things we learned from the indians

east or west - india is the best?

Before I start, this is by no means a racist post. I am just trying to say somethings that I think we learned from our closest brother - India. The list is in no particular order as I am writing as it comes to my mind.

1. Give Indians their independence and they will kill you

You don't need fire to fght with fire. Mahathma Gandhi is living proof of that. He showed the importance of peace and why we should make love and not war. He kicked the Brits out on their ass just by using this as his pricinple. So pretty much he is the MAN!! But he got assasinated just like every other person who fought for their rights. Why was he killed? By some Hindhu fanatic who didn't agree with something Gandhi did. Dude, you just killed the person who gave you the right to breath freely and do what you did.

2. A woman who wears too much make up = THE bitch

Need I say more? There isn't a single Maldivian who doesn't know the infamous villain from Kasauti and everyone hates the hell out of her. They despise her and the way she breathes itself reeks of nothing but pure evil. When two Maldivian women meet they want nothing more than to speak of the evil of the women in these Indian soaps. But if we take a second to wonder, why are all the villains in the soaps some highly fashioned woman? Perhaps people want to think that if they are not wearing necklaces, rings, and earings along with enough make up to shame a mannequin, it won't make them a bad person. You've all been fooled!

3. A man who has the facial hair of a sasquatch = THE he-bitch

If you see a man with every inch of his face covered in hair, he is trouble. He will have that evil smile on his face and is up to no good. If you're a girl, you better get out of there before he runs after you and tries to rape you. If you're a guy, well you better run too 'cos he will come after your lover and kill and/or rape her before he kills your parents. And then you go on a rampage to get revenge from this SOB.

4. They introduce the sixth vowel(?) in the Yenglish yalphabet

My first day in grade 8 and my math teacher was giving out sums for us to do. He was dictating while we wrote. I guess that saved a lot of money and man power on his behalf. Cheap Bastard!! Anyway, I hear him say "two yem plus four yen + five yay + 10 yem yen, Factorise this." And in my mind, I am trying to find just what it was about. I tried to put a picture of this new vowel but they dont appear in writing. It can only be heard. The truth about it is unknown, much like the Holy Grail and the G-Spot.

5. You can bring a woman to orgasm just by necking

Do you have a bad sex life? Do you have trouble bringing your lover to wonderland on a regular basis? Does your lover go to others for sexual gratification? Do you get booed in bed? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should watch a Hindi movie and learn the way to bring your lover to orgasm just by necking.

I am sure you can come up with a long list of things but I am going to stop here and let you ponder on it. Until next time. Adios...

an interview with a shampire

It's been a while since I have posted anything. This time I have with me a very special person. He is a shampire. Yes, a shampire, it is not a typo. Let's get on with the interview so that we find out more about what/who this person/thing is...

image courtesy of tintin and the land of black gold by Herges and some random image from google

Me: Hey there bud...
Shampire: What was that??? "Bud"??!!!
Me: Oookay. Sorry about that your holiness. How are you doing on this lovely day?
Shampire: You haven't answered my questions still... Uhh I am doing very good. And how about you?
Me: I am doing good too. Thanks for asking. So can you tell us a bit about uhhhhh your kind?
Shampire: Ahh yes, yes. I was expecting that question from you. We are a dying breed in this world. Our name comes from the Arabic word Sheikh which means a religious scholar and (whispers) just between you and me, irresistbly attractive to young women, and from the English word Vampire which is a supernatural being that feeds on human blood. You get the jist brother?
Me: Oh my, that's quite a combination. I get the jist. I really do. Specially about the young women part (snicker)
Shampire: What was that? Are you mocking me you lowly human?
Me: A thousand apologies Oh splendid one. So what should I call you? You got any name?
Shampire: A name is nothing but a mere cloth we wear on ourselves. My name is...
Me: OKAAAY then Shampire it is.
Shampire: NO. You cut me off before I could say my name. You infidel. I KILL YOU!
Me: And here I was wondering why your kind is so rare in the world...
Shampire: You talk in riddles human.
Me: Ahh do I? We call that sarcasm.
Shampire: You are a Sarcastic? How many Gods do you believe in? Who's your prophet?
Me: LOL! It is not a religion. Sheesh... (wipe tears from my eyes) Anyway, the word "shampire" is a little disturbing. Don't you think?
Shampire: I don't think so. Why did you say that?
Me: Well, a vampire is an enemy of the human race... they feed on our blood. And I get the feeling when you combine that with Sheikh, it is like using religion to prey on the blood of humans.
Shampire: HOW DARE YOU!!! You will burn in the seventh level of Dante's inferno!!!
Me: What was that? I am confused. You believe in Dante's inferno? And also, you aren't even an Arab.
Shampire: Why yes, yes... I like that poem about Dante's inferno. And how do you know I am not Arabic? I wear the male veil and I speak arabic fluently. Kaifal haal ya akhy? Antha majnoon!! LAAM VAAV LAAM
Me: Uhhh the answer is yess? By the way what is that LAAM VAAV LAAM?
Shampire: Oh, That's the arabic version of LOL. Since we don't have an 'O' we use the letter VAAV.
Me: Hahah I get it. You are a funny man.
Shampire: SILENCE! I am not a man. Well literally speaking I am, but I am on a much higher level.
Me: Sooo how do you become a shampire?
Shampire: My son, the path to become a shampire is a long and tough journey. You have to learn how to betray your friends, molest young children, and there is the ultimate test.
Me: OOOO betrayal and molestation. What's next?
Shampire: You have to go and fight in the path of justice, namely the way we believe, and blow yourself up.
Me: WTF?? You'd die then!!!
Shampire: Yes we would die. That means we dont deserve to become a shampire. If we survive then we become a shampire and we live for all eternity.
Me: So are you saying you didn't die during your suicide bombing?
Shampire: Don't call it such a degrading act! It's a jihad, a sacrifice. And yeah, I didn't die.
Me: I am amazed your divine holiness. How did you survive?
Shampire: I caught a cold that day and couldn't go to deliver the bomb.
Me: (Mouth hanging open) I'm out of words....
Shampire: Close your mouth. That's rude.
Me: But you were going on a suicide mission and you bailed out cos of a cold??
Shampire: Why yes.. What's so surprising about it? I had a runny nose and there was no way I was up to blowing myself up.
Me: ...
Shampire: Plus even if we die, we get 70 virgins. 70! Can you imagine that? It will be like multiple orgies!!! Ahem.. Next question please. I have to go to recruit.. uhh I mean enlighten young blood.
Me: So why do you prefer to kill yourself in the name of religion than being a good Muslim and living a religious life?
Shampire: It's really simple. We go to Hajj and how much is it? 50,000 ruffiya to go there? And then we have to wait until we die and hope we dont commit any sins. But you can go to a what we call a Jihadhees ground like Pakistan for 5000 ruffiya where you are guaranteed heaven and let's not forget the 70 virgins.
Me: That's quite disturbing to say the least. So you believe in marrying under age girls?
Shampire: It is not what I believe my son. It is what's right. We marry them and we teach them the carnal pleasures of sex. Who is better to teach them than someone who has known it all and done it all and...
Me: ...and old enough to be their grandpa...
Shampire: SILENCE! Don't you dare cut me off. I'll put a Jihad on you.
Me: Oh dear... you think my scrawny ass will get you 70 virgins?
Shampire: I feel sorry for you. You are a lost soul and I will do my best to bring you into the light.
Me: No no.. no light. I hate the light. I want to be in the dark!!
Shampire: Think about it my son. You'll get eternal pleasures in heaven and you'll get immortality. Plus do what I say and I'll put in a good word for you with the Mulla and get you a high position.
Me: There is only one way I will do it.
Shampire: (with tears gleaming in his eyes) Glory be to God! What is it my lost son?
Me: You have a young daughter who is about 14 years old?
Shampire: Yes yes I do. She is the apple of my eye. My tenth wife gave birth to her when she was 14 years old herself.
Me: I wanna marry her and show her all the carnal pleasures that you talked about. That'll be my first step to eternal salvation.
Shampire: I KILL YOU!!!

At this point he twisted and turned his walking stick which became an AK47 and I ran for dear life as the bullets flew over my head. Until next time. Adios...

dhiraagu to introduce prayers via sms

all the images are courtesy of Google

Dhiraagu has just launched a new service to the public in its latest series of new and extravagant things you can do by an sms. This new service is the ability to perform the five daily prayers just by sending an sms. Isn't that easy? Dhiraagu knows perfectly well how to monopolize the market and fend off any competition from all the other networks. This was announced just moments after Dhiraagu introduced paying alms (Zakaath) by an sms.

Some of you cynical types may ask, "How much does Dhiraagu charge for this service?" The answer is really simple. It is all based on a demand and supply basis. Let us say there is Ali who prays five times regularly using Dhiraagu. More prayers means the probability of him going to heaven is more. Therefore he will be charged Mrf. 10 for every prayer compared to Ahmed who prays once every other day. Ahmed will be charged Mrf. 2 for every sms because he is damned to burn in hell already. It's too much? How can it be so? We are talking about eternal salvation and an afterlife of heavenly beauties, 72 of them to be exact, and every pleasure you can imagine. Dhiraagu marketing manager, alfaalil honorable highness his excellency mister Ahmed Shaafiu said that 10 Ruffiya is actually a big loss for Dhiraagu to provide such heavenly service. "We have to establish connections with up above and it takes a lot of expense to deliver those sms on time." He explained. "Speaking of time, this service will also allow people to perform prayers that have passed the time (i.e. Galoa namaadhu)." When asked about how the service works, he replied, "Just type I PRAY followed by a space followed by the name of the prayer in an sms and send it to 1800-GOD-R-US and you're one step closer to heaven."

When asked on the success of this new service, Shaafiu said that the sales of Dhiraagu prepaid kits have sky rocketed and they are already generating a lot of revenue, especially from the religious types who can now get their 70 virgins much less painfully than blowing themselves up. He concluded by saying that Dhiraagu is working on a way to allow people to perform the pilgrimage by sending an sms. "We have a long way to go before we bear the fruit. It costs a lot of money for sending the sms and we are thinking of a way to squeeze.. uhh i mean.. provide the service at affordable costs."

scanners, blue screens, and that guy

Image courtesy of Microsoft Windows

If the above image is not familiar to you, I do not blame you. In fact count yourself lucky. It is a screen you get when windows encounters a fatal error. It is the infamous BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!!! This is not a joke and it can be really frustrating. Even better, it is like herpes. Once you get it, you cannot get rid of it. You will keep on getting BLUE SCREENS OF DEATH when you least expect it. And it will drive you mad.

I am sure you are now thinking, "That won't happen to me. It will happen to someone else." Let me tell you something. Have you heard of 'that guy'? The guy who's laptop crashes at the last minute while working on something important. Or the guy who loses all of his personal stuff. When I first got my laptop at the academy, I was told to back up my documents so that I won't lose it. I thought, "Yeah right, I am not that guy." The tech guys even told us horror stories and I refused to believe. That was four years ago.

Fast forward to 2009, I shutdown my computer and take it to my project partner's room. I try to boot it up and viola.. yes, it was there... the BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!! I thought it would fix itself after a while. But no... it wouldn't. Comes the next day, I still can't get to even switch on my computer because of the damned thing. Finally I went to the computer repair guys and I pleaded with them to atleast get my documents from the hard drive. The guy there was really nice. He removed the hard disk and tried to get the data. BUT THE GOD FORSAKEN THING WAS BROKEN!! He couldn't access the hard disk even remotely and finally I had to face the inevitable: I lost all of my stuff. My pics, my writings, and most importantly my course work. Than God that I had turned in all of my papers.

There was only one silver lining in my dark clouds. I have a separate laptop that I use to work on my senior design project. It contained a year's worth of research and documents that it would kill me if I lost the stuff. Besides, our projects day was right around the corner. Exactly 2 days away. For my project, my team made a system which would be able to scan a material into a depth of 2 mm using an infra red light. I was incharge of writing the software. So anyway, I kept telling myself that I could have lost all of that.

The day before the projects day, we did a final run through and got some screen shots to prepare our presentation. We were all set for the next day. Next morning, I went to the lab, gathered everything we needed. Right before heading out to setting up the system in the presentation area, I wanted to do one final run through. I switched on the computer and yeah... you guessed it... I got the blue plaque from the IT God!!! The thing did not start and everyone had already left. I managed to find a desktop PC which had a backup of our software and we looked like fools carrying a CPU and a screen when everyone else were setting up their projects with laptops, projectors, and big LCD monitors.

On a side note, since then I have gotten the BSOD (I am getting tired of writing it) 5 times on my personal laptop and I still cannot access the project laptop. It's like a curse...

Adios...

from sodhigu to lodhigu

So here I am again… it’s about something I have been thinking of. You know how much we claim that Dhivehi is a rich language and how we are unique and all the crap about that? Well, I took Arabic as a foreign language my sophomore year and also took English literature and Turkish literature. However, I must say they don’t say how rich and culturally diverse their language is. Nor did I see someone who made a verse about how much they loved English or Arabic. If I am to guess, I think we are over compensating for what we lack. Just like the dude who has the latest cell phone, wears the latest ray-ban, and drives the most recent model of Bajaj motorcycle to hide the fact that his doodle stick is smaller than the rest.

Don’t get me wrong, I love our language. As my friend Iya said, we have so many ways to swear… We Maldivians can make any word in our vocabulary a swear word. Our language is that rich.

Damn, I got carried away there. Well, I wanted to throw a few questions about some hard words I heard growing up and what I infer from them now that I am more independent and able to stand on my own two feet.

Kehkuri meeha faaru buduga ove maruvy- Okaaaay. I should be patient so that I would die. I don’t need a genius to tell me that. On the contrary, that’s why we shouldn’t be patient. Get what we want as soon as possible before we die!!!

Kuhlhavah falu ranin hedhun- Yeah, the idea behind this is to convey that you forgot what you were when you get new riches. But I think it is how we say ‘bitch’ in Dhivehi. Let’s say my friend Ahmed who used to play with me as a kid ignores me now that he is all so handsome and good with the ladies. So I say, ‘Ey Ahmed, thihiry kuhlhavah falu ranin hedhifa dho.’ This really means, ‘Hey Ahmed, you are a little bitch!!’ Get it?

Nufoaraa fothin foo gelhun- Okay, this is just too vulgar for the like of me… I mean is there any way this is even possible if the piece of cloth is too short??!! So you’ll pretty much end up wiping your own backside with your hand. Let us look at an example. I see my friend Ahmed once again; he is trying to climb a greased lamp post. Since this is impossible (because I said so) I exclaim to him, ‘Thiulheny nufoaraa fothin foo galhan dho?’ In truth, I am saying, ‘You might as well wipe your ass with your hand because that will be easier!’

Ok, this time it’s an English idiom. Isn’t it weird how that is spelled so close to ‘idiot’?
The early bird catches the worm- I can’t take all the credit for this one. I said this to my roommate because he was getting late and he said, ‘That’s disgusting!’ So it dawned on me (bright white light, with heavenly music) that this means if you want to do something nasty, do it early so that no one can see. Where is that Ahmed now? Ohh there he is... watching that two girls one cup video!! I say to him, ‘Ahmed, if you want to catch the worm, be the early bird.’ I am truly saying, ‘Ahmed, if you want to watch or do something nasty, do it when no one is around!!’ Ewwww..

And last and also least, here is one I like because it involves bananas. I love bananas.
Keyo kevey varu ingeyny bithu fangi negyma- How lazy do you have to be? You throw the banana skins inside the coconut leaf partition instead of the trash bags while there is a large possibility that some topless teenage girls are hanging around it hoping to find their true love. So there I see my friend Iya, he is trying to kill Amjay with a wrench (he has a personal vendetta against Amjay). I exclaim, “Iya, keyo kevey varu ingeyny bithu fangi negyma ey!!’ I am not condemning him for doing that. I am only saying, ‘Why be lazy and kill Amjay with a wrench when there are knives, guns, and construction iron with sharpened ends?’ Use things for what they are meant for and not for other uses. Sheesh!!

Disclaimer: Finally, I say these words because my post wasn’t meant to demean or belittle any language. The fact is that I am truly embracing it. I love it enough to make fun of it. They say, we always hurt the one we love. I say, we make fun of, torture, and pretty much do sadistic things to the things we truly love. Adios...

bits and binaries: chain letters

It's been a while since I have been here, but hey, no one noticed I haven't updated in a while. I am in a rather sour mood today and so will be this post, so sue me. I was sitting at my laptop browsing through the Internet, my eye to the outside world beyond these great gray walls when I got one of those 'please forward' kind of emails. While I agree that it is a good thing to spread knowledge and such, I cannot figure out why I will be unlucky or why I would go to heaven if I forwarded an email. I mean, come on... if going to heaven is that easy, the 4000 people who go to school with me would be in heaven. It makes for a nice ad slogan though, 'Paradise - only a click a way' pretty catchy huh? I came up with it myself.

One of my favorite pieces of mail is about making a wish and then forwarding the email to some people within a certain time span. It says if I do not do so, I would be unlucky (ooh, there comes another email) in love and that if I forward the email, my true love will kiss me at midnight. Yeah right!!

These chain letters made me wonder, was it like this back in the day? Did our fathers and grand parents send chain letters for good luck? Maybe they sent pigeons. That's a load of shit. Ha! That works both ways. Well let me tell you, they did use chain communication!!!

Remember back in the day, when we see the moon for our Eids, they would light a big fire and the islands who see it will light another fire and so forth.

The only difference is that there was a legit use for that unlike today, when it's done just to go to heaven or to get true love. Let me tell you, if forwarding emails brought forth true love, I know quite some people who would have kids by now.

I think I heard some of our dhanna beykalun saying that it was forbidden to believe in horoscopes and such things to do with fate. In that case, forwarding an email cos you believe that it will bring you good luck is just damn too good to pass down as being hypocritical of the very religious sermons that you, Oh Great Wise ones, so daringly and knowingly preach. Adios...

the hypocrisy of men: politics

It seems like everyone is a politician these days. Being the firm believer in differing opinions that I am, I just want to throw my two cents out there... I am not preaching the failure or the damnation of the current presidential regime... I am not judging the politicians as a bunch of people who are nothing more than self loathing arrogant sociopaths... I am not claiming they want the money earned by the hard working citizens of our beloved Maldives just for themselves nor that they are power hungry and full of bullshit, and feed us false hopes and promises. I merely want to compare and contrast the current presidency that liberated us with the dictatorship of thirty years under Maumoon during its reign of military rule over the country.

During Maumoon's time, gang violence is because of him and his family’s cronies.
Now it is due to the fact that youths today are too much.

When a prisoner dies in Maumoon's presidency, the whole event was planned by him and executed by the police.
Now the prisoners die of natural causes under no harm or violence from the police.

When a group of people gathered in front of the NSS (now MNDF) headquarters, it was because of their right to freedom of expression and Maumoon sent his 'golha force' to beat up the people. Now it is unlawful and you can be arrested by the 'dhivehi raajeeyge fuluhun' for gathering in the same place to convey their opinion.

Maumoon ruled the country with an iron fist by hiring his family members and friends to make sure his opposition had no chance. Anni saved us from this tyrant by hiring a man who is responsible for the blood of our sons by betraying his country and people in order to over throw the dictatorship of Maumoon.

During Maumoon's time MNDF and the police were his private militia and earned the title of 'Golha Force.' The current presidency praises the forces for their accomplishments because democracy wouldn't have come to this country without our beloved security forces.

Hunger strikes were because the troops beat up the detainees when Maumoon was in power. The hunger strikes now are because the detainees themselves are just complaining.

Maumoon ruled the country using religion as a tool to promote oppression and tyranny and thus he hunt down and imprisoned all the chosen people from God. The current presidency has saved us by introducing the veil to an all new height and allowing individuals who believe in extremist ideas and beliefs to the government.

I think that's enough for one time...

holy shit

Image from Family Guy, copyright of Fox

So I was in class the other day and this kid was calling off everyone's name to make sure we were present...
My name is second to last in the register, so i had some time to kill with my day dreams... It got closer and closer to my name... and you know that feeling you get when your name is about to be called in a group of people? you don't? well it was rhetorical anyway...
The guy calls off, 'Strom' and the response 'here' follows..
Now the guy makes a face, squints his eyes and exclaims, 'HOLY SHIT!!!'
'Here,' I replied...

my first post

so here we go... this will be more of a rant than a blog posting.. maybe that's what a blog is.. anyway, i noticed there aren't much choices for font selection on this thing... to those who know me, i was looking for the font that you people so dearly love... :-) guess someone up there likes you... well i have to go now... heroes is about to start.. why i watch that show i dont know... maybe it's just an excuse to validate my life as i refrain from doing my homework... here is a joke for you.. i know some of you won't like it.. but listen people.. there is much more where it came from... adios