the shampire strikes back

image courtesy of Google and MS Paint

Me: Welcome to my first sequel. Today I try to probe further into the life of our friend the Shampire. Without further ado, let me welcome his Holiness.
Shampire: His what? Did you just say his Holiness?
Me: Err my apologies.. Didn't mean to disgrace your name.
Shampire: His Holiness is how the Pope is refered to as. Tell me human, do I even remotely look like his Holiness?
Me: Hahaha.. You said his Holiness. You respect him..
Shampire: Why yes I do. We are both representatives from our respective Gods, and I have to give him his proper dues. (whispers) But between you and me, I don't respect him at all.
Me: It's refreshing to know you hold true to your beliefs your Highness.
Shampire: Sure sure. So errr about the last time we met, I am sorry I chased after you with an AK.
Me: Oh yeah, no worries. I totally understand. By the way, how did you turn that ordinary looking stick into a rifle?
Shampire: My dear child.. it isn't just a stick. It's the Stick of Karma!
Me: The stick of what? Karma??
Shampire: Yeah. It is a very special stick. Shall I tell you how it is made?
Me: Does it matter what I say? You will tell me anyway.
Shampire: LAAM VAAM LAAM! You're right. I would have told you regardless.. So, the Stick of Karma is made from wood from the seven continents of the world. The seven pieces of wood are grated into a container which is filled with water from the five oceans of the world. The mixture is left for weeks, sometimes months or even years and once the container dries up, the powder is moulded into a stick and tadaaa. You have the Stick of Karma.
Me: (looking at Shampire with keen interest)
Shampire: What are you looking at boy? Never saw a man with a beard before?
Me: No no.. I am wondering where your nose hair ends and your moustache begins.
Shampire: Why you ungrateful soul! I am going to beat you with this stick!!
Me: A million apologies my Lord.
Shampire: Well, just don't mock me. Shampires have feelings too (puppy eyes)
Me: So, how do you get to turn that stick into a rifle? Do you boil a rifle in the super wood-from-every-continent-and-water-from-every-ocean mixture?
Shampire: No you fool! Are you an idiot?
Me: Aaah ok. Now I am the idiot.
Shampire: There there.. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Me: It's ok.. It's just that..
Shampire: It's settled then. As I was saying, to turn the Stick of Karma into a weapon, you have to get the weapon you want first.
Me: DUH
Shampire: What was that? You retarded or something?
Me: no comments
Shampire: HHMMPPH! I won't tell you the details anymore. It's a sacred ritual.
Me: Okies. Tell me your nobleness, where are the rest of you?
Shampire: BAA RAA BAA
Me: What the hell? Are you singing?
Shampire: No no you mindless bastard! I was saying I will be right back. I am an Arab, remember?
Me: Aaaaah. You claim to be an Arab but you speak in English to me. How come?
Shampire: Cos you don't know Arabic! Ya Allah! Maa Haaza? Huva kaslaan va laisa indhahu ilmun yarah. Hal huva insaan au haivaan ya rahbee?!!
Me: Oops.
Shampire: Tell me, have you considered my offer to become one of us?
Me: Dear Lord, here we go again...
Shampire: I think the problem is with your attitude. With attitude like that, you can't get anything done.
Me: What do you know? I am a flawed human being.
Shampire: Exactly. Join me my son. Together we will make the world a better place.
Me: Based on our previous encounter it's safe to say your daughter is off limits as a reward. So what is in it for me?
Shampire: Why you selfish bastard! You get eternal salvation. Isn't that enough?
Me: Yeah it is I guess. So when do we start?
Shampire: (Tears flowing) First thing tomorrow morning.
Me: Woohoo
Shampire: I will give you a bag. Your mission is to take the bag over to the playground where they have set up a music show. Once you go there, I will press the button and it will blow up all the infidels to smitherins.
Me: Awesome! It's a deal.
Shampire: Those poor imbicels won't know what hit them.
Together: MuahAHAhAHAHahahAHAHAha

We go our separate ways preparing for the next day.
Time is 4:30 in the morning.

Me: Ummm Shamp.. You awake? We have a problem.
Shampire: What the hell? It's freaking 4:30! Why did you wake me up so early?
Me: I have errr a slight cold and can't carry the bag with me to the playground. Do you mind carrying it for me?

With this, he threw the Stick of Karma up into the air which turned into a cluster bomb. I ran on for dear life as I heard the deafening explosion behind me. I looked back one last time at Shampire and saw him praying to heavens in the burning flame.. The last of his kind.. He was funny, sarcastic, and one hell of a guy. Below is the last thing I remember before I blacked out.. Until next time.. Adi...

harney

Harney's image courtesy of Google and err Barney(?)

Harney is a fanatic from our imagination,

And when he's horny,

He looks to young girls for fornication.

Harney's friends have concubines,

And stink from lots of places.

After work they meet to pray,

And preach with gloomy faces.

Harney shows us lots of things,

Like how to fool others,

Suicides and promises,

And how to be a threat.

Harney comes to threaten us,

Even if we don't need him.

Harney can be your enemy too,

If you don't make-believe him.

short and sweet

Since I have been away from my creative arts for a while, I am going to write a little about everything on thoughts I gathered during my excursion of our beloved country.

Feeding frenzy - The most realistic game ever. shows exactly why poop rolls down hill.
Democracy - We get to select who we wanna whine about later.
Politics - An excuse for alpha males to act like children and get away with it.
Home is where the heart is - If that's true, then I am a living miracle cos my heart should be some 244 miles away from where I am sitting right now (yeah, that is roughly the exact distance).
BML visa debit card - You can finally buy the things that money can't buy. Suck on that MasterCard!
Chinese medical center - Why don't we have a japanese medical center or an arabian medical center? They have their own type of medicine too, right?
Dodge ball - Secretly teaches kids that life is gonna grab you by the balls if you aren't careful.
Cockroach - I swear it is an alien and NASA sends missions to the end of the universe to search for life.
Justice - Given to those who deserve it or who can afford the better lawyer.
Rape - Did you say 'no' to the person who was raping you while holding a knife to your throat? Then it was consensual sex and you should be charged with adultery.
Religion - A tool for some people to get into your mind, much like money, science, fear, and toys.
Rainbows - God's miracle to give a moment of happiness for fishermen with a bad catch.
Headache - Body's way of telling you to shut it or it will shut you!
Sunrise - For those who are tired of the sunset and those who listen to Augustana.
Passenger liners - The best way to excite a 2 year old kid who's dad works on a 'ship.'
PS3 - The greatest gift to men after the creation of women and G.I. Joe.
Bureaucracy - Reason why the jerk sitting behind the counter can piss on you with his/her smile and you can't do anything about it.
Date night - The way to tell your wife she can't cook without getting kicked out of the house.
Tolkien - I don't know you half as well as I should like; but I like more than half of you half as well as you deserve.. LOTR kicked ass!!!
Birthdays - Just another excuse to spend a butt load of money and get away with it.
Ants - don't step on an ant hill let alone fall on one. You'll have little six-legged-devils crawling all over your body.

Well that's all I have for now. Until next time. Adios...

10 people you should never piss off

Have you ever wondered, "Hmm.. It was a bad idea to piss him/her off"? Well, then let me help you with my list of people you should never piss off no matter what.

10. Butlers

Do unto others as thou want to be done unto you. So do not mess with your butler because he knows all your secrets including your super alter-ego and your nightly rituals in the bedroom. Just imagine if Alfred was to call out Bruce Wayne and kill him. He would get paid a shit load of money from every villain in the DC Universe. So remember folks, it could have been Alfred begins instead of Batman begins...

9. Teachers

This one doesn't need much of an explanation. Piss off your teachers and their ghosts will haunt you for the rest of your life. FYI: I made a habit of pissing off my teachers when I was a kid and since then I have dated two teachers, tried to date two, and almost worked it out with another teacher. Not to mention that my sister is a teacher, and almost all of my cousins are teachers too (male and female alike). My brother said it was bad karma. It's like getting herpes. You think it's gone, and voila, one pops up from nowhere!

8. The Wolverine

He makes this list just because he is a bad ass. You don't even have to piss him off for him to come after you with his adamantium claws and make manburger meat out of you. The boogeyman may check the closet for Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris is too damned chicken to even look for the Wolverine!

7. Barbers

First of all, you won't be mutilated (the way sweeney does) by your barber if you piss him off. But you will wish he had after he fucks up your hair like it has never been fucked up before. Always remember, the man who has the knife always gets the last laugh. MUAhaHAHAhahaHAHAha (repeat to fade)

6. Waiters

This comes along the same line as butlers but on a much more horrific level. What's the worst a butler could do? Kill you and that's it. A waiter on the other hand can spit in your food or drink, and you will gladly stuff your face with food completely oblivious to the fact that you have the waiter's saliva in your mouth. Might as well french kiss him, right? And that lemonade you are drinking, are you sure it's lemonade? HMMMMMMMMmmmm?

5. Blowjobbers

In case you didn't know, a blowjobber is someone who participates in the act of giving oral sex to a guy. So imagine the girl in the picture is that hot girl you wanted for so long. Imagine the banana in her mouth is your 'wand.' Imagine that she is giving you the greatest time of your life. Imagine you have pissed her off by flirting with another girl. Now imagine her biting a chunk off of the banana. Enough said!

4. Dentists

Has anyone ever had a pleasant time at the dentist? Regardless of the procedure you want, you will suffer utter agony at the hands of the white-lab-coat-wearing maniac who will put Jigsaw from the saw movies to shame. "This may hurt a litte" "Please stay still" "You might feel a little sting" are just some words of 'comfort' you hear at the dentist. There is no comprehending what the dentist would do if you were to actually piss him off. Pretty much he will make love to your mouth with a huge ass drill! The only consolation I can think of is to say this when he gives you the bill, "This may hurt a little doc, I forgot my wallet." HAH! Suck on that BITCH!

1. (also 2 and 3) Ursula

The consequences of pissing off the Sea Witch Ursula is so great that she wins the first three spots in this list. In short, Ursula is the personification of women. Never ever piss off a woman because you will ultimately be hunted down and gutted until none of your remains remain!! Oh and she will do it with a smile too. If you haven't been burned by a woman yet, you haven't lived. Then again, we men say that out of envy to actually mean you've been lucky bro!

hypocrisy of men: religion

Closeup of the Saudi flag courtesy of Google

Look around us today and compare it to the Maldives of the past. Sure, you could see more cleavages 10 years ago. Someone who wore a veil was a rarity. Today someone who does not is a minority. So, one can argue that we are more religious. Or are we? Females wear veil but they also wear tight fitting clothes that will show every curve in their body. I am not complaining about seeing it, but this defeat the sole purpose of wearing a veil to cover your body. There are people who wear veil and yet wear skirts that are cut high enough to see their under garments. Once again, it's an arousing sight, but it begs the question of our religious values.

Speaking of values, it brings us to marriages. There are people who believe that young girls should marry. I'll be honest. If everything is said and done on the girl's will, then it's fine. But we can't go and preach saying you should marry at a young age. It leads to nothing but an increase in the divorce rate. Yeah it is better than two unmarried people fornicating. But it doesn't mean marrying young is the solution. There is no way a girl's body is physically ready to give birth or her mind to be mature enough to take care of a family at such a young age, especially when the husband is twice her age. Many people ask about our Prophet (PBUH). But let me say one thing. It was a different time. Those were times when women didn't have any place in society (I am being bluntly honest here). They had no education and no careers as compared to the women of today. Today, the women can look after themselves. They are independent and some even provide for the men. So times are going to change and we have to adapt to it but holding onto our core values.

Most people I know will not think twice knowing a non-Muslim died. Why is that? Being a non-Muslim doesn't make them a bad person. Like the time when Diana died, my Quran teacher told me she would go to hell and that she was an infidel. Who are we to decide where she will go after she dies? The fact is, regardless of her religious beliefs, she was a kind person. I have Muslim friends who are worse human beings than my non-Muslim friends. A person may believe what he wants to believe. It says so in the Quran that no one will be forced in religion. But once you choose Islam, then you are obligated to fulfill the duties and prayers. There are Muslims who kill other Muslims in the name of Jihad. There are Muslims who abuse their wives, rape their children and still call themselves Muslims. I would rather spit on their bodies than mourn for their death. What about all the killings in our society today? If one were to look at it through a critical lens, it would behoove one to superimpose this image on any other part of the western world. The only thing that classifies us as Muslims is our national identity. During the times of Ibrahim (A.S), he invited a non-Muslim over to dinner and the guy bows down to the fire (he worshiped fire). Ibrahim (A.S) got pretty darn angry and showed him to the door. And Allah told Ibrahim (A.S) that Allah dealt with all the shirk he committed his whole life but Ibrahim (A.S) couldn't withstand it even for a minute part of a night. He goes onto fetch the old man. He told the old man that Ibrahim (A.S) himself could have committed a worse sin in the eyes of Allah compared to the sin committed by the old man. So, as I said, who are we to judge others?

We have within us many laws that govern Islam. But how many times did they ever come to defend the victim. The ever increasing cases of child abuse and rape are just ignored. The girl who was raped by four maniacs was the guilty person. Why? Because she did not ask them to stop. Imagine there are four fucking guys holding you and trying to do God-knows-what to you. Will you really be begging them or will you just be hoping they would let you live? Likewise, what about the case of the concubine? The Islamic Ministry was quick to call it a lie. Why in the world did they have to do that? Shouldn't they try to find out the truth? The doctors' reports are there. The wife of our horny bastard agrees to the deed and yet, our religious scholars deny it. What about the husband who abuses his wife? Or rapes her? Yes I said rape. Marriage doesn't mean you can force the woman to have sex. It means you are bound together till death do you part. It says in the Quran (I paraphrase) that men are made as a clothing upon women and that women are made as a clothing upon men. In my opinion, the laws of men are made for their needs and to oppress any opposition. One can argue that it is the woman’s duty to fulfill the desire of the man. Well, there is a saying that if the woman turns away from the needs of her husband, angels will pray woe unto her. Is it the same case if the man is a self proclaimed uncaring asshole? I think not. The woman may have a reason she turns herself away from the man. Likewise, it doesn’t give the man any right to treat his woman like shit either. This is one area, where the laws of men completely fucked up.

The consensus among some of us is that suicide is a mean to Jihad. Since when was suicide allowed in Islam? You can have Al-Usthaaz, Ah-Shaih, Ah-Jaahil to your name and it still wouldn't change the fact that suicide is just wrong. Going to war knowing that you will die is different from going and killing yourself. And not distinguishing women and children is wrong. The Prophet (PBUH) once got very angry when (I think it was a kid) was killed in a battle. So who are we today to go and preach and brainwash innocent kids into killing themselves. And you call yourselves Muslims?

Forgiveness: Islam is supposed to be the religion of peace and harmony. But you put one toe out of line, and your ass will go to the gallows. Not really gallows, but you get the idea. We make one mistake and that person will make us rue our very existence. There is a saying that Allah loves those who repent and those who are clean. I take that means, even if we do something bad, it shouldn't hang over our heads like a mistletoe for the rest of our lives. Don't mistake it for letting pedophiles, rapists, and murderers walk free.

Life after death: I have always talked about the 72 virgins in a lot of my posts. Here is why I say so. Why is that every time they talk of paradise they bring up that topic? Like the lecture given by Sheikh Ilyas the other night, he constantly went on and on about that topic. For me, it seems like using, well for lack of a better word, sex to promote religion. What about all the other things people need? Why not the 72 virgins for the women? I have read many answers given by scholars for this question but I think it's unfair as far as our sisters our concerned.

Questioning our beliefs: We are groomed and brought up to believe that questioning our beliefs is a breach of our fidelity. How come? If we have an honest question about our religion shouldn’t we be able to ask? It would only make things clearer to us. Instead, our parents and teachers alike tell us to watch our mouth and we are left to ignorance. Same can be seen in the case of sex related issues. If a kid asks about something sexual he/she would be scolded and at a time when some adult abuses the kid, he/she will be too afraid to talk about it because for them sex is something dirty and disgusting and they don’t want to be associated to sex even if their father’s good friend abuses them on a daily basis.

Finally, I am not a Saint. I have done bad things too and I regret committing those sins. It's not up to you to judge me nor to punish me. I leave that in thy hands, Allah. Adios...

lost love

Calvin and Hobbes copyright of Bill Watterson

Perishing in your love, I don't know

Where I am. Please don't leave me alone,

Hear my pleas; I need you to row,

The boat of fate, in which for you I mourn.

Is it my fate to be vanquished in this world?

By my dreams that never came true,

While I drown in the ocean of my tears, cold

And distant. Will you watch me suffer through

The agony of your silence towards me?

I have become imprisoned in my own patience,

Am I cursed and can I never be free?

Or am I blessed with all this grievance?

Yet, your childish smile my eyes crave,

I will hold you close till I enter my grave.

a picture is worth a thousand words

privatising mosques?