the shampire chronicles

If you read my blog, I assume you have met the Shampire. Last time we met, things got pretty ugly to say the least. But behold the miracles of modern medicine! Guess who's back?

The SHAMPIRE!

and he is pissed!

Me: Guess what the cat dragged in? You're alive! WOW!
Shampire: Pfffttt! I am not talking to you.
Me: What happened?
Shampire: (stares at me with emo-eye-linered eyes)
Me: Aaahhh. You're angry about how things ended last time we met.
Shampire: Angry is an understatement! You almost got me killed!!
Me: But you didn't die.
Shampire: I could have.
Me: But you didn't.
Shampire: I could have!!!
Me: So you couldn't?
Shampire: Why you little bitch!
Me: Man, you must be pissed.
Shampire: An apology would be nice.
Me: My heartfelt apologies for almost killing you. I never thought it would get that epic.
Shampire: See? That's your problem. you never think. You just do!
Me: Enough with the apologies, so how are you still alive?
Shampire: It's a miracle. You left me for dead after my Stick of Karma blew up.
Me: Oh yeah. It was quite...
Shampire: (Evil eyes)
Me: Please go on with your story.
Shampire: The medics came and rushed me into the ER and the doctors performed surgery on me.
Me: Yeah I must say, you look quite different now. Almost as if you're too young.
Shampire: Thank you! You see, my skin was completely burnt for the most part. So the docs had to remove skin from my... (blushes)
Me: Let me guess. Your butt?
Shampire: My hips. Well.. Near my hips. Lower back.
Me: So your ass?
Shampire: Alright alright. My bottom. They removed the skin from my bottom. Don't worry. It's not as bad as
Me: FACE! BWAHAHAHAHA
Shampire: I am leaving right now! You always end up pissing me off.
Me: My apologies once again. But you look so different now.
Shampire: Yes yes my child. I am quite different now. Remember how I was like back in the day?
Me: Yeah. You were a sadistic sexist who used religion as a tool to fool others.
Shampire: Well.. I guess that sums it up. So anyway, while recovering from my life threatening injury, I realized the error of my ways and decided to change.
Me: How so?
Shampire: First of all, I have given up on believing in underage marriages, about having concubines, and blindly killing the innocent in the name of religion.
Me: I can't believe I am saying this. BUT those are what you are all about. What about the fear that strikes people's hearts when we say the word 'shampire'?
Shampire: I still believe in religion and some of those hardcore rules.
Me: So what are you now?
Shampire: I am still a shampire. But in simplest terms, let's say I am a vegetarian.
Me: What? O_o
Shampire: Listen here my child. I just don't want to brainwash people anymore and hurt innocents. My beliefs and ideologies stay with me. That's what I mean by saying I'm a vegetarian.
Me: So now you're gay?
Shampire: HOW DARE YOU?!!!
Me: I see that almost dying didn't change your nasty temper.
Shampire: It's not like I am a different person now. But
Me: FACE!!!!! LAAM VAAV LAAM!
Shampire: Why, I am going to beat you up with this stick.
Me: Is that a new Stick of Karma?
Shampire: This piece of junk? It's just a normal stick I keep with me.
Me: Alright. The docs, what kind of surgery did they perform?
Shampire: It was plastic surgery ofcourse.
Me: But to replace the damaged skin they had to perform another surgery, huh?
Shampire: Yes. And your point is?
Me: Did they do open-ass surgery on you? MuahAHAHAHahAHHAHAHAhAHAH
Shampire: (Shakes head) Sometimes I wonder why I even talk to you.
Me: Tell me, what's next for you?
Shampire: I want to live a quite life. Cause no trouble. Might even fool around a bit with some women my age.
Me: You player!
Shampire: Well, I must get going now.
Me: Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: You too. You misguided hopeless excuse for a human being!
Me: And that's the last I heard of the Shampire. I never met him or heard from him since then. He's not my friend. Nor my enemy. Because he's the hero that the world deserves. But not the one it needs right now. And so we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight! (Epic SEASONIC THUNDER!!!)

Few days later, after reviewing my draft

Shampire: Seriously? You sunk that low huh? You had to use the ending of the dark knight for my farewell?
Me: I can tell another ass joke before you go.
Shampire: NO!
Me: So every time you breath, you're technically farting. You are passing air from inbetween your ass-covered cheeks!

Thus ends the Shampire trilogy. He passed away few years later (guess he wasn't immortal) and below is the engraving I carved on his tombstone:

Lo, there do I see my Father..
Lo, there do I see my Mother...
And my Sisters and my Brothers..
Lo, there do I see the line
Of my people back to the beginning..
They do bid me to take my place among them..
In the Halls of Valhalla,
Where the Brave may live forever.

I hope his ghost doesn't come to haunt me for quoting a Viking Prayer! Adios...