the wizard of maldives: an analogy

The following post is rated 'S' for spoilers.

If there is one thing I like as much as cartoons, it is making analogies out of cartoons. You see, analogies are the perfect way to present an idea and...OK OK. I know you know what an analogy is. Let us get on with the post.

gather one, gather all! it's time to give another classic the maldivian treatment

Unlike Alice in Wonderland, for which I did an analogy sometime earlier (have a look), I remember the Wizard of Oz for haunting me the first time I watched the movie as an innocent boy. I have never been the same innocent naive boy since. The Wizard of Oz opened my eyes to the dark side of life: witchcraft, lions, slippers, and finally, flying monkeys! Not to derail from the subject at hand, but let us reminisce the 'dark side of the rainbow' that had avid readers and wannabes everywhere jump with excitement. What I am trying to say here is that the Wizard of Oz literally is the shit! So...now that I am grown up, mature, and flamboyantly handsome, I want to get to the crux of things and see how I can analyze our God-given pearl of a country through the lens of this timeless classic by Frank Baum.

1. I'll start off with the main protagonist: Dorothy Gale. Miss Gale is not your everyday law-abiding citizen. On the contrary, she is in fact one of the most important people in the universe of Oz. Plucked from her home in Kansas, all Dorothy wants is to get back home. However, she is all that stands between good and evil. Furthermore, she is the brains and muscles of her band of misfits. In short, she has big shoes to fill. More on the said shoes later.

eyes on the shoes! she's not some piece of meat for you to ogle at

Throughout the whole book/movie, Dorothy does everything humanly possible to reach home but keeps falling short and ends up having to help the Wizard every single time. In short, she represents each and everyone of us apart from a lucky few. We all have such high hopes and dreams and whatnot, but the majority of us hardly get there. We get hiccups midway, whether it's getting married and popping out a child, or having to settle finances. Either way, in the end we find ourselves quite far from where we wanted to go.

all i wanted was to be a writer who moonlights as a superhero and i have to settle for writing captions!

2. Tin Man

*sigh* i wish!

Apart from not being everyone's superhero from Marvel (and by everyone I mean those who know superheroes through Hollywood), Tin Man represents the service industry of the Maldives. Sure, Tin Man looks all polished and shiny on the outside, but he's as useful as nipples on a breastplate. Likewise, if you have dealt with any place in the Maldives that serves customers, such as Bank of Maldives, IGMH, Dhiraagu, Post Office, and restaurants, to name a few, you'd rue the day you were born. You would not only get piss-poor service, they'll rape your sanity along the way! At a restaurant they'll charge you an arm and a leg despite the shitty service and unwanted 'souvenirs' in your food. At a queue, there'll be one working counter no matter how many people are in line. Despite where you go, one thing they all have in common is that the staff would go out of their way to ensure you have PTSD by the time you are finished.

my face when i get service at *insert any place you want*

3. I don't really have to explain much for this entry, given the name Cowardly Lion. I remember the first time I saw him on TV and literally shat my shorts. He was that scary. However, five minutes later, even my young and very clueless mind was able to grasp the reality of what was unfurling right before my very small eyes. The King of the jungle, the fucking Maharajah of the freaking animal kingdom, was a sissy!

if this clown is the king of the jungle, i'm the goddamned batman!

So what does this closeted cross-dressing (hint hint) Sultan of the wild represent in our country? His hairy majesty represents the unusual tendency of today's youth. Mainly the males' fashion tastes. Even the most bad ass gangster cum drug lord on the streets wears pink shirts and skinny jeans. I know I'm not the one to talk when it comes to fashion and stuff, but hello! At least wear something that does not make us normal folks question your sexuality. What's even grimmer is that many from the up and coming female generation find this abomination manly. Blech!

 imagine fitting your legs and your family jewels in that cone and try not to cringe

4. Scarecrow

be honest with me here and tell me the warner bros logo at the bottom right of the screen didn't remind you of bugs bunny

Scarecrows have only one God-given purpose in their lives: scare the shit out of pests. And, if the Wizard of Oz has given any indication of it thus far, it's that scaring is the one thing our straw-filled friend cannot do. Likewise, we have a fair number of laws in our nation and even though our Constitution fails to match the lengthy prowess of the Constitution of India, we do have a good amount of laws and regulations to govern the state. Furthermore, the legislature keeps enacting new laws every year to empower relevant authorities to make sure people abide laws of the land. I'll tell you one thing this farce has achieved: These laws and whatnot sure have protected the offenders from having to answer in the court of law. Whether it is due to a technical issue or because of lack of evidence, the laws that are enacted to protect the citizens do everything but!

behave!

5. Nothing says the Wizard of Oz like the flying monkeys. They fly, they're sneaky, and they are monkeys! These pesky apes represent the cancer that plagues our nation: the drug addicts, the murderers, the addicts, the rapists, and the thieves. We can argue that we no longer have the very basic right a human should have: feeling secure in our own house. And thanks to the inability of the authorities and lackluster laws (i.e. entry 4), these pests roam free day and night. All the taxpayers are left to do with is to lock their doors and pray it's someone else that gets shagged. There's a loophole though: you are also someone else's someone else. Did that make sense? Never mind.

it's a bird! it's a plane! it's a...bunchofcrazyparteyscomingtofuckingstabyou!

6. Ruby slippers (as promised)

no, it isn't something to ward off foot worshipers

The ruby slippers, though not technically a character, presents the means for our heroine to go to home. If we look at the current state of the country, our biggest target has been establishing democracy. What better way to represent democracy than by a free and fair election? This is what the ruby slippers is to the Maldivians: the very means to establish rule of law and good governance. Oh, did I not mention that even though the ruby slippers have the magic to take us anywhere, us Maldivians always seem to choose an asshole when it comes to decide who to rule us. This is not something that is happening only now. It has been the same throughout our history. And no, I don't mean the past thirty years. Maldives has been around a whole lot longer than that! In the end, even though we know the people who took a dump on us, even though we know they will do it again, we always re-elect them and place them on the pedestal so that we may cower beneath them while they caress our tresses with their poo.

wait a gosh darn minute! are you telling me we've been going round in circles?

7. If you have been reading this post up to this point, you should know we still have a wizard unaccounted for. It would also behoove you to know that the wizard represents the politicians. We fall for their sleazy tricks. Not to mention, politicians are royal dicks who treat their constituents worse than cum rags unless it's time to vote. I'll paraphrase a quote from an incumbent MP who stated that he bought his seats. That it was a business transaction and as businesses go, he had the right to sell his votes, to shift alliances and to you know...be a royal dick. I just cannot fathom how the hell Maldivians not see all this!

i've read harry potter. wizards use brooms to fly. i call shenanigans! 

8. Wicked Witch of the West

No tale is complete without a formidable villain and the Wicked Witch of the West is as villainous as a villain could be.

can i cop a feel...just a little?

No. She does not personify she-hulk wannabe women who like young girls. She stands for something far worse: xenophobia. We have become so insecure in our faith that we have succumbed to identifying everything based on whether it's blasphemous aka laadheenee or accepted in Islam. Whether it's the death of a fellow human being or whether it's simply wishing a new year, we would rather bicker whether the person would go to hell or heaven instead of praying for peace for the departed soul. Or in the case of sending well wishes on an occasion, holier than thou know-it-alls among us would preach non-stop about how wishing someone during their festivities would mean we accept their religion. And don't even get me started on how we see everything as a crucifix or an idol. I mean, it's not like my faith is a snowflake that would melt once the rays from the sun hits it. Or maybe we feel losing our religion is as easy as losing our virginity. I mean, it's not like I'd slip and enter someone and slip out and slip back in again. Is it that easy?

hmm...not sure if this post is laadheenee or not

Until next time. Adios...

the coconut: the desolation of an unexpected journey to there and back

Prologue:

It began long ago in a land far away to the east, the like of which you will not find in the world today. There was the city of Male, its markets known far and wide, full of the bounties of vine and vale, peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-Earth: Mordis, stronghold of Namaari, King of the Sea and mightiest of the Kraken-Lords. Namaari ruled with utter surety, never doubting his house would endure, for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson.

Ah, Usef...Male'! (pronounced Yoosef) From deep within the ocean itself, the beauty of this island city was legend. Its wealth lay in the ocean in precious gems hewn from rock and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the Krakens was unequaled, fashioning objects of great beauty out of corals, fish bones, rock, and sand. Ever they delved deep, down into the dark and that is where they found it, the Heart of the Ocean...the Tuna. Namaari named it the King's Jewel, he took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him, even the great Human King Bod Umanzar (pronounced Bodh Umaanzar). But the years of peace and plenty was not to last. Slowly the days turned sour and the watchful nights closed in. Namaari's love of tuna grown too fierce and sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives, bad things will follow...

Chapter 1:

It was a day like any other in the lands of Mordis. The sky was azure blue, the ocean dark blue, the sun an orangish-blue, you get the picture. The gulls sang their jubilant songs as the waves washed ashore broken corals, dead leaves and branches, and a coconut covered with seaweed; an ancient sign of things to come. The fisher folk of this small village set about with their daily musings paying no heed to what the waves washed upon the shores. The folks of Mordis were simple and did not care about the goings-on in Middle Earth or about ancient signs. They were a proud bunch of people and prefer their quiet lives. Little did they know, that the forthcoming days would be different. In fact it would be very different, for a man from foreign lands was going to join them tonight for supper. No one knows who or where this stranger came from. Dressed in a white cloak, carrying a bag and unarmed save for his walking staff, the alien stood at the piers as the folks returned with their catch. Traces of white were seen on an otherwise shiny and well-groomed beard. The cloaked figure had a small frame to him and though the hood of the cloak prevented the curious villagers from having a good look, it did not prevent them from seeing the wrinkles of age on the man's face. There was an eerie feeling about him, aided even more by the darkening world as the sun set. Nonetheless, the man had an aura that demanded attention and respect.

"May we help you, old man?", asked one person. Everyone held their breath, and for mere seconds, time froze a little as they wished beyond their wildest dreams that the stranger would understand the local tongue.

"I ask for nothing but bread and mead, and a bosom should you have a pair or two to spare," the man's voice was soft and withdrawn, as mysterious as his appearance.

"Aye, you don't even have to ask. You must be new here, Mordis folks are well-known for their hospitality. We'll be happy to provide you with guest rights," the relief was evident in the village smith's voice. He continued, "...but what is this bosom you speak of?"

This caught the old man off guard for a moment but was quick to regain his composure. "Never mind lads, your guest rites are good enough for a tired traveler in a foreign land."

"Old man, you will have the finest bread we eat and the sweetest wine we drink for as long as you wish to stay with us...," another villager chimed in. There were nods of agreement over the crowd that gathered. Some of the women and the children had now joined to see the commotion.

"That is very kind of you, villagers. You have already given me more than a stranger could ask for," and the old man took off his hood, "But please, call me Acyof (pronounced Achiof). And Lo! I beg of you, why are your females not covering their bodies waist up?"

Even in the midst of the exchange and the sincere concern in his eyes, the crowd got a good look at this strange human. Not only did he ask for unknown gifts from simple fisher folk, he began questioning the appearance of the village females. A normal sane person would have recoiled in horror at this intrusion by a complete stranger, but Alas, not the folks of Mordis, who were neither normal nor sane. They were the children of the sea. They were of salt and tuna.

As the crowd murmured amongst themselves, unable to reason why the women bared their chests, an elderly man walked up to them. Dressed in an old black cloak, white shoulder length hair and a grey beard that was in disarray. Acyof could safely guess this old man was the village Elder as the crowd parted part to let the old man through. The newcomer walked slowly with the aid of a walking staff, each step threatening to give his knees away under the weight.

"Good morrow, Acyof. I am the village Elder, Heebi Jeebis," Heebi Jeebis smiled at Acyof and extended his hand.

"My heartfelt thanks to you, Elder Heebi Jeebis," Acyof took the Elder's bony hand and shook it. Acyof noted that as old as Heebi Jeebis was, he had a strong grip.

"I open my house for you and it would bring great honor on House Jeebis to provide you with all your needs."

With that, Heebi Jeebis turned around and walked away from the shore and onward to the busy streets. Acyof followed close behind to his new home.

The coconut, meanwhile, was nowhere to be seen.

Chapter 5:

Acyof woke up in the middle of the night. It took him a while to realize he has been asleep for some time. The bedside lantern had gone out sometime after he slept and since the moon had set, it was pitch black. Acyof was staring into the darkness wondering why he woke up suddenly when he heard a soft tapping outside. Someone was there. The tapping was steady. Same interval between each tap. Not getting loud either. Cautious, with nothing but his trustworthy walking staff in hand, Acyof slowly walked out of the back door. And there he saw it!

A shadow was lurking in the corner, facing the wall. Its arms were moving back and forth. Thinking it must be a bandit after his money, Acyof wasted no time. He swung the staff at the mysterious figure, all his strength behind the blow. THUD!!! The figure collapsed onto the ground. Startled.

"SPEAK YOUR NAME, BRUTE, BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO A SEAXAN!"

What happened next shocked Acyof. The mystery man started crying loudly. Throughout his life as a traveler, he had never seen a grown man breakdown in front of him and start crying this way.

"Oh come on! It was a jape. I do not know magic," Acyof tried to reassure the wailing man before him.

"I'm very sorry Ser, Acyof," the man said in between sobs. "I was just performing my nightly ritual and..."

Acyof's eyes widened as the realization hit him. "You what, you filthy creature? I should beat you up for this! I don't care what your reason is," Acyof raised his staff threateningly.

"No no. This is not what it seems," the man was on his knees now. "I was going to the toilet and I could not undo the knot on my robe," I was fiddling with it when you knocked me to the ground, Ser. Please don't turn me into no Seaxan. I beg of you!" And with that, the man broke again into hysterical sobs.

"Fear not my strange friend. I would not hurt a single hair of your body."

The scared man got to his feet and shaking the sand off his elbow looked at Acyof and gave a toothy grin, "I am Usel Ess Idiot (pronounced Yoosel As Eediyoth) the..."

"...let me guess, the village fool?" Acyof interrupted.

"Yes! You are so smart, Ser."

"Please, call me Acyof. Nice to meet you Usel," Acyof exclaimed and shook the hand of his newly found fool of a friend.

The unlikely friends laughed out loud while they reenacted the scene of their meeting when the first rooster doodled its cock.

Chapter 17:

Acyof returned home that night after hanging out with his friend Usel. The scene that greeted him would have taken the heart of him, "My friends, your faces take the heart of me. You must tell me what is wrong."

Heebi Jeebis took Acyof aside and whispered in his year, "My daughter, my little Dhaleyka, has been taken as a sacrifice to the sea monster," tears were falling from Heebi Jeebis' eyes as he told of what happened. "On each full moon we have to pick one virgin from the village and send her as a sacrifice to the sea monster. We leave her at the Great Temple in Male. This way, the sea monster spares the people of Mordis until the next full moon."

"No need to worry, my good friend Heebi Jeebis!" Acyof took the Elder's hand in his. "I will save your daughter. I vow on my flamboyant beard that I will."

"Why would you do such a thing for a complete stranger?" Heebi Jeebis could not believe his ears.

At this, Acyof smiled, his eyes full of life and whispered, "For what is a man who cannot help his fellow man but the man who brings a smile to others?"

Heebi Jeebis' face lit up. "May your children be wise and rule the worlds!"

"Please make sure my words about helping our fellow men reach my children. Let these words be my legacy." Acyof had a distant look in his eyes. Acyof has already began to suspect in his heart that this quest would cost him his life.

"But Acyof, it was only figurative speech. You have no children."

"I know, but you will see them soon enough, my Lord," Acyof said with a wink, "I must hasten for there is little time till the full moon rises."

Heebi Jeebis looked on as Acyof turned and left the house, with his walking staff in hand. The black cloak danced in the wind. Echoing the moods of all around him. "Farewell, my friend. May the Gods be with you," Heebi Jeebis prayed as he looked up to the heavens.

Chapter 39:

(After a long journey through the mountains and under the sea with Usel...)

Acyof ran into the mausoleum and saw Dhaleyka lying on the sacrificial stone, naked as the day she was born, crying softly. Acyof walked slowly towards the sacrificial mound. Monster or no monster, Acyof knew that no woman deserved such a fate. Everything was in slow motion now. Acyof could hear his heart skip a few beats as he finally reached the stairs to the stone table. Acyof knew what he would see before he even took the steps. Acyof took off his cloak and took in the full form of the beautiful Dhaleyka before him as he got close and raised his cloak to cover her. Outside, the waves were crashing on the break water, joyous and full of glee under the shimmering moonlight.

Chapter 70:

Acyof stepped back after he covered Dhaleyka. "Fear not my lady. My good friend Usel will take you to safety."

With that Acyof sat on the table as he saw Dhaleyka meet with Usel at the door of the mausoleum. Without as much as a backward glance, they were gone. A few minutes after they left, Acyof heard footsteps. It was not as loud as he expected. When the would be monster appeared, Acyof cried out in disbelief. It was King Namaari!

"What in the Light's name is this?!" Acyof exclaimed. "Your majesty, have you been raping and killing the virgins by using the guise of a sea monster?"

"What the deuce? Why is a man here? Guards! GUARDS!!" King Namaari was beyond bewilderment.

"Your Kingsguard won't save you tonight my Lord," Acyof said grabbing his walking staff as the Kingsguard surrounded him, swords in hand.

Chapter 94:

(After a hard-fought and long climactic battle...)

"Have mercy....," King Namaari cried. He was sweating profusely as the realization hit him that all his guards have been slain by the awesome and handsome hero.

"Fear me not my King, for I will not kill you."

"But why..? Why spare me, stranger? Kill me and at least save my face in front of my people. Let me die an honorable death" The mighty Namaari, the Lord of the Oceans, the holder of the Tuna, was on his hands and knees.

"Embrace the Light, my King. That's all I ask of you. And spread the Light to the people. And base everything you do on the Light, for now and forever!" Acyof walked close to the King and knelt down. "My King, tell the people that I fought with the monster valiantly and killed it despite taking a great many wounds. Tell the people my body was lost into the sea. The people need you as their King."

Tears were rolling down King Namaari's royal cheeks as he nodded.

"My Royal Lord, please tell Heebi Jeebis to travel to the lands of his father, Bod Umanzar and to study magic, for a day might come Middle Earth would depend on him. He knows his destiny and he cannot escape it. Maybe that was why I chanced to be in Mordis to begin with. My Liege, ask Dhaleyka to take care of my child and as my last request, ask Usel to find me."

King Namaari looked gravely as he weighed the requests. "If only it was under other conditions, in another time, on another night, I would have made you the Hand of the King, Acyof. Fear not, I shall not let the people of Mordis fall. I will lead our people to the Light."

"Our people. Our people my Lord...And I would have followed you, my brother...my captain...my king." Acyof got up and walked away, his black cloak flapping in the wind. And he walked into the darkness beyond the mausoleum.

"What...what shall I tell the people the monster was?" The king said to himself.

"Rannamaari, my Lord....so that no one would suspect you...," Acyof's last words echoed as he disappeared into the night, never to be seen or heard of again.

Far away from Mordis, by the banks of a river, a coconut washes ashore, covered with barnacles and moss.

Epilogue:

Centuries have passed since the fateful night at Male and Mordis embraced the Light.

In the Royal Palace, within the confines of a filthy dungeon, the great great great grand daughter of Dhaleyka, plans to murder her second husband and ascend to the Throne of Mordis.

Out in the jungles of the forests of Bhārat, Usel Ess Idiot the Sixth looks for his great great great grandfather's best friend's heir along with his friend Thakur, whose family, unbeknownst to either of them, would one day play a pivotal role in saving Mordis from the Eagles of the Ocean.

Somewhere in a secret place, far beyond the peering eyes of all living things, nineteen hooded figures huddle around a fire. A twentieth figure joins them. Dressed in an old grey cloak, white shoulder length hair and a grey beard that was in disarray. The hooded figures part to let the old man through. The newcomer walks slowly with the aid of a walking staff, each step threatening to give his knees away under the weight. "It is good to see you all here once again, friends. Let us start shall we?" Heebi Jeebis the Grey whispers.

And far beyond the forests and the mountains of Middle Earth, far beneath the deepest depths of the oceans, a dark power awakens...

THE END

presidential vows: a dialogue

Now that 2012 is almost over and a new year lurks around the corners, people have started to make up new year resolutions they will never fulfill. Not to mention, the presidential elections next year and the revolutionary warfare launched by the opposition. So while politicians have started making their promises and vows to please the masses, I had a little chat with an acquaintance of mine who has a newly vested interested in politics: I present to you Shampire.

Me: Hello again my dear friend.
Shampire: May peace be with you and you are not my friend.
Me: Good to see you're doing well.
Shampire: So why did you drag me into this hideous excuse of a place you call a home?
Me: A man's home is his castle, they say.
Shampire: They are wrong. And you suck.
Me: Moving on. I hear you're interested in politics?
Shampire: You know what they say: if you want to get something done right...
Me: ...you got to do it on your own.
Shampire: No, you fool! You bribe and fool people to make them do your dirty work.
Me: ........
Shampire: Wipe that annoying look off of your face.
Me: But that's so wrong.
Shampire: Have we not met?
Me: I rest my case... So you want to become the President?
Shampire: Of course not, silly boy! I want eternal salvation and everything that comes with it. Presidency is just the means to spread my message.
Me: This message you speak of...how do you plan on getting elected?
Shampire: What kind of a question is that? By killing the incumbent of course!
Me: No no! You have to get elected by a vote.
Shampire: What? That's the infidels' way. Why can't we just have a duel and let the winner have the spoils?
Me: Because, this is the 21st century and because the people decide now.
Shampire: You and your nonsense ways! So what do I do to win this vote you speak of?
Me: You campaign and you make promises and such so that the people will vote for the best candidate.
Shampire: You are saying that I just make up cock and bull stories for people to believe?
Me: Not really. You  have to deliver on your promises and...Oh forget it. Yes that's what you do.
Shampire: That sounds very doable. Better than a duel I say.
Me: Of course! Who else can lie better than you?
Shampire: What was that?
Me: Nothing.
Shampire: So how do I deliver my promises to the people?
Me: Advertise, speeches, put it on the web. Here are the vows I made if I were to become the President.
Shampire: VAAV THAA FAAF???!! That list of trash is your vows?
Me: I wouldn't call it trash... And vaav thaa faaf? Please translate.
Shampire: Ya Allah! Haaza al-rajl jaahil al akbar! It means WTF, and I call it as I see it. Yours is a recipe for disaster and a one-way ticket to Hell!
Me: Excuse me?
Shampire: Just look at this. You even promised to torture men who lay with young girls. Torture!
Me: That's because rapists and pedophiles deserve it. I wish I could torture them till death and bring them back to life.
Shampire: You have indeed lost the righteous path, my son. It is Satan's fault that men are that way.
Me: Are you suggesting that they roam free?
Shampire: I am saying that it is Satan's fault and YOUR infidel Constitution says an innocent man cannot be prosecuted.
Me: Alright. Tell me what you promise the people of Maldives.
Shampire: I will run as the candidate of Adhaalath Party. They seem to have the best sense among you idiots and they will embrace me as their messiah.
Me: You got that right. They are a bunch of hot-headed pansy girls.
Shampire: How dare you compare God's chosen to such low creatures!
Me: You are charming.
Shampire: Eh?
Me: Since we are comparing genders, how do you plan to tackle equal opportunity?
Shampire: First and foremost, I will enforce equal opportunity.
Me: Wow! I am impressed. Never knew you were the type to conform to such things.
Shampire: I know! Since all females regardless of age have to wear veil under my rule, I am going to open the opportunity for all males to wear the veil as well. See? I am beating the infidels at their own game!
Me: Quite clever, I must say. What will your policies be on the education system?
Shampire: I will integrate animal husbandry into the education system. Before you open that filthy mouth of yours, I want to alienate Maldives. I will close the country to money from the infidels and only our Muslim brethren can help us. I will...
Me: Sorry to cut you off but I get the feeling that you're suggesting that we start animal farming. Is that your fiscal policy?
Shampire: Yes I am. We are going to herd sheep and goats and cows. Our children, male of course, will learn the hairy arts and will prosper in the coming generations.
Me: That is indeed a hairy subject but I guess we have to come up with some way to sustain ourselves after we oust every investor in the country. So what about taxes?
Shampire: I am not a believer in taxation. I see no reason why a man must pay to live in his own house.
Me: This is good news!
Shampire: But...
Me: There is always a but..
Shampire: I will impose a coitus tax.
Me; A coitus what?!!
Shampire: A coitus tax, you deaf baboon!
Me: Could you please explain?
Shampire: As you know, or God forbid, you should know, fornication is a deadly sin. Therefore the Almighty has paved us the way for women to have sex without eternal damnation.
Me: And?
Shampire: And by allowing a man to marry four women, he is ultimately saving the four females from the fires of Hell. If you ask me, that kind of kindness should be appreciated. What better way to show one's gratitude than by paying a small token of appreciation for their deliverance.
Me: So all in all, you're making the women pay a tax because they get to use the dong of their husbands? Isn't that rather one-sided?
Shampire: It is not one-sided! Anyway, who is running for presidency? Me or you? I am levying the coitus tax because it is the only way for the women to know the cost of deliverance.
Me: You think this dong tax will make women want to marry?
Shampire: Think of it this way. If they do not marry and fornicate, I can flog and stone them in public. Then again I will make marriage mandatory for all women who have come of age.
Me: Speaking of punishments, how will you run the judiciary? Will you uphold the Sharia?
Shampire: Yes I will! I will uphold the Rule of God to the last breath. I have zero tolerance for wrongdoers. Especially sinners. During my presidency, if someone is found guilty of a sin, they will be punished severely in public. No allowances will be given to sex or age.

with Presidents like these, who needs dictators?

Me: But what if it's a young person. I have the perfect scenario. What if a little girl gets raped?
Shampire: You fool! Little girls do not get raped. And yes, she will be flogged severely until she seeks salvation.
Me: But we are talking about rape! As you'd say, fornication without consent!!
Shampire: Consent nonsense! Do I look like I give a, as you humans say, shit? Yes, the girl will be flogged as a lesson and a warning for the rest of the kind.
Me: Then what about the man?
Shampire: See? This is why we cannot get along very well. You always worry about what to do with the man. I think that you have something against men. Were you hurt by a man in your life? Because I see that you are very personal when it comes to these things. You always find a way to hurt men. Ways to punish them. It is very unfair and uncalled for. Not to mention very sexist!
Me: Oh my. And how is that any different from what you are doing, your Holiness?
Shampire: The point is, as I said earlier, Satan is the one to blame. It is not man's fault that he errs. Satan makes man want to commit atrocious sins and the women are the means.
Me: Let us talk about some other subject. Do you have any developmental plans? How will you strengthen the republic?
Shampire: Lord be praised! That is a lot to answer and I am short on time. I am sure you would understand.
Me: Alright then. Good luck in the coming elections though I am not sure if I want you to win.
Shampire: Of course you would not. You are an extremely laadheenee person.
Me: Now that I can understand. Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: May God have mercy on you and for the umpteenth time: I am not your friend! Shampire has no friends! I am off and do not bother me unless to repent. No. Forget that. Do not bother me at all!
Me: Guess I can never have a conversation without pissing him off. Until next time, Adios...

a little blasphemy

Now that GMR is gone and some of us are hell-bent on going back to the days when we ate goat - played goat - slept goat and drank goat, we seem to have provided the breeding grounds for doing things in the name of religion. It is sad that the 'Islamic' tag makes anything and everything acceptable these days, and very profitable as well. The number of holier than thou know-it-alls is on the rise who look at punishment and fear as the only way to spread Islam while casting a blind-eye to the root of all.

Having said that, the post today is not about the exploits of the deeply devout, but on an incident that came up a few weeks back. Before I dive in, Maldives, and by extension, Maldivians have always regarded sex as a taboo topic. It is considered a very, as female teenagers would say it, eww subject. I remember the day I asked my dad about how to fornicate and he just straight up told me kids should not speak about it. In his defence, it may be because I was just 7 at the time and it was the not the perfect topic for father-son bonding. But still...it's just a snapshot of our culture when it comes to sex: it's our dirty little secret; the perfect setting for pedophiles, molesters, and rapists..

A few weeks back, the whole country was shocked when an 11-year old prematurely gave birth at 7 months. There was public outcry that such a little girl was so naughty as to have sex at such a tender age, let alone, give birth. She deserved what she got, people said. The duly devout went on public forums saying that little girls won't give birth. I have a message for the so called sheikh. Yeah, little girls won't give birth. However, little girls won't want to get pregnant either, and devouring a penis is the last thing on their mind. And the hardcore Islamic 'evangelists' called for her to be flogged for her sin. Screw that! Everyone called for her to be flogged.

What most of the delusional people at this country failed to even think about is how in the Seven Heavens' name does an 11-year old get pregnant? They forgot one very important piece of the equation:

if you didn't get it, it's a penis. a friggin' penis!

Yeah, no one bothered to inquire as to how the little girl ended up with a babe in her belly. Unless she's the reincarnation of Virgin Mary, I am pretty sure it took two to tango in this dance. What's even sadder is that none of the so called advocates and champions of human rights and such had the cojones to mutter a word on the issue. The United Nations, UNICEF, the Human Rights Commission of the Maldives, Advocating the Rights of Children, and many other agencies failed or rather chose to stay silent on the issue. Then again, I don't blame the silence of most of them when considering the debacles of the pious every time someone questions the logic of such things. Faith, after all, is blind.

A small lining in the silver cloud came when DNA evidence surfaced and follow-up investigations show that she was indeed raped and did not get jiggy with a man on her own accord as the majority of the nation first perceived. So all in all, we have an 11-year old who is a victim of a man who was a family friend. Not to mention the allegations that her uncle had molested her as well. But even up to today, very few have openly condemned this incident. And even more more so, fewer have condemned the silence of the relevant authorities and agencies.

In the end, we are left with an 11-year old whose life is over before it has even begun. She is already labelled a slut and a sinner, and thanks to our very able media, the whole of Addu Shitty (pun intended) knows her by now.

So here is a big fuck you to the two sick sons of bitches who raped the little girl, and an even bigger fuck you to all the authorities that stayed silent on this issue. Last but not least, here is a fuck you to the former Minister of Gender, Human Rights, and Family who did nothing noteworthy during this fiasco, but got her bra in a knot when her husband was arrested by the Police for being drunk. I hope you all rot in hell with hot barbed rods up every hole in your body! And please don't get me started on the family. Her own mother stayed silent through the whole ordeal even after the girl told her mother about the abuse. I hope your uterus bleeds out along with your innards and you never give birth again!

exhibit A: barbed rod 2020

Until next time. Adios...

shampire diaries

Here ye here ye! Men and Women of all shapes and sizes. Please gather around for I have a story to tell ye: Tonight I continue my escapades with our good friend Shamp the shampire. If you don't know him/her/it already, please feel free to read part 1, part 2, and part 3. He's dead you ask? Apparantly he is not so dead after all. Let us see what our not-so-dead friend has to say...

caption deleted for fear of mortal damage to the writer

Me: *stares at Shampire*
Shampire: Staring is rude. Didn't your mother teach you any manners boy?
Me: *continues to stare at Shampire*
Shampire: From where I come from we say 'hello'
Me: Nether realm? Hello.
Shampire: That's better. Wait... what?
Me: Nevermind that. Why or rather, how are you here? Am I dreaming? You were dead. I even wrote a small prayer on your tombstone.
Shampire: So it was you who wrote that worthless piece of shit huh?
Me: Hey, Snowhite called. She's missing one of her dwarfs.
Shampire: What? err... What? You continue to speak in riddles human.
Me: You were angry about the writing on your tombstone and you're always angry. Hence Grumpy.
Shampire: What? Really.. what?
Me: Sheesh man! Grumpy the dwarf from Snowhite and the seven dwarfs.
Shampire: LAAM VAAV LAAM! good one. Sorry it took me a while to get the joke.
Me: Pffft! It's not a joke anymore after I explained the whole thing to you. You really don't get sarcasm at all. Anyways.. tell me, what happened? I was at your funeral. Though between you and me, there was no one else. You don't have any friends?
Shampire: You stupid excuse for a human. What don't you understand about the word 'undead'?
Me: Aaaah. So you DO have the undeadness of a real vampire.
Shampire: Pffft! Vampire my holy butt! Not the vampires you see these days. It's a shame to be even associated with the kind. The humans have stopped fearing us due to the mainstreamness of today's vampires.
Me: Yes your holiness. You get vampires like Dracula and shit back in the day and today we have Edward.. *shudders*
Shampire: SEEN MEEM HAA
Me: Eh?
Shampire: Oh yes. You don't understand Al Lugath Al Arabiyya or language of the Shampires. It means "Shakes My Head" in the common tongue.
Me: Aaaah I see. I'm right there with you. Anyway, so you were raised from the dead?
Shampire: Well, I was deadish. But then I went to the underworld and met Hades and yes, he is true. But you'll never guess what I found out when I died-ish.
Me: Tell me!
Shampire: Remember the whole 72 virgins I was preaching?
Me: How could I forget. I asked to bed your daughter.
Shampire: Yes you did! So apparantly the 72 virgins aren't really the whole story.
Me: You don't say...
Shampire: Yes I do say. Wait.. was that sarcasm?
Me: Yes it was. There is still hope for you.
Shampire: Foolish human! I need no hope. You do!
Me: Ok here we go again. So you met Hades sans the 72 virgins. What happened next?
Shampire: Well, it seems we have been fooled by this whole 72 virgins old wives' tale. One can't just kill a bunch of innocents and expect to bed 72 beautiful hotties.
Me: You don't say...
Shampire: Bill Lawrence called! He wants his idea of repeating the same jokes back.
Me: Ouch! You're learning fast. And how in the hell did you find out about Scrubs?
Shampire: Just like you said: in hell. Part of the eternal damnation was watching re-runs of hipster movies and good shows that went mainstream.
Me: Does that mean you had to watch Tw...
Shampire: STOP! Don't you utter the name!!
Me: That bad huh?
Shampire: I made it only halfway through the opening credits of that which must not be named and pleaded with Hades to send me back for a second chance.
Me: Aaah.. that makes sense now.
Shampire: It does? But you don't believe in those things and it's incomprehensible for humans.
Me: I must admit, having known you for a while, I get a feel for what you say.
Shampire: Alright. So tell me something you miserable human.
Me: Such love... I'm touched.
Shampire: What the hell is wrong with your kind?
Me: My kind? Humans?
Shampire:No! Not humans. Well, technically humans, but I meant your kin. The people from your country!
Me: You should have asked what was right with them. Would've saved a lot of time and ones and zeroes.
Shampire: Ones and zeroes?
Me: Yes. I have to type this whole thing and it's being processed as binaries in machine code in terms of ones and zeroes by our computers.
Shampire: Show off! You could have just said so instead of acting spooky and mysterious.
Me: Hey! I didn't say anything when you had your stick of karma, almost died, died and returned.
Shampire: Save your whining for someone else human.
Me: Alright :-(
Shampire: So about your people. What is happening to them?
Me: Once again, you gotta be specific bro.
Shampire: Don't you bro me you insiginificant being!
Me: LOL! Sorry... I just thought of a possible euphemism if your last sentence was said by an Asian.
Shampire: You are indeed lost my son. And quite racist too!
Me: Apparantly I am.
Shampire: So your people, why is it that a person can sing his or her way to riches and fame, and then suddenly quit singing and become a cleric?
Me: That's quite a mouthful.
Shampire: There's more! Your people even believe them above the real Shampires! It's a shame!
Me: Shame would be one of the adjectives I would use.
Shampire: In all seriousness, how could one be so dumb and naive to believe some holier than thou singer cum religous scholar?
Me: I wonder the same thing your highness.
Shampire: Trust me, I am all for the harsh and extremist views that I vowed to promote... but it took me all my life to acquire Shamphood and take my vows. These lowly peasants are doing it over night.
Me: Come again... shamphood?
Shampire: No. Shamphood. With a capital 'S'.
Me: Ok. Shamphood it is. What's that?
Shampire: It's the rigorous training and rituals all Shampire-recruits have to go through.
Me: Let me ask. What do you call when a Shampire goes to number two?
Shampire: What are you getting at?
Me: Shampoo! Oh wait. Now I won't look at my shampoo bottle the same way again.
Shampire: HA! Let that be a lesson for you. I must be off now.
Me: Wait... Will I see you again?
Shampire: Only fate will tell. I'd like to pull a page out of the movie 'Dear John' and say "see you soon then?"
Me: You saw that movie?
Shampire: I can stand that movie but when it came to the movie that must remain unnamed..
Me: Which movie of the Twilight saga?
Shampire: That does it! Good Bye you bastard son of a wretched gutless monkey!
Me: Hey wait.. come back.. come on.. woeful-and-angry-as-a-motherless-goat much? oh well.. he's left. Such a grumpy yet lively fellow. I don't know when I will see him again, but I am sure he will amaze me with his stories when we meet again. Until next time, Adios...

award night

I'm back after a short hiatus.. well, not really a hiatus, but you get the idea.. Anyways, I present to you, my fellow and unfellow readers, AWARD NIGHT 2011!! Unlike a certain award show from few weeks ago where half the words out of the presenters' mouth were about some lotion, this award is the shit! We will look at all aspects of Maldives and give due credit where credit is due, whether it be good, bad, or both. And without further ado, let me get on with the awards...

Oscars: eat your heart out. you aren't the only people who can use cool statues



1. The Vampire Award:

This award is presented to the group or person who has done the most humane job of sucking the cash out of unsuspecting customers. And the award goes to.... Dhiraagu! That's right. You maybe out of reach but you're never out of touch. The touch of the money-sucking Edwardish company that's Dhiraagu.

the logo needs to be changed to a clenched fist to shove up the customers' asses

They have charged us for services that in other countries are given for free. Not to mention all the scams and what not.

2. The In-Your-Face Award:

This award goes to the individual or group of individuals that dedicated its time and resources to the dissatisfaction of humanity through incomprehensible schemes, names, and the shittiest service. They listen to the customers' needs and do the exact opposite. And the winner of the award is.... It's a tie! Can you believe that? (mainly because I am too lazy to invent another award). The first recipient of the award is..... Bank of Maldives!

Don't let the name fool you. It's not of Maldives at all

Through the years, Bank of Maldives or BML for short (between you and I, I think BML stands for Big Money Leech) has been one giant dick! What pisses me off the most about BML is that the wretched workers have the nerve to lie to my face. I once told this 'sweet' looking girl at the counter that I could withdraw money from my own account without a check at other banks and she told me in her sweet and seductive voice (though not working on me cos of my rage) that there was no bank that would allow that. I replied that my bank for the past 4 years allowed me to do that. I am no Sheldon Cooper but that must have been a bazinga for the girl cos she told me to speak to her manager and exercised her Miranda Rights.

And now, the second winner of the In-Your-Face Award: Maldivian!

If you haven't flown on Maldivian, then you're lucky. Maldivian stands testament to the saying that beauty is only skin deep no matter how many times you repaint, rename, and rebrand your services.

If flying was any simpler, we would have wings.

Maldivian, much like its kissing cousin BML uses 'Maldives' as its brand name and screws everyone sideways with a bread knife. And here is the kicker: They charge double the fare for a foreigner. How shitty is that? I was abroad for 4 years and got all the discounts and cheap fares as a regular US citizen. I know that tourism contributes to a huge chunk of the nation's economy but come on. They are people for God's sake and they work (harder than most of us) for a living. So it is really unfair on our part. Not to mention the outrageous fares for us as well. It is cheaper to go to freaking Sri Lanka than to go to Addu Shitty. People!! Sri Lanka is another country. Maldivian my ass you gigantic cash-devouring pigs!

3. The Benedict Arnold Award:

For those of you that don't know, Benedict Arnold was an American General during the Revolutionary War and defected to the British and plotted to surrender the very fort he swore to defend. So yeah, he was a VERY bad guy and loathed by all Americans. And thus this award is given to the person who has shown beyond inconceivable doubt that he is a traitor. And without further waiting, I present the winner of this precarious award: Ali Waheed aka Boom Waheed aka Ballack aka the-biggest-act-of-swallowing-your-own-junk!

He puts Judas, Saruman, and Brutus to shame

His story is there for all to see so I'm gonna save up on space and time. But he does have the bragging rights as the only person to hug two Presidents. Con-freaking-Gratulations you whore.

Legend has it that Maumoon said "Et tu Waheed?" when he saw this live on MNB Cone

4. The Holy Trinity Award:

We live in a conservative society that looks to hide things or accept things as far as the 'religous' or 'Islamic' tag is attached to it. This has allowed individuals to take advantage of unsuspecting people and use them for their personal pleasures and needs. As the name suggests, the Holy Trinity Award is given to the individual who has manipulated religion for his personal gains. This award had the most contenders and once again, we have a tie.

The first winner of the Holy Trinity Award is.... Saint Fareed!

I used to look up to Fareed as a person and listen to what he said, but his tune changed after a while and he started to preach his personal beliefs. Some of you may think that I am being a non-Muslim by saying calling him a Saint, but I do know a thing or two about religion. Some of the bullshit that St. Fareed has preached borders on idiocy and idiolatry.

Certificate in Incantation? How about Certificate in Personal Grooming? Douche!

Alright. now time for the second winner of the Holy Trinity Award... Sheikh Hussain Rasheed. Some of you may not know him like I do, some of you may do. After belittling the previous government of using religion as a shield, this God forsaken piece of shit of a human created a political party.

Lial liar beards on fire!

He wouldn't have won the word if that was the only thing he did. Furthermore, he was a Quran teacher for children and 'teach' he did. Yeah, I have no proof of anything but God knows what he did and he knows what he did to the girls who went to him to learn Quran. And the son of a bitch has no self dignity whatsoever to go on public forums preaching about Islam. I'd beat the shit out of you and feed you your own pubes if I get the chance!

5. The Reject Award:

Have you ever been rejected by someone? Whether it's a girl, boy, or you were the last person everyone picked for their team? I thought so. So you know the feeling. Now imagine how you would feel when the majority of the Parliament rejects you. Alright, maybe it's cos the Parliament was mainly opposition members. But to have your once-friends reject you during the next Presidency is a tad bit too much. No? Ok, you got a point. It's still the opposition. But imagine this: you receive some 'big' title from an Israeli lobbyist and try to enter a foreign country aka Iran. Surprise surprise! Rejected! By now you know who you are imagining to be. If not, I present to you the winner of the Reject Award.. Dr. Shaheed.

The All-American Rejects called: they want their title back!

I have nothing against him but the fact that he got rejected by two governments on the opposite ends of the political spectrum, and a foreign country says something. Maybe the line "it's not you, it's me" is true for this case.

6. The Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award:

Last and the very least, we have the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award. This award is given to the individual or group of individuals who have failed after multiple attempts. And the winner is... NO, it's not Maldivian. Though it was a close call along with Maldivian football which is still in the same shitty state it was in during the past 20 years. And here's why: we won the silver medal back in the 80s and we won the competition a millenium later! Going back to the subject, the winner of the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award is... Dhivehi Film Industry aka Mollywood!

The only 'wood' related facet from the lot of you is when some of your females wear skimpy clothes

Dhivehi movie industry was a lost cause to begin with and people have been using it as a platform for careers as politicians and you can see the results today. I did a little digging and my sources, on conditions of complete anonymity, confided in me that dhivehi movie stars have the ability to cry on cue and the ability to be highly obnoxious without even trying. The source who shall remain unnamed also stated that the said abilities was a deal maker with the Maldivian people who vote them to office in the first place!

against discrimination

image courtesy of http://www.fivewaysshiatsu.co.uk/

It's been a while since I have posted anything and wanted to come back with a BANG this time... (pause for apllause) Thank you... So it seems things have been quite crazy in the crowdiest, most dangerous, craziest, shitiest, most.. err okay, enough with the supelatives.. (pause for mild laughter) capital of the world aka Male'.

The latest news on my mind is the issue of the Israelis in our beloved country. Sure, we have no place for the star of David on our national colors and neither do we want to ally with the scum of the Earth that are jews... (pause for cheer) but, I must say, seriously people? You got nothing better to do than get out of your houses and protest in the streets just because some Jews are in the country? (let the news sink in)

Go ahead, hate me for what I am about to say.. curse me.. well, not literally.. I'm too young to die yet.. need to do certain things before I pass away (knock on wood)

Sorry, I got carried away there. Getting back on track, the Israelis are here! Their doctors are operating on our people because we lack the most essential of health care. Not to mention they do have their own agendas as well; such as gathering intelligence on our country, promoting their values, and gaining symapthy for their cause. I'm probably confusing you right now, aren't I? (audience nods in agreement)

HORSE SHIT!! I'm not advocating them being in the Maldives any more than I advocate our government officials running the country, but hey.. it is out of my control. (quick smile at the audience)

The presence of the Israeli (these people are a cause for trouble. I'm having a hard time with the spelling itself. Imagine how the people would be!) doctors did not bother be much just because they are Jews. Two things bothered me;

1. There are Islamic countries who have good doctors (to be fair, any country has better health care systems than us) but I do not see their teams of doctors coming into the country to help our folks. All I see are people who come to give sermons and promote the religion. Dude, we need REAL aid to this country from you people. The Israeli team does have their own agendas for coming to this country, but even so, they have the stone-clad balls to come here, a 100% Muslim country, and do their thing in the name of medicine. Why cannot the Muslim countries provide the same health even with their own agendas. It is not much with all the oil they are drilling from the earth each day.

2. The haste with which we (*sniff* I have to include myself as well) judge others are simply.. what is a good word to decribe.. (keep the audience guessing).. aaah yes, preposterous! We do not have the right to judge anyone else. Who am I, or you, to decide how someone else is? (for the sake of argument, I can judge you all for who you are in this post)

There, that is my beef with all the protesters from the weekend. Stop stereotyping! Have you forgotten the new born baby who was thrown away at Hulhumale? Did the Israelis make the mother do that? What about all the freaking deaths caused by stabbing? Are the Israelis responsible for that? HELL NO! It is the good for nothing Maldivians who did all that! Furthermore, they cannot be convicted because of lack of evidence. AAAAARRRRGHH!! If I stab someone in front of everyone, what more evidence do you need? Well, in my case, you will not need because I am expendible (wait for a sympathetic 'awwww' from the audience)

The acts from the weekend does nothing but diminish our place in the world. Do not get me wrong, I am not happpy with the idea of establishing diplomatic ties with Israel. The reason for that is far beyond my scope of reach, but why don't the Islamic organizations and teams in the Maldives establish better ties with the Islamic countries. The same goes to the government and the President. This is a cause for major concern (temporary interruption: *salute* Major Concern) We need to make sure that the aid from the Islamic countries are not limited to providing an hour long speech about religion but rather that it provides more physical aid.

This part of the post is for our good-for-nothing opposition politicians. The only reason you created a fuss about the whole thing is to oppose the government. If you are all so keen to protect the religion as you claim, you would have done a better job with all the bills and everything that goes in your circus.. oops I meant to say the parliament. (pause for laughter) So, you are not any better than the Israelis who are here. Atleast they have the chocolate-covered-titanium balls (girls love it and guys cannot crush it) to show up with their hidden agendas.

Anyway, I think I have rambled enough for tonight. I would like to leave you with two things. First, we can marry a Jewish woman. If they are such a bad people, would our religion allow it? Secondly, look at the hand on the top of this article. The fingers are of different colors and are of different length. Does the red pinky make the hand any less of a hand? Does the yellow thumb hinder its grip? (wait for the audience to disagree) Exactly! We have to judge the hand for what it can do regardless of what it looks like or the length of its fingers. Likewise, regardless of whether a person is a Muslim, Jew, Christian, Hindu, or any of the other hundred or so religions in the world, what matters is whether the person is a good human. The rest of the judgement is up to God. And FYI, the pinky is yellow and the thumb is red. I was testing your attentiveness. Adios... (standing ovation)

harney

Harney's image courtesy of Google and err Barney(?)

Harney is a fanatic from our imagination,

And when he's horny,

He looks to young girls for fornication.

Harney's friends have concubines,

And stink from lots of places.

After work they meet to pray,

And preach with gloomy faces.

Harney shows us lots of things,

Like how to fool others,

Suicides and promises,

And how to be a threat.

Harney comes to threaten us,

Even if we don't need him.

Harney can be your enemy too,

If you don't make-believe him.

hypocrisy of men: religion

Closeup of the Saudi flag courtesy of Google

Look around us today and compare it to the Maldives of the past. Sure, you could see more cleavages 10 years ago. Someone who wore a veil was a rarity. Today someone who does not is a minority. So, one can argue that we are more religious. Or are we? Females wear veil but they also wear tight fitting clothes that will show every curve in their body. I am not complaining about seeing it, but this defeat the sole purpose of wearing a veil to cover your body. There are people who wear veil and yet wear skirts that are cut high enough to see their under garments. Once again, it's an arousing sight, but it begs the question of our religious values.

Speaking of values, it brings us to marriages. There are people who believe that young girls should marry. I'll be honest. If everything is said and done on the girl's will, then it's fine. But we can't go and preach saying you should marry at a young age. It leads to nothing but an increase in the divorce rate. Yeah it is better than two unmarried people fornicating. But it doesn't mean marrying young is the solution. There is no way a girl's body is physically ready to give birth or her mind to be mature enough to take care of a family at such a young age, especially when the husband is twice her age. Many people ask about our Prophet (PBUH). But let me say one thing. It was a different time. Those were times when women didn't have any place in society (I am being bluntly honest here). They had no education and no careers as compared to the women of today. Today, the women can look after themselves. They are independent and some even provide for the men. So times are going to change and we have to adapt to it but holding onto our core values.

Most people I know will not think twice knowing a non-Muslim died. Why is that? Being a non-Muslim doesn't make them a bad person. Like the time when Diana died, my Quran teacher told me she would go to hell and that she was an infidel. Who are we to decide where she will go after she dies? The fact is, regardless of her religious beliefs, she was a kind person. I have Muslim friends who are worse human beings than my non-Muslim friends. A person may believe what he wants to believe. It says so in the Quran that no one will be forced in religion. But once you choose Islam, then you are obligated to fulfill the duties and prayers. There are Muslims who kill other Muslims in the name of Jihad. There are Muslims who abuse their wives, rape their children and still call themselves Muslims. I would rather spit on their bodies than mourn for their death. What about all the killings in our society today? If one were to look at it through a critical lens, it would behoove one to superimpose this image on any other part of the western world. The only thing that classifies us as Muslims is our national identity. During the times of Ibrahim (A.S), he invited a non-Muslim over to dinner and the guy bows down to the fire (he worshiped fire). Ibrahim (A.S) got pretty darn angry and showed him to the door. And Allah told Ibrahim (A.S) that Allah dealt with all the shirk he committed his whole life but Ibrahim (A.S) couldn't withstand it even for a minute part of a night. He goes onto fetch the old man. He told the old man that Ibrahim (A.S) himself could have committed a worse sin in the eyes of Allah compared to the sin committed by the old man. So, as I said, who are we to judge others?

We have within us many laws that govern Islam. But how many times did they ever come to defend the victim. The ever increasing cases of child abuse and rape are just ignored. The girl who was raped by four maniacs was the guilty person. Why? Because she did not ask them to stop. Imagine there are four fucking guys holding you and trying to do God-knows-what to you. Will you really be begging them or will you just be hoping they would let you live? Likewise, what about the case of the concubine? The Islamic Ministry was quick to call it a lie. Why in the world did they have to do that? Shouldn't they try to find out the truth? The doctors' reports are there. The wife of our horny bastard agrees to the deed and yet, our religious scholars deny it. What about the husband who abuses his wife? Or rapes her? Yes I said rape. Marriage doesn't mean you can force the woman to have sex. It means you are bound together till death do you part. It says in the Quran (I paraphrase) that men are made as a clothing upon women and that women are made as a clothing upon men. In my opinion, the laws of men are made for their needs and to oppress any opposition. One can argue that it is the woman’s duty to fulfill the desire of the man. Well, there is a saying that if the woman turns away from the needs of her husband, angels will pray woe unto her. Is it the same case if the man is a self proclaimed uncaring asshole? I think not. The woman may have a reason she turns herself away from the man. Likewise, it doesn’t give the man any right to treat his woman like shit either. This is one area, where the laws of men completely fucked up.

The consensus among some of us is that suicide is a mean to Jihad. Since when was suicide allowed in Islam? You can have Al-Usthaaz, Ah-Shaih, Ah-Jaahil to your name and it still wouldn't change the fact that suicide is just wrong. Going to war knowing that you will die is different from going and killing yourself. And not distinguishing women and children is wrong. The Prophet (PBUH) once got very angry when (I think it was a kid) was killed in a battle. So who are we today to go and preach and brainwash innocent kids into killing themselves. And you call yourselves Muslims?

Forgiveness: Islam is supposed to be the religion of peace and harmony. But you put one toe out of line, and your ass will go to the gallows. Not really gallows, but you get the idea. We make one mistake and that person will make us rue our very existence. There is a saying that Allah loves those who repent and those who are clean. I take that means, even if we do something bad, it shouldn't hang over our heads like a mistletoe for the rest of our lives. Don't mistake it for letting pedophiles, rapists, and murderers walk free.

Life after death: I have always talked about the 72 virgins in a lot of my posts. Here is why I say so. Why is that every time they talk of paradise they bring up that topic? Like the lecture given by Sheikh Ilyas the other night, he constantly went on and on about that topic. For me, it seems like using, well for lack of a better word, sex to promote religion. What about all the other things people need? Why not the 72 virgins for the women? I have read many answers given by scholars for this question but I think it's unfair as far as our sisters our concerned.

Questioning our beliefs: We are groomed and brought up to believe that questioning our beliefs is a breach of our fidelity. How come? If we have an honest question about our religion shouldn’t we be able to ask? It would only make things clearer to us. Instead, our parents and teachers alike tell us to watch our mouth and we are left to ignorance. Same can be seen in the case of sex related issues. If a kid asks about something sexual he/she would be scolded and at a time when some adult abuses the kid, he/she will be too afraid to talk about it because for them sex is something dirty and disgusting and they don’t want to be associated to sex even if their father’s good friend abuses them on a daily basis.

Finally, I am not a Saint. I have done bad things too and I regret committing those sins. It's not up to you to judge me nor to punish me. I leave that in thy hands, Allah. Adios...