mysterious virus plagues the nation of maldives

MALE' CITY, Maldives -- The World Health Organization (WHO) has been on continued alert to monitor spontaneous outbreaks of dangerous diseases in different parts (read: third world countries) of the globe following the latest outbreak of Ebola earlier this year. It seems like WHO's perseverance in monitoring these risks has finally paid off. The organization released a statement late last night as a mysterious disease has been discovered in the Maldives. This grave news was followed by the alarming news as scientists disclosed that this disease has been endemic to Maldives for centuries. Despite the suddenness and mystery that surrounds the discovery, what baffled the medical community the most has been the peculiar effects of this menacing disease: impregnating women!

Authorities have not yet named the disease, but the pathogen responsible for this life altering condition has been identified and labeled as the Human Gravidaphage Virus (HGV). The name Gravidaphage comes from the Latin word 'gravido' meaning impregnate and the Greek word 'phagous' meaning devouring. WHO informed they decided to name the virus as a -phage because the disease ends up 'eating the life away' of the patient.

an electronic microscopic photo shows a group of HGV attacking the ovum of a female patient

Scientists and doctors from renown medical universities and hospitals flocked to the Maldives to study the effects of the virus. Dr. Ahmed, the resident gynecologist cum urologist at the biggest private hospital in the Maldives met with reporters on behalf of the investigating team of experts and explained their findings to this point.

"Our observations indicate it's possible that HGV is a gender-based virus as all HGV positive patients have been females thus far. Also...There hasn't been any reports of transmission between humans yet." Dr. Ahmed also explained that the team will conduct tests to observe how the virus affects a male mouse. "We are already working on finding a vaccine, but at the same time, we are trying to identify the chances and prepare for a cross-gender jump to males. And should that happen, take possible precautions."

HGV has been found to be aggressive even when dormant

"What we have is a very unique pathogen. While we are unable to tell the exact origin of the virus or how it originated in Maldives, our team finds it amazing that the virus keeps on attacking until the ovum or more commonly known as the egg, becomes fertilized." Dr. Ahmed explained. Everyone who contracted the virus has thus far been unable to completely get rid of the virus. "In effect, you can say that a single virus is able to make a woman pregnant but we don't know how many times it could potentially occur as the virus tends to become dormant for periods." Records show that a patient could be found positive for HGV, get pregnant, and give birth, but get pregnant again years later. Numbers show that some patients went through as many as 3 of these dormant-active cycles. He further revealed that the dormant and active period of the virus was completely random.

No one has yet been able to identify how all these women contracted the virus in the first place. It's one aspect of the investigation that the doctors and scientists have differing opinions. Dr. Yoosef, an astronomer, believes that the virus is transmitted through an animal. "This virus has been in this country for long. We cannot tell anything for sure without knowing who was patient zero. However, I believe it is a vector borne virus. There just isn't any other way for the virus to be endemic to the Maldives for centuries. The only possible explanation is that an animal that is only found in the Maldives is a host of the HGV."

Dr. Ahmed, on the other hand, opposes the hypothesis. "I'm not saying that he is wrong. It's possible that he's right too, but he's just an astronomer. What did he do to come to that conclusion? Consult the stars? I think we need the medical experts to handle this."

a close-up of the human gravidaphage virus during the active period (photo credits: Tylon - ZBrushCentral)

While it's obvious that this newly discovered virus will cause clashes in academia, everyone needs to work together as the virus has a tendency to cause false positives. That is, someone could actually just be pregnant and not HGV positive. "The problem is that pregnant women and HGV positive women show the same symptoms." Dr. Ahmed told reporters. "Once we discovered the virus, we almost had a nationwide panic as every pregnant woman in the country could possibly be carrying HGV."

Authorities and everyone concerned are working on a possible procedure to correctly identify HGV positive patients. "We know the theory behind all this," a very convinced Dr. Yoosef told reporters after the news conference. "Hypothetically speaking..if you were a woman and you happen to be pregnant, what could you ask yourself? Who the father is, no? All we need to do is build a device that would enable us to test the validity of your claim. We just need a way to test the DNA of the embryo and compare whether it matches the man who you claim is the father. I'm sure we can build this device within 4 to 5 years if we all work together."

Even Dr. Ahmed agrees to the idea as long as the virus doesn't start affecting males. "I'm afraid I have to agree with Dr. Yoosef as long as the patients aren't males. However, I would consider the fact that with the exception of a few outliers...all HGV positive patients have not been married at the time of contraction of the virus. If we use that as a start, we could start eliminating false positives within weeks with 90% accuracy!"

While Maldives, and the world, faces an uncertain future, the biggest advantage we have over the Human Gravidaphage Virus is that it has been contained in the Maldives all these years. Only time will tell how things turn out.

Until next time. Adios...

man's life is ruined after ex leaks nudes

Ahmed started his day like any other day. He got out of bed after hitting the snooze button for the third or fourth time. He managed to go through the three s's; shit, shave, and shower, without much of a hassle despite being half awake. But alas, the day was not meant to be normal by any means. By the time Ahmed reached his office, the life of this 21-year old aspiring writer had turned upside down.

Turns out his girlfriend has leaked nude pictures of him after a messy break up. It all started with a frantic call from his aging mother. The first words out of her mouth were words of condemnation and shame. Ahmed couldn't even catch the slur of words his mother threw at him. What he did manage to catch was about the shame he has brought his family and the statement that Ahmed was no longer his mother's child.

Now, this was right before he left for work on his cycle. He bought it on an installment scheme and he still had 11 months left on his payment. By the time Ahmed reached office, he had received more than 50 notifications. You see, not only did his ex leak Ahmed's picture. She took the time to tag him on Facebook and Twitter. She also wrote down his contact details. When he checked Facebook, he saw all kinds of comments from females who saw his picture. They were commenting on his body and his private organs. A few of the comments though, were shaming him. And calling him a show off and a slut for taking nude pictures. Ahmed had also received no less than 25 friend requests in a matter of minutes. They were all from females, no doubt looking for an easy lay.

Ahmed never stopped to second guess going to work amidst the ensuing chaos. He couldn't afford to lose his jobs to make his loan payments. Without thinking, he entered his office. Ahmed came face to face with his boss, Mrs. Aishath, who immediately called him to her office. The last thing Ahmed saw before he entered Aishath's office was his colleagues whispering and giggling.

Once inside, Aishath explained the company policy to Ahmed. She explained that once the case of his nude photos come into light, the company would have no choice but to let him go and forfeit his pension and all. However, Aishath said that Ahmed could get some compensation for services rendered if he resigned on his own. Ahmed tried to plead his case. He tried to explain that he sent the picture while they were dating and that his ex promised to delete the picture after looking at it. Ahmed also tried to state that he hasn't even being found guilty by the authorities. Aishath said there was nothing she could do, but she hesitated as if having second thoughts, and asked Ahmed to meet her at her apartment when her husband wasn't around. Aishath made it clear that it wasn't a promise but that she would do everything to make sure Ahmed kept his job. Of course, provided that Ahmed cooperated with her.

Having reluctantly agreed to meet his boss later that day, Ahmed walked over to his cubicle. Head down. Ahmed sat down and let everything that had happened in the last hour or so sink in. His world has come apart. He will need to work hard to get out of this mess.

Ahmed's thoughts were interrupted by a notification on the computer in front of him. He had an email. It was from one of his female colleagues. He opened the attachment in the email. The subject said "what's your rate?" and the image that opened on the screen would later make him puke.

It was the first ever picture he had sent. Ahmed wished it was the only one he did. But he had loved and trusted his girlfriend blindly and sent her all kinds of scandalous pictures. After a few minutes, Ahmed logged onto Facebook again. The number of friend requests were increasing and he had more messages from strange women than he would care to count. However, one of the messages caught his attention. It was from a girl who just shared a link.

Dreading what he would find, Ahmed clicked it. It took him to one of the infamous Maldivian groups on Facebook that posted nude pictures of guys. In this group, all the girls would call them sluts while secretly trying to get into the guy's pants, and continue to publicly shame their indecency. Sometimes they would even share contact details. Ahmed saw a plethora of his photos plastered across the page. Each picture was accompanied by a variety of filthy comments.

Despite the nature of the comments, Ahmed was a bit happy to see some people took his side and tried to explain Ahmed was a victim. But these comments were few and most of them were crowded out by comments from people saying that Ahmed shouldn't have shared his pictures in the first place and that the purpose of shaming Ahmed was to make sure he wouldn't do it again. The girl who was the admin of this group had written a message to Ahmed as well: "We will remove your pictures once you apologize to us in public for sending nude pictures. What you did was forbidden in Islam and this is your punishment. Apologize to us and we will remove your pictures!"

Ahmed knew he had no choice in this matter and he started to slowly type the apology requested by the group. The non-stop notifications from his phone and his email accompanied the sound of the key strokes on the keyboard. It made a catchy tune but it was a sad one. For Ahmed, it was a song about changing his life and changing the way he dressed. It was a song about moving onto a different island to get away from all the lust-filled eyes of every woman who has seen Ahmed's pictures. And while he was still typing, his boss messaged him, "Come over to my place, I'm waiting for you."

"This happened to me," said no guy ever.
Until next time. Adios...

a letter of apology to mohamed ibthihaal

(Author's note: If you haven't heard about the incident please have a look here)

Dear Mohamed Ibthihaal,

It is with great regret I inform you that we have failed you as a society. We're deeply saddened by the brutal incident and would like to point out the deepest disappointment in our own selves at the time of this heartbreaking murder. Please do not despair or think your death went unnoticed, because the nation collectively condemns, in the harshest of words, your inhumane death.

Ibthihaal. I'm sorry your picture is plastered on every newspaper and every news outlet today so that we can all feel good by feeling bad about our own negligence. Only through such sensationalisation are we able to keep our focus on a single event. Having said that, I'm sorry that we would soon forget you and your death would just be a number in the myriads of manslaughters in this nation.

I'm sorry, Ibthihaal, that we as a society do not concern ourselves with the wellbeing of others. It's not like we knew your mother was abusing you for the past 3 years. I'm sorry, but, as a society, we don't look at children born out of wedlock as part of the community. I'm sorry that we look at such children as a bad omen and would like to keep our own safe from you. As such, we chose to ignore you because you didn't really belong to our close-knit family in the island. I'm sorry that we punish children for the sins of their parents. I'm sorry that we see you for nothing less than the sinful spawn of two adulterers. On that note, I'm also sorry that we could not identify who your father was. I'm sorry we live in a system where only his confession would have confirmed him your father as four grown men didn't see him fornicate with your mother, whose word, by the way, holds no meaning in court.

Ibthihaal, you don't know me but I'm sorry, because even if we cared, we live in a system that does not allow preemptive action. I'm sorry we live in a society that's content with letting child abusers and pedophiles walk free because, one: it's not our child and two: we don't have evidence. We are sorry but please understand that we can't really take the words of a child against an adult, and in some cases, their blood relatives. Sometimes, even their own parents. I'm sorry you didn't grow up to be an adult, because if so, you would be able to have solace in the fact that there are many others like you who grew up bruised, battered, and molested. Because, by then, you would realize, and I am very embarrassed to say this, that you weren't the first child we failed.

I'm sorry that everyone of us will use your image and your story to further our agenda. I'm sorry that even though we will likely find people who were accomplices to your murder through negligence, we will not address the root cause of this issue. I'm sorry that none of the policy makers, the grassroots, or even taxpayers would find the need to address such issues during political debates, unless it has something to do with overthrowing the person in power. However, it is with great pleasure I inform you, that we will find a scapegoat for your death and we will punish all parties involved directly. Then, I'm afraid and I'm really sorry to say this, we will sweep this issue under the rug.

i'm sorry that even though we feel sad, we'll forget everything about you very soon

I'm sorry...I'm sorry you didn't grow up to enjoy life to the fullest. Please be rest assured that you did indeed have a wonderful future ahead of you such as education, sports, friends, and most importantly, a life. I'm sorry we failed in our duties but we hope you understand and forgive us because we had bigger issues at hand. One as young as you wouldn't understand the consequences of music shows, political rivalries, or the importance of promoting xenophobia even at the cost of overlooking the current cancers in our society. I'm sorry we were too busy swimming in our own pile of hypocrisy and I'm sorry the only solace our religious clerics could offer you is the dangers of fornication to a society.

Mohamed Ibthihaal, I sincerely hope that you accept our deepest apologies because your death would be in vain and we would do nothing besides angry/sad posts on social media or pass pictures of you around and, as I noted earlier, feel good by feeling bad about you.

I'm sorry.

Very Respectfully,

The Republic of Maldives