award night

I'm back after a short hiatus.. well, not really a hiatus, but you get the idea.. Anyways, I present to you, my fellow and unfellow readers, AWARD NIGHT 2011!! Unlike a certain award show from few weeks ago where half the words out of the presenters' mouth were about some lotion, this award is the shit! We will look at all aspects of Maldives and give due credit where credit is due, whether it be good, bad, or both. And without further ado, let me get on with the awards...

Oscars: eat your heart out. you aren't the only people who can use cool statues



1. The Vampire Award:

This award is presented to the group or person who has done the most humane job of sucking the cash out of unsuspecting customers. And the award goes to.... Dhiraagu! That's right. You maybe out of reach but you're never out of touch. The touch of the money-sucking Edwardish company that's Dhiraagu.

the logo needs to be changed to a clenched fist to shove up the customers' asses

They have charged us for services that in other countries are given for free. Not to mention all the scams and what not.

2. The In-Your-Face Award:

This award goes to the individual or group of individuals that dedicated its time and resources to the dissatisfaction of humanity through incomprehensible schemes, names, and the shittiest service. They listen to the customers' needs and do the exact opposite. And the winner of the award is.... It's a tie! Can you believe that? (mainly because I am too lazy to invent another award). The first recipient of the award is..... Bank of Maldives!

Don't let the name fool you. It's not of Maldives at all

Through the years, Bank of Maldives or BML for short (between you and I, I think BML stands for Big Money Leech) has been one giant dick! What pisses me off the most about BML is that the wretched workers have the nerve to lie to my face. I once told this 'sweet' looking girl at the counter that I could withdraw money from my own account without a check at other banks and she told me in her sweet and seductive voice (though not working on me cos of my rage) that there was no bank that would allow that. I replied that my bank for the past 4 years allowed me to do that. I am no Sheldon Cooper but that must have been a bazinga for the girl cos she told me to speak to her manager and exercised her Miranda Rights.

And now, the second winner of the In-Your-Face Award: Maldivian!

If you haven't flown on Maldivian, then you're lucky. Maldivian stands testament to the saying that beauty is only skin deep no matter how many times you repaint, rename, and rebrand your services.

If flying was any simpler, we would have wings.

Maldivian, much like its kissing cousin BML uses 'Maldives' as its brand name and screws everyone sideways with a bread knife. And here is the kicker: They charge double the fare for a foreigner. How shitty is that? I was abroad for 4 years and got all the discounts and cheap fares as a regular US citizen. I know that tourism contributes to a huge chunk of the nation's economy but come on. They are people for God's sake and they work (harder than most of us) for a living. So it is really unfair on our part. Not to mention the outrageous fares for us as well. It is cheaper to go to freaking Sri Lanka than to go to Addu Shitty. People!! Sri Lanka is another country. Maldivian my ass you gigantic cash-devouring pigs!

3. The Benedict Arnold Award:

For those of you that don't know, Benedict Arnold was an American General during the Revolutionary War and defected to the British and plotted to surrender the very fort he swore to defend. So yeah, he was a VERY bad guy and loathed by all Americans. And thus this award is given to the person who has shown beyond inconceivable doubt that he is a traitor. And without further waiting, I present the winner of this precarious award: Ali Waheed aka Boom Waheed aka Ballack aka the-biggest-act-of-swallowing-your-own-junk!

He puts Judas, Saruman, and Brutus to shame

His story is there for all to see so I'm gonna save up on space and time. But he does have the bragging rights as the only person to hug two Presidents. Con-freaking-Gratulations you whore.

Legend has it that Maumoon said "Et tu Waheed?" when he saw this live on MNB Cone

4. The Holy Trinity Award:

We live in a conservative society that looks to hide things or accept things as far as the 'religous' or 'Islamic' tag is attached to it. This has allowed individuals to take advantage of unsuspecting people and use them for their personal pleasures and needs. As the name suggests, the Holy Trinity Award is given to the individual who has manipulated religion for his personal gains. This award had the most contenders and once again, we have a tie.

The first winner of the Holy Trinity Award is.... Saint Fareed!

I used to look up to Fareed as a person and listen to what he said, but his tune changed after a while and he started to preach his personal beliefs. Some of you may think that I am being a non-Muslim by saying calling him a Saint, but I do know a thing or two about religion. Some of the bullshit that St. Fareed has preached borders on idiocy and idiolatry.

Certificate in Incantation? How about Certificate in Personal Grooming? Douche!

Alright. now time for the second winner of the Holy Trinity Award... Sheikh Hussain Rasheed. Some of you may not know him like I do, some of you may do. After belittling the previous government of using religion as a shield, this God forsaken piece of shit of a human created a political party.

Lial liar beards on fire!

He wouldn't have won the word if that was the only thing he did. Furthermore, he was a Quran teacher for children and 'teach' he did. Yeah, I have no proof of anything but God knows what he did and he knows what he did to the girls who went to him to learn Quran. And the son of a bitch has no self dignity whatsoever to go on public forums preaching about Islam. I'd beat the shit out of you and feed you your own pubes if I get the chance!

5. The Reject Award:

Have you ever been rejected by someone? Whether it's a girl, boy, or you were the last person everyone picked for their team? I thought so. So you know the feeling. Now imagine how you would feel when the majority of the Parliament rejects you. Alright, maybe it's cos the Parliament was mainly opposition members. But to have your once-friends reject you during the next Presidency is a tad bit too much. No? Ok, you got a point. It's still the opposition. But imagine this: you receive some 'big' title from an Israeli lobbyist and try to enter a foreign country aka Iran. Surprise surprise! Rejected! By now you know who you are imagining to be. If not, I present to you the winner of the Reject Award.. Dr. Shaheed.

The All-American Rejects called: they want their title back!

I have nothing against him but the fact that he got rejected by two governments on the opposite ends of the political spectrum, and a foreign country says something. Maybe the line "it's not you, it's me" is true for this case.

6. The Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award:

Last and the very least, we have the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award. This award is given to the individual or group of individuals who have failed after multiple attempts. And the winner is... NO, it's not Maldivian. Though it was a close call along with Maldivian football which is still in the same shitty state it was in during the past 20 years. And here's why: we won the silver medal back in the 80s and we won the competition a millenium later! Going back to the subject, the winner of the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award is... Dhivehi Film Industry aka Mollywood!

The only 'wood' related facet from the lot of you is when some of your females wear skimpy clothes

Dhivehi movie industry was a lost cause to begin with and people have been using it as a platform for careers as politicians and you can see the results today. I did a little digging and my sources, on conditions of complete anonymity, confided in me that dhivehi movie stars have the ability to cry on cue and the ability to be highly obnoxious without even trying. The source who shall remain unnamed also stated that the said abilities was a deal maker with the Maldivian people who vote them to office in the first place!