Y U NO LSD?

Note: The following post has been inspired by true and actual events that literally happened.

Congresses, tribunals, and 'black' walks summarize the curry pot of a country I call a home. To top it all of, we had a few cases of some suspected youths suspectedly 'dying' after suspiciously overdosing on what the Police suspects is fake LSD or, as it is more commonly known, acid. Needless to say, being the overzealous human that I am, I jumped into the foray to find out what has befallen the youth of my country. And in my ordeal that took me beyond my wildest dreams of half-eaten zombies and molested unicorns, I stumbled upon a dealer who offered me what I suspect, was LSD. Not to blow my cover, I talked to him as I tried to understand the inner workings of the human mind on LSD. Following is the actual conversation I had with Ghiyash (not his actual name) as I dove deep into this endeavor.

[begin record]

Ghiyash: Yo man! Want some totally real LSD? It's real, I promise.

Me: Gimmie!

Ghiyash: It's real and not fake, you know. Totally not laced with cheap poisonous ingredients.

Me: Awesome!

Ghiyash: Visit my back alley dealing spot for pick-up.

Me: That's good and all that, but most importantly, will it make me high?

Ghiyash: I can't tell that because what am I? A doctor? I am just unwashed, probably diseased drug dealer and I'm totally reliable because even kids trust me enough to buy from me.

Me: But the shit is not fake, right?

Ghiyash: Totally fake. I mean not fake. Can you repeat the question?

Me: Is this shit fake?

Ghiyash: Of course not! Would I do that to a customer? Your well-being is important to me. This is premium deluxe quality gourmet LSD, man!

Me: Excellent. What's the price?

Ghiyash: I don't know...how do you sell LSD? In kilos? Or is it like, 2 LSDs for something rufiyaa or something? Buy one get one free, maybe? Or some shit like that...

Me: Do you mean that I buy 1 LSD for the price of 2 and get 1 LSD free?

Ghiyash: Nice. Yes. I like that! I mean...that's what I meant.

Me: So we have a deal?

Ghiyash: Good good! Let me find a nice dark and dirty back alley to deal in.

Me: Alright. I will bring the dough.

Ghiyash: Nooo. Bring money.

Me: Dough = money in drug lord's language. But...I'm doubtful.. Are you sure that you're selling real LSD?

Ghiyash: Man, this is the BEST BEST quality. Only, like, a little rat poison added for flavor. But that's it. For serious.

Me: Alright.

Ghiyash: Maybe some bleach for good measure... But that. Is. It.

Me: So let me get this straight. Just bleach and rat poison. Nothing more?

Ghiyash: Of course nothing more! Who do you take me for, a fraud? How dare you, sir! I have a good mind to take my business elsewhere!

Me: Many apologies. Please continue.

Ghiyash: It's just rat poison, bleach and arsenic in my LSD which is premium deluxe gourmet!

Me: Wait wait! Arsenic? You must be pulling my leg!

Ghiyash: Oh, didn't I tell you about that? It's added for color, mate!

Me: Aaah.

Ghiyash: You'll enjoy it. 

Me: Just for color. Alright.

Ghiyash: And after taking this, you'll be pulling your own leg.

Me: Awesome! I might buy an extra stash if it is as good as you say. Man, I wish I had a room.

Ghiyash: You don't need a room to take my LSD in.

Me: This is just for good measure in case I have to lay low.

Ghiyash: Not to worry, it's packed in emptied cyanide capsule. It's mostly free of cyanide, of course.

Me: At this rate, I'll have to pay an arm and a leg.

Ghiyash: But you're getting a free LSD when you buy one for the price of two! It's a sweet deal!

Me: It's a deal then. I will drop the money at... [end of record]

Until next time. Adios...