lord of the beards: the fellowship of the return of the king to two towers

Prologue:

It began with the grooming of the Great Beards. Three were given to the Cockroaches; immortal, meanest, and scariest of all beings. Seven, to the Ants, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine beards were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these beards was bound the strength and the will to govern over each race through deception.

But they were all of them deceived, for a new beard was groomed. In the isle of Maldive, in the waters of Maldive Island, the Dark Lord Mullah groomed in secret, a master beard, to control all others. And into this beard he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. And as he groomed, he spoke the words feared by all kinds: "Ash fang durbatulûk, ash fang gimbatul, Ash fang thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul." Never spoken in the language of Maldive Island by mortals, the words mean: "One beard to rule them all, one beard to find them, One beard to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Though much feared and nearly invincible, Middle Earth took the fight to the Dark Lord in one final attempt and kicked the Dark Lord's ass Chuck Norris style! Sadly, the weakness of mankind prevented the champion of Middle Earth, Bod Umanzar (pronounced Bodh Umaanzaar) from destroying the One Beard in the waters of Maldive Island. Instead the noble hero, in his weakness, bent to his manly temptations and wore the beard. Victorious and full of pride, the Beard corrupted him and in the end, led to his destruction. The Beard, meanwhile, vanished.

Years passed. History turned to legend, legend to tales and something that should not have been left without grooming was lost...

Chapter 1:

Our story begins on a dark night in a dark place where a dark man awaits with a dark purpose... Usef Ul Idiot (prnounced Yoosef Al Eediyoth), as he was called by the village folks, was getting ready to poop. The day was normal thus far but unknown to him, there would come a day when the fate of the world would rest on the broad shoulders of this fierce, handsome, and super-cool young man.

After a quick breakfast of bodu biskoadhu (a local delicacy) and black tea, Usef went to see his good friend Leg Acyof Pain (pronounced Leg Achiof Paeen) and together they set off on an adventure into the wild forest of Suckingham: they were outlaws and robbed the corrupt parliamentarians to feed the wildlings. When a poor wildling asked why they risked their necks for some poor wildlings, our fearless and handsome heroes replied, "For what is a man who cannot help his fellow man but the man who brings a smile to others?" And thus, our heroes, cunning and proud outcasts of Suckingham Forest continued their exploitation until one fateful day.

Chapter 2:

Our dazzling heroes came across a little girl who was crying all by herself. Her eyes were red and her clothes were torn and covered in red. Fearing the worst, a very concerned Acyof asked, "What happened little girl?"

The girl replied between sobs, "this.. sparkly looking thing.. it made.. it made me..." the girl's voice trailed off as she broke down crying.

"Mention not what you did my dear girl," Usef bellowed. "For I will ensure that he dies by my sword!"

"STOP!" The girl's scream startled Usef and Acyof. "Are you both stupid? He didn't rape me. He spilled a bottle of ketchup all over my new Justin Bieber veil."

Startled, our heroes looked at the young girl. Acyof looked at Usef in despair. Usef looked back, his face grim, and nodded. They knew what had to be done. It wasn't going to be pretty but they were bound by their vows. The little girl realized the tone of her would-be heroes have changed. She looked from one to the other as they raised their weapons with menace in their eyes.

"Oh Shit!" She thought to herself. "Now I'm going to die."

Swords raised, Usef and Acyof stared at the girl menacingly. Both muttered in unison, "We are sorry little girl. You leave us no choice." The little girl closed her eyes, and waited for  the sword to cut off her head.

And the two heroes burst out laughing! "BWAHAHAHAHA! You wear a Justin Bieber veil? May the Light blind you!" Acyof laughed his head off as Usef fell to the ground in laughter. The little girl, bewildered and confused, said in a hurt voice, "You are mean people."

"I'm sorry little girl. But..." Usef trailed off in laughter as he tried to explain.

"What my accomplice Usef is trying to say is," Acyof attempted to help his friend, "that you're stoopid. Not stupid but stoopid!"

The little girl, tears running down her cheeks turned around and stormed off as Usef and Acyof's laughter followed her and into the distance.

"Hey little girl," Acyof called after her, "Don't forget your glitter purple lipstick!"

Chapter 7:

It was dark and Usef looked around. He could make out the shape of a human in the distance. Sword in hand, Usef approached with caution. "Acyof, is that you?" He called. There was no reply. Usef approached with great caution, not the least bit scared as if challenging the Light to the ultimate strength. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a shadow jumped at him. He did not scream like a little girl, but scream he did! It was a cockroach and not just any but a Beard Bearer.

"May the Light be with you." Usef said as he stepped back and dropped to his right knee in respect. He stared in awe as a being from out of the legends stood before him. "Forgive me my Lord, I did not..."

Usef's apology was cut short by the scream of a young girl. Or so he thought. When he looked up, he saw that Acyof had stabbed the Cockroach Lord from behind.

"For a Cockroach Lord, he screamed like a girl." Acyof remarked as he cleaned his sword. He looked around for Usef because he didn't get a reply.

"Do you know what we have here?" Usef said looking up holding something furry in his hand. "We now have a Beard of Power."

Chapter 17:

Months have passed since our resourceful heroes acquired the Beard of Power. As they continued their exploits in Suckhingham Forest, an unforgiving scene befell them: there were people crying over a dead boy. Concerned, our faithful heroes approached the grim site and said, "May the Light be with you."

"Will it?" A woman sitting near the dead boy, most likely his mother, spat at them. "The Light took him away from us with the incurable Measles."

Startled, Acyof exclaimed, "What the...? Measles? Kind woman, this is the seventh freaking century! They have vaccines." The glum woman looked at our tanned hero with agony and said, "The Beard Rider of this district decreed that the Light has forbidden vaccination."

"WHAT?" Our heroes said in unison. "What's his name? Where is he?" Usef inquired.

"Over there," the woman replied pointing to Two Towers in the distance. "His name is..." the woman's shudder was enough to understand the atrocities committed by this evil Beard Rider. ".. he is.. Lord Farumaan.. Please avenge my dear son's death.."

One Epic Battle Later...

"We sure did show that Beard Rider Farumaan eh?" Acyof remarked.

"We sure did old friend." Usef could not help but admire his brave friend who never gave up in a fight.

"So what's next?" Acyof inquired.

This was what Usef was afraid of. Acyof gets too excited after battles. "I think..." What ever Acyof wanted to say was lost as an old man in a white robe fell from the skies with a loud THUD!

"Holy..." Usef's short and sweet curse was cut even shorter when he realized it was a wizard.

"Fear not for I come in peace!" The old man bellowed.

"And who might you be?" Usef and Ascyof asked very coolly at the same time.

"I am Heebi Jeebees the rightful heir of Bod Umanzar. Do you realize that what you have is the One Beard?"

"Really?"

"Yes, and you both have to go and destroy it." Heebi Jeebees explained.

"But how?" Our heroes were confused but excited.

"Let us form a Fellowship and take the One Beard to the Maldive Island and destroy it in the very waters that it was groomed in.We have to hurry. There is little time left to waste. The Dark Lord Mullah grows in strength and will return if not stopped."

Chapter 29:

The Fellowship arrived at the coast of Maldive Island. The shores were guarded by creatures in robes. Heebi Jeebees explained that they were Shampires, Sheikhs who pledged loyalty to the Dark Lord Mullah and gained immortality. They were the most vile and cunning creatures one could find on Middle Earth.

"Well," Acyof started, "I can kill them with my Middle Finger."

Heebi Jeebees rolled his eye in despair as the two paladins joked, unaware of the grave task at hand. "Be careful. Shampires carry long wooden sticks, the Stick of Karma, which had powers that no human could comprehend." Heebi Jeebees warned.

"Shall we do the honors?"

(One epic climatic battle ensues)

Chapter 71:

"Wow! Did you see me cut that Shampire in half... by waving my staff?" Heebi Jeebees exclaimed merrily.

"Pffft! Showoff.." Acyof wasn't very keen on the idea that a wizard could just kill someone so easily. He had issues with magic.

"Well, here we are. The waters of Maldive at last!" Usef was glad to have finally come to the end of all things. He wanted nothing more than to go back to Suckhingham Forrest and kick-start their lives as outlaws. As Usef walked to the shores of Maldive Island, ready to part with the One Beard, he looked back at the Fellowship: A wizard and his friend. He looked at the One Beard one last time and threw it into the waters of Maldive Island.

Usef, Acyof, and Heebi Jeebees turned back and walked away from the shore. They were a hundred steps away when a loud and terrifying wail filled the air. "MY PLEASURES!" And a short deformed man who looked like death himself ran towards the shore.

"In the name of the Light! What is that thing?" Acyof wondered out loud.

"It or rather he was a human just like you two. He was corrupted by the power of the One Beard. The One Beard destroyed him eventually and turned him into a Follum." Heebi Jeebees explained as they watched the wretched creature jump into the waters of Maldive Island... to its very imminent death.

Heebi Jeebees said subtly, "Farewell, my brave paladins. My work is now finished. Here at last, on the shores of the sea... comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil." With that Heebi Jeebees turned and headed towards the Two Towers where his rightful throne awaited him.

Epilogue:

Lord Mullah and his Army of Shampires have been defeated and the rightful heir of Bod Umanzar, Heebi Jeebees, prepares to ascend the throne of the Two Towers. Acyof and Usef, upon the completion of their quest, returned to their village. The Beards were once again in good hands and the good king Heebi Jeebees ruled Middle Earth with justice and empathy. And thus ends the Sixth Age of Middle Earth and upon the return of the King, the Seventh Age of Middle Earth began. An age that would be remembered for centuries to come for its prosperity and the epicness that the Fellowship of the Beard brought.

~THE END~

shampire diaries

Here ye here ye! Men and Women of all shapes and sizes. Please gather around for I have a story to tell ye: Tonight I continue my escapades with our good friend Shamp the shampire. If you don't know him/her/it already, please feel free to read part 1, part 2, and part 3. He's dead you ask? Apparantly he is not so dead after all. Let us see what our not-so-dead friend has to say...

caption deleted for fear of mortal damage to the writer

Me: *stares at Shampire*
Shampire: Staring is rude. Didn't your mother teach you any manners boy?
Me: *continues to stare at Shampire*
Shampire: From where I come from we say 'hello'
Me: Nether realm? Hello.
Shampire: That's better. Wait... what?
Me: Nevermind that. Why or rather, how are you here? Am I dreaming? You were dead. I even wrote a small prayer on your tombstone.
Shampire: So it was you who wrote that worthless piece of shit huh?
Me: Hey, Snowhite called. She's missing one of her dwarfs.
Shampire: What? err... What? You continue to speak in riddles human.
Me: You were angry about the writing on your tombstone and you're always angry. Hence Grumpy.
Shampire: What? Really.. what?
Me: Sheesh man! Grumpy the dwarf from Snowhite and the seven dwarfs.
Shampire: LAAM VAAV LAAM! good one. Sorry it took me a while to get the joke.
Me: Pffft! It's not a joke anymore after I explained the whole thing to you. You really don't get sarcasm at all. Anyways.. tell me, what happened? I was at your funeral. Though between you and me, there was no one else. You don't have any friends?
Shampire: You stupid excuse for a human. What don't you understand about the word 'undead'?
Me: Aaaah. So you DO have the undeadness of a real vampire.
Shampire: Pffft! Vampire my holy butt! Not the vampires you see these days. It's a shame to be even associated with the kind. The humans have stopped fearing us due to the mainstreamness of today's vampires.
Me: Yes your holiness. You get vampires like Dracula and shit back in the day and today we have Edward.. *shudders*
Shampire: SEEN MEEM HAA
Me: Eh?
Shampire: Oh yes. You don't understand Al Lugath Al Arabiyya or language of the Shampires. It means "Shakes My Head" in the common tongue.
Me: Aaaah I see. I'm right there with you. Anyway, so you were raised from the dead?
Shampire: Well, I was deadish. But then I went to the underworld and met Hades and yes, he is true. But you'll never guess what I found out when I died-ish.
Me: Tell me!
Shampire: Remember the whole 72 virgins I was preaching?
Me: How could I forget. I asked to bed your daughter.
Shampire: Yes you did! So apparantly the 72 virgins aren't really the whole story.
Me: You don't say...
Shampire: Yes I do say. Wait.. was that sarcasm?
Me: Yes it was. There is still hope for you.
Shampire: Foolish human! I need no hope. You do!
Me: Ok here we go again. So you met Hades sans the 72 virgins. What happened next?
Shampire: Well, it seems we have been fooled by this whole 72 virgins old wives' tale. One can't just kill a bunch of innocents and expect to bed 72 beautiful hotties.
Me: You don't say...
Shampire: Bill Lawrence called! He wants his idea of repeating the same jokes back.
Me: Ouch! You're learning fast. And how in the hell did you find out about Scrubs?
Shampire: Just like you said: in hell. Part of the eternal damnation was watching re-runs of hipster movies and good shows that went mainstream.
Me: Does that mean you had to watch Tw...
Shampire: STOP! Don't you utter the name!!
Me: That bad huh?
Shampire: I made it only halfway through the opening credits of that which must not be named and pleaded with Hades to send me back for a second chance.
Me: Aaah.. that makes sense now.
Shampire: It does? But you don't believe in those things and it's incomprehensible for humans.
Me: I must admit, having known you for a while, I get a feel for what you say.
Shampire: Alright. So tell me something you miserable human.
Me: Such love... I'm touched.
Shampire: What the hell is wrong with your kind?
Me: My kind? Humans?
Shampire:No! Not humans. Well, technically humans, but I meant your kin. The people from your country!
Me: You should have asked what was right with them. Would've saved a lot of time and ones and zeroes.
Shampire: Ones and zeroes?
Me: Yes. I have to type this whole thing and it's being processed as binaries in machine code in terms of ones and zeroes by our computers.
Shampire: Show off! You could have just said so instead of acting spooky and mysterious.
Me: Hey! I didn't say anything when you had your stick of karma, almost died, died and returned.
Shampire: Save your whining for someone else human.
Me: Alright :-(
Shampire: So about your people. What is happening to them?
Me: Once again, you gotta be specific bro.
Shampire: Don't you bro me you insiginificant being!
Me: LOL! Sorry... I just thought of a possible euphemism if your last sentence was said by an Asian.
Shampire: You are indeed lost my son. And quite racist too!
Me: Apparantly I am.
Shampire: So your people, why is it that a person can sing his or her way to riches and fame, and then suddenly quit singing and become a cleric?
Me: That's quite a mouthful.
Shampire: There's more! Your people even believe them above the real Shampires! It's a shame!
Me: Shame would be one of the adjectives I would use.
Shampire: In all seriousness, how could one be so dumb and naive to believe some holier than thou singer cum religous scholar?
Me: I wonder the same thing your highness.
Shampire: Trust me, I am all for the harsh and extremist views that I vowed to promote... but it took me all my life to acquire Shamphood and take my vows. These lowly peasants are doing it over night.
Me: Come again... shamphood?
Shampire: No. Shamphood. With a capital 'S'.
Me: Ok. Shamphood it is. What's that?
Shampire: It's the rigorous training and rituals all Shampire-recruits have to go through.
Me: Let me ask. What do you call when a Shampire goes to number two?
Shampire: What are you getting at?
Me: Shampoo! Oh wait. Now I won't look at my shampoo bottle the same way again.
Shampire: HA! Let that be a lesson for you. I must be off now.
Me: Wait... Will I see you again?
Shampire: Only fate will tell. I'd like to pull a page out of the movie 'Dear John' and say "see you soon then?"
Me: You saw that movie?
Shampire: I can stand that movie but when it came to the movie that must remain unnamed..
Me: Which movie of the Twilight saga?
Shampire: That does it! Good Bye you bastard son of a wretched gutless monkey!
Me: Hey wait.. come back.. come on.. woeful-and-angry-as-a-motherless-goat much? oh well.. he's left. Such a grumpy yet lively fellow. I don't know when I will see him again, but I am sure he will amaze me with his stories when we meet again. Until next time, Adios...

award night

I'm back after a short hiatus.. well, not really a hiatus, but you get the idea.. Anyways, I present to you, my fellow and unfellow readers, AWARD NIGHT 2011!! Unlike a certain award show from few weeks ago where half the words out of the presenters' mouth were about some lotion, this award is the shit! We will look at all aspects of Maldives and give due credit where credit is due, whether it be good, bad, or both. And without further ado, let me get on with the awards...

Oscars: eat your heart out. you aren't the only people who can use cool statues



1. The Vampire Award:

This award is presented to the group or person who has done the most humane job of sucking the cash out of unsuspecting customers. And the award goes to.... Dhiraagu! That's right. You maybe out of reach but you're never out of touch. The touch of the money-sucking Edwardish company that's Dhiraagu.

the logo needs to be changed to a clenched fist to shove up the customers' asses

They have charged us for services that in other countries are given for free. Not to mention all the scams and what not.

2. The In-Your-Face Award:

This award goes to the individual or group of individuals that dedicated its time and resources to the dissatisfaction of humanity through incomprehensible schemes, names, and the shittiest service. They listen to the customers' needs and do the exact opposite. And the winner of the award is.... It's a tie! Can you believe that? (mainly because I am too lazy to invent another award). The first recipient of the award is..... Bank of Maldives!

Don't let the name fool you. It's not of Maldives at all

Through the years, Bank of Maldives or BML for short (between you and I, I think BML stands for Big Money Leech) has been one giant dick! What pisses me off the most about BML is that the wretched workers have the nerve to lie to my face. I once told this 'sweet' looking girl at the counter that I could withdraw money from my own account without a check at other banks and she told me in her sweet and seductive voice (though not working on me cos of my rage) that there was no bank that would allow that. I replied that my bank for the past 4 years allowed me to do that. I am no Sheldon Cooper but that must have been a bazinga for the girl cos she told me to speak to her manager and exercised her Miranda Rights.

And now, the second winner of the In-Your-Face Award: Maldivian!

If you haven't flown on Maldivian, then you're lucky. Maldivian stands testament to the saying that beauty is only skin deep no matter how many times you repaint, rename, and rebrand your services.

If flying was any simpler, we would have wings.

Maldivian, much like its kissing cousin BML uses 'Maldives' as its brand name and screws everyone sideways with a bread knife. And here is the kicker: They charge double the fare for a foreigner. How shitty is that? I was abroad for 4 years and got all the discounts and cheap fares as a regular US citizen. I know that tourism contributes to a huge chunk of the nation's economy but come on. They are people for God's sake and they work (harder than most of us) for a living. So it is really unfair on our part. Not to mention the outrageous fares for us as well. It is cheaper to go to freaking Sri Lanka than to go to Addu Shitty. People!! Sri Lanka is another country. Maldivian my ass you gigantic cash-devouring pigs!

3. The Benedict Arnold Award:

For those of you that don't know, Benedict Arnold was an American General during the Revolutionary War and defected to the British and plotted to surrender the very fort he swore to defend. So yeah, he was a VERY bad guy and loathed by all Americans. And thus this award is given to the person who has shown beyond inconceivable doubt that he is a traitor. And without further waiting, I present the winner of this precarious award: Ali Waheed aka Boom Waheed aka Ballack aka the-biggest-act-of-swallowing-your-own-junk!

He puts Judas, Saruman, and Brutus to shame

His story is there for all to see so I'm gonna save up on space and time. But he does have the bragging rights as the only person to hug two Presidents. Con-freaking-Gratulations you whore.

Legend has it that Maumoon said "Et tu Waheed?" when he saw this live on MNB Cone

4. The Holy Trinity Award:

We live in a conservative society that looks to hide things or accept things as far as the 'religous' or 'Islamic' tag is attached to it. This has allowed individuals to take advantage of unsuspecting people and use them for their personal pleasures and needs. As the name suggests, the Holy Trinity Award is given to the individual who has manipulated religion for his personal gains. This award had the most contenders and once again, we have a tie.

The first winner of the Holy Trinity Award is.... Saint Fareed!

I used to look up to Fareed as a person and listen to what he said, but his tune changed after a while and he started to preach his personal beliefs. Some of you may think that I am being a non-Muslim by saying calling him a Saint, but I do know a thing or two about religion. Some of the bullshit that St. Fareed has preached borders on idiocy and idiolatry.

Certificate in Incantation? How about Certificate in Personal Grooming? Douche!

Alright. now time for the second winner of the Holy Trinity Award... Sheikh Hussain Rasheed. Some of you may not know him like I do, some of you may do. After belittling the previous government of using religion as a shield, this God forsaken piece of shit of a human created a political party.

Lial liar beards on fire!

He wouldn't have won the word if that was the only thing he did. Furthermore, he was a Quran teacher for children and 'teach' he did. Yeah, I have no proof of anything but God knows what he did and he knows what he did to the girls who went to him to learn Quran. And the son of a bitch has no self dignity whatsoever to go on public forums preaching about Islam. I'd beat the shit out of you and feed you your own pubes if I get the chance!

5. The Reject Award:

Have you ever been rejected by someone? Whether it's a girl, boy, or you were the last person everyone picked for their team? I thought so. So you know the feeling. Now imagine how you would feel when the majority of the Parliament rejects you. Alright, maybe it's cos the Parliament was mainly opposition members. But to have your once-friends reject you during the next Presidency is a tad bit too much. No? Ok, you got a point. It's still the opposition. But imagine this: you receive some 'big' title from an Israeli lobbyist and try to enter a foreign country aka Iran. Surprise surprise! Rejected! By now you know who you are imagining to be. If not, I present to you the winner of the Reject Award.. Dr. Shaheed.

The All-American Rejects called: they want their title back!

I have nothing against him but the fact that he got rejected by two governments on the opposite ends of the political spectrum, and a foreign country says something. Maybe the line "it's not you, it's me" is true for this case.

6. The Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award:

Last and the very least, we have the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award. This award is given to the individual or group of individuals who have failed after multiple attempts. And the winner is... NO, it's not Maldivian. Though it was a close call along with Maldivian football which is still in the same shitty state it was in during the past 20 years. And here's why: we won the silver medal back in the 80s and we won the competition a millenium later! Going back to the subject, the winner of the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award is... Dhivehi Film Industry aka Mollywood!

The only 'wood' related facet from the lot of you is when some of your females wear skimpy clothes

Dhivehi movie industry was a lost cause to begin with and people have been using it as a platform for careers as politicians and you can see the results today. I did a little digging and my sources, on conditions of complete anonymity, confided in me that dhivehi movie stars have the ability to cry on cue and the ability to be highly obnoxious without even trying. The source who shall remain unnamed also stated that the said abilities was a deal maker with the Maldivian people who vote them to office in the first place!

a picture is worth a thousand and one words

 

 

alice in wonderland: an analogy

I am sure everyone remembers Alice in wonderland from their childhood for one or more reasons. I remember it cos I watched the entire cartoon before Alice wakes up and realizes the whole thing was a dream! Plus the wierd and the illogical characters just make me want to bash their heads together. Sorry there, I didn't mean to sound so violent. Moving on, this time I am trying to do something quite.. well.. you be the judge of it..

1. Wonderland: First and foremost there is wonderland. A place where anything is possible. Everything defies nature's law. Looking at our little Maldives, it brings to mind the promise of a better Maldives or better known as Aneh Dhivehiraajje in the political language. And it has definitely been another Maldives. But unlike the story, our wonderland is one God forsaken shit hole where we are quitely rotting away as a society..

wonderland huh? you've all been fooled!

2. White Rabbit: How could I ever forget the white rabbit who looked as if he had ants crawling up his legs.. White rabbit is one of the mildest character (in my opinion) in the story. All he wants is to get to the queen in time and stay out of trouble. He represents the average worker; always working hard but never appreciated. Always running from place to place in the hope of pleasing an insatiable boss. Our society has become so work centered that the people do not have the time to spend with their own family. Instead we work our Knuts off to make ends meet.

look at him and tell me how you can not sympathize with the poor guy

3. Dodo: This proud marauding excuse of a bird represents the rich people in our society. You people twist and cut every corner to get richer while the poor get shat on.

just look at the SOB! smiling and all..

4. Mad Hatter: Mad Hatter is one confusing son of a gun! He talks in riddles and always makes a point to show that he is important. Mad Hatter is the personification of the media in our country. The same story is twisted to play with the people's minds. The media claims to be the fourth power of a democracy but has been nothing but a poor facade of immature impersonators thus far.

atleast get a better attire. SUIT UP!

5. Bill the Lizard: Bill is one hard working dude, carrying a ladder with him. He is the go-to guy when you need something done at your house. He is the so called bangaalhee that we see all over the country. We Maldivians are so full of ourselves that we cannot even do the simplest of jobs by ourselves. Shame!

bill bill bill. you work so hard because we are so lazy

6. Caterpillar: This pea sized brain smoking little life form is the exact replica of our parliament. It doesn't remember what it sees and it doesn't know what it's talking about. And least of all, it doesn't even remember the person it has once met. It's multi segmented body and multiple hands show how most, if not all, members of the parliaments are good for nothing crooks who want to fulfill their self interests.

and the bastard has the nerve to look at Alice suspiciously!

7. Cheshire Cat: This smiling felid is one hell of a creature and it is the perfect personification of our judiciary. When Alice asks the tooth-fairy-watched-cat about where to go, the cat says, "If you don't know where you are going, it doesn't matter which path you take." (I am not sure about the exact words, but you get the jist) This is the perfect representation of how we could have a system which allows a pedophile to get away even when the sick bastard agrees to doing the deed! Democratic reform my ass!

I am sorry little child, you did not say 'no' when he was raping you.

8. The Queen of Hearts: She has a thing for head. NO, I mean the kind where she wants to cut it off. Between her and Dexter, I don't know who is the scarier one. The Queen of Hearts represents.... *drum rolls* you love to hate them! it's the one and only IGMH! Yes, just when we thought IGMH could not get any worse, they decided to behead a dead baby! Well done IGMH, well-freaking-done!

if I got a cent for everytime she wanted to cut off someone's head...

9. Flowers: Remember the flowers that Alice runs into at the garden? The ones that sing and seemed mushy lovey dovey and suddenly turns on Alice because she was apparantly a 'weed'? These flowers, my fellow readers, are the next generation of our country. With everyone succumbing to conformity and group think, violence, murder, and stealing have gone off the roofs and they are just running wild on the streets.

look at the spoiled brats!

9. Alice: Aaaaah, Alice. Our innocent little Alice. She has a hard time deciding how much to eat/drink to be the right size. In fact, it's like her size is floating between being a giant and a dwarf. Oh yes! Much like the dollar exchange rate in the country. Enough said.

look at her.. $o innocent.. $o $mall, $o big... and yet.. $o floatable..

That's it for now. Until next time. Adios...