MODENA AND I AM GOING TO STOP YOU,” the dragon bellowed as it landed on the castle grounds. The wizard was suddenly struck with fear. He tried to smile at the dragon and said, “I did not mean any harm.” Modena stared at the wizard with his bright red eyes as if he didn’t believe a word the evil wizard said. The wizard sensed this and looked around quickly trying to find a way to flee with the princess.

The wizard suddenly jumped into the air and tried to fly away from the castle. Modena flapped his wings and lifted off to follow him. When the wizard sensed the dragon following him, he turned around and waved his free hand towards the dragon. Out of nowhere, chains popped out of the sky and wrapped around the dragon. Modena roared loudly and broke free and flew towards the wizard who was escaping. But wait… the chains were alive!! They were like snakes. The chains had mouths on its ends and he could hear it hiss as it chased after Modena. Modena paid no attention to this and tried to save the baby princess. He thought about breathing fire but he could not do anything to the wizard because he might hurt the baby. Modena felt a sudden tug on his leg and saw that the chains had caught up to him. One of it was biting on his leg and wrapped itself around him. The next chain got a hold of his other leg. Modena thought that he could not give up and used all of his energy and grabbed the chains with his hand. Once he got a hold of the chains, he threw it in the air and blasted a big breath of fire. The people on the ground could see the fire. It wasn’t like any normal fire they saw. It was bright bluish white with a slightly red outline. They could hear the chains hiss as if in pain when the flame hit it. When Modena stopped breathing fire, there were no signs of the chain. He was free and continued to chase after the wizard. He caught up to the wizard and roared, “UNHAND HER!!” “As you wish…,” the wizard replied with an evil grin and dropped the baby.

Modena roared with anger and slashed across the wizards face with his sharp claws. The blow made the wizard faint and the wizard fell to the ground. Modena looked down in horror as he saw the baby heading towards the ground. He dove down… using all of his strength, flapping his wings wildly, gasping for air and praying for luck. People were gathering on the ground looking in horror at what might happen. Modena didn’t want to give up. He was too close to saving the baby. The ground was coming closer and with one final burst of energy Modena leapt forward and got his hand on the baby! Modena held the baby tightly. There were sighs of relief from the crowd below but it soon turned to horror again as they realized that the dragon cannot stop now. Modena was too close to the ground that he couldn’t change his direction. He hugged the baby against his chest as he crashed on the ground with a loud and thunderous THUD!!

The ground shook and the people gathered around the dragon. The king and queen ran up to the dragon wondering what the fate of their child was. As they neared Modena, who was on his back slightly moving, they heard the baby’s cry. The queen went up to the dragon and grabbed the baby and held her as if she would never let her go. The king came up to the dragon and thanked him over and over again. The king asked, “Dear dragon, why did you risk your life to save Kahlan’s life?” Modena looked at the king and smiled, “Because Kahlan is my baby sister and I am your long lost son father.” The king was surprised but very happy to hear that. Suddenly there was another bright light and Modena disappeared. Instead, there was a handsome boy lying there. He got up and looked around at his mother and father. “The evil wizard turned me into a dragon and I wanted to save my sister from the same thing.” The queen came and hugged her son while everyone clapped and cheered, for the future for the kingdom of Gaisha looked bright once more.

Well, I wanted to give you all something different and hope you enjoyed. Adios...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

things the world would be better off without

As Sebastian says, the human world is a mess. There are many needless garbage we need to throw out. Yes, I said NEEDLESS garbage because some garbage can be recycled, reused, or even refurbished. However, this is a list of things that wouldn't even be useful as garbage. It would ultimately give garbage a bad name. If garbage used things, and threw away its garbage, it would still be.. oops.. I went on a tangent there. Sorry folks. Wait. Why am I apologizing? It's my blog. Oops I did it again! Anyway, below are some things, in no particular order, that the world would be better off without.

1. Edward the-gampire Cullen

edward cullen- the boy who died

It's hard not to root for the hero in a movie, but our flamboyant vampire makes me wish otherwise. Dude, you got casted as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter. Now that suits you more. You thought you had all the glory, but bloody Harry Potter stole your thunder and you ended up being collateral damage. If twilight was like that, who knows what would have happened? And what's with that skin of yours? You look like a freaking glitter pen came all over you! Alright, you got me. I use a glitter pen. So sue me!

 2. Politicians

think this picture is taking it a tad bit too far?

I did that thing that psychologists do with word association. When I said the word politicians out loud, my inner voice said Satan. Hence, the picture. I don't wanna write anything about politicians because their hopcrisy and their sadistic nature is general knowledge. It's not even good for trivia.

3. (spelling pending approval)

I spent more time googling this picture than writing this post

Ok.. So I wanted to get a picture of our self claimed 'super star' and I had to try so many spellings before I got a hold of his picture. Sheesh! If you're gonna claim stardom, atleast spell your name the same way twice. Season, Seazun, Seazan, Seasun, Seasan, Czun, Czan, Czun, Seesan, Seesun, Seeson, Ctzun, Ctzan, and Ctzun are some names I tried before I got a hit. Unbelievable!

4. Justin Beiber

 meh

I'll be honest. I don't even know this kid. I hate him just for the hell of it. Are you seriously wearing a purple sweater while showing the peace symbol? The Palestinians called. They want you to stop using the peace symbol to fix your feminine hormone rush. If I see you in person while making that gesture, I'll make you swallow your own peace symbol. Peace out dude!

5. The Teletubbies

awww look at you all. so happy and witty. DIE!! DIE!!!!! 

You may argue I hate them because I am no longer a kid. I hated it as a kid! Screw the people who tell me that cartoons are stupid because it's not real. Seriously? Having grown men in some gay costume running around talking like drunk lunatics is real? AAAARRRRGGGGHH!! I am too angry to write even..

(after sometime to cool off)

If you know me at all, you'd realize someone is missing on this list. Yes it's

6. Barney
a purple T-Rex? what will they think of next?

My hatred of Barney lies right within my core. The day I look at Barney with any sort of good will is the day I shoot myself. To convey how much I despise this abomination to all the dinosaurs, I will write a little song. It goes to the tune of the song 'Heigh-Ho' from Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

We kill kill kill kill kill kill kill at home the whole day through
To kill kill kill kill kill kill kill is what we really like to do
It ain't that hard to kill him quick
If you kill kill kill with a shovel or a pick
In his bed! In his bed! In his bed! In his bed!
Where Barney sits and whines

We kill kill kill kill kill kill kill from early morn till night
We kill kill kill kill kill kill kill till we know he has died
We hold him up by his throat
A thousand tears, sometimes more
But we don't know what we kill him for
We kill kill kill a-kill kill
 
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to kill we go
(whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to kill we go
(whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho hum

Heigh-ho (until fade)

You may think this is overkill. Tell me, do you want a...

pink batman!!!??? or patman if you'd please. think about this...

Until next time. Adios...

Monday, October 4, 2010

the shampire chronicles

If you read my blog, I assume you have met the Shampire. Last time we met, things got pretty ugly to say the least. But behold the miracles of modern medicine! Guess who's back?

The SHAMPIRE!

and he is pissed!

Me: Guess what the cat dragged in? You're alive! WOW!
Shampire: Pfffttt! I am not talking to you.
Me: What happened?
Shampire: (stares at me with emo-eye-linered eyes)
Me: Aaahhh. You're angry about how things ended last time we met.
Shampire: Angry is an understatement! You almost got me killed!!
Me: But you didn't die.
Shampire: I could have.
Me: But you didn't.
Shampire: I could have!!!
Me: So you couldn't?
Shampire: Why you little bitch!
Me: Man, you must be pissed.
Shampire: An apology would be nice.
Me: My heartfelt apologies for almost killing you. I never thought it would get that epic.
Shampire: See? That's your problem. you never think. You just do!
Me: Enough with the apologies, so how are you still alive?
Shampire: It's a miracle. You left me for dead after my Stick of Karma blew up.
Me: Oh yeah. It was quite...
Shampire: (Evil eyes)
Me: Please go on with your story.
Shampire: The medics came and rushed me into the ER and the doctors performed surgery on me.
Me: Yeah I must say, you look quite different now. Almost as if you're too young.
Shampire: Thank you! You see, my skin was completely burnt for the most part. So the docs had to remove skin from my... (blushes)
Me: Let me guess. Your butt?
Shampire: My hips. Well.. Near my hips. Lower back.
Me: So your ass?
Shampire: Alright alright. My bottom. They removed the skin from my bottom. Don't worry. It's not as bad as
Me: FACE! BWAHAHAHAHA
Shampire: I am leaving right now! You always end up pissing me off.
Me: My apologies once again. But you look so different now.
Shampire: Yes yes my child. I am quite different now. Remember how I was like back in the day?
Me: Yeah. You were a sadistic sexist who used religion as a tool to fool others.
Shampire: Well.. I guess that sums it up. So anyway, while recovering from my life threatening injury, I realized the error of my ways and decided to change.
Me: How so?
Shampire: First of all, I have given up on believing in underage marriages, about having concubines, and blindly killing the innocent in the name of religion.
Me: I can't believe I am saying this. BUT those are what you are all about. What about the fear that strikes people's hearts when we say the word 'shampire'?
Shampire: I still believe in religion and some of those hardcore rules.
Me: So what are you now?
Shampire: I am still a shampire. But in simplest terms, let's say I am a vegetarian.
Me: What? O_o
Shampire: Listen here my child. I just don't want to brainwash people anymore and hurt innocents. My beliefs and ideologies stay with me. That's what I mean by saying I'm a vegetarian.
Me: So now you're gay?
Shampire: HOW DARE YOU?!!!
Me: I see that almost dying didn't change your nasty temper.
Shampire: It's not like I am a different person now. But
Me: FACE!!!!! LAAM VAAV LAAM!
Shampire: Why, I am going to beat you up with this stick.
Me: Is that a new Stick of Karma?
Shampire: This piece of junk? It's just a normal stick I keep with me.
Me: Alright. The docs, what kind of surgery did they perform?
Shampire: It was plastic surgery ofcourse.
Me: But to replace the damaged skin they had to perform another surgery, huh?
Shampire: Yes. And your point is?
Me: Did they do open-ass surgery on you? MuahAHAHAHahAHHAHAHAhAHAH
Shampire: (Shakes head) Sometimes I wonder why I even talk to you.
Me: Tell me, what's next for you?
Shampire: I want to live a quite life. Cause no trouble. Might even fool around a bit with some women my age.
Me: You player!
Shampire: Well, I must get going now.
Me: Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: You too. You misguided hopeless excuse for a human being!
Me: And that's the last I heard of the Shampire. I never met him or heard from him since then. He's not my friend. Nor my enemy. Because he's the hero that the world deserves. But not the one it needs right now. And so we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight! (Epic SEASONIC THUNDER!!!)

Few days later, after reviewing my draft

Shampire: Seriously? You sunk that low huh? You had to use the ending of the dark knight for my farewell?
Me: I can tell another ass joke before you go.
Shampire: NO!
Me: So every time you breath, you're technically farting. You are passing air from inbetween your ass-covered cheeks!

Thus ends the Shampire trilogy. He passed away few years later (guess he wasn't immortal) and below is the engraving I carved on his tombstone:

Lo, there do I see my Father..
Lo, there do I see my Mother...
And my Sisters and my Brothers..
Lo, there do I see the line
Of my people back to the beginning..
They do bid me to take my place among them..
In the Halls of Valhalla,
Where the Brave may live forever.

I hope his ghost doesn't come to haunt me for quoting a Viking Prayer! Adios...

Friday, September 10, 2010

women 101


Someone said to me the other day that I objectify women. Naturally I resented that. But then my friend said the same thing when I told him about it. So here I am, scrutinized for something I don't even know about. However, it got me thinking. Maybe it's not that I objectify women. Maybe it's women who objectify themselves and I see it. Kind of like the movie; sixth sense. Hence, here is my objectification of different types of women. Before I get ahead of myself, If this post seems sexist in anyway, then it probably is and if this offends you, I probably wanted to offend you. Now that we got it out of the way, let us begin:
(DRUM ROLL followed by the deafening buzz of the vuvuzela)

1. The Phillips Woman: let's make things better
This is the other woman. The woman that guys cheat on with. She promises something a lot better and the guy falls for it. Let's say the man is a goat. The goat sees grass on the otherside and rushes over to eat it, thinking it's greener. To be fair, sometimes it IS greener.

2. The Hitachi Woman: for deeper penetration
Well, this is the kind of woman who has a lot of experience and has been well used (if you know what I mean). They are more commonly known as MILFs and sometimes mistaken for cougars. Though to be a cougar, one piece of the woman's undergarment must be see-through.

3. The Maldivian Woman: flying made simple
Can I make this any simpler? This is the woman who doesn't give a rat's ass as to what goes in the relationship. She doesnt give a damn! She doesn't give a crap! If crap ate crap and crapped crap, she still wouldn't give a second glance at it. I think I made my point...

4. The Dhiraagu Woman: keeps you in touch
Now this is a tricky woman; some guys like her while others don't. They are the touchy dovey type. They literally show their love by clinging on to you and watch your every move. Slightly stalkerish at times, but they are honest with their feelings.

5. The Wataniya Woman: life's good, share it
Many mistake the Wataniya Woman for anti-Dhiraagu Woman. However, they aren't related despite the close proximity of the affiliated merchandise brand-name. The Wataniya Woman is the person who tries to make you feel better. They try to show how good things are when your life has gone down the slums. Just one bright ray of sun shine that reaches the abyssal zone of the Pacific!

6. The Police Woman: to protect and serve
Aaaah... the infamous rebound. They will be there for you right after your woman dumps you. They will do everything to make you happy, promise to protect you, and will give you love, lots and lots of love.

7. The MNDF Woman: duty, honor, country
Now this is the woman you should all try to avoid. They are loyal, honest, religous, infact too religous. They are covered from head to toe because it's their duty to hide themselves from everyone. Covering themselves protects their honor, and bound by their duty and their honor, they save the country for the future generations. While it is good to protect one's honor, covering yourself so that the only way we men can judge whether you are beautiful or not is by looking at your palm is not cool. Hello!!! Beauty IS only skin deep, so give us something to work with!

8. The Master Card Woman: there are somethings that money can't buy...
You get stuck with the Master Card Woman, better pray you get a pay check that's fatter than a 14-inch strap-on because she will spend every cent you earned and then leave you for another guy. Yeah it sucks, but you HAD to choose her so it's partly your fault that she left you.

9. The Bose Woman: better sound through research
Please welcome the insatiable one! The Bose Woman will always look for the next best guy. She can never be satisfied no matter the size of your pay check or your cherry pecker. She always looks for the next best thing!

10. The ROL Woman: internet the way it's meant to be
This woman doesn't guarantee that she's the best you could get but rather it's a compromise. You go through life meeting different women and you reach a point when you realize it's a never ending battle and you settle for someone. You convince yourself it's the right person for you and justify your action by saying it's how life should be (but we all know you're lying to yourself).

11. The Goosebumps Woman: reader beware! you're in for a scare!
The name is self explanatory. This is the psychopath woman. Leave them, hurt them, or make them feel any emotion at all, and they will do anything from stabbing you with a fork to cutting off your right testicles. Yes, apparently the Goosebumps Woman can tell the right from the left!!

12. The Storm of The Century Woman: give me what I want and I'll go away
Say hello to the nagger. She won't stop talking until she gets what she wants. There is no end to it. It'll be just like the movie from dusk till dawn, except that it will contain fewer (most likely no) hot strip scenes, and more of the vampires sucking the blood out of you scenes! This yapper, never stops yapping. If she was a bird, she'd be a naggot! See what I did there? I combined nagger with parrot! Hah!

Well, I can go on with this forever, but I will stop here. And for you girls reading this and thinking I objectify only women, you are quite wrong. Here is the simple truth about Men. Every man is (wait for it)

A Sony Man - it's a sony
Yup! Regardless of what you see, you get the same thing. If your man looks like a jerk, then he is a jerk. If he looks like a saint, then he is a jerk. If he looks like a pious guy who will never hurt you, then he is a jerk. I think I have made myself crystal clear on this.

Until next time, Adios...

Saturday, June 26, 2010

if i was the president

I have come to notice that everyone is a politician these days. There is no need to study, live a good life, or even be 'human' in order for one to become involved in politics. Hence, I decided to give this a try and unfold how things would be if I was the president.

1. First and foremost, I will not make any promises. I would only listen and offer to 'think' about the issues at hand. That way, no one can call me a liar.

That's right. There will be no vows under the full moon during my reign!

2. There will be justice for all. I will look into our 2000 year old history and prosecute each and everyone for their abuse of our beloved nation. If the suspect is deceased, I will look for a living descendant and that person will pay for the crime. Everyone gets what they deserve (some more deserving than others).

Watch out Rannamaari king. Justice League is coming for you and your offsprings!

3. There will be absolute transparency.

 Transparency: from the things we use...

...to the dress we wear!

 4. The people will have the right to choose everything through a referendum. The kids can choose their parents. If the father doesn't meet the satisfaction of the household, the child can call for a no-confidence vote and the father can be axed and power given to a new and capable individual.

Small note: I alone reserve the power to oust myself (evil grin)

5. There will be prompt punishment for molesters, rapists, and murderes. It can range from public executions to (more fun) torturing shows on the streets. Once again I reiterate "Justice for all!"

figure 1: A possible idea for torturing a rapist. The setup can be modified to hook the chains onto his more delicate organs.

6. I will dismantle the tsunami monument and use the steel to make harpoons and kill errr I mean prosecute the so called 'stars' of Mollywood.

I don't know what will be the greater good: getting rid of the monument or the stars...

7. I will privatise each and everything.

Yes. You will now be paid to go and pray.

8. There will be no weekly radio adresses to the nation. Instead I will play a song on the radio which captures the mood of the country for that week.
 
This may sound selfish, but people, get ready to listen to death metal on a weekly basis.

 9. I will uphold the constituion of the country and ensure that all the lawyers do their job and keep the junkies and fundies behind bars. There will be no 'we didn't get enough evidence' bullshit during my presidency. I will ensure the law is bent in everyway possible to convict the suspect for his/her crimes.

I will twist, cut corners, and blackmail to make sure the Constitution is upheld!

10. Maldives will hold the 2018 FIFA World Cup!

The competition ball will be called the DHIBULANI and will be made by sonee sports. I will also ban the vuvuzelas and introduce the bubuzelas (bubu is the local tongue for bodu beru)


Until next time. Adios people...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

5 things you should know about the maldives


We all love the Maldives. We claim that visitors from all over the world come to maldives after seeing the beauty of it (pun intended). I think that our beloved visitors aka piñatas filled with cash should know about our country before they set foot here. Here are five things you should know about the Maldives and to be honest, even us Maldivians need to know this as well. Let's start, shall we?

1. Your ability to yell and swear with no shame will grant you better jobs than a Doctorate in nuclear engineering.


2. Only two things can unite the Maldivian people: a tsunami and the SAFF Championship.


3. Any public display of affection is disallowed but you can grope, bump, and grind on the national television and it's perfectly legal and much encouraged.


4. Theatrical success is measured by how much the movie can make you cry


5. You are guilty unless proven innocent

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

a modest proposal


In today’s world of escalating cost in living standards and declining job opportunities, life has become a game of survival of the fittest. People will go to any extremes to fulfill their needs. In other words, the world has become a “dog-eat-dog” environment. While some people try to work on the simple job they have and pray that the income will be enough, others make an effort to seek a better job, or at least a better source of income. Taking only profit into consideration, the drug market is an extremely high-profit industry and is the reason why it should be made legal.

According to Eric Green, more than 2.2 million pounds of drugs entered the United States in 2004, which has a street value of more than 2.6 billion dollars (US Department of State's Bureau of International Information Programs). That is more than the total expenditure of most Asian, Latin American, and some European countries (CIA-World Fact Book). If the United States were to start a drug industry, it would greatly enhance the economies of Third World Countries by providing many job opportunities.

If we look at the U.S Drug Enforcement Administration statistics of 2001 and 2002, the average price of cocaine ranges from $12,000 to $35,000 per kilogram; while the average price of methamphetamine ranges from $3,500 to $21,000 per kilogram; and the average price of marijuana ranges from $400 to $1,000 per pound. There is a chance, in this market, for the small businessmen out there who do not have the capital to do business on a larger scale. Given just three drugs; think of how much poverty that could be reduced by this business considering the additional drugs available for consumption.

The drug business is an ideal way to deal with the growing unemployment situation in the world. Green states, in his article, that there were more than 56,000 attempts to smuggle drugs in to the United States (United States Department of State's Bureau of International Information Programs). If it was made legal, the drug trade would lower the unemployment rate, a huge factor for the high number of crimes in the World, not only in the United States, but also in Colombia, Mexico, and other Asian countries. It will be just like farming, but instead of corn or soy beans, drug plants will be the cash-crop. As Raphael and Winter-Ebmer state in their journal, the overall “property crime rates” decline of “slightly more than 40 percent” from 1992 to 1997, can be credited to the decrease in the unemployment rate (281). So, in addition to helping better the economy, the drug industry will also reduce the crime rates, making the society a symbol of peace and harmony.

If the drug industry is working well, it will increase the government’s revenue. Looking at the figures, there are 2.6 billion dollars worth of drugs, and, if taxed at 5 percent, we would yield around 130 million dollars in revenue. Then, giant drug-farms can be designed and built.

To yield an even better income, scientists who can use biotechnology to enhance plant growth would be hired. Should that technique be able to produce enough to satisfy the country’s demand, the product could be exported to other countries and could slowly become a monopoly. The government can then impose an export tax and get almost the same amount of money as from previous taxes. In addition, the business now been centered in the country, will bring a better income to the companies involved in the business. Using the price of drugs already given, the income from taxes can be doubled as tax by having the drug exported. So this plan along with sales from exporting the drugs will bring a total predicted income of 2.86 billion dollars.

The income from this business could be used to finance the beneficial programs such as the President’s carbon neutrality program. The income could also be used by the educational program. If revenues from the drug industry are used, it would provide a huge portion, if not all, of the educational budget. So, literally, the total expenditure could be cut down or it can be used for further societal improvement. In other words, the drug industry could lead to a Maldives that is economically more stable.

The drug industry; it seems is the perfect way to earn a living. Others’ resources could be used to develop a business that would become a dominant force in the economy. It would lead to a country with an incredibly lower crime rate. Given these facts, one has to wonder why the drug trade is resented so much in the Maldives. Of course, voices could be and will be raised against this proposal. One may go on to argue about the ill-effects drugs have on our health. But, if all we want is a profitable business, why not choose the necessary evil? The drug industry could make one rich, which in turn makes him highly respected, and a social figure in the society; all factors which make a man powerful, and imagine all of this happening in such a short amount of time. I propose to give this a thought. Adios…

References:

Green, Eric. “United States Reports Further Success in Drug War.” United States Department of State's Bureau of International Information Programs. 13 Jan. 2005. 21 Sept. 2005

Raphael, Steven and Winter-Ebmer, Rudolf. “Identifying the Effect of Unemployment on Crime” The Journal of Law and Economics. 44 (2001): 259–283. 26 Sept. 2005

United States. Central Intelligence Agency. The World Fact Book. 30 Aug. 2005. 23 Sept. 2005. http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/fields/2056.html

United States. Drug Enforcement Administration. Drug Trafficking in the United
States. 21 Sept. 2005 http://www.usdoj.gov/dea/pubs/state_factsheets.html

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

the medicinal tongue

It's something different this time. I heard someone tell this joke in Dhivehi and decided to do my own take on the joke and put it out there for the world to see...