women 101

Someone said to me the other day that I objectify women. Naturally I resented that. But then my friend said the same thing when I told him about it. So here I am, scrutinized for something I don't even know about. However, it got me thinking. Maybe it's not that I objectify women. Maybe it's women who objectify themselves and I see it. Kind of like the movie; sixth sense. Hence, here is my objectification of different types of women. Before I get ahead of myself, If this post seems sexist in anyway, then it probably is and if this offends you, I probably wanted to offend you. Now that we got it out of the way, let us begin:
(DRUM ROLL followed by the deafening buzz of the vuvuzela)

1. The Phillips Woman: let's make things better
This is the other woman. The woman that guys cheat on with. She promises something a lot better and the guy falls for it. Let's say the man is a goat. The goat sees grass on the otherside and rushes over to eat it, thinking it's greener. To be fair, sometimes it IS greener.

2. The Hitachi Woman: for deeper penetration
Well, this is the kind of woman who has a lot of experience and has been well used (if you know what I mean). They are more commonly known as MILFs and sometimes mistaken for cougars. Though to be a cougar, one piece of the woman's undergarment must be see-through.

3. The Maldivian Woman: flying made simple
Can I make this any simpler? This is the woman who doesn't give a rat's ass as to what goes in the relationship. She doesnt give a damn! She doesn't give a crap! If crap ate crap and crapped crap, she still wouldn't give a second glance at it. I think I made my point...

4. The Dhiraagu Woman: keeps you in touch
Now this is a tricky woman; some guys like her while others don't. They are the touchy dovey type. They literally show their love by clinging on to you and watch your every move. Slightly stalkerish at times, but they are honest with their feelings.

5. The Wataniya Woman: life's good, share it
Many mistake the Wataniya Woman for anti-Dhiraagu Woman. However, they aren't related despite the close proximity of the affiliated merchandise brand-name. The Wataniya Woman is the person who tries to make you feel better. They try to show how good things are when your life has gone down the slums. Just one bright ray of sun shine that reaches the abyssal zone of the Pacific!

6. The Police Woman: to protect and serve
Aaaah... the infamous rebound. They will be there for you right after your woman dumps you. They will do everything to make you happy, promise to protect you, and will give you love, lots and lots of love.

7. The MNDF Woman: duty, honor, country
Now this is the woman you should all try to avoid. They are loyal, honest, religous, infact too religous. They are covered from head to toe because it's their duty to hide themselves from everyone. Covering themselves protects their honor, and bound by their duty and their honor, they save the country for the future generations. While it is good to protect one's honor, covering yourself so that the only way we men can judge whether you are beautiful or not is by looking at your palm is not cool. Hello!!! Beauty IS only skin deep, so give us something to work with!

8. The Master Card Woman: there are somethings that money can't buy...
You get stuck with the Master Card Woman, better pray you get a pay check that's fatter than a 14-inch strap-on because she will spend every cent you earned and then leave you for another guy. Yeah it sucks, but you HAD to choose her so it's partly your fault that she left you.

9. The Bose Woman: better sound through research
Please welcome the insatiable one! The Bose Woman will always look for the next best guy. She can never be satisfied no matter the size of your pay check or your cherry pecker. She always looks for the next best thing!

10. The ROL Woman: internet the way it's meant to be
This woman doesn't guarantee that she's the best you could get but rather it's a compromise. You go through life meeting different women and you reach a point when you realize it's a never ending battle and you settle for someone. You convince yourself it's the right person for you and justify your action by saying it's how life should be (but we all know you're lying to yourself).

11. The Goosebumps Woman: reader beware! you're in for a scare!
The name is self explanatory. This is the psychopath woman. Leave them, hurt them, or make them feel any emotion at all, and they will do anything from stabbing you with a fork to cutting off your right testicles. Yes, apparently the Goosebumps Woman can tell the right from the left!!

12. The Storm of The Century Woman: give me what I want and I'll go away
Say hello to the nagger. She won't stop talking until she gets what she wants. There is no end to it. It'll be just like the movie from dusk till dawn, except that it will contain fewer (most likely no) hot strip scenes, and more of the vampires sucking the blood out of you scenes! This yapper, never stops yapping. If she was a bird, she'd be a naggot! See what I did there? I combined nagger with parrot! Hah!

Well, I can go on with this forever, but I will stop here. And for you girls reading this and thinking I objectify only women, you are quite wrong. Here is the simple truth about Men. Every man is (wait for it)

A Sony Man - it's a sony
Yup! Regardless of what you see, you get the same thing. If your man looks like a jerk, then he is a jerk. If he looks like a saint, then he is a jerk. If he looks like a pious guy who will never hurt you, then he is a jerk. I think I have made myself crystal clear on this.

Until next time, Adios...