Before I get on with the post, I have a few words of caution: This post is not for the weak or the faint of heart. Because I am going to shatter every sweet fairy tale that you have conjured up in your worthless minds after watching cartoons. I intend to offend you into oblivion and a bit more, like no one has ever done before. I am going to rip and twist your beloved cartoons metaphorically and literally from your hearts and minds, and turn them into your worst nightmare! But since you are still reading this, why not finish and see for yourself?
the faint heart: if your heart looks anything like this, please stop reading!
Webster defines fable as "a narration intended to enforce a useful truth; especially: one in which animals speak and act like human beings," and that's what cartoons are supposed to be. However, yes, a big however, you have not seen the "useful" truth behind cartoons. But fear not my dear and undear readers, for I am here to finally present to you the uncovered useful truths about the cartoons as it should have been interpreted. You will learn, by the end of the day, the utter bitter truth. If you are shocked, I intend to shock you and it is for your own good!
1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
It is a norm that step-moms are the Satan of all things lovable and huggable in a family. Media further perverse the notion by the many evil depictions of stepmothers and is not limited to just 'seductions' of step children by step-moms in the porn industry. But since porn isn't the topic of the day, I will present to you a stepmother loathed by everyone from their early childhood: Snow White's step-mom.
just look at the contours of her face! such concern for her stepdaughter
The hidden truth: Stepmothers love you the most! Yes she tried and to some extent succeeded in feeding Snow White a poisoned apple. But she didn't do it to kill her. In fact she was doing the exact opposite. By her act of valor, the stepmother was saving Snow White from being violated by the seven dwarfs. I know it's quite surprising but it is the absolute blunt truth with no exaggeration or lies. The stepmother went as far as to magically disguise herself as an old woman so that Snow White wouldn't know who had ultimately saved her. Such modesty and dedication was rare during that age and time. All the step-mom wanted was to merely preserve Snow White's chastity so that no one but the Prince could deflower her!
2. Sleeping Beauty
If there is one thing that makes a girl bubbly and weak in her knees, it is the thought of waking up to a prince. As stalkarish and creepy as it sounds, girls love the idea, and cartoons such as Sleeping Beauty, which ironically happens to be the only musical I took part in my whole life, created the ultimate being-woken-up-by-a-kiss-fantasy of every girl. Indeed a stranger with his lips puckered up for a kiss the moment you wake up is nice and romantic, but it IS restraining-order nice! I am not complaining though, because it gives us guys all the more indigenous ways to woo a girl. However, while the message that love prevails beyond sleep, witches and whatnot is mildly hinted by this cartoon, many overlook the truly intended message.
The hidden truth: We don't have to brush our teeth before we go to bed! Yes my friends and foes. We all remember our parents nagging us since childhood to brush our teeth when we go to bed. That it prevents tooth decay and how bad it would smell if we don't brush. But we are shown in Sleeping Beauty that it is perfectly normal for one to go to bed without brushing. And that too for a 100 years! And when Prince Philip comes on his horse after ass-kicking beasts and magical creatures, he doesn't think twice about savoring the soft luscious lips of the princess who didn't brush her teeth. In his defence, he may not be aware of the oral state of the princess' mouth, but had it been bad, he would have surely broken the kiss after he got a taste of that sweet lass.
3. Beauty and the Beast
It is rumored that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that love conquers all. This cartoon is intended to be the ultimate proof of that. It follows the life of an arrogant prince whose pride gets him into trouble with one hot witch-babe. But he manages to lift his curse by winning the love of the hottest thang in the universe of Beauty and the Beast: Belle. It's more than a cartoon which shows that appearance or body hair doesn't matter at all, and shows how much one would sacrifice for true love and family.
The hidden truth: Girls always go for douchebags! Please don't raise your eyebrows at me. You know that very well, you self righteous hypocrites. The Beast was nothing but a dickhead to Belle. He imprisoned her father who only sought shelter. Then imprisoned her in return. Treated her like trash, and surprise surprise! She falls in love with him. At the end of the story, the witch-babe's curse didn't do much good to rid the Beast of his pride and douchebaggery. The Beast showed that he didn't even need the looks to clutch the sexiest girl in the universe from the handsomest hunk of a man in the same universe: Gaston.
Life is about the survival of the fittest. Species survive based on natural selection. It's a dog-eat-dog world. If you haven't seen any of the last statements in your life, then you'd better read the last line again. OK? Let's get on with it. Smurfs shows a bunch of blue rascals trying to fight or flight against the evil forces of one brilliant mastermind magician aka Gargamel, evading his ploys and tricks to live to fight another day. So the message of the cartoon is crystal clear. If you want to survive, you have to be craftier than the predator and join hands together for survival. If you just nodded, you are right and wrong. I agree that it was A message but once again, you have been fooled my perusing brothers and sisters.
The hidden truth: We are put on this world to have sex! Procreation has been a major tenet in all Abrahamic religions, and the same idea is inculcated within us since childhood. Inception much? By now you must have guessed I was going to single out Smurfette. I am not implying that she is a slut, because she is doing it mostly for the survival of her kind and a little bit for pleasure. By some unfortunate luck she just happened to be the only female in the colony surrounded by a hundred azure-donged smurfs. As the saying goes, a gal gotta do what a gal gotta do....
5. Little Mermaid
Little mermaid, similar to some of the aforementioned cartoons, show perseverance in the face of adversity to conquer love. We always sacrifice what we have such as Riches, Fame, Status, and Toys if we want to go progress to the next step of Meslow's hierarchy of needs. So it was only natural that our beloved Ariel would sacrifice her God-given voice for a pair of legs so that she can win the love of Prince Eric and get jiggy with him.
the look of I-want-to-bone-you on their faces says it all: the title said dwarfs. not snow white and the seven eunuchs
2. Sleeping Beauty
If there is one thing that makes a girl bubbly and weak in her knees, it is the thought of waking up to a prince. As stalkarish and creepy as it sounds, girls love the idea, and cartoons such as Sleeping Beauty, which ironically happens to be the only musical I took part in my whole life, created the ultimate being-woken-up-by-a-kiss-fantasy of every girl. Indeed a stranger with his lips puckered up for a kiss the moment you wake up is nice and romantic, but it IS restraining-order nice! I am not complaining though, because it gives us guys all the more indigenous ways to woo a girl. However, while the message that love prevails beyond sleep, witches and whatnot is mildly hinted by this cartoon, many overlook the truly intended message.
girl wooing 101: lesson 3 - lip locking
The hidden truth: We don't have to brush our teeth before we go to bed! Yes my friends and foes. We all remember our parents nagging us since childhood to brush our teeth when we go to bed. That it prevents tooth decay and how bad it would smell if we don't brush. But we are shown in Sleeping Beauty that it is perfectly normal for one to go to bed without brushing. And that too for a 100 years! And when Prince Philip comes on his horse after ass-kicking beasts and magical creatures, he doesn't think twice about savoring the soft luscious lips of the princess who didn't brush her teeth. In his defence, he may not be aware of the oral state of the princess' mouth, but had it been bad, he would have surely broken the kiss after he got a taste of that sweet lass.
then again, who'd care about dental jargon when he gets to tap that?
3. Beauty and the Beast
It is rumored that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that love conquers all. This cartoon is intended to be the ultimate proof of that. It follows the life of an arrogant prince whose pride gets him into trouble with one hot witch-babe. But he manages to lift his curse by winning the love of the hottest thang in the universe of Beauty and the Beast: Belle. It's more than a cartoon which shows that appearance or body hair doesn't matter at all, and shows how much one would sacrifice for true love and family.
i bet you are thinking how the hell he ended up with such a hottie
The hidden truth: Girls always go for douchebags! Please don't raise your eyebrows at me. You know that very well, you self righteous hypocrites. The Beast was nothing but a dickhead to Belle. He imprisoned her father who only sought shelter. Then imprisoned her in return. Treated her like trash, and surprise surprise! She falls in love with him. At the end of the story, the witch-babe's curse didn't do much good to rid the Beast of his pride and douchebaggery. The Beast showed that he didn't even need the looks to clutch the sexiest girl in the universe from the handsomest hunk of a man in the same universe: Gaston.
come on belle: look at that and tell me how you could ignore all that meat!
4. SmurfsLife is about the survival of the fittest. Species survive based on natural selection. It's a dog-eat-dog world. If you haven't seen any of the last statements in your life, then you'd better read the last line again. OK? Let's get on with it. Smurfs shows a bunch of blue rascals trying to fight or flight against the evil forces of one brilliant mastermind magician aka Gargamel, evading his ploys and tricks to live to fight another day. So the message of the cartoon is crystal clear. If you want to survive, you have to be craftier than the predator and join hands together for survival. If you just nodded, you are right and wrong. I agree that it was A message but once again, you have been fooled my perusing brothers and sisters.
the smurfs had to contend with this menace...
...while their booty was limited to just this!
The hidden truth: We are put on this world to have sex! Procreation has been a major tenet in all Abrahamic religions, and the same idea is inculcated within us since childhood. Inception much? By now you must have guessed I was going to single out Smurfette. I am not implying that she is a slut, because she is doing it mostly for the survival of her kind and a little bit for pleasure. By some unfortunate luck she just happened to be the only female in the colony surrounded by a hundred azure-donged smurfs. As the saying goes, a gal gotta do what a gal gotta do....
do you really believe that this lot sprouted from the ground like mushrooms?
5. Little Mermaid
Little mermaid, similar to some of the aforementioned cartoons, show perseverance in the face of adversity to conquer love. We always sacrifice what we have such as Riches, Fame, Status, and Toys if we want to go progress to the next step of Meslow's hierarchy of needs. So it was only natural that our beloved Ariel would sacrifice her God-given voice for a pair of legs so that she can win the love of Prince Eric and get jiggy with him.
a woman sacrificing her voice? yes
I know what you're thinking (I am afraid I can't show you her goodies)
So the message is quiet clear on this one, right? That love will prevail above all evil. I am afraid that you cannot be more wrong. Little mermaid doesn't show how to win love. It doesn't even show that you should sacrifice to win over one's heart. It gives you a very sexist message. And I hope that you, my fellow and unfellow readers, would forgive me for what I am about to reveal.
The hidden truth: Guys don't want to hear girls talk! That's darn right. Ariel gave up her voice and she need not say a thing for Prince Eric to fall head over heels in love with her. Ariel didn't have to sing or speak sweet nothing into his ears. Once she dazzled Eric with her moneymakers, everything fell into place naturally.
do you really want Ariel to run her mouth off and ruin the perfect mood?
6. Land Before Time
Ever had to deal with a bully, or for you female types, a bitch? If you answered no, you'll just have to bear with me. That's your punishment for not knowing. The rest of you can relate to how Littlefoot and his companions would have felt through the entire cartoon as they tried to survive the onslaught brought about by this ghastly creature:
they are just kids. bad sharptooth!
So what did our prehistoric friends do? They killed the mofo! In an epic battle second only to the battle of the Second Bull Run, Littlefoot and his dino-friends finally got rid of the autoerocticismically-challenged son of a bitch.
hasta la vista baby
Yes a point of the cartoon was to show if you're a bully karma will find you, and that you'll end up with your family in the end. But (if you haven't guessed already) there is more than meets the eye. And that which did not meet the eye is...
The hidden truth: Bitches! The real bitch in this cartoon isn't Sharptooth. In fact, it is our three-horned non-stop yapper: Cera. From start to finish she maintains her bitchdom supremacy to cosmic levels. However, the rest of the team put up with her because they knew that if they had to survive, they needed her bitchiness to balance the good and the evil within the team. The Land Before Time is teaching you and your kids that they should tolerate bitches!
exhibit a: one bitch to rule them all, one bitch to find them. one bitch to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
That's enough ranting for one post. Until next time. Adios...
