public outcry after new internet service provider unveils internet package

MALE' SHITTY — The otherwise calm and serene capital of the Maldives was rocked by public outcry after the country's newest internet service provider Vedont Ripyo Uofph, a joint venture company between Dhiraagu and Swedish telecom giants Telenor, announced their prices. Journalists, armchair analysts, and social media influencer-cum-experts are on the fence after the initial excitement as Vedont Ripyo Uofph sought to revolutionize the cyber-communication industry in the country.

Vedont Ripyo Uofph's project was announced last year with the aim of providing world class internet service to Maldivians at an affordable price. (photo: https://maldivesfinest.com/maldives-internet-speed)

Speaking at the press conference, Vedont Ripyo Uofph's CEO, who is also the Chairman of the Board of Directors of Dhiraagu, has 19-percent stake in Ooredoo's shares, is a renown businessman and real estate developer in the Maldives, and is also related to the President, the First Lady, former President, cousins with the current and former Speakers of the Parliament, and lastly, husband of Youth Minister's sister and uncle to the former first children Dhunya and Yumna Qayoom, stated that Vedont Ripyo Uofph aimed to answer the complaints by the tolerant citizens of the Maldives who have been waiting ever so patiently for affordable internet in today's developing world.

Vedont Ripyo Uofph currently offers a 1G fiber broadband internet package for MVR 6000, which comes with a free router and truly unlimited internet. In comparison, Dhiraagu and Ooredoo both offer their 1G fiber broadband packages for MVR 6990 with a 3 TB data allowance and additional router/installation fees. "It is almost as if there is no difference between the two companies," Vedont Ripyo Uofph's spokesperson told local newspapers. "With us, you can see something is different...at least in the numbers."

Public outrage began when a world-famous local Instagram influencer tweeted the cost of the same package by Telenor, the parent company of Vedont Ripyo Uofph: USD 68.95 (MVR 1063). When confronted with this information on twitter and on the verge of getting canceled, the CEO of Vedont Ripyo Uofph responded that the reason for the high markup for the same package in the Maldives was to make up for economies of scale.

"You see, in Sweden, we offer our service to a population of over 10 million people and last year the revenue was at 1.24 billion dollars." CEO of Vedont Ripyo Uofph stated. "We, as a business, have our duty to our partners and share holders to deliver similar profit margins from our project in the Maldives as well. Also, if you look at the prices, we are still offering 1000 rufiyaa less than Dhiraagu and Ooredoo."

When asked how they came up with the MVR 6000 price tag, Vedont Ripyo Uofph's marketing department explained that they calculated the cost of flying to Sweden, food and accommodation, and subscribing to the same package in Sweden. "Once you add all that up, we are practically, giving our internet service for free," Vedont Ripyo Uofph's CEO tweeted after the press conference. "In fact, I wouldn't be lying if I were to say that we are basically paying you to become our customers!" Insider reports also claim, there have been pleas from both Dhiraagu and Ooredoo to not lower the price of the packages as it would see the their profits pummel within months.

"What customers need to better understand is trickle down economics," an economist who works with the local telecommunication lobbyist group Maldives Association for Communication Technology Industry (MACTI) posted on Facebook yesterday evening. "When our telecom companies do well with their sweat and blood, the money they bring into the economy will eventually go to the local business owners and eventually our beloved citizens." The said economist also claimed that the telecommunication industry was built with very hard work by a couple of very ordinary individuals and that they have thus far received little credit from the public.

Regardless of what happens, it is imperative that we as citizens of this peaceful and tolerant country have faith in Vedont Ripyo Uofph as we have had in Dhiraagu and Ooredoo all these years to get similar internet services at Google speed at very affordable prices with minimal interruptions and above reproach customer service.

Until next time. Adios...

jazeerasutra: sex manual for the islander in you

The theme these days is jazeeraa raajje. Whether it is the dress we wear or the food we eat. Jazeeraa is the next big thing in the Maldives. And what better way to celebrate our jazeeraaness then by using it to enjoy the carnal pleasures leading up to and including coitus.

So here are some sex moves and sex related stuff you ought to know as we travel on our journey of disillusionment.

1. The coconut palm
Nothing says jazeeraa more than coconut palms. It is our bread and butter so as to speak. So...it’s only fair that we honor our national tree by celebrating it in our bedroom as well. To perform the coconut palm, have your male partner wear a mundu without any underwear. Cos men don’t wear underwear in jazeeraa raajje. Anyway, have your man wear a mundu sans his ball-supporter and have him slowly sit on your face. The idea behind this move is to appreciate the view of your lover’s family jewels in all its glory as it descends upon your eager face and finally caress your facial orifices.

the pheromone rush as your man’s musky aroma fills your nostrils is exhilarating

2. Dehusking a coconut
If coconut palm is the bread and butter of Maldives, then coconut is our jam. You Male’ians might not know this, but coconuts don’t come all round and clean. No sir! It comes covered in this thick ass hard shell you need to remove before you can get to the inner hard shell you normally see in your city shops. Meanwhile, my fellow islanders will be familiar with the rigorous dehusking process before we ship them off to Male’ or use them. If you’ve ever seen or even been around while dehusking, you’d notice how the juices from the husk slowly runs down the stake. So imagine the coconut is the woman and the stake is the penis...well..that pretty much sums up this highly popular sex move at futtaru.

3. Mani mundu
White people use what they call a cum rag when pleasuring oneself. It could be anything. From a sock to a soiled pair of boxers or just some old-fashioned Kleenex. The purpose of the said rag is to stop your baby juice from spraying all over your room leaving behind evidence of your auto eroticism for your mom to find. Anyway, us jazeeraa people don’t need the white man’s equipment for such desires. We use the sarong we wear in jazeeraa. So next time you have a raging hardon, just hide in the nearest mangrove, grab your jazeeraa stick, cover the head with a mundu, and go to town on that bad boy.

here’s to happy endings

4. Mundu thong
Long before lingerie and outfits for sexy times were invented, our forefathers managed with what was available on hand (no pun intended): mundu. By this time it’s fair to say mundu is the Swiss Army knife of jazeeraa sex stuff. So what did our horny shipwrecked forefathers do when they wanted to get jiggy with some jazeeraa booty? Why, they merely rolled up the sarong tight and tucked the end into the back, making a very attractive but manly undergarment that oozed testesterone and manliness.

5. The dirty rihaakuru
While the origin of this sex move is up for debate, scholars agree that we might have borrowed it from ancient Mexicans who washed up after their Italian ship sank near the Gaadhoo Channel. The idea is very simple. It came from how a local delicacy called rihaakuru stuck to your fingers after you touched it. The sex move by the same name is when you baste yourself in your partner’s ejaculate. The move became so well known that the captain of the Italian ship MV Borri coined the term and published it in her infamous travel diary.

6. Pole and line fishing
Spoiler alert: it has nothing to do with pole or line or fish or even sex for that matter. Nonetheless, it would be unfair to end a post without paying homage to our tuna. But whereas pole and line fishing is a sustainable method for tuna, the jazeeraa side of things takes a dark turn. In jazeeraa terms, this move is used to describe the seducing of crowds by grown men. Often times the seducer is a rich powerful man. The only reason jazeerasutra laureates use this term is cos tuna is often caught on a naked hook and the likeness of it to how jazeeraa men lure crowds into believing anything thrown at them, often times on own volition, is too similar. These men, or fishermen as used in this metaphor, will be able to justify anything to the masses, whether it’s convincing a nation that a grown man courting a minor is ok under some circumstances or letting child molesters and sexual predators walk free for the greater good is justifiable.

I’ll finish my post at this point and let you come up with other creative ideas. And before I get any hate for writing about sex moves only for the pleasure of males, all I have to say is that this is jazeeraa sex moves. Not female sex moves.

Until next time. Adios...

if harry potter and magic existed in maldives

NOTE: This post is dedicated to everyone who waited for a letter from Hogwarts but never received it because THE STUPID OWL THEY SENT GOT LOST ON THE WAY!

Growing up reading Harry Potter is perhaps the biggest achievement of my life. Okay okay, maybe not the biggest, but it's definitely up there. So, if you're anything like me, you'd have wondered how wonderful it would have been if we lived in a world where fantastic beasts and creatures roamed the world and, last but most importantly: we went to Hogwarts. This morning I gave a lot of thought (the time it takes me to shower) to the subject and I realized  it might not be all that fantastical  to have the magic of the Potterverse in the Maldives.

tu tuuu tu tuuuu tu tuuuuu tuuuuuu tuuuuuu tutututu

1. Number of dark wizards will rise exponentially 

Some argue that the first Maldivians consisted of shipwrecked seafarers, who later ended up making the Maldivian genome. This explains our range of tools when it comes to problem solving: from pretending the problem doesn't exist to doing black magic to kill the other guy.

Let me present 3 real life scenarios and how the person involved solved the problem:

• Have a problem with your neighbor about who owns the coconut palm, which happens to have his name on it and was owned by his father before him? Answer: Use black magic to kill the dude and claim ownership.
• Ever wanted to shag your handsome hunk of a colleague who's already married to someone else? Use black magic to seduce the guy into courting you.
• And most importantly...did your football team ever have a match they really needed to win? USE BLACK FUCKING MAGIC!

good luck porking dhaleyka now!

The point I'm trying to make is that we are sort of dicks to people if we don't get things our way whether we can do magic or not! Makes you reassess whether you really want everyone you know, especially your frenemies, be able to do magic, huh? To be honest, I won't be surprised if Maldives has more dark wizards than the entire population of Slytherins who graduated Hogwarts.

2. From a paradise for tourists to a paradise for stalkers

The modus operandi for most Maldivian men to court prospective females is to harass them. This includes but is not limited to stalking them, stalking their families, calling them on their phones, calling their friends, learning their schedule and popping up everywhere they went, and finally, buying gifts to appeal to their materialistic side. Sad as it may sound, sometimes this works. Now imagine you have a crush on Aisha down the street. You absolutely love everything about her. The way she smiles shyly as she fights to keep her veil in place on a windy day. The way her dark brown eyes are so full of life as she sips her coffee. Her ever so inviting lips as she smiles at her baby sister. The way her bodysuit hugs her curves as she prepares to go to gym. You know, the whole package.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if you had a way of knowing where she was without having to follow her everywhere?

a stalker's dream!

The Maraauder's Map is an excellent tool for every stalker, but what if there was a way you could watch your stalkee without having to follow them around? I'm talking, of course, about polyjuice potion. With polyjuice potion you could just look at your crush's body as bare as the day she was born without any need of actually getting her to date you. Sounds disturbing, doesn't it? It gets worse in two words: Revenge porn! Imagine you're my good friend Ahmed who was caught cheating on his fiance. She could just use some of Ahmed's hair to become Ahmed and make a scandalous video to ruin Ahmed's hard-earned reputation.

dammit, ginny! how many times do i have to tell you that it's cho in that picture?

Here's an even more disturbing caveat to the polyjuice potion brewing business. What if you needed a hair of the person you wanted to turn into and the only hair on his body was his anal pubes?

[I know you Potterheads are thinking I made a goof here. I'm aware that we can use any bit of the person we wanted to turn into when using polyjuice potion. But I really wanted to make you cringe at the thought of drinking the essence of someone's ass hair.]

3. We'll bring more to the supremacist movement

If there's one thing we are good at, it's being pompous assholes. The kindest thing we do for our fellow human is letting them know if the headlight of their cycle is on during the day. That's it! It's because we love to look down on others based on their skin color, family, island, political views, religious views, wealth, and well, anything that we can pull off to show we are superior to them. In fact, I would go as far as to say our xenophobia will make the Malfoys seem like baby unicorns. Factor into this the pure-blood supremacy movement in the Harry Potter world.  Not to mention the way most wizards feel about other magical creatures, and the way they treat their own who are cursed into becoming a werewolf. We all remember the hysteria when the parents of Hogwarts students found out that Lupin was a werewolf. And these are the good guys! So all we need is a dash of our supremacy feuds to fuel this already volatile magical world.

mmm mmmmmmm i can really taste the tears

Let's not forget all the shit the wizards and witches already had to contend with during the Goblin Rebellions of 1612 as a result of the discrimination against our grumpy friends. Add to this all the discrimination we are bringing to this game and I'll go out on a limb and say we'll have nifflers rebelling against us in no time. And they're like at the bottom of the wizard food chain beneath Neville Longbottom's toad Trevor!

4. A know-it-all but not a do-it-all

During our (in)significant life in this world, we all come across at least one person who is a know-it-all. They're pesky at times. They butt in when not invited. Worst of all: they have an answer to everything. Do we know someone like that in Potterverse?

But to be fair to Hermione, she does actually know what the fuck she's talking about. On top of that, she doesn't back down when it comes to practicing what she preached. Still, it doesn't change the fact that she knows everything and makes you feel as useless as nipples on the Batsuit.

Think of how you would feel if everyone around you was like her. That, my kind and unkind readers, is what we offer, albeit with a minute difference; unlike our bushy-haired heroine and the champion of the Muggle feminist movement, we don't know shit! We are all full of hot air and criticize and comment as if we know everything when tragedy strikes, but do nothing to prevent a crisis or to help anyone.

ignorance is truly bliss

5. Say bye bye to the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy

The magical community came up with this law in 1689 in fear of persecution by Muggles, who are notoriously famous for being scared of anything they cannot understand. In this regard, magic meets the criteria right beside math! I bet...all it would take for this 300 plus years old secret to be exposed is a day, give or take a few hours, if we have magical folks in the Maldives.

Why? Because we're second to none at gossiping.

That's correct! We love talking about others. It necessarily doesn't even have to be juicy (the juicier the better though). So yeah, we are big on talking and spreading rumors regardless of consequences. If I am to make a guess, I'll say we'll end up using curses to make sure people who rat us out are stopped or at the least, identifiable.

better get used to this quickly

6. We'll learn about the power of love

For the uninitiated, the above watchful wand wielding warmhearted witty warlock is the Undisputed Flamboyant Wizarding Champion of the World and Defender of Muggles Albus "The Professor" Dumbledore, Headmaster Extraordinaire at Large of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And if there's one thing Professor D. insists, it's that the most powerful of magic is love. While I don't know enough magic to counter his point, it's remarkable that he was able to bring about the very end of the baddest of all wizards: Lord Voldemort.

enough power to achieve immortality and voldy was stupid enough to not see this coming back to bite his dark tush??!!

In short, Dumbledore emotionally blackmailed Snape, champ of every one in the friend-zone, to turn on the aforementioned Dark Lord and help a tween, aka the fruit of the loins of Snape's sweetheart and his nemesis, complete the job. Not to mention that Dumbledore was...fight the feels...FIGHT THE FEELS!!...when Dumbledore was...was...dead...for a whole year while Harry Potter took the battle to the big V. If that's not powerful magic, I don't know what is.

7. You can be a complete dick and still be a hero

How nice would it be if we could be ourselves and still be a hero? One of our favorite characters from Harry Potter did just that! In short, Severus Snape pissed on Uncle Ben. He not only duped the Dark Lord, but did it while making a life living hell for the hero who was destined to slay him. Every single reader hated Snape with a vengeance until the very last minute, even more than Lord Voldy. I'd say only Dolores Umbridge could trump Snape.

...and this is the closest i've gotten to boning her

The question is, how is this helpful to us Maldivians? For starters, we wouldn't think twice about befriending an enemy if it would cause the downfall of another. Just look at the alliances in the political arena. Heck, look at your own family for crying out loud. There'll be all those arguments and whatnot, but out of nowhere, everything is forgotten and they suddenly have more affection for each other than Dobby had for mismatched socks!

To sum up, it seems that living in a magical world would be interesting as hell but at the end of all things, it'll only bring out the best and the worst in us. I guess...on second thought, maybe magic might teach us a thing or two about becoming better people; if only we knew where to look.

until then, have fun hexing each other!

Adios...

mysterious virus plagues the nation of maldives

MALE' CITY, Maldives -- The World Health Organization (WHO) has been on continued alert to monitor spontaneous outbreaks of dangerous diseases in different parts (read: third world countries) of the globe following the latest outbreak of Ebola earlier this year. It seems like WHO's perseverance in monitoring these risks has finally paid off. The organization released a statement late last night as a mysterious disease has been discovered in the Maldives. This grave news was followed by the alarming news as scientists disclosed that this disease has been endemic to Maldives for centuries. Despite the suddenness and mystery that surrounds the discovery, what baffled the medical community the most has been the peculiar effects of this menacing disease: impregnating women!

Authorities have not yet named the disease, but the pathogen responsible for this life altering condition has been identified and labeled as the Human Gravidaphage Virus (HGV). The name Gravidaphage comes from the Latin word 'gravido' meaning impregnate and the Greek word 'phagous' meaning devouring. WHO informed they decided to name the virus as a -phage because the disease ends up 'eating the life away' of the patient.

an electronic microscopic photo shows a group of HGV attacking the ovum of a female patient

Scientists and doctors from renown medical universities and hospitals flocked to the Maldives to study the effects of the virus. Dr. Ahmed, the resident gynecologist cum urologist at the biggest private hospital in the Maldives met with reporters on behalf of the investigating team of experts and explained their findings to this point.

"Our observations indicate it's possible that HGV is a gender-based virus as all HGV positive patients have been females thus far. Also...There hasn't been any reports of transmission between humans yet." Dr. Ahmed also explained that the team will conduct tests to observe how the virus affects a male mouse. "We are already working on finding a vaccine, but at the same time, we are trying to identify the chances and prepare for a cross-gender jump to males. And should that happen, take possible precautions."

HGV has been found to be aggressive even when dormant

"What we have is a very unique pathogen. While we are unable to tell the exact origin of the virus or how it originated in Maldives, our team finds it amazing that the virus keeps on attacking until the ovum or more commonly known as the egg, becomes fertilized." Dr. Ahmed explained. Everyone who contracted the virus has thus far been unable to completely get rid of the virus. "In effect, you can say that a single virus is able to make a woman pregnant but we don't know how many times it could potentially occur as the virus tends to become dormant for periods." Records show that a patient could be found positive for HGV, get pregnant, and give birth, but get pregnant again years later. Numbers show that some patients went through as many as 3 of these dormant-active cycles. He further revealed that the dormant and active period of the virus was completely random.

No one has yet been able to identify how all these women contracted the virus in the first place. It's one aspect of the investigation that the doctors and scientists have differing opinions. Dr. Yoosef, an astronomer, believes that the virus is transmitted through an animal. "This virus has been in this country for long. We cannot tell anything for sure without knowing who was patient zero. However, I believe it is a vector borne virus. There just isn't any other way for the virus to be endemic to the Maldives for centuries. The only possible explanation is that an animal that is only found in the Maldives is a host of the HGV."

Dr. Ahmed, on the other hand, opposes the hypothesis. "I'm not saying that he is wrong. It's possible that he's right too, but he's just an astronomer. What did he do to come to that conclusion? Consult the stars? I think we need the medical experts to handle this."

a close-up of the human gravidaphage virus during the active period (photo credits: Tylon - ZBrushCentral)

While it's obvious that this newly discovered virus will cause clashes in academia, everyone needs to work together as the virus has a tendency to cause false positives. That is, someone could actually just be pregnant and not HGV positive. "The problem is that pregnant women and HGV positive women show the same symptoms." Dr. Ahmed told reporters. "Once we discovered the virus, we almost had a nationwide panic as every pregnant woman in the country could possibly be carrying HGV."

Authorities and everyone concerned are working on a possible procedure to correctly identify HGV positive patients. "We know the theory behind all this," a very convinced Dr. Yoosef told reporters after the news conference. "Hypothetically speaking..if you were a woman and you happen to be pregnant, what could you ask yourself? Who the father is, no? All we need to do is build a device that would enable us to test the validity of your claim. We just need a way to test the DNA of the embryo and compare whether it matches the man who you claim is the father. I'm sure we can build this device within 4 to 5 years if we all work together."

Even Dr. Ahmed agrees to the idea as long as the virus doesn't start affecting males. "I'm afraid I have to agree with Dr. Yoosef as long as the patients aren't males. However, I would consider the fact that with the exception of a few outliers...all HGV positive patients have not been married at the time of contraction of the virus. If we use that as a start, we could start eliminating false positives within weeks with 90% accuracy!"

While Maldives, and the world, faces an uncertain future, the biggest advantage we have over the Human Gravidaphage Virus is that it has been contained in the Maldives all these years. Only time will tell how things turn out.

Until next time. Adios...

if maldivian institutions were honest

DISCLAIMER: Please excuse my photo editing skills. I used Powerpoint (read: Excel) to make these images. For a better view, just click on the first picture and you can go through the pictures as a slideshow.

The following post is rated 'H' for Honest!

#1

#2

 #3

#4

#5

#6

Can you think of anymore? Let me know in the comments. Until next time. Adios...