public outcry after new internet service provider unveils internet package

MALE' SHITTY — The otherwise calm and serene capital of the Maldives was rocked by public outcry after the country's newest internet service provider Vedont Ripyo Uofph, a joint venture company between Dhiraagu and Swedish telecom giants Telenor, announced their prices. Journalists, armchair analysts, and social media influencer-cum-experts are on the fence after the initial excitement as Vedont Ripyo Uofph sought to revolutionize the cyber-communication industry in the country.

Vedont Ripyo Uofph's project was announced last year with the aim of providing world class internet service to Maldivians at an affordable price. (photo: https://maldivesfinest.com/maldives-internet-speed)

Speaking at the press conference, Vedont Ripyo Uofph's CEO, who is also the Chairman of the Board of Directors of Dhiraagu, has 19-percent stake in Ooredoo's shares, is a renown businessman and real estate developer in the Maldives, and is also related to the President, the First Lady, former President, cousins with the current and former Speakers of the Parliament, and lastly, husband of Youth Minister's sister and uncle to the former first children Dhunya and Yumna Qayoom, stated that Vedont Ripyo Uofph aimed to answer the complaints by the tolerant citizens of the Maldives who have been waiting ever so patiently for affordable internet in today's developing world.

Vedont Ripyo Uofph currently offers a 1G fiber broadband internet package for MVR 6000, which comes with a free router and truly unlimited internet. In comparison, Dhiraagu and Ooredoo both offer their 1G fiber broadband packages for MVR 6990 with a 3 TB data allowance and additional router/installation fees. "It is almost as if there is no difference between the two companies," Vedont Ripyo Uofph's spokesperson told local newspapers. "With us, you can see something is different...at least in the numbers."

Public outrage began when a world-famous local Instagram influencer tweeted the cost of the same package by Telenor, the parent company of Vedont Ripyo Uofph: USD 68.95 (MVR 1063). When confronted with this information on twitter and on the verge of getting canceled, the CEO of Vedont Ripyo Uofph responded that the reason for the high markup for the same package in the Maldives was to make up for economies of scale.

"You see, in Sweden, we offer our service to a population of over 10 million people and last year the revenue was at 1.24 billion dollars." CEO of Vedont Ripyo Uofph stated. "We, as a business, have our duty to our partners and share holders to deliver similar profit margins from our project in the Maldives as well. Also, if you look at the prices, we are still offering 1000 rufiyaa less than Dhiraagu and Ooredoo."

When asked how they came up with the MVR 6000 price tag, Vedont Ripyo Uofph's marketing department explained that they calculated the cost of flying to Sweden, food and accommodation, and subscribing to the same package in Sweden. "Once you add all that up, we are practically, giving our internet service for free," Vedont Ripyo Uofph's CEO tweeted after the press conference. "In fact, I wouldn't be lying if I were to say that we are basically paying you to become our customers!" Insider reports also claim, there have been pleas from both Dhiraagu and Ooredoo to not lower the price of the packages as it would see the their profits pummel within months.

"What customers need to better understand is trickle down economics," an economist who works with the local telecommunication lobbyist group Maldives Association for Communication Technology Industry (MACTI) posted on Facebook yesterday evening. "When our telecom companies do well with their sweat and blood, the money they bring into the economy will eventually go to the local business owners and eventually our beloved citizens." The said economist also claimed that the telecommunication industry was built with very hard work by a couple of very ordinary individuals and that they have thus far received little credit from the public.

Regardless of what happens, it is imperative that we as citizens of this peaceful and tolerant country have faith in Vedont Ripyo Uofph as we have had in Dhiraagu and Ooredoo all these years to get similar internet services at Google speed at very affordable prices with minimal interruptions and above reproach customer service.

Until next time. Adios...

mysterious virus plagues the nation of maldives

MALE' CITY, Maldives -- The World Health Organization (WHO) has been on continued alert to monitor spontaneous outbreaks of dangerous diseases in different parts (read: third world countries) of the globe following the latest outbreak of Ebola earlier this year. It seems like WHO's perseverance in monitoring these risks has finally paid off. The organization released a statement late last night as a mysterious disease has been discovered in the Maldives. This grave news was followed by the alarming news as scientists disclosed that this disease has been endemic to Maldives for centuries. Despite the suddenness and mystery that surrounds the discovery, what baffled the medical community the most has been the peculiar effects of this menacing disease: impregnating women!

Authorities have not yet named the disease, but the pathogen responsible for this life altering condition has been identified and labeled as the Human Gravidaphage Virus (HGV). The name Gravidaphage comes from the Latin word 'gravido' meaning impregnate and the Greek word 'phagous' meaning devouring. WHO informed they decided to name the virus as a -phage because the disease ends up 'eating the life away' of the patient.

an electronic microscopic photo shows a group of HGV attacking the ovum of a female patient

Scientists and doctors from renown medical universities and hospitals flocked to the Maldives to study the effects of the virus. Dr. Ahmed, the resident gynecologist cum urologist at the biggest private hospital in the Maldives met with reporters on behalf of the investigating team of experts and explained their findings to this point.

"Our observations indicate it's possible that HGV is a gender-based virus as all HGV positive patients have been females thus far. Also...There hasn't been any reports of transmission between humans yet." Dr. Ahmed also explained that the team will conduct tests to observe how the virus affects a male mouse. "We are already working on finding a vaccine, but at the same time, we are trying to identify the chances and prepare for a cross-gender jump to males. And should that happen, take possible precautions."

HGV has been found to be aggressive even when dormant

"What we have is a very unique pathogen. While we are unable to tell the exact origin of the virus or how it originated in Maldives, our team finds it amazing that the virus keeps on attacking until the ovum or more commonly known as the egg, becomes fertilized." Dr. Ahmed explained. Everyone who contracted the virus has thus far been unable to completely get rid of the virus. "In effect, you can say that a single virus is able to make a woman pregnant but we don't know how many times it could potentially occur as the virus tends to become dormant for periods." Records show that a patient could be found positive for HGV, get pregnant, and give birth, but get pregnant again years later. Numbers show that some patients went through as many as 3 of these dormant-active cycles. He further revealed that the dormant and active period of the virus was completely random.

No one has yet been able to identify how all these women contracted the virus in the first place. It's one aspect of the investigation that the doctors and scientists have differing opinions. Dr. Yoosef, an astronomer, believes that the virus is transmitted through an animal. "This virus has been in this country for long. We cannot tell anything for sure without knowing who was patient zero. However, I believe it is a vector borne virus. There just isn't any other way for the virus to be endemic to the Maldives for centuries. The only possible explanation is that an animal that is only found in the Maldives is a host of the HGV."

Dr. Ahmed, on the other hand, opposes the hypothesis. "I'm not saying that he is wrong. It's possible that he's right too, but he's just an astronomer. What did he do to come to that conclusion? Consult the stars? I think we need the medical experts to handle this."

a close-up of the human gravidaphage virus during the active period (photo credits: Tylon - ZBrushCentral)

While it's obvious that this newly discovered virus will cause clashes in academia, everyone needs to work together as the virus has a tendency to cause false positives. That is, someone could actually just be pregnant and not HGV positive. "The problem is that pregnant women and HGV positive women show the same symptoms." Dr. Ahmed told reporters. "Once we discovered the virus, we almost had a nationwide panic as every pregnant woman in the country could possibly be carrying HGV."

Authorities and everyone concerned are working on a possible procedure to correctly identify HGV positive patients. "We know the theory behind all this," a very convinced Dr. Yoosef told reporters after the news conference. "Hypothetically speaking..if you were a woman and you happen to be pregnant, what could you ask yourself? Who the father is, no? All we need to do is build a device that would enable us to test the validity of your claim. We just need a way to test the DNA of the embryo and compare whether it matches the man who you claim is the father. I'm sure we can build this device within 4 to 5 years if we all work together."

Even Dr. Ahmed agrees to the idea as long as the virus doesn't start affecting males. "I'm afraid I have to agree with Dr. Yoosef as long as the patients aren't males. However, I would consider the fact that with the exception of a few outliers...all HGV positive patients have not been married at the time of contraction of the virus. If we use that as a start, we could start eliminating false positives within weeks with 90% accuracy!"

While Maldives, and the world, faces an uncertain future, the biggest advantage we have over the Human Gravidaphage Virus is that it has been contained in the Maldives all these years. Only time will tell how things turn out.

Until next time. Adios...

family disowns firstborn for freethinking

RADAVAN CITY, Maldives -- In what is otherwise a peaceful neighborhood in the capital of the Maldives, a local household has been shattered to its very core in a baffling turn of events after Ahmed (not his real name), the firstborn of his family, was disowned for, what some are calling, freethinking. Entering the fourth day since the staggering revelation, journalists are still unclear as to the exact nature of the catalytic event. Reporters in the capital have identified questioning authority of parents as the root cause of this incident. Neighbors wait anxiously with fear that other firstborns who live along the cramped streets of Radavan City might join freethinking as well, resulting in multiple disownments.

The authorities have thus far been reluctant to disclose the details as they do not want to publicly acknowledge the action and give legitimacy to disownment. Despite the secrecy, reporters were able to get a hold of the mother. Khadheeja (not her real name), a distraught woman of forty-three (not her real age), told reporters that her first born refused to eat vegetables at dinner.

a baby refuses to eat (file photo)

A police officer, on condition of complete anonymity, told reporters that they were able to formulate a much complicated timeline of the event. It seems Ahmed sat down to eat at 8:25 pm and the vegetables in question were placed on the dinner table at exactly 8:29 pm local time, upon which Ahmed refused. Ahmed refused to eat the vegetables upon continuous insistence by his mom and dad, telling them that the food was, in his own words, 'ewwwww'.

i can think of a few things that are ewwwer than that

"We know he is grownup and all, but he should not question us. We are his parents for God's sake!" Ahmed's father, Ali (not his real name), told reporters. "We have been very accepting of his ways. We let him grow his hair and get piercings on his ears and body." His father shared with the reporters.

"Why...we even accommodate his rowdy friends. And they drink under our own roof and smoke God knows what!" Ahmed's mother chimed in. "This one time he came home after 2 am, barely able to stand. His clothes were covered in blood and he had a knife in his hand. We...we didn't ask any questions. And now he questions our authority? Just like that?? What more could he ask for???!!"

"And did we tell you we provide for him since he doesn't even have a job? We are paying for his motorbike and his coffees and trips. We provide for our own child. We give him all the money he needs. We are damn good parents. He's left wanting for nothing and he does this to his poor parents!" The upset couple shared their story with the reporters. "And the worst bit is that he asked us why vegetables were good for him. He kept asking us why he should eat it. As if our words weren't good enough for him! He brought great shame to this house. How can we face our neighbors and friends and family after he questioned us like this?"

you have the luxury of not knowing what i know, you piece of shit!

Whatever the fallout from this event, it is clear that more disownments would follow as more people start thinking freely. Authorities are preparing for a nationwide crackdown should the phenomenon get out of hand. Till then, all we can do is brace and hope that Ahmed and his family return to their merry ways and acknowledge Ahmed as their son.

Until next time. Adios...