award night

I'm back after a short hiatus.. well, not really a hiatus, but you get the idea.. Anyways, I present to you, my fellow and unfellow readers, AWARD NIGHT 2011!! Unlike a certain award show from few weeks ago where half the words out of the presenters' mouth were about some lotion, this award is the shit! We will look at all aspects of Maldives and give due credit where credit is due, whether it be good, bad, or both. And without further ado, let me get on with the awards...

Oscars: eat your heart out. you aren't the only people who can use cool statues



1. The Vampire Award:

This award is presented to the group or person who has done the most humane job of sucking the cash out of unsuspecting customers. And the award goes to.... Dhiraagu! That's right. You maybe out of reach but you're never out of touch. The touch of the money-sucking Edwardish company that's Dhiraagu.

the logo needs to be changed to a clenched fist to shove up the customers' asses

They have charged us for services that in other countries are given for free. Not to mention all the scams and what not.

2. The In-Your-Face Award:

This award goes to the individual or group of individuals that dedicated its time and resources to the dissatisfaction of humanity through incomprehensible schemes, names, and the shittiest service. They listen to the customers' needs and do the exact opposite. And the winner of the award is.... It's a tie! Can you believe that? (mainly because I am too lazy to invent another award). The first recipient of the award is..... Bank of Maldives!

Don't let the name fool you. It's not of Maldives at all

Through the years, Bank of Maldives or BML for short (between you and I, I think BML stands for Big Money Leech) has been one giant dick! What pisses me off the most about BML is that the wretched workers have the nerve to lie to my face. I once told this 'sweet' looking girl at the counter that I could withdraw money from my own account without a check at other banks and she told me in her sweet and seductive voice (though not working on me cos of my rage) that there was no bank that would allow that. I replied that my bank for the past 4 years allowed me to do that. I am no Sheldon Cooper but that must have been a bazinga for the girl cos she told me to speak to her manager and exercised her Miranda Rights.

And now, the second winner of the In-Your-Face Award: Maldivian!

If you haven't flown on Maldivian, then you're lucky. Maldivian stands testament to the saying that beauty is only skin deep no matter how many times you repaint, rename, and rebrand your services.

If flying was any simpler, we would have wings.

Maldivian, much like its kissing cousin BML uses 'Maldives' as its brand name and screws everyone sideways with a bread knife. And here is the kicker: They charge double the fare for a foreigner. How shitty is that? I was abroad for 4 years and got all the discounts and cheap fares as a regular US citizen. I know that tourism contributes to a huge chunk of the nation's economy but come on. They are people for God's sake and they work (harder than most of us) for a living. So it is really unfair on our part. Not to mention the outrageous fares for us as well. It is cheaper to go to freaking Sri Lanka than to go to Addu Shitty. People!! Sri Lanka is another country. Maldivian my ass you gigantic cash-devouring pigs!

3. The Benedict Arnold Award:

For those of you that don't know, Benedict Arnold was an American General during the Revolutionary War and defected to the British and plotted to surrender the very fort he swore to defend. So yeah, he was a VERY bad guy and loathed by all Americans. And thus this award is given to the person who has shown beyond inconceivable doubt that he is a traitor. And without further waiting, I present the winner of this precarious award: Ali Waheed aka Boom Waheed aka Ballack aka the-biggest-act-of-swallowing-your-own-junk!

He puts Judas, Saruman, and Brutus to shame

His story is there for all to see so I'm gonna save up on space and time. But he does have the bragging rights as the only person to hug two Presidents. Con-freaking-Gratulations you whore.

Legend has it that Maumoon said "Et tu Waheed?" when he saw this live on MNB Cone

4. The Holy Trinity Award:

We live in a conservative society that looks to hide things or accept things as far as the 'religous' or 'Islamic' tag is attached to it. This has allowed individuals to take advantage of unsuspecting people and use them for their personal pleasures and needs. As the name suggests, the Holy Trinity Award is given to the individual who has manipulated religion for his personal gains. This award had the most contenders and once again, we have a tie.

The first winner of the Holy Trinity Award is.... Saint Fareed!

I used to look up to Fareed as a person and listen to what he said, but his tune changed after a while and he started to preach his personal beliefs. Some of you may think that I am being a non-Muslim by saying calling him a Saint, but I do know a thing or two about religion. Some of the bullshit that St. Fareed has preached borders on idiocy and idiolatry.

Certificate in Incantation? How about Certificate in Personal Grooming? Douche!

Alright. now time for the second winner of the Holy Trinity Award... Sheikh Hussain Rasheed. Some of you may not know him like I do, some of you may do. After belittling the previous government of using religion as a shield, this God forsaken piece of shit of a human created a political party.

Lial liar beards on fire!

He wouldn't have won the word if that was the only thing he did. Furthermore, he was a Quran teacher for children and 'teach' he did. Yeah, I have no proof of anything but God knows what he did and he knows what he did to the girls who went to him to learn Quran. And the son of a bitch has no self dignity whatsoever to go on public forums preaching about Islam. I'd beat the shit out of you and feed you your own pubes if I get the chance!

5. The Reject Award:

Have you ever been rejected by someone? Whether it's a girl, boy, or you were the last person everyone picked for their team? I thought so. So you know the feeling. Now imagine how you would feel when the majority of the Parliament rejects you. Alright, maybe it's cos the Parliament was mainly opposition members. But to have your once-friends reject you during the next Presidency is a tad bit too much. No? Ok, you got a point. It's still the opposition. But imagine this: you receive some 'big' title from an Israeli lobbyist and try to enter a foreign country aka Iran. Surprise surprise! Rejected! By now you know who you are imagining to be. If not, I present to you the winner of the Reject Award.. Dr. Shaheed.

The All-American Rejects called: they want their title back!

I have nothing against him but the fact that he got rejected by two governments on the opposite ends of the political spectrum, and a foreign country says something. Maybe the line "it's not you, it's me" is true for this case.

6. The Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award:

Last and the very least, we have the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award. This award is given to the individual or group of individuals who have failed after multiple attempts. And the winner is... NO, it's not Maldivian. Though it was a close call along with Maldivian football which is still in the same shitty state it was in during the past 20 years. And here's why: we won the silver medal back in the 80s and we won the competition a millenium later! Going back to the subject, the winner of the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award is... Dhivehi Film Industry aka Mollywood!

The only 'wood' related facet from the lot of you is when some of your females wear skimpy clothes

Dhivehi movie industry was a lost cause to begin with and people have been using it as a platform for careers as politicians and you can see the results today. I did a little digging and my sources, on conditions of complete anonymity, confided in me that dhivehi movie stars have the ability to cry on cue and the ability to be highly obnoxious without even trying. The source who shall remain unnamed also stated that the said abilities was a deal maker with the Maldivian people who vote them to office in the first place!

a picture is worth a thousand and one words

 

 

alice in wonderland: an analogy

I am sure everyone remembers Alice in wonderland from their childhood for one or more reasons. I remember it cos I watched the entire cartoon before Alice wakes up and realizes the whole thing was a dream! Plus the wierd and the illogical characters just make me want to bash their heads together. Sorry there, I didn't mean to sound so violent. Moving on, this time I am trying to do something quite.. well.. you be the judge of it..

1. Wonderland: First and foremost there is wonderland. A place where anything is possible. Everything defies nature's law. Looking at our little Maldives, it brings to mind the promise of a better Maldives or better known as Aneh Dhivehiraajje in the political language. And it has definitely been another Maldives. But unlike the story, our wonderland is one God forsaken shit hole where we are quitely rotting away as a society..

wonderland huh? you've all been fooled!

2. White Rabbit: How could I ever forget the white rabbit who looked as if he had ants crawling up his legs.. White rabbit is one of the mildest character (in my opinion) in the story. All he wants is to get to the queen in time and stay out of trouble. He represents the average worker; always working hard but never appreciated. Always running from place to place in the hope of pleasing an insatiable boss. Our society has become so work centered that the people do not have the time to spend with their own family. Instead we work our Knuts off to make ends meet.

look at him and tell me how you can not sympathize with the poor guy

3. Dodo: This proud marauding excuse of a bird represents the rich people in our society. You people twist and cut every corner to get richer while the poor get shat on.

just look at the SOB! smiling and all..

4. Mad Hatter: Mad Hatter is one confusing son of a gun! He talks in riddles and always makes a point to show that he is important. Mad Hatter is the personification of the media in our country. The same story is twisted to play with the people's minds. The media claims to be the fourth power of a democracy but has been nothing but a poor facade of immature impersonators thus far.

atleast get a better attire. SUIT UP!

5. Bill the Lizard: Bill is one hard working dude, carrying a ladder with him. He is the go-to guy when you need something done at your house. He is the so called bangaalhee that we see all over the country. We Maldivians are so full of ourselves that we cannot even do the simplest of jobs by ourselves. Shame!

bill bill bill. you work so hard because we are so lazy

6. Caterpillar: This pea sized brain smoking little life form is the exact replica of our parliament. It doesn't remember what it sees and it doesn't know what it's talking about. And least of all, it doesn't even remember the person it has once met. It's multi segmented body and multiple hands show how most, if not all, members of the parliaments are good for nothing crooks who want to fulfill their self interests.

and the bastard has the nerve to look at Alice suspiciously!

7. Cheshire Cat: This smiling felid is one hell of a creature and it is the perfect personification of our judiciary. When Alice asks the tooth-fairy-watched-cat about where to go, the cat says, "If you don't know where you are going, it doesn't matter which path you take." (I am not sure about the exact words, but you get the jist) This is the perfect representation of how we could have a system which allows a pedophile to get away even when the sick bastard agrees to doing the deed! Democratic reform my ass!

I am sorry little child, you did not say 'no' when he was raping you.

8. The Queen of Hearts: She has a thing for head. NO, I mean the kind where she wants to cut it off. Between her and Dexter, I don't know who is the scarier one. The Queen of Hearts represents.... *drum rolls* you love to hate them! it's the one and only IGMH! Yes, just when we thought IGMH could not get any worse, they decided to behead a dead baby! Well done IGMH, well-freaking-done!

if I got a cent for everytime she wanted to cut off someone's head...

9. Flowers: Remember the flowers that Alice runs into at the garden? The ones that sing and seemed mushy lovey dovey and suddenly turns on Alice because she was apparantly a 'weed'? These flowers, my fellow readers, are the next generation of our country. With everyone succumbing to conformity and group think, violence, murder, and stealing have gone off the roofs and they are just running wild on the streets.

look at the spoiled brats!

9. Alice: Aaaaah, Alice. Our innocent little Alice. She has a hard time deciding how much to eat/drink to be the right size. In fact, it's like her size is floating between being a giant and a dwarf. Oh yes! Much like the dollar exchange rate in the country. Enough said.

look at her.. $o innocent.. $o $mall, $o big... and yet.. $o floatable..

That's it for now. Until next time. Adios...

against discrimination

image courtesy of http://www.fivewaysshiatsu.co.uk/

It's been a while since I have posted anything and wanted to come back with a BANG this time... (pause for apllause) Thank you... So it seems things have been quite crazy in the crowdiest, most dangerous, craziest, shitiest, most.. err okay, enough with the supelatives.. (pause for mild laughter) capital of the world aka Male'.

The latest news on my mind is the issue of the Israelis in our beloved country. Sure, we have no place for the star of David on our national colors and neither do we want to ally with the scum of the Earth that are jews... (pause for cheer) but, I must say, seriously people? You got nothing better to do than get out of your houses and protest in the streets just because some Jews are in the country? (let the news sink in)

Go ahead, hate me for what I am about to say.. curse me.. well, not literally.. I'm too young to die yet.. need to do certain things before I pass away (knock on wood)

Sorry, I got carried away there. Getting back on track, the Israelis are here! Their doctors are operating on our people because we lack the most essential of health care. Not to mention they do have their own agendas as well; such as gathering intelligence on our country, promoting their values, and gaining symapthy for their cause. I'm probably confusing you right now, aren't I? (audience nods in agreement)

HORSE SHIT!! I'm not advocating them being in the Maldives any more than I advocate our government officials running the country, but hey.. it is out of my control. (quick smile at the audience)

The presence of the Israeli (these people are a cause for trouble. I'm having a hard time with the spelling itself. Imagine how the people would be!) doctors did not bother be much just because they are Jews. Two things bothered me;

1. There are Islamic countries who have good doctors (to be fair, any country has better health care systems than us) but I do not see their teams of doctors coming into the country to help our folks. All I see are people who come to give sermons and promote the religion. Dude, we need REAL aid to this country from you people. The Israeli team does have their own agendas for coming to this country, but even so, they have the stone-clad balls to come here, a 100% Muslim country, and do their thing in the name of medicine. Why cannot the Muslim countries provide the same health even with their own agendas. It is not much with all the oil they are drilling from the earth each day.

2. The haste with which we (*sniff* I have to include myself as well) judge others are simply.. what is a good word to decribe.. (keep the audience guessing).. aaah yes, preposterous! We do not have the right to judge anyone else. Who am I, or you, to decide how someone else is? (for the sake of argument, I can judge you all for who you are in this post)

There, that is my beef with all the protesters from the weekend. Stop stereotyping! Have you forgotten the new born baby who was thrown away at Hulhumale? Did the Israelis make the mother do that? What about all the freaking deaths caused by stabbing? Are the Israelis responsible for that? HELL NO! It is the good for nothing Maldivians who did all that! Furthermore, they cannot be convicted because of lack of evidence. AAAAARRRRGHH!! If I stab someone in front of everyone, what more evidence do you need? Well, in my case, you will not need because I am expendible (wait for a sympathetic 'awwww' from the audience)

The acts from the weekend does nothing but diminish our place in the world. Do not get me wrong, I am not happpy with the idea of establishing diplomatic ties with Israel. The reason for that is far beyond my scope of reach, but why don't the Islamic organizations and teams in the Maldives establish better ties with the Islamic countries. The same goes to the government and the President. This is a cause for major concern (temporary interruption: *salute* Major Concern) We need to make sure that the aid from the Islamic countries are not limited to providing an hour long speech about religion but rather that it provides more physical aid.

This part of the post is for our good-for-nothing opposition politicians. The only reason you created a fuss about the whole thing is to oppose the government. If you are all so keen to protect the religion as you claim, you would have done a better job with all the bills and everything that goes in your circus.. oops I meant to say the parliament. (pause for laughter) So, you are not any better than the Israelis who are here. Atleast they have the chocolate-covered-titanium balls (girls love it and guys cannot crush it) to show up with their hidden agendas.

Anyway, I think I have rambled enough for tonight. I would like to leave you with two things. First, we can marry a Jewish woman. If they are such a bad people, would our religion allow it? Secondly, look at the hand on the top of this article. The fingers are of different colors and are of different length. Does the red pinky make the hand any less of a hand? Does the yellow thumb hinder its grip? (wait for the audience to disagree) Exactly! We have to judge the hand for what it can do regardless of what it looks like or the length of its fingers. Likewise, regardless of whether a person is a Muslim, Jew, Christian, Hindu, or any of the other hundred or so religions in the world, what matters is whether the person is a good human. The rest of the judgement is up to God. And FYI, the pinky is yellow and the thumb is red. I was testing your attentiveness. Adios... (standing ovation)

the princess and the dragon

image courtesy of http://galefraney.wordpress.com/2008/09/15/princess-and-the-dragon-card/

Long time ago, in a faraway land, there lived a princess. She was the second child of the proud king and queen of the kingdom of Gaisha. They lost their first child, a handsome boy, long time ago and thus, the new baby seemed like their first child again. They named her Kahlan and she was very beautiful. On the day she was born, the whole kingdom was merry with joy and laughter. All the people got off from work early to decorate the entire kingdom in preparation for the birth of their future queen. Old and young alike were dancing and singing on the streets. Flags were raised everywhere and fireworks filled the night sky. The atmosphere was alive, full of happiness… enough to bring back the dead!

Suddenly, the sky went dark. All the fireworks that were going ‘BOOM’ in the sky went quiet. As the people looked around wondering what was going on, a tall man wearing a cloak as dark as night itself walked into the room. But wait, he was not touching the ground! It was as if he was walking on air. He looked around as he made his way, walking in midair, towards the throne where the king and queen sat clutching their daughter tightly. The stranger’s face was blank. It showed no emotion. Once he reached the king he said, “Oh my King.” His voice was loud. Like his face, it had no emotion. “It’s nice to see you so happy with your daughter,” he continued. “My dear King, I want your daughter. I want to raise her so that she will become my queen.” The king got very angry hearing this and yelled, “GUARDS! Arrest this man!”

All the guards in the castle came running towards the man with their swords and lances ready to kill the man who was threatening to take away their princess. But alas, the man just waved his finger and all the guards stopped moving. They were frozen in place as if being held by invisible chains. “HAHAHA,” the man laughed… his first sign of emotion. It was haunting and evil. “I am a wizard and no one can stop me my dear and foolish king.” He looked around as he said this and the people cowered under his cold and evil stare. “Give me what I want and I will not harm anyone… or else!!” His voice boomed through the whole castle. At these words, the queen broke down crying. She could not even imagine the pain of losing her baby princess. “You cannot have her… you evil man..,” she exclaimed through her sobs. The evil wizard roared with laughter and came towards the queen. “Get out of my way dear queen,” he warned. With a wave of his fingers he made the baby fly into his hand. “NOOOOO…,” the queen cried out with so much pain and sorrow but the wizard paid no attention and turned around to leave the castle. People were crying now, not knowing what would happen to them.

All of a sudden, the whole sky went bright. People covered their eyes at the light that filled the darkness that the wizard brought. When they opened their eyes, they saw a dragon flying in the sky. It was the most beautiful thing anyone ever saw. Its body was blue, pink, and green. The dragon was flapping its wings to stay and it reflected the light in all the directions bringing out a frenzy of colors. “MY NAME IS MODENA AND I AM GOING TO STOP YOU,” the dragon bellowed as it landed on the castle grounds. The wizard was suddenly struck with fear. He tried to smile at the dragon and said, “I did not mean any harm.” Modena stared at the wizard with his bright red eyes as if he didn’t believe a word the evil wizard said. The wizard sensed this and looked around quickly trying to find a way to flee with the princess.

The wizard suddenly jumped into the air and tried to fly away from the castle. Modena flapped his wings and lifted off to follow him. When the wizard sensed the dragon following him, he turned around and waved his free hand towards the dragon. Out of nowhere, chains popped out of the sky and wrapped around the dragon. Modena roared loudly and broke free and flew towards the wizard who was escaping. But wait… the chains were alive!! They were like snakes. The chains had mouths on its ends and he could hear it hiss as it chased after Modena. Modena paid no attention to this and tried to save the baby princess. He thought about breathing fire but he could not do anything to the wizard because he might hurt the baby. Modena felt a sudden tug on his leg and saw that the chains had caught up to him. One of it was biting on his leg and wrapped itself around him. The next chain got a hold of his other leg. Modena thought that he could not give up and used all of his energy and grabbed the chains with his hand. Once he got a hold of the chains, he threw it in the air and blasted a big breath of fire. The people on the ground could see the fire. It wasn’t like any normal fire they saw. It was bright bluish white with a slightly red outline. They could hear the chains hiss as if in pain when the flame hit it. When Modena stopped breathing fire, there were no signs of the chain. He was free and continued to chase after the wizard. He caught up to the wizard and roared, “UNHAND HER!!” “As you wish…,” the wizard replied with an evil grin and dropped the baby.

Modena roared with anger and slashed across the wizards face with his sharp claws. The blow made the wizard faint and the wizard fell to the ground. Modena looked down in horror as he saw the baby heading towards the ground. He dove down… using all of his strength, flapping his wings wildly, gasping for air and praying for luck. People were gathering on the ground looking in horror at what might happen. Modena didn’t want to give up. He was too close to saving the baby. The ground was coming closer and with one final burst of energy Modena leapt forward and got his hand on the baby! Modena held the baby tightly. There were sighs of relief from the crowd below but it soon turned to horror again as they realized that the dragon cannot stop now. Modena was too close to the ground that he couldn’t change his direction. He hugged the baby against his chest as he crashed on the ground with a loud and thunderous THUD!!

The ground shook and the people gathered around the dragon. The king and queen ran up to the dragon wondering what the fate of their child was. As they neared Modena, who was on his back slightly moving, they heard the baby’s cry. The queen went up to the dragon and grabbed the baby and held her as if she would never let her go. The king came up to the dragon and thanked him over and over again. The king asked, “Dear dragon, why did you risk your life to save Kahlan’s life?” Modena looked at the king and smiled, “Because Kahlan is my baby sister and I am your long lost son father.” The king was surprised but very happy to hear that. Suddenly there was another bright light and Modena disappeared. Instead, there was a handsome boy lying there. He got up and looked around at his mother and father. “The evil wizard turned me into a dragon and I wanted to save my sister from the same thing.” The queen came and hugged her son while everyone clapped and cheered, for the future for the kingdom of Gaisha looked bright once more.

Well, I wanted to give you all something different and hope you enjoyed. Adios...

things the world would be better off without

As Sebastian says, the human world is a mess. There are many needless garbage we need to throw out. Yes, I said NEEDLESS garbage because some garbage can be recycled, reused, or even refurbished. However, this is a list of things that wouldn't even be useful as garbage. It would ultimately give garbage a bad name. If garbage used things, and threw away its garbage, it would still be.. oops.. I went on a tangent there. Sorry folks. Wait. Why am I apologizing? It's my blog. Oops I did it again! Anyway, below are some things, in no particular order, that the world would be better off without.

1. Edward the-gampire Cullen

edward cullen- the boy who died

It's hard not to root for the hero in a movie, but our flamboyant vampire makes me wish otherwise. Dude, you got casted as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter. Now that suits you more. You thought you had all the glory, but bloody Harry Potter stole your thunder and you ended up being collateral damage. If twilight was like that, who knows what would have happened? And what's with that skin of yours? You look like a freaking glitter pen came all over you! Alright, you got me. I use a glitter pen. So sue me!

 2. Politicians

think this picture is taking it a tad bit too far?

I did that thing that psychologists do with word association. When I said the word politicians out loud, my inner voice said Satan. Hence, the picture. I don't wanna write anything about politicians because their hopcrisy and their sadistic nature is general knowledge. It's not even good for trivia.

3. (spelling pending approval)

I spent more time googling this picture than writing this post

Ok.. So I wanted to get a picture of our self claimed 'super star' and I had to try so many spellings before I got a hold of his picture. Sheesh! If you're gonna claim stardom, atleast spell your name the same way twice. Season, Seazun, Seazan, Seasun, Seasan, Czun, Czan, Czun, Seesan, Seesun, Seeson, Ctzun, Ctzan, and Ctzun are some names I tried before I got a hit. Unbelievable!

4. Justin Beiber

 meh

I'll be honest. I don't even know this kid. I hate him just for the hell of it. Are you seriously wearing a purple sweater while showing the peace symbol? The Palestinians called. They want you to stop using the peace symbol to fix your feminine hormone rush. If I see you in person while making that gesture, I'll make you swallow your own peace symbol. Peace out dude!

5. The Teletubbies

awww look at you all. so happy and witty. DIE!! DIE!!!!! 

You may argue I hate them because I am no longer a kid. I hated it as a kid! Screw the people who tell me that cartoons are stupid because it's not real. Seriously? Having grown men in some gay costume running around talking like drunk lunatics is real? AAAARRRRGGGGHH!! I am too angry to write even..

(after sometime to cool off)

If you know me at all, you'd realize someone is missing on this list. Yes it's

6. Barney

a purple T-Rex? what will they think of next?

My hatred of Barney lies right within my core. The day I look at Barney with any sort of good will is the day I shoot myself. To convey how much I despise this abomination to all the dinosaurs, I will write a little song. It goes to the tune of the song 'Heigh-Ho' from Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

We kill kill kill kill kill kill kill at home the whole day through

To kill kill kill kill kill kill kill is what we really like to do

It ain't that hard to kill him quick

If you kill kill kill with a shovel or a pick

In his bed! In his bed! In his bed! In his bed!

Where Barney sits and whines

We kill kill kill kill kill kill kill from early morn till night
We kill kill kill kill kill kill kill till we know he has died

We hold him up by his throat

A thousand tears, sometimes more

But we don't know what we kill him for

We kill kill kill a-kill kill

 

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to kill we go

(whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to kill we go
(whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho hum

Heigh-ho (until fade)

You may think this is overkill. Tell me, do you want a...

pink batman!!!??? or patman if you'd please. think about this...

Until next time. Adios...

the shampire chronicles

If you read my blog, I assume you have met the Shampire. Last time we met, things got pretty ugly to say the least. But behold the miracles of modern medicine! Guess who's back?

The SHAMPIRE!

and he is pissed!

Me: Guess what the cat dragged in? You're alive! WOW!
Shampire: Pfffttt! I am not talking to you.
Me: What happened?
Shampire: (stares at me with emo-eye-linered eyes)
Me: Aaahhh. You're angry about how things ended last time we met.
Shampire: Angry is an understatement! You almost got me killed!!
Me: But you didn't die.
Shampire: I could have.
Me: But you didn't.
Shampire: I could have!!!
Me: So you couldn't?
Shampire: Why you little bitch!
Me: Man, you must be pissed.
Shampire: An apology would be nice.
Me: My heartfelt apologies for almost killing you. I never thought it would get that epic.
Shampire: See? That's your problem. you never think. You just do!
Me: Enough with the apologies, so how are you still alive?
Shampire: It's a miracle. You left me for dead after my Stick of Karma blew up.
Me: Oh yeah. It was quite...
Shampire: (Evil eyes)
Me: Please go on with your story.
Shampire: The medics came and rushed me into the ER and the doctors performed surgery on me.
Me: Yeah I must say, you look quite different now. Almost as if you're too young.
Shampire: Thank you! You see, my skin was completely burnt for the most part. So the docs had to remove skin from my... (blushes)
Me: Let me guess. Your butt?
Shampire: My hips. Well.. Near my hips. Lower back.
Me: So your ass?
Shampire: Alright alright. My bottom. They removed the skin from my bottom. Don't worry. It's not as bad as
Me: FACE! BWAHAHAHAHA
Shampire: I am leaving right now! You always end up pissing me off.
Me: My apologies once again. But you look so different now.
Shampire: Yes yes my child. I am quite different now. Remember how I was like back in the day?
Me: Yeah. You were a sadistic sexist who used religion as a tool to fool others.
Shampire: Well.. I guess that sums it up. So anyway, while recovering from my life threatening injury, I realized the error of my ways and decided to change.
Me: How so?
Shampire: First of all, I have given up on believing in underage marriages, about having concubines, and blindly killing the innocent in the name of religion.
Me: I can't believe I am saying this. BUT those are what you are all about. What about the fear that strikes people's hearts when we say the word 'shampire'?
Shampire: I still believe in religion and some of those hardcore rules.
Me: So what are you now?
Shampire: I am still a shampire. But in simplest terms, let's say I am a vegetarian.
Me: What? O_o
Shampire: Listen here my child. I just don't want to brainwash people anymore and hurt innocents. My beliefs and ideologies stay with me. That's what I mean by saying I'm a vegetarian.
Me: So now you're gay?
Shampire: HOW DARE YOU?!!!
Me: I see that almost dying didn't change your nasty temper.
Shampire: It's not like I am a different person now. But
Me: FACE!!!!! LAAM VAAV LAAM!
Shampire: Why, I am going to beat you up with this stick.
Me: Is that a new Stick of Karma?
Shampire: This piece of junk? It's just a normal stick I keep with me.
Me: Alright. The docs, what kind of surgery did they perform?
Shampire: It was plastic surgery ofcourse.
Me: But to replace the damaged skin they had to perform another surgery, huh?
Shampire: Yes. And your point is?
Me: Did they do open-ass surgery on you? MuahAHAHAHahAHHAHAHAhAHAH
Shampire: (Shakes head) Sometimes I wonder why I even talk to you.
Me: Tell me, what's next for you?
Shampire: I want to live a quite life. Cause no trouble. Might even fool around a bit with some women my age.
Me: You player!
Shampire: Well, I must get going now.
Me: Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: You too. You misguided hopeless excuse for a human being!
Me: And that's the last I heard of the Shampire. I never met him or heard from him since then. He's not my friend. Nor my enemy. Because he's the hero that the world deserves. But not the one it needs right now. And so we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight! (Epic SEASONIC THUNDER!!!)

Few days later, after reviewing my draft

Shampire: Seriously? You sunk that low huh? You had to use the ending of the dark knight for my farewell?
Me: I can tell another ass joke before you go.
Shampire: NO!
Me: So every time you breath, you're technically farting. You are passing air from inbetween your ass-covered cheeks!

Thus ends the Shampire trilogy. He passed away few years later (guess he wasn't immortal) and below is the engraving I carved on his tombstone:

Lo, there do I see my Father..
Lo, there do I see my Mother...
And my Sisters and my Brothers..
Lo, there do I see the line
Of my people back to the beginning..
They do bid me to take my place among them..
In the Halls of Valhalla,
Where the Brave may live forever.

I hope his ghost doesn't come to haunt me for quoting a Viking Prayer! Adios...