women 101

Someone said to me the other day that I objectify women. Naturally I resented that. But then my friend said the same thing when I told him about it. So here I am, scrutinized for something I don't even know about. However, it got me thinking. Maybe it's not that I objectify women. Maybe it's women who objectify themselves and I see it. Kind of like the movie; sixth sense. Hence, here is my objectification of different types of women. Before I get ahead of myself, If this post seems sexist in anyway, then it probably is and if this offends you, I probably wanted to offend you. Now that we got it out of the way, let us begin:
(DRUM ROLL followed by the deafening buzz of the vuvuzela)

1. The Phillips Woman: let's make things better
This is the other woman. The woman that guys cheat on with. She promises something a lot better and the guy falls for it. Let's say the man is a goat. The goat sees grass on the otherside and rushes over to eat it, thinking it's greener. To be fair, sometimes it IS greener.

2. The Hitachi Woman: for deeper penetration
Well, this is the kind of woman who has a lot of experience and has been well used (if you know what I mean). They are more commonly known as MILFs and sometimes mistaken for cougars. Though to be a cougar, one piece of the woman's undergarment must be see-through.

3. The Maldivian Woman: flying made simple
Can I make this any simpler? This is the woman who doesn't give a rat's ass as to what goes in the relationship. She doesnt give a damn! She doesn't give a crap! If crap ate crap and crapped crap, she still wouldn't give a second glance at it. I think I made my point...

4. The Dhiraagu Woman: keeps you in touch
Now this is a tricky woman; some guys like her while others don't. They are the touchy dovey type. They literally show their love by clinging on to you and watch your every move. Slightly stalkerish at times, but they are honest with their feelings.

5. The Wataniya Woman: life's good, share it
Many mistake the Wataniya Woman for anti-Dhiraagu Woman. However, they aren't related despite the close proximity of the affiliated merchandise brand-name. The Wataniya Woman is the person who tries to make you feel better. They try to show how good things are when your life has gone down the slums. Just one bright ray of sun shine that reaches the abyssal zone of the Pacific!

6. The Police Woman: to protect and serve
Aaaah... the infamous rebound. They will be there for you right after your woman dumps you. They will do everything to make you happy, promise to protect you, and will give you love, lots and lots of love.

7. The MNDF Woman: duty, honor, country
Now this is the woman you should all try to avoid. They are loyal, honest, religous, infact too religous. They are covered from head to toe because it's their duty to hide themselves from everyone. Covering themselves protects their honor, and bound by their duty and their honor, they save the country for the future generations. While it is good to protect one's honor, covering yourself so that the only way we men can judge whether you are beautiful or not is by looking at your palm is not cool. Hello!!! Beauty IS only skin deep, so give us something to work with!

8. The Master Card Woman: there are somethings that money can't buy...
You get stuck with the Master Card Woman, better pray you get a pay check that's fatter than a 14-inch strap-on because she will spend every cent you earned and then leave you for another guy. Yeah it sucks, but you HAD to choose her so it's partly your fault that she left you.

9. The Bose Woman: better sound through research
Please welcome the insatiable one! The Bose Woman will always look for the next best guy. She can never be satisfied no matter the size of your pay check or your cherry pecker. She always looks for the next best thing!

10. The ROL Woman: internet the way it's meant to be
This woman doesn't guarantee that she's the best you could get but rather it's a compromise. You go through life meeting different women and you reach a point when you realize it's a never ending battle and you settle for someone. You convince yourself it's the right person for you and justify your action by saying it's how life should be (but we all know you're lying to yourself).

11. The Goosebumps Woman: reader beware! you're in for a scare!
The name is self explanatory. This is the psychopath woman. Leave them, hurt them, or make them feel any emotion at all, and they will do anything from stabbing you with a fork to cutting off your right testicles. Yes, apparently the Goosebumps Woman can tell the right from the left!!

12. The Storm of The Century Woman: give me what I want and I'll go away
Say hello to the nagger. She won't stop talking until she gets what she wants. There is no end to it. It'll be just like the movie from dusk till dawn, except that it will contain fewer (most likely no) hot strip scenes, and more of the vampires sucking the blood out of you scenes! This yapper, never stops yapping. If she was a bird, she'd be a naggot! See what I did there? I combined nagger with parrot! Hah!

Well, I can go on with this forever, but I will stop here. And for you girls reading this and thinking I objectify only women, you are quite wrong. Here is the simple truth about Men. Every man is (wait for it)

A Sony Man - it's a sony
Yup! Regardless of what you see, you get the same thing. If your man looks like a jerk, then he is a jerk. If he looks like a saint, then he is a jerk. If he looks like a pious guy who will never hurt you, then he is a jerk. I think I have made myself crystal clear on this.

Until next time, Adios...

if i was the president

I have come to notice that everyone is a politician these days. There is no need to study, live a good life, or even be 'human' in order for one to become involved in politics. Hence, I decided to give this a try and unfold how things would be if I was the president.

1. First and foremost, I will not make any promises. I would only listen and offer to 'think' about the issues at hand. That way, no one can call me a liar.

That's right. There will be no vows under the full moon during my reign!

2. There will be justice for all. I will look into our 2000 year old history and prosecute each and everyone for their abuse of our beloved nation. If the suspect is deceased, I will look for a living descendant and that person will pay for the crime. Everyone gets what they deserve (some more deserving than others).

Watch out Rannamaari king. Justice League is coming for you and your offsprings!

3. There will be absolute transparency.

 Transparency: from the things we use...

...to the dress we wear!

 4. The people will have the right to choose everything through a referendum. The kids can choose their parents. If the father doesn't meet the satisfaction of the household, the child can call for a no-confidence vote and the father can be axed and power given to a new and capable individual.

Small note: I alone reserve the power to oust myself (evil grin)

5. There will be prompt punishment for molesters, rapists, and murderes. It can range from public executions to (more fun) torturing shows on the streets. Once again I reiterate "Justice for all!"

figure 1: A possible idea for torturing a rapist. The setup can be modified to hook the chains onto his more delicate organs.

6. I will dismantle the tsunami monument and use the steel to make harpoons and kill errr I mean prosecute the so called 'stars' of Mollywood.

I don't know what will be the greater good: getting rid of the monument or the stars...

7. I will privatise each and everything.

Yes. You will now be paid to go and pray.

8. There will be no weekly radio adresses to the nation. Instead I will play a song on the radio which captures the mood of the country for that week.

 

This may sound selfish, but people, get ready to listen to death metal on a weekly basis.

 9. I will uphold the constituion of the country and ensure that all the lawyers do their job and keep the junkies and fundies behind bars. There will be no 'we didn't get enough evidence' bullshit during my presidency. I will ensure the law is bent in everyway possible to convict the suspect for his/her crimes.

I will twist, cut corners, and blackmail to make sure the Constitution is upheld!

10. Maldives will hold the 2018 FIFA World Cup!

The competition ball will be called the DHIBULANI and will be made by sonee sports. I will also ban the vuvuzelas and introduce the bubuzelas (bubu is the local tongue for bodu beru)

Until next time. Adios people...

5 things you should know about the maldives

We all love the Maldives. We claim that visitors from all over the world come to maldives after seeing the beauty of it (pun intended). I think that our beloved visitors aka piñatas filled with cash should know about our country before they set foot here. Here are five things you should know about the Maldives and to be honest, even us Maldivians need to know this as well. Let's start, shall we?

1. Your ability to yell and swear with no shame will grant you better jobs than a Doctorate in nuclear engineering.

2. Only two things can unite the Maldivian people: a tsunami and the SAFF Championship.

3. Any public display of affection is disallowed but you can grope, bump, and grind on the national television and it's perfectly legal and much encouraged.

4. Theatrical success is measured by how much the movie can make you cry

5. You are guilty unless proven innocent

a modest proposal

image courtesy of http://media.photobucket.com/image/drugs/parttake/prescription_drugs.jpg

In today’s world of escalating cost in living standards and declining job opportunities, life has become a game of survival of the fittest. People will go to any extremes to fulfill their needs. In other words, the world has become a “dog-eat-dog” environment. While some people try to work on the simple job they have and pray that the income will be enough, others make an effort to seek a better job, or at least a better source of income. Taking only profit into consideration, the drug market is an extremely high-profit industry and is the reason why it should be made legal.

According to Eric Green, more than 2.2 million pounds of drugs entered the United States in 2004, which has a street value of more than 2.6 billion dollars (US Department of State's Bureau of International Information Programs). That is more than the total expenditure of most Asian, Latin American, and some European countries (CIA-World Fact Book). If the United States were to start a drug industry, it would greatly enhance the economies of Third World Countries by providing many job opportunities.

If we look at the U.S Drug Enforcement Administration statistics of 2001 and 2002, the average price of cocaine ranges from $12,000 to $35,000 per kilogram; while the average price of methamphetamine ranges from $3,500 to $21,000 per kilogram; and the average price of marijuana ranges from $400 to $1,000 per pound. There is a chance, in this market, for the small businessmen out there who do not have the capital to do business on a larger scale. Given just three drugs; think of how much poverty that could be reduced by this business considering the additional drugs available for consumption.

The drug business is an ideal way to deal with the growing unemployment situation in the world. Green states, in his article, that there were more than 56,000 attempts to smuggle drugs in to the United States (United States Department of State's Bureau of International Information Programs). If it was made legal, the drug trade would lower the unemployment rate, a huge factor for the high number of crimes in the World, not only in the United States, but also in Colombia, Mexico, and other Asian countries. It will be just like farming, but instead of corn or soy beans, drug plants will be the cash-crop. As Raphael and Winter-Ebmer state in their journal, the overall “property crime rates” decline of “slightly more than 40 percent” from 1992 to 1997, can be credited to the decrease in the unemployment rate (281). So, in addition to helping better the economy, the drug industry will also reduce the crime rates, making the society a symbol of peace and harmony.

If the drug industry is working well, it will increase the government’s revenue. Looking at the figures, there are 2.6 billion dollars worth of drugs, and, if taxed at 5 percent, we would yield around 130 million dollars in revenue. Then, giant drug-farms can be designed and built.

To yield an even better income, scientists who can use biotechnology to enhance plant growth would be hired. Should that technique be able to produce enough to satisfy the country’s demand, the product could be exported to other countries and could slowly become a monopoly. The government can then impose an export tax and get almost the same amount of money as from previous taxes. In addition, the business now been centered in the country, will bring a better income to the companies involved in the business. Using the price of drugs already given, the income from taxes can be doubled as tax by having the drug exported. So this plan along with sales from exporting the drugs will bring a total predicted income of 2.86 billion dollars.

The income from this business could be used to finance the beneficial programs such as the President’s carbon neutrality program. The income could also be used by the educational program. If revenues from the drug industry are used, it would provide a huge portion, if not all, of the educational budget. So, literally, the total expenditure could be cut down or it can be used for further societal improvement. In other words, the drug industry could lead to a Maldives that is economically more stable.

The drug industry; it seems is the perfect way to earn a living. Others’ resources could be used to develop a business that would become a dominant force in the economy. It would lead to a country with an incredibly lower crime rate. Given these facts, one has to wonder why the drug trade is resented so much in the Maldives. Of course, voices could be and will be raised against this proposal. One may go on to argue about the ill-effects drugs have on our health. But, if all we want is a profitable business, why not choose the necessary evil? The drug industry could make one rich, which in turn makes him highly respected, and a social figure in the society; all factors which make a man powerful, and imagine all of this happening in such a short amount of time. I propose to give this a thought. Adios…

References:

Green, Eric. “United States Reports Further Success in Drug War.” United States Department of State's Bureau of International Information Programs. 13 Jan. 2005. 21 Sept. 2005

Raphael, Steven and Winter-Ebmer, Rudolf. “Identifying the Effect of Unemployment on Crime” The Journal of Law and Economics. 44 (2001): 259–283. 26 Sept. 2005

United States. Central Intelligence Agency. The World Fact Book. 30 Aug. 2005. 23 Sept. 2005. http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/fields/2056.html

United States. Drug Enforcement Administration. Drug Trafficking in the United
States. 21 Sept. 2005 http://www.usdoj.gov/dea/pubs/state_factsheets.html

my pathetic attempt at making a motivational poster

note: no monkeys were harmed during this photo session

the medicinal tongue

It's something different this time. I heard someone tell this joke in Dhivehi and decided to do my own take on the joke and put it out there for the world to see...

the shampire strikes back

image courtesy of Google and MS Paint

Me: Welcome to my first sequel. Today I try to probe further into the life of our friend the Shampire. Without further ado, let me welcome his Holiness.
Shampire: His what? Did you just say his Holiness?
Me: Err my apologies.. Didn't mean to disgrace your name.
Shampire: His Holiness is how the Pope is refered to as. Tell me human, do I even remotely look like his Holiness?
Me: Hahaha.. You said his Holiness. You respect him..
Shampire: Why yes I do. We are both representatives from our respective Gods, and I have to give him his proper dues. (whispers) But between you and me, I don't respect him at all.
Me: It's refreshing to know you hold true to your beliefs your Highness.
Shampire: Sure sure. So errr about the last time we met, I am sorry I chased after you with an AK.
Me: Oh yeah, no worries. I totally understand. By the way, how did you turn that ordinary looking stick into a rifle?
Shampire: My dear child.. it isn't just a stick. It's the Stick of Karma!
Me: The stick of what? Karma??
Shampire: Yeah. It is a very special stick. Shall I tell you how it is made?
Me: Does it matter what I say? You will tell me anyway.
Shampire: LAAM VAAM LAAM! You're right. I would have told you regardless.. So, the Stick of Karma is made from wood from the seven continents of the world. The seven pieces of wood are grated into a container which is filled with water from the five oceans of the world. The mixture is left for weeks, sometimes months or even years and once the container dries up, the powder is moulded into a stick and tadaaa. You have the Stick of Karma.
Me: (looking at Shampire with keen interest)
Shampire: What are you looking at boy? Never saw a man with a beard before?
Me: No no.. I am wondering where your nose hair ends and your moustache begins.
Shampire: Why you ungrateful soul! I am going to beat you with this stick!!
Me: A million apologies my Lord.
Shampire: Well, just don't mock me. Shampires have feelings too (puppy eyes)
Me: So, how do you get to turn that stick into a rifle? Do you boil a rifle in the super wood-from-every-continent-and-water-from-every-ocean mixture?
Shampire: No you fool! Are you an idiot?
Me: Aaah ok. Now I am the idiot.
Shampire: There there.. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Me: It's ok.. It's just that..
Shampire: It's settled then. As I was saying, to turn the Stick of Karma into a weapon, you have to get the weapon you want first.
Me: DUH
Shampire: What was that? You retarded or something?
Me: no comments
Shampire: HHMMPPH! I won't tell you the details anymore. It's a sacred ritual.
Me: Okies. Tell me your nobleness, where are the rest of you?
Shampire: BAA RAA BAA
Me: What the hell? Are you singing?
Shampire: No no you mindless bastard! I was saying I will be right back. I am an Arab, remember?
Me: Aaaaah. You claim to be an Arab but you speak in English to me. How come?
Shampire: Cos you don't know Arabic! Ya Allah! Maa Haaza? Huva kaslaan va laisa indhahu ilmun yarah. Hal huva insaan au haivaan ya rahbee?!!
Me: Oops.
Shampire: Tell me, have you considered my offer to become one of us?
Me: Dear Lord, here we go again...
Shampire: I think the problem is with your attitude. With attitude like that, you can't get anything done.
Me: What do you know? I am a flawed human being.
Shampire: Exactly. Join me my son. Together we will make the world a better place.
Me: Based on our previous encounter it's safe to say your daughter is off limits as a reward. So what is in it for me?
Shampire: Why you selfish bastard! You get eternal salvation. Isn't that enough?
Me: Yeah it is I guess. So when do we start?
Shampire: (Tears flowing) First thing tomorrow morning.
Me: Woohoo
Shampire: I will give you a bag. Your mission is to take the bag over to the playground where they have set up a music show. Once you go there, I will press the button and it will blow up all the infidels to smitherins.
Me: Awesome! It's a deal.
Shampire: Those poor imbicels won't know what hit them.
Together: MuahAHAhAHAHahahAHAHAha

We go our separate ways preparing for the next day.
Time is 4:30 in the morning.

Me: Ummm Shamp.. You awake? We have a problem.
Shampire: What the hell? It's freaking 4:30! Why did you wake me up so early?
Me: I have errr a slight cold and can't carry the bag with me to the playground. Do you mind carrying it for me?

With this, he threw the Stick of Karma up into the air which turned into a cluster bomb. I ran on for dear life as I heard the deafening explosion behind me. I looked back one last time at Shampire and saw him praying to heavens in the burning flame.. The last of his kind.. He was funny, sarcastic, and one hell of a guy. Below is the last thing I remember before I blacked out.. Until next time.. Adi...