presidential vows: a dialogue

Now that 2012 is almost over and a new year lurks around the corners, people have started to make up new year resolutions they will never fulfill. Not to mention, the presidential elections next year and the revolutionary warfare launched by the opposition. So while politicians have started making their promises and vows to please the masses, I had a little chat with an acquaintance of mine who has a newly vested interested in politics: I present to you Shampire.

Me: Hello again my dear friend.
Shampire: May peace be with you and you are not my friend.
Me: Good to see you're doing well.
Shampire: So why did you drag me into this hideous excuse of a place you call a home?
Me: A man's home is his castle, they say.
Shampire: They are wrong. And you suck.
Me: Moving on. I hear you're interested in politics?
Shampire: You know what they say: if you want to get something done right...
Me: ...you got to do it on your own.
Shampire: No, you fool! You bribe and fool people to make them do your dirty work.
Me: ........
Shampire: Wipe that annoying look off of your face.
Me: But that's so wrong.
Shampire: Have we not met?
Me: I rest my case... So you want to become the President?
Shampire: Of course not, silly boy! I want eternal salvation and everything that comes with it. Presidency is just the means to spread my message.
Me: This message you speak of...how do you plan on getting elected?
Shampire: What kind of a question is that? By killing the incumbent of course!
Me: No no! You have to get elected by a vote.
Shampire: What? That's the infidels' way. Why can't we just have a duel and let the winner have the spoils?
Me: Because, this is the 21st century and because the people decide now.
Shampire: You and your nonsense ways! So what do I do to win this vote you speak of?
Me: You campaign and you make promises and such so that the people will vote for the best candidate.
Shampire: You are saying that I just make up cock and bull stories for people to believe?
Me: Not really. You  have to deliver on your promises and...Oh forget it. Yes that's what you do.
Shampire: That sounds very doable. Better than a duel I say.
Me: Of course! Who else can lie better than you?
Shampire: What was that?
Me: Nothing.
Shampire: So how do I deliver my promises to the people?
Me: Advertise, speeches, put it on the web. Here are the vows I made if I were to become the President.
Shampire: VAAV THAA FAAF???!! That list of trash is your vows?
Me: I wouldn't call it trash... And vaav thaa faaf? Please translate.
Shampire: Ya Allah! Haaza al-rajl jaahil al akbar! It means WTF, and I call it as I see it. Yours is a recipe for disaster and a one-way ticket to Hell!
Me: Excuse me?
Shampire: Just look at this. You even promised to torture men who lay with young girls. Torture!
Me: That's because rapists and pedophiles deserve it. I wish I could torture them till death and bring them back to life.
Shampire: You have indeed lost the righteous path, my son. It is Satan's fault that men are that way.
Me: Are you suggesting that they roam free?
Shampire: I am saying that it is Satan's fault and YOUR infidel Constitution says an innocent man cannot be prosecuted.
Me: Alright. Tell me what you promise the people of Maldives.
Shampire: I will run as the candidate of Adhaalath Party. They seem to have the best sense among you idiots and they will embrace me as their messiah.
Me: You got that right. They are a bunch of hot-headed pansy girls.
Shampire: How dare you compare God's chosen to such low creatures!
Me: You are charming.
Shampire: Eh?
Me: Since we are comparing genders, how do you plan to tackle equal opportunity?
Shampire: First and foremost, I will enforce equal opportunity.
Me: Wow! I am impressed. Never knew you were the type to conform to such things.
Shampire: I know! Since all females regardless of age have to wear veil under my rule, I am going to open the opportunity for all males to wear the veil as well. See? I am beating the infidels at their own game!
Me: Quite clever, I must say. What will your policies be on the education system?
Shampire: I will integrate animal husbandry into the education system. Before you open that filthy mouth of yours, I want to alienate Maldives. I will close the country to money from the infidels and only our Muslim brethren can help us. I will...
Me: Sorry to cut you off but I get the feeling that you're suggesting that we start animal farming. Is that your fiscal policy?
Shampire: Yes I am. We are going to herd sheep and goats and cows. Our children, male of course, will learn the hairy arts and will prosper in the coming generations.
Me: That is indeed a hairy subject but I guess we have to come up with some way to sustain ourselves after we oust every investor in the country. So what about taxes?
Shampire: I am not a believer in taxation. I see no reason why a man must pay to live in his own house.
Me: This is good news!
Shampire: But...
Me: There is always a but..
Shampire: I will impose a coitus tax.
Me; A coitus what?!!
Shampire: A coitus tax, you deaf baboon!
Me: Could you please explain?
Shampire: As you know, or God forbid, you should know, fornication is a deadly sin. Therefore the Almighty has paved us the way for women to have sex without eternal damnation.
Me: And?
Shampire: And by allowing a man to marry four women, he is ultimately saving the four females from the fires of Hell. If you ask me, that kind of kindness should be appreciated. What better way to show one's gratitude than by paying a small token of appreciation for their deliverance.
Me: So all in all, you're making the women pay a tax because they get to use the dong of their husbands? Isn't that rather one-sided?
Shampire: It is not one-sided! Anyway, who is running for presidency? Me or you? I am levying the coitus tax because it is the only way for the women to know the cost of deliverance.
Me: You think this dong tax will make women want to marry?
Shampire: Think of it this way. If they do not marry and fornicate, I can flog and stone them in public. Then again I will make marriage mandatory for all women who have come of age.
Me: Speaking of punishments, how will you run the judiciary? Will you uphold the Sharia?
Shampire: Yes I will! I will uphold the Rule of God to the last breath. I have zero tolerance for wrongdoers. Especially sinners. During my presidency, if someone is found guilty of a sin, they will be punished severely in public. No allowances will be given to sex or age.

with Presidents like these, who needs dictators?

Me: But what if it's a young person. I have the perfect scenario. What if a little girl gets raped?
Shampire: You fool! Little girls do not get raped. And yes, she will be flogged severely until she seeks salvation.
Me: But we are talking about rape! As you'd say, fornication without consent!!
Shampire: Consent nonsense! Do I look like I give a, as you humans say, shit? Yes, the girl will be flogged as a lesson and a warning for the rest of the kind.
Me: Then what about the man?
Shampire: See? This is why we cannot get along very well. You always worry about what to do with the man. I think that you have something against men. Were you hurt by a man in your life? Because I see that you are very personal when it comes to these things. You always find a way to hurt men. Ways to punish them. It is very unfair and uncalled for. Not to mention very sexist!
Me: Oh my. And how is that any different from what you are doing, your Holiness?
Shampire: The point is, as I said earlier, Satan is the one to blame. It is not man's fault that he errs. Satan makes man want to commit atrocious sins and the women are the means.
Me: Let us talk about some other subject. Do you have any developmental plans? How will you strengthen the republic?
Shampire: Lord be praised! That is a lot to answer and I am short on time. I am sure you would understand.
Me: Alright then. Good luck in the coming elections though I am not sure if I want you to win.
Shampire: Of course you would not. You are an extremely laadheenee person.
Me: Now that I can understand. Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: May God have mercy on you and for the umpteenth time: I am not your friend! Shampire has no friends! I am off and do not bother me unless to repent. No. Forget that. Do not bother me at all!
Me: Guess I can never have a conversation without pissing him off. Until next time, Adios...

a little blasphemy

Now that GMR is gone and some of us are hell-bent on going back to the days when we ate goat - played goat - slept goat and drank goat, we seem to have provided the breeding grounds for doing things in the name of religion. It is sad that the 'Islamic' tag makes anything and everything acceptable these days, and very profitable as well. The number of holier than thou know-it-alls is on the rise who look at punishment and fear as the only way to spread Islam while casting a blind-eye to the root of all.

Having said that, the post today is not about the exploits of the deeply devout, but on an incident that came up a few weeks back. Before I dive in, Maldives, and by extension, Maldivians have always regarded sex as a taboo topic. It is considered a very, as female teenagers would say it, eww subject. I remember the day I asked my dad about how to fornicate and he just straight up told me kids should not speak about it. In his defence, it may be because I was just 7 at the time and it was the not the perfect topic for father-son bonding. But still...it's just a snapshot of our culture when it comes to sex: it's our dirty little secret; the perfect setting for pedophiles, molesters, and rapists..

A few weeks back, the whole country was shocked when an 11-year old prematurely gave birth at 7 months. There was public outcry that such a little girl was so naughty as to have sex at such a tender age, let alone, give birth. She deserved what she got, people said. The duly devout went on public forums saying that little girls won't give birth. I have a message for the so called sheikh. Yeah, little girls won't give birth. However, little girls won't want to get pregnant either, and devouring a penis is the last thing on their mind. And the hardcore Islamic 'evangelists' called for her to be flogged for her sin. Screw that! Everyone called for her to be flogged.

What most of the delusional people at this country failed to even think about is how in the Seven Heavens' name does an 11-year old get pregnant? They forgot one very important piece of the equation:

if you didn't get it, it's a penis. a friggin' penis!

Yeah, no one bothered to inquire as to how the little girl ended up with a babe in her belly. Unless she's the reincarnation of Virgin Mary, I am pretty sure it took two to tango in this dance. What's even sadder is that none of the so called advocates and champions of human rights and such had the cojones to mutter a word on the issue. The United Nations, UNICEF, the Human Rights Commission of the Maldives, Advocating the Rights of Children, and many other agencies failed or rather chose to stay silent on the issue. Then again, I don't blame the silence of most of them when considering the debacles of the pious every time someone questions the logic of such things. Faith, after all, is blind.

A small lining in the silver cloud came when DNA evidence surfaced and follow-up investigations show that she was indeed raped and did not get jiggy with a man on her own accord as the majority of the nation first perceived. So all in all, we have an 11-year old who is a victim of a man who was a family friend. Not to mention the allegations that her uncle had molested her as well. But even up to today, very few have openly condemned this incident. And even more more so, fewer have condemned the silence of the relevant authorities and agencies.

In the end, we are left with an 11-year old whose life is over before it has even begun. She is already labelled a slut and a sinner, and thanks to our very able media, the whole of Addu Shitty (pun intended) knows her by now.

So here is a big fuck you to the two sick sons of bitches who raped the little girl, and an even bigger fuck you to all the authorities that stayed silent on this issue. Last but not least, here is a fuck you to the former Minister of Gender, Human Rights, and Family who did nothing noteworthy during this fiasco, but got her bra in a knot when her husband was arrested by the Police for being drunk. I hope you all rot in hell with hot barbed rods up every hole in your body! And please don't get me started on the family. Her own mother stayed silent through the whole ordeal even after the girl told her mother about the abuse. I hope your uterus bleeds out along with your innards and you never give birth again!

exhibit A: barbed rod 2020

Until next time. Adios...

a fond adieu...

I don't normally write posts for others. I don't even dedicate posts to others. Why? Because it is my blog. However, today's post is dedicated to a very special lady. She has been with me throughout the majority of my existence. She is the one woman who made me cry before I saw her. The one woman who has, thus far, spanked me. And the only person, I know, who used chili as a motivator. And this is the story of how I met her...

I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was 4 years old and free as a bird can be. My mom entered the room. Beaming at me as if she had gotten me a gift. Just like any other kid, my gift-senses started tingling and I ran to my mom to hear the good news, or more importantly, to get the booty she got for me. However, she had other plans. No booty was to be had by me. On the contrary, the seemingly 'good' news she had for me was that (as it's in our culture when we start going to kindergarten) she got me into a class, rather a house, that taught Quran. My reaction? I started crying. Crying as if the world has ended. I felt the horizon close in on me. I can proudly say I didn't throw much tantrums as a kid, but on that day, a tantrum I threw. And it was one hell of a kind! I threw things at my mom. I sat on the floor and stomped my feet. I cried big fat tears. Not the crocodile tears, but frickin huge Oh-God-what-did-I-ever-do-to-deserve-this tears! My mom, as calm as a praying mantis on acid, just laid down on the floor beside me and stayed silent through the ordeal.

Of course, I lost the war and ended up going to the house. And God, did she scare me! It felt like a jail to me. I take it back. A jail would be better. She kept a stick on one side and one mean looking chili on the other side. I am not talking about a plain chili. No. It was the Mother of all chilies. It was the unholy offspring of Satan, himself. It was huge, red, and mean! Anyway, she never used it on anyone, but it was scary as hell. But the stick, she did use. And use it on me she did. I didn't study the lesson for that day and she spanked me. I think I got about 10 hits. It did not hurt but the humiliation was unrelenting. It did, however, teach me to study my lesson. And she held the record as the only female to have hit me for more than 18 years until my classmate from college punched me for calling her a lesbian.

Soon, I got used to the whole thing and I grew up to be her favorite student. I made great friends and going to the class soon became my favorite part of the day! Even long after I 'graduated' from the class, I visit from time to time to see her and she would get all mushy touchy dovey with me. I will never forget the way her face lit up every time I went to visit her. She would always greet with my a motherly smile and pat my back as if I were her own. She would hold my hand and never let go as she barraged me with questions. About studies, about job, and about life. I remember our last meeting. It was the ninth of November 2012, some 20 odd years after our first encounter. She had been so sick lately that she could barely recognize me. Once I told her I was her favorite student, she smiled at me. She showed me in and we went and I sat down beside her. Once again, I faced the inquirous blitzkrieg (by now I have learned to answer those questions short and sweet). She asked about my job and told me what little stories she remembered from when I was a student. The best part was that whenever one of her children, grandchildren, or even someone else came, she would introduce me and say that I was her student. She showed me off as a trophy. When it was turn to bid her goodbye, she held my hand, looked me in the eyes and her eyes full of tears and yet smiling, she says, 'Do come again.' And it struck me; she never said a proper goodbye. There were no farewells with her, no goodbyes. Just a promise, a plea to see her again.

And then the phone call last night. She had passed away. Truly, we belong to Allah and unto Him we return!

I write this post, not to mourn her passing away, but to celebrate her life. So here is to a lady, who has dedicated her life to educate others. A lady who gave back to the world more than the world cared to give her. I hope that, one day, I can become even half the person you are. To bastardize George Bernard Shaw's quote, life was no 'brief candle' to you, and you burned the splendid torch that is your life, as bright as you could, before you handed it on to future generations.  Here is to a great mentor and a great educator. AND A FUCKING AWESOME HUMAN BEING!!!  I will never forget what you taught me and I will always treasure your words and your wisdom. It was a pleasure being your student and an even more pleasure knowing you as a person, away from your stick and chili. I am a better person for having known you. The world will miss you. I will miss you. Your memories and your words will live forever in my heart and I shall remember you in this world and the next.

The following words are from the West Point Alma Mater and it is the least I could do to honor you...

And when our work is done,
Our course on Earth is run,
May it be said, 'Well Done;
Be Thou At Peace.'

Until we meet again. Adios...